Need to make a permanent change. Scared!

[Matts]

Hi guys. This will be my first post here and I guess will serve as kind of one of my first steps into spirituality.

A little background first. My wife is an indigo child and a very old soul. According to an energy healer she sees, she is a very powerful healer herself, but has not remembered how to do everything on her own in this lifetime. She has astral projected. She has been out of body and talked to the dead. She has experienced a whole other slew of things that have my jaw on the floor everytime she comes home and tells me.

Before my wife I never discounted any sort of magic in the world. I am not religious but extremely open minded to everything spiritual because, why not? What do I know? What does anyone? That being said I never really believed anything either. Now after her visits with several healers, Reiki peoples, psychics and mediums I'm 31 years old and just realizing for the first time that magic, for lack of another term is legit real.

I'm a big time black sheep in my family. My parents and sibling are very status quo and don't really understand anything outside of what a typical conservative small town white family from Canada might understand about the world. No religion or spiritual anything found in that home. I for my whole life have hated the status quo, was a punk rocker in highschool, very anti establishment and always very unhappy with the state of the world. I'm not sure how much this paragraph has to do anything but my point is I've always been different than almost everyone around me, and my wife's energy healer guy has informed her of such. He said that "I am not a muggle" and that I have a spirit mother unlike them, or something like that, who guides me

I was very scared of the dark when I was a kid. Specifically of monsters and demons and aliens and whatever being was going to appear and scare the **** out of me at night to the point if I woke up in the middle of the night I quickly ran into my parents room and slept on their floor.

In my early adulthood, and before my wife, there were maybe 4 or 5 instances of me waking up to electronics fully operating and lights being on when they were not. For instance the most bizarre was I woke up, the apartment living room lights were all on, my computer was on and blasting Neil Young from a YouTube tab I left open. Computer was just off in rest mode. The open YouTube tab with music blasting must have happened on three seperate occasions. I always chalked it up to sleepwalking, which I have been known to do. Other instances have been me waking up in the middle of the night, lying there, and then all of the sudden the laptop 3 or 4 feet away on the bed just boots up on its own. Another time my phone started playing music. Some of these I can't chalk up to sleep walking!

I have woken up at 3 or 4am on the dot so many freaking times in my life I literally refuse to look at the clock so I don't get spooked and not sleep for the rest of the night.

So I'm at a point now where I feel like everything in my life is pushing me towards a spiritual life. Almost literally. Signs are everywhere for me telling me to pursue this. I want to but I am also anxious.

My fear of "the dark" which isn't really of the lack of light but of what I don't understand of spirituality and what I now believe is present when I wake up, has made a return after almost 20 years to the point where I don't want to be alone in the house at night. In fact if my wife's not home and it's just me at home to sleep alone I have extreme anxiety and can't do it.

I went to bed late the other night and albeit high off marijuana, as I was falling asleep my bed very noticeably started vibrating. I locked up nervous and basically thought in my head "please don't do this right now I am not ready". It eventually stopped but I really do believe it was a spirit. My wife also gets visits but hers don't affect her nerves at all. She said she heard her name in a loud whisper the other night and just asked if it had something to tell her, but nothing.

So in summary, I want to be spiritual but am scared and I believe there are spirits around me at any given time.

What do I need to know? Where do I start? Is there anything to be afraid of?

I think one of the obvious things is I need to meditate. Anybody have any advice on that? I understand the basics and have practised a handful of times but never consistently.

Thanks guys, nice forum you have here I'm excited to read it.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by Matts

Hi guys. This will be my first post here and I guess will serve as kind of one of my first steps into spirituality.

A little background first. My wife is an indigo child and a very old soul. According to an energy healer she sees, she is a very powerful healer herself, but has not remembered how to do everything on her own in this lifetime. She has astral projected. She has been out of body and talked to the dead. She has experienced a whole other slew of things that have my jaw on the floor everytime she comes home and tells me.

Before my wife I never discounted any sort of magic in the world. I am not religious but extremely open minded to everything spiritual because, why not? What do I know? What does anyone? That being said I never really believed anything either. Now after her visits with several healers, Reiki peoples, psychics and mediums I'm 31 years old and just realizing for the first time that magic, for lack of another term is legit real.

I'm a big time black sheep in my family. My parents and sibling are very status quo and don't really understand anything outside of what a typical conservative small town white family from Canada might understand about the world. No religion or spiritual anything found in that home. I for my whole life have hated the status quo, was a punk rocker in highschool, very anti establishment and always very unhappy with the state of the world. I'm not sure how much this paragraph has to do anything but my point is I've always been different than almost everyone around me, and my wife's energy healer guy has informed her of such. He said that "I am not a muggle" and that I have a spirit mother unlike them, or something like that, who guides me

I was very scared of the dark when I was a kid. Specifically of monsters and demons and aliens and whatever being was going to appear and scare the **** out of me at night to the point if I woke up in the middle of the night I quickly ran into my parents room and slept on their floor.

In my early adulthood, and before my wife, there were maybe 4 or 5 instances of me waking up to electronics fully operating and lights being on when they were not. For instance the most bizarre was I woke up, the apartment living room lights were all on, my computer was on and blasting Neil Young from a YouTube tab I left open. Computer was just off in rest mode. The open YouTube tab with music blasting must have happened on three seperate occasions. I always chalked it up to sleepwalking, which I have been known to do. Other instances have been me waking up in the middle of the night, lying there, and then all of the sudden the laptop 3 or 4 feet away on the bed just boots up on its own. Another time my phone started playing music. Some of these I can't chalk up to sleep walking!

I have woken up at 3 or 4am on the dot so many freaking times in my life I literally refuse to look at the clock so I don't get spooked and not sleep for the rest of the night.

So I'm at a point now where I feel like everything in my life is pushing me towards a spiritual life. Almost literally. Signs are everywhere for me telling me to pursue this. I want to but I am also anxious.

My fear of "the dark" which isn't really of the lack of light but of what I don't understand of spirituality and what I now believe is present when I wake up, has made a return after almost 20 years to the point where I don't want to be alone in the house at night. In fact if my wife's not home and it's just me at home to sleep alone I have extreme anxiety and can't do it.

I went to bed late the other night and albeit high off marijuana, as I was falling asleep my bed very noticeably started vibrating. I locked up nervous and basically thought in my head "please don't do this right now I am not ready". It eventually stopped but I really do believe it was a spirit. My wife also gets visits but hers don't affect her nerves at all. She said she heard her name in a loud whisper the other night and just asked if it had something to tell her, but nothing.

So in summary, I want to be spiritual but am scared and I believe there are spirits around me at any given time.

What do I need to know? Where do I start? Is there anything to be afraid of?

I think one of the obvious things is I need to meditate. Anybody have any advice on that? I understand the basics and have practised a handful of times but never consistently.

Thanks guys, nice forum you have here I'm excited to read it.

Welcome to the forums.

Whenever I say that "I am not ready" thing, I always get the reply " nobody ever is!" Which is cold comfort, but at the same time, morbidly reassuring.

The worst thing one can do whilst going through a massive energetic shift is to start panicking...which is hard enough as it is, let alone when one is wasted on marijuana and the brain starts working overtime to convince the body it is dying and then massive panic attacks and violent green-outs happen...trust me, I know these things.

I mean, the first instinct is to get the hell out of there and phone the paramedics...but something inside knows that you are gonna be fine if you put on a guided meditation tape or some relaxing music and focus on that blackness behind your closed eyelids...and if fear comes, if you find your heart is racing and you have choking sensations or are aware of a dark presence, acknowledge it, feel the fear, but also observe it and detach from it...I have had a bit of practice doing that over the past few days after being caught in the path of a raging bushfire.

As hard as it is, you must overcome your fear of death..which is never easy for ANY mortal human being to do...not by a long shot and I don't know about you, but marijuana tends to heighten my sensory response about tenfold...if I am happy, I will feel more joy ..if I am in a bad place..."welcome to hell".

As for your conservative family...they don't have to know what you do behind closed doors.

If you are expecting others to be accepting of your choices in life...forget it!

As soon as one understands this, they have two ways to go...either remain silent, keeping the sacred, sacred OR to practice Spirituality openly, not caring about how friends and family will view it...and that is always a very difficult decision to make, but it needs making to be able to forge your own path ahead, totally independent of anybody else and if they wish to come along on your ride, well and good.

Welcome to the forums and I wish you all the best.

[John32241]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

It does take a while for our intellect to become comfortable with the unknown and the unknowable. For your intellect does need to be guided by you.

You are the parent of your intellect. What you say and think about everything will be how it operates for you. It does not have a heart centered frame of reference unless you instill that intent in it.

I hope this thinking resonates with you.

John

[Unseeking Seeker]

***

@ Matts ...

Easier said than done to erase fear, yet this is something we need to tackle ourselves (with divine assistance as always) head on.

I’d recommend going through some of Krishnamurthy’s videos on fear, thought, awareness etc. for starters. Then observer observing observed (both us) and so on ... Rupert Spira also speaks clearly in what awareness vs mind body is.

It is a slow process ... this erasure of fear or desire (two sides of the same coin), having roots in mind body attachment. If we just look at the fear without flinching, in an aspect of nonchalant observation as though examining an insect, the fear automatically reduces. It will come back though because of past momentum attributable to our indulgence. By repeating the exercise, the fear can be erased.

Ultimately, look at it this way ... even if an imagined (or real) demonic entity approaches us, be it in our dream or semi waking state, what of it? Send it into the healing divine light of love, where it wishes to go for its own release anyway.

It begins as a mental exercise and then our own consciousness shifts within ... slowly. We can get to a point where being immersed in the divine energy, recognising that mind body is a transient interface, there is nothing to fear.

Wish you positivity moment to moment to moment ... moments conjoined.

***

[mihael_11]

From my experience that is long process and it won't be quick, that you can handle everything at one time, becouse there can be multiple layers of perception during establishing solid base.

Is your fear only in this house/location or it goes with you?

If you have option move to more secure location that is comfortable for you from which you can explore this one. Things do happen related to darkness(night, storms, bad weather,)...

I have this one house, that just keeps surprising me, like there is no end to it. It is annoying but i accepted it as it is.

[Reiki Awakening]

Thanks for sharing and opening up. I will be following along. I myself am on a completely new life path. Can't wait. So many sign from the past that i just never payed attention too. Do your thing and go for it!

[sea-dove]

and then all of the sudden the laptop 3 or 4 feet away on the bed just boots up on its own

I used to have that happen to in the past. I used to tell myself it was hackers in my computer turning it on. I didn't think much about it beyond that.
.........


You mention you are going to start meditating... others here may not agree with what I'm about to say but I think before you start doing that it would be a good idea to get your fears more in check first. Once we start meditating (depending on what kind of meditating we are doing) we can really open things up and speed them along and if you are fearful, you could go creating a whole lot of bad experiences for yourself.

eg Your fear could end up creating poltergeist kind of things going on about your home which is really your own energy doing it and not something else. Ending up creating more fear for yourself can just further slow down your progress.

I do think if you are going to really start getting into things that you should stop taking the drugs. When we take drugs we damage our auras which are a natural defence we have to other things out there. You can be leaving yourself more open to bad stuff (and of cause marijuana can also cause paranoia, my father developed paranoid schizophenia at an age well past where it normal occurs after he smoked it with a friend, he was in his 40s. He still has serious mental health trouble today).

Dont do things which give you more fear esp if getting on the spiritual path.

Anyway, I suggest before starting regular meditation to 1/ stop the drugs 2/ work on your thoughts and thinking and try to face any fears you have head on when you experience something. Next time you think there is a being there.. make yourself yell out "hallo". Running from fears does not help things and will only intensify them. If you really cant face your fears, you could even consider having a professional counsellor who is in the spiritual fields help you work on your fear (maybe you have a energy/spiritual healing place with a professional counsellor near you). Also consider the things you do in your life and if you are doing anything else which isn't helping you.. eg if you drink coffee excessively it can stop a person from being as relaxed due to it's stimulant nature. There may be other things in your life which you could change which may help.

Something you could try in regards to lessening your fears is EFT (which is a quite simple to do body tapping procedure). It sounds weird but I've found it does take fears down a few notches and I've seen it work in amazing ways on others.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by sea-dove

I used to have that happen to in the past. I used to tell myself it was hackers in my computer turning it on.
.........


You mention you are going to start meditating... others here may not agree with what I'm about to say but I think before you start doing that it would be a good idea to get your fears more in check first. Once we start meditating (depending on what kind of meditating we are doing) we can really open things up and speed them along and if you are fearful, you could go creating a whole lot of bad experiences for yourself.

eg Your fear could end up creating poltergeist kind of things going on about your home which is really your own energy doing it and not something else. Ending up creating more fear for yourself can just further slow down your progress.

I do think if you are going to really start getting into things that you should stop taking the drugs. When we take drugs we damage our auras which are a natural defence we have to other things out there. You can be leaving yourself more open to bad stuff (and of cause marijuana can also cause paranoia, my father developed paranoid schizophenia at an age well past where it normal occurs after he smoked it with a friend, he was in his 40s. He still has serious mental health trouble today).

Dont do things which give you more fear esp if getting on the spiritual path.

Anyway, I suggest to work on your thoughts and thinking and try to face any fears you have head on when you experience something. Next time you think there is a being there.. make yourself yell out "hallo". Running from fears does not help things and will only intensify them.

Exactly!

If I had a PC which kept switching itself on, I would open up Wordpad and say "go for it! wanna send me a message? There ya go".

If nothing happens, I would take my PC to a technician and get them to check it out.

But that's me.

[sea-dove]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Exactly!

If I had a PC which kept switching itself on, I would open up Wordpad and say "go for it! wanna send me a message? There ya go".

If nothing happens, I would take my PC to a technician and get them to check it out.

But that's me.

it did turn out I had a virus and people in my computer, they ended up getting into my bank account and when I went to buy something online, my money got diverted to an account in America instead of the online place it was supposed to go to which was a local food delivery service (I didnt find this out until my delivery did not arrive that week and I later saw my bank account details)

Then to top that off after getting into nearly everything, the virus stopped my computer from working and the repair shop said they hadnt seen such a nasty virus as the one my computer had in a couple of years. They were even unable to fix all my files which it had gone through and I ended up loosing nearly all my photos due to this.

I still don't know if the hackers were somehow able to turn my computer on or not but I actually did have people in my computer. Anyway, if someone has weird things happening with their computer, consider it may well be an issue with the actual computer. When one is in fear one can start blaming everything on the supernatural and become less rational.

[Matts]

Originally Posted by sea-dove

I used to have that happen to in the past. I used to tell myself it was hackers in my computer turning it on. I didn't think much about it beyond that.
.........


You mention you are going to start meditating... others here may not agree with what I'm about to say but I think before you start doing that it would be a good idea to get your fears more in check first. Once we start meditating (depending on what kind of meditating we are doing) we can really open things up and speed them along and if you are fearful, you could go creating a whole lot of bad experiences for yourself.

eg Your fear could end up creating poltergeist kind of things going on about your home which is really your own energy doing it and not something else. Ending up creating more fear for yourself can just further slow down your progress.

I do think if you are going to really start getting into things that you should stop taking the drugs. When we take drugs we damage our auras which are a natural defence we have to other things out there. You can be leaving yourself more open to bad stuff (and of cause marijuana can also cause paranoia, my father developed paranoid schizophenia at an age well past where it normal occurs after he smoked it with a friend, he was in his 40s. He still has serious mental health trouble today).

Dont do things which give you more fear esp if getting on the spiritual path.

Anyway, I suggest before starting regular meditation to 1/ stop the drugs 2/ work on your thoughts and thinking and try to face any fears you have head on when you experience something. Next time you think there is a being there.. make yourself yell out "hallo". Running from fears does not help things and will only intensify them. If you really cant face your fears, you could even consider having a professional counsellor who is in the spiritual fields help you work on your fear (maybe you have a energy/spiritual healing place with a professional counsellor near you). Also consider the things you do in your life and if you are doing anything else which isn't helping you.. eg if you drink coffee excessively it can stop a person from being as relaxed due to it's stimulant nature. There may be other things in your life which you could change which may help.

Something you could try in regards to lessening your fears is EFT (which is a quite simple to do body tapping procedure). It sounds weird but I've found it does take fears down a few notches and I've seen it work in amazing ways on others.

It's funny you say that because that's kind of a conclusion I came to on my own. Not exactly that I was going to summon a poltergeist if I didn't know what I was doing but, let's just take it easy and figure out what we are trying to accomplish first. My wife says no, just meditate, you're not good enough at this point to do anything but relax a bit.

I posted this herr and a thread with the same text on reddit. I was recommended different reading material from different people. Specifically my focus right now is on Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard, which to my understanding is a simplified ACIM, which I also read 20 pages of before it went too far over my head. I also picked up a couple of Dolores Cannon books as someone mentioned that my late at night experiences are almost identical to a subject in one of her books.

I am just soaking it up right now, not sure what else to do.

In terms of my fear, well, what I think I am taking away from this is so far is, if the only truth is God's divine light, then.. what is there actually to be afraid of that cannot be solved with it? I realize I have no experience dealing with it and am essentially in the spiritual basement but... If the only thing that is actually real is God's love than why do IGAF? Am I missing something?

Thank you everybody for your responses. Everything I read and see is helpful for me at this time and I appreciate it. If there's any other great books you guys want to recommend I'm all ears.