Unconscious desire for death

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by ocean

Hello everyone,

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me, to share your stories, and to offer advice. Everything that was said makes sense. Thank you!

It seems that writing this post clarified some things for me, because the next day I had a big confrontation with my mother (which hasnt happened in years), and it flooded me with memories of how, as I child and teenager, I desperately longed to be free from her. I used to devise elaborate plans to run away, but she would always find my packed bags.

I remembered how much misery my family situation used to cause me, and how it made me wish I was dead.

And I realised that, as an adult, I hadnt allowed myself to truly break free... to run away, and do my own thing. I hadnt cut the cord with my parents.

It's amazing how much clarity you can get in those very intense moments. I instantly saw what I needed to do and where I needed to go, and I made those decisions. I spoke to my mother the next day and we both cried... She's not spiritual, but she understood that I was leaving her in some way, and that our relationship was transforming.

I dont quite yet understand how this relates to my initial post... Other than the decisions I made that night involve risk (as shivatar suggested). I have to make choices, and have courage. I need to narrow my focus, instead of trying to tick all the boxes. I just need to tick the ones that matter most to me. And I suddenly understand what those are.



Shivatar, your response particularly resonated with me, especially this part. It's true - I completely avoid intimacy because it is such a source of trauma for me. I havent been ready to face those fears... I have tried, but I havent had the resources. I have them now, and I'm ready. Thank you for pointing this out.

It seems that your relationship with your mother is changing from the child-parent relationship to adult-adult. If your mother based a lot of her identity on being a mother she will have difficulty with this transformation.

Always remember to follow your inner guide and you can't go wrong. You know what you need to do. Just listen to the silence and the answers will come

[Gem]

It sounds a lot like the 'death drive' or 'death instinct' discussed in psychoanalysis. Maybe google that and see what pops up.

[LiberatedLotus]

I've always longed for death, and ever since
my spiritual ascension, I've wanted to return home.

Yes, you are the extension of the Universe, and regardless
of form- you are always "at home" because you are
that & that is you.

However, when you come to understand truth,
what the human condition amounts to, the illusion
you've been living in your entire life, etc. there is no
need for the human body any longer & nothing on the
Earthly plane resonates with you any longer.

If anything, for me, it has become a hindrance.
Of course, this is dependent on how one
addresses their own personal journey.
However, yes. The longing will always be there
beneath it all.

[dream jo]

iv tld pelepl if im on lif suport thers no hop of me getin betr trn it off dnt be afrad 2 swith me off