Help me find some peace so I can help others

[11Tractors]

This got too long. I am sorry.

I have been through a lot but somehow I am getting better for the first time in my life. I am thinking about studying and working in a church. I am not Christian but I have a lot of respect of people who are reaching out. I would mainly take care of the church, the graveyards and prepare everything for the services. I would also be in situations where people have just lost somebody or are in some very life changing situations. Most of the people in my country belong to this church because it's cultural and a tradition.

People tend to open up to me and I always listen. I am starting to think that my job here is to listen. I want to help people and I find it "easy" to help people I don't even know with their hardships. People tell me all the time that I am easy to talk to. Usually people tend to have solutions already but they just discarded them. I like to help them to remember what they know deep down. And if they just need me to listen it's too very ok. Often I don't need to say a word. People are surprisingly wise. These people just tend to find me anywhere. I will talk to anybody or listen to anybody who is not threatening me physically at the moment.

I want my job to be like that. Helping people. I want them to come to me because they want to and feel that they are welcome. They don't have to but I am lstening when they need an ear. But I need to be ok too.

I am currently struggling with my own trauma and alcoholism. I am getting better but I keep repressing the spiritual side. I have closed that door because something bad got to me at one point. Now nothing gets through. It's silent. I think it's not meant to be like this. I have been happiest (and sober) when I could feel and see things and live in a balance with that. Now my fears tend to get in my way. Something seems to be knocking the door once in awhile but my fear of the dark gets in my way. It's like around me is safe but everything is black and white.

I had to have my heart checked last week for surgery that will happen soon. I had to lie still and relax all the muscles. I couldn't. I couldn't take a deep breath. Then I had a vision that made me very calm. It came behind the door. I know that because I asked for help from there. I surrendered and my pulse was suddenly calm and steady. I know that the door will stay closed until I willingly give my permission to open it. I am torn. These things shouldn't exist. I am an adult and a man and I should believe no nonsense. As soon as I give my permission stuff will happen. I can deal with it but I can't deal with myself. I am not so afraid of the spiritual world that might be there. I am afraid of myself. I think I have helped some dead people pass over. They found me just like the living do. If there is a slight chance it's real I want to help there too.

I want to get better. The world is so full of bad stuff that I want to be there making it better. Even a little. Every moment counts. Somebody needs to clean up this sh*t.

A person who helped me with my career plans told me that she had hard time in her work because she can't help everybody. She was worried that it could affect me if I pursue my plans. I thought about it and it's partially true. I think I can actually never help. People help themselves if they can. Others are tools. Sometimes I am not a right tool and it's ok. I usually know a lot of options because I have been through a lot myself.

So. This stuff is a part of me. I am afraid of myself. I have build a wall to keep everything out but most of the scary things are still inside. In me.

[Goddessa]

Hello. I hope you do find someone who can help. I just wanted to respond to let you know that I have read your story and I am at least listening.

I also wanted to suggest that you also try to get some help with the drinking and clear the fog, so to speak. It will be difficult, but getting help for the drinking could be a good first step in trying to find some peace for everthing else. We use alcohol and drugs to numb our harsh realities and in the end they actually make things worse because you end up avoiding whatever the issue is and create more issues.

You sound like a good person because it takes selflessness to want so badly to help people despite being aware of what a mess this world is.

I hope you manage to get some help from the forum members. There are a lot of kind, wise and caring people here.

[Tobi]

11 tractors, what you wrote is not too long and you don't need to be sorry for expressing yourself in your own words.
"The Wounded Healer" is a phrase which sprang to mind for me.
In order to truly help others sometimes we have to go through the dark ourselves. We would be useless to others who are suffering if we didn't know their struggles. If we hadn't known difficulty ourselves.
Many people who are suffering can be comforted by just knowing that someone cares, knows what it's like and will befriend them...sometimes even for a very short time. They don't always want or need someone who will come along and be perfect and fix everything. But someone with kindness, who at least understands and who operates from a truly heart-felt space, no matter what imperfections or fears they have.
I wish you well, and blessings.

[Native spirit]

Hi firstly to help others you have to be ready to help yourself. it sounds like you have Empathetic traits. and counseling would be a good place to start.not only would it help you put your own house in order. it would make it easier for you to then help others. going through the same thing.

Namaste

[11Tractors]

Hello again! Sorry for taking this long to come back. It seems like every time I talk about personal stuff I freak out and get so ashamed of myself that it takes time to come back. Thank you for listening and responding!

I agree about my alcoholism. I am trying to get better. There is a lot of alcoholism in my family but that is no excuse. Blocking out the harsh reality is what I am mostly trying to do I guess. I have tried to get sober for a long time and even went to AA. I am slowly trying to live better life in general. It's hard though.

I read about empaths and also freaked out a little. Mabe I got something like that going on. I hate admitting this but I am sensitive. My body is sensitive and so is my mind. I wouldn't call it a weakness but definitely I constantly get tired because of it. I am also face blind and can't read expressions. Still I somehow I know what is going on. My mother has said that maybe I got some extra senses because I lack some basic stuff. It was hard to for me to learn social skills. I saw auras too when I was younger and I really thought I had lost it. I didn't even know what I saw. It would be handy nowadays too. I could just look at peoples auras if I don't recognice the face.

The wounded healer thing hit home too. Broken people can't maybe be totally fixed but maybe we can do something that others find more difficult. I have gotten most help from people who have gone through a lot.

I have tried to open up more too. Things are getting odd this moment. I keep seeing things and black figures again. My sister heard horrible growling on the phone when she called me. It scared her. I feel something near me and I have experienced lucid dreaming again. Last night it felt like I drifted in and out of sleep all the time. I could see disturbing creatures around me. The were looking at me, trying to get to me but they can't. I am not afraid and I can keep them out. Nothing touches me or anybody else in my home without my permission.

Then somebody just floated in, a person who felt good and strong. The creatures went away. They were afraid of him. I talked to him for a long time. I was asleep at that point but fully aware of being asleep. He said that I am not alone. There is help available. I had fun. It was like meeting an old friend. When I woke up I saw a forest growing outside. It almost covered my window. There is no forest actually. It started to shrink. It was like big trees shrinking back into seeds in seconds. That was funny. I almost always ended up in this forest when I used to try kind of shamanic journeying. This might just be my mind playing tricks but it's ok. It made me feel better and I can't feel anything nasty around me anymore. That is what always happened after I "visited" this forest before. It purified me like this every time.

I might be loosing it but if it's a mental illness it's very interesting that I can just close the door again and it stops. I think I need to know how deep this rabbit hole is. Nobody can run forever. I have been told to stop running. When I was in this forest. Imaginary of not I always get good advice. Back then I didn't really understand. I always understood these things fully much later.

Hey, 11Tractors, good morning. Just my honest view - only you can find peace in yourself by clearing out all the baggage and unpeaceful stuff from yourself, among other things with meditation.

But also honestly, with the things you've been through you are in a wonderful position to help others. You know what it's like so your sympathies can ring true. If you can listen you're on a winner - people often come to terms with their problems for the first time by talking through them if they can be honest and talk with candour without fear of moral judgement.

[Goddessa]

Originally Posted by 11Tractors

Hello again! Sorry for taking this long to come back. It seems like every time I talk about personal stuff I freak out and get so ashamed of myself that it takes time to come back. Thank you for listening and responding!

I agree about my alcoholism. I am trying to get better. There is a lot of alcoholism in my family but that is no excuse. Blocking out the harsh reality is what I am mostly trying to do I guess. I have tried to get sober for a long time and even went to AA. I am slowly trying to live better life in general. It's hard though.

I read about empaths and also freaked out a little. Mabe I got something like that going on. I hate admitting this but I am sensitive. My body is sensitive and so is my mind. I wouldn't call it a weakness but definitely I constantly get tired because of it. I am also face blind and can't read expressions. Still I somehow I know what is going on. My mother has said that maybe I got some extra senses because I lack some basic stuff. It was hard to for me to learn social skills. I saw auras too when I was younger and I really thought I had lost it. I didn't even know what I saw. It would be handy nowadays too. I could just look at peoples auras if I don't recognice the face.

The wounded healer thing hit home too. Broken people can't maybe be totally fixed but maybe we can do something that others find more difficult. I have gotten most help from people who have gone through a lot.

I have tried to open up more too. Things are getting odd this moment. I keep seeing things and black figures again. My sister heard horrible growling on the phone when she called me. It scared her. I feel something near me and I have experienced lucid dreaming again. Last night it felt like I drifted in and out of sleep all the time. I could see disturbing creatures around me. The were looking at me, trying to get to me but they can't. I am not afraid and I can keep them out. Nothing touches me or anybody else in my home without my permission.

Then somebody just floated in, a person who felt good and strong. The creatures went away. They were afraid of him. I talked to him for a long time. I was asleep at that point but fully aware of being asleep. He said that I am not alone. There is help available. I had fun. It was like meeting an old friend. When I woke up I saw a forest growing outside. It almost covered my window. There is no forest actually. It started to shrink. It was like big trees shrinking back into seeds in seconds. That was funny. I almost always ended up in this forest when I used to try kind of shamanic journeying. This might just be my mind playing tricks but it's ok. It made me feel better and I can't feel anything nasty around me anymore. That is what always happened after I "visited" this forest before. It purified me like this every time.

I might be loosing it but if it's a mental illness it's very interesting that I can just close the door again and it stops. I think I need to know how deep this rabbit hole is. Nobody can run forever. I have been told to stop running. When I was in this forest. Imaginary of not I always get good advice. Back then I didn't really understand. I always understood these things fully much later.

Hi. How are you doing?

There seems to be so much more going on with you than you described in your original post. Its a pity you have to go through all of this alone. How are you feeling lately? Have you tried anything yet to see if you can improve your situation? Sorry, all I still can offer is an ear

[CrystalSong]

Originally Posted by 11Tractors

I want my job to be like that. Helping people. I want them to come to me because they want to and feel that they are welcome. They don't have to but I am lstening when they need an ear. But I need to be ok too.


I know that the door will stay closed until I willingly give my permission to open it. I am torn. These things shouldn't exist. I am an adult and a man and I should believe no nonsense. I think I have helped some dead people pass over. They found me just like the living do. If there is a slight chance it's real I want to help there too.

I want to get better. The world is so full of bad stuff that I want to be there making it better. Even a little. Every moment counts. Somebody needs to clean up this sh*t.

So. This stuff is a part of me. I am afraid of myself. I have build a wall to keep everything out but most of the scary things are still inside. In me.

Accept that that stuff (the scary part) is a part of you too and there is some wonderful stuff also. We are all composed of our Love and fears
Accept that and move forward on that.
Noah was a drunk, many who were called and are called had some pretty big issues and were far from perfect. Perfection isn't required - willingness and action is.

Take that job at the church, listen to people both those in body and those who've left their bodies, and with every person you help, you will be healed a little more too. All we Healers know this. There comes a point in which our own further healing comes in holding loving space for others as they work through their own healing. Listen and love others and as you do so that door/your heart will slowly come back to life, the door will open more inside you and you will be renewed and move further into your own healing.

It's okay to be scared, be scared, but don't let it stop you - do this thing in spite of the fear. Your courage is also a big part of you - lean on it now and let it take you where the fear can't.

I might be loosing it but if it's a mental illness it's very interesting that I can just close the door again and it stops. I think I need to know how deep this rabbit hole is. Nobody can run forever. I have been told to stop running. When I was in this forest. Imaginary of not I always get good advice. Back then I didn't really understand. I always understood these things fully much later.

Your mind is not playing tricks on you, there is just more to life than you've even noticed before, your beginning to see the cracks in the matrix so to speak, starting to notice the true reality. You can shut it down again of course, this is a Free Will Planet after all, but why do it? It hasn't worked for you so far right? Why not see what's down the rabbit hole?
Many of us have gone down it and almost everyone of us has chosen to stay down it - it's a world of wonder where we are supported by invisible means, where we listen to a quiet voice - within which unerringly gives us sage advice, where we renew ourselves in a 'Secret Forest' a place just for us. And there is much more wonder than that. There is as much wonder as we can open our self up too - as much as we can hold without closing up and saying "No more".

Since your current view of reality has led you to try and numb yourself out and escape it, why not try the Rabbit Hole?

This is me throwing you air kisses from deep in the Rabbit Hole and telling you "It's mighty fine down here, come join me! I'd come up and help you down, but I'm never going to leave Wonderland again."

[EndoftheRoad]

https://youtu.be/6IDT3MpSCKI

[Realm Ki]

Hi 11tractors,

Thank you for sharing, it makes me, and surely many others, happy to hear both that you are awakening - as some call the process of gradually accepting and incorporating the spiritual world into their human - and also that you reach out for supprt.

I am conviced you are on a healing path.

One of the things I have learnt has been to be sparse with advice. And I learnt this is and Anonymous group (sister group of AA). I have also had ALOT of practice there in sensing and finding balance; balance beween the infinite power in me and the human life I still live and the requirements in there. It has simply been a great way to stay somewhat anchored - through the rabbit hole. (We are in human bodies and human bodies and psyches are frail, so they can actually overload. Caution is not fear, caution is self-care).

So, my reccomendation is actually to try that again; try different groups, go several times to learn which people are 'core' people, and work the solution. Addiction is one beast we cannot, and should not, slay alone. And addictions eat you alive, and finish you off, sooner or later, if nothing else spiritually.

It may not be possible or comfortable share all the details on you awakening in the group, but there will be massive learning from listening! And there will be other important things to share about. Also, I have shared quite a lot about my journey - though minding not to scare off newcomers - and the whole premise is of course spiritual, with 'God as you define them'.

You have wonderful gifts, and life has punched you around quite a bit for it, like myself and I'm sure many others.

It would be wonderful to hear more about your journey.

Love and light!