How do I move on?

[gravitysrainbow]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about two years and we've been living together for one. I've noticed that the deeper I explore my spiritual side, the more I see that this relationship has served its purpose. The best way to describe our relationship is: "Givers need to set limits because takers don't have any." I give and he takes - exponentially. My emotional needs are never met because I am the caretaker of this relationship. It is very tiring to live this way.

The other day, I found an article online about financial abuse, which is a new term to me. Upon reading th article, I noticed that it applied to my life with my boyfriend. When it comes to finances, I have been put in a hostage situation. This is why breaking up and moving out is not as easy as I wish it to be. I fear that when I've finally had enough and I decide to extract myself from this relationship, he will become hostile and make sure he gets what he wants. Maybe this doesn't matter - maybe the more important thing is to get out and save myself any more emotional hurt, but Ive worked very hard and sacrificed a lot for my financial independence. It'd be the biggest blow to my ability to trust people if he tried to take any of that away from me. My fear of the repercussions of leaving are keeping me from making any action.

I know there's no "good time" to break up with someone and totally change your life, and I really thought that by giving him all these chances and showing my loyalty I could salvage this relationship, but I can't keep doing this. I don't want the straw that breaks the camel's back to be a catalyst for ridiculous drama and fighting. I just don't know how to move on with the least amount of emotional shrapnel.

[5thDimension]

Beautifully and intelligently written!

I'm afraid you just have to take responsibility for your role in the relationship, pay the price and get out - as you have seen. You attracted him and the ensuing relationship into your life but now you are ready for something better.

I guess creating the least amount of shrapnel depends on your living situation and whether you can just abandon him and your home to move on or whether you'll have to get him out. The important point is that you are NOT responsible for his feelings or well being. Continuing will do nothing for him other than perpetuate his neediness and inability to be responsible for himself.

Without knowing the exact circumstances, I can only suggest that when it comes to crunch time, have a bunch of friends with you if there is the possibility of violence or emotional blackmail. Remember, it's in his own best interests to be given the opportunity to be responsible for his own life and you have no reason to feel guilty if he messes that up.

I understand that your history together makes it very difficult and it's unlikely that he will react in any other way than angrily and childishly. I've done it myself several times when younger and we men take a long time to grow up!

But as I said, you also need to take responsibility for the unsatisfactory relationship and accept that there is a price to pay...

Logic is hard under the circumstances but don't believe you have to lose trust in people just because of one person. After all, you already suspect that you can't trust him to behave reasonably so it's not as if you'll be surprised.

Good luck and know that in a year's time, it will just be a distant memory and carry little emotional content - you have the rest of your life ahead of you...

Act rationally first, secure your position, and take care of the feelings later..