How to respond to mean people?

[SeanMac]

I think that people sometimes feel very defined by other people, so someone being mean to you can seem to be an indicator that something's wrong with you, if you do tend to feel defined by others. A good philosophy to have is to see their meanness as a problem they have, rather than it being an indicator that you have a problem - after all, instead of something like constructive criticism, they're resorting to doing something negative, which doesn't really produce any benefits. Also, you can sort of "get them" if you take the approach of patience, and respond by calmly saying you don't see things the same way, or even change the focus by saying that they're being unnecessarily aggressive. It will throw them off and give them no little "high" off of getting you down.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

How should someone respond to mean people? There are multiple options such as being mean back to them as well, not being mean to them and keeping the bad feelings and emotions inside, which in time will start to hurt, or being indifferent and try not to keep the emotions inside (sort of hard for myself)

I didn't know either, until I watched a Matt Kahn video entitled "Reclaim Your Power".

In it, he talks about 'taking the high road', which is not about asserting superiority or "being mean back", rather it is to respond (or not) from a position of awareness.

This involves saying stuff like "I acknowledge your deep pain" and "good for you" and even "yes, you are right"...they may not BE right, it just takes a lot of inner fortitude and a malleable ego, to superficially agree with a mean person, even though you know deep down, what they are saying couldn't be any further from the truth.

Here is that Matt Kahn video:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NllANrBt1rQ

Enjoy.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

Hi and cheers for your reply.
I realised that if I don't counter their mean attitude, and hold the negative emotions inside me, it just makes me feel worse over time as the negativity and frustration builds up. The mean person gets away with it, not caring (some might feel good that they harmed) and I tend to frustrate and harm myself mentally because of holding in the frustration and negativity as I feel bullied mentally(emotionally)

At my working place, there is a guy who is in a higher job position than me, he is assigned as my mentor but he always tells me "Oh that's incorrect" or "You're wrong" , every time and he says this while he is laughing at me and others are around me. He seems critic towards me every time, there is no encouragement out there, despite him being my mentor. Don't get me wrong. I love doing mistakes, I love learning, but his attitude is a bit obnoxious(from my perspective), in the way that I perceive it as bullying and I dislike it

His duty is to teach and mentor me, instead he gives me tasks and then he just criticizes me.I feel frustrated because of that. Maybe I am too sensitive but I can feel him being mean and trying to show superiority

Kaere is correct in that mentors are supposed to be impartial.

If I had one who was always telling me that I was "doing things incorrectly" or I am "wrong"...I will simply say " I most humbly and regretfully apologize, but this is the way I was taught to do it...so whoever taught me must have done so incorrectly, can you please demonstrate the correct way to do it, according to you, so that I may learn from you?"

You keep on asking this until you FULLY understand... basically, getting him to do your job FOR you.

It also depends on how long you have been with the company...those who have been there longer than you have more 'rights' and especially if they like licking their bosses shoes and pandering to the collective egos of their superiors.

This is basically why I am "unemployable" and if I want to earn money, I need to go into business for myself - which a lot of people are doing now...so that the ONLY one I have to answer to is ME.

Being employed would have to be the most stressful life experience I could ever imagine...I would never be able to be in your situation without handing in my resignation...so good on you for deciding to stick with it.

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

How should someone respond to mean people? There are multiple options such as being mean back to them as well, not being mean to them and keeping the bad feelings and emotions inside, which in time will start to hurt, or being indifferent and try not to keep the emotions inside (sort of hard for myself)

I usually self reflect, by checking into myself, source any reactions, let them go, get very clear. If your able to go as deep as compassion and loving kindness, then you see that mean, is their reaction and your interpretation through your hurt feelings. Mean cannot penetrate a deeper awareness where your no longer the pawn in their game. You recognise it’s their game and you invest in yourself to manage yourself more clear. Your awareness of yourself deeper in it, learns then how to respond, assertively, whatever is needed by you in any given situation.

[Shivani Devi]

Thing is, I suffer from massive paranoid delusions.

In my totally deluded state, I see such things as "Mentoring programs" like this:

So, the boss calls all his section supervisors in for a meeting..

"Hi guys...we just got our EOFY audit back and our productivity hasn't been as high as it has been in recent years..we are haemorrhaging money.

Apparently, there seems to be some "weak links in the chain" here...so, time and motion studies need to be done..I need to know, basically, who to keep and who to sack.

So, we shall do this under the guise of a "mentoring program" which will enable you all legally to watch and supervise exactly how others are doing their jobs...I thought about installing hidden cameras, but this is a much better idea...

After a month, I will call another meeting and you can discuss your findings with me then..."

...but like I said, I live in a paranoid, delusional alternate reality.

[Unseeking Seeker]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

I didn't know either, until I watched a Matt Kahn video entitled "Reclaim Your Power".

In it, he talks about 'taking the high road', which is not about asserting superiority or "being mean back", rather it is to respond (or not) from a position of awareness.

This involves saying stuff like "I acknowledge your deep pain" and "good for you" and even "yes, you are right"...they may not BE right, it just takes a lot of inner fortitude and a malleable ego, to superficially agree with a mean person, even though you know deep down, what they are saying couldn't be any further from the truth.

Here is that Matt Kahn video:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NllANrBt1rQ

Enjoy.

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Thanks for sharing this Shivani!

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[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by Unseeking Seeker

***

Thanks for sharing this Shivani!

***

You are very welcome.

[Dargor]

Three ways to respond:

1. React like a sympathetic 'gutmensch'.
2. Simply ignore them.
3. Tell them to p### off.

Personally, I'd prefer 2 and 3 over 1.

[hallow]

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

Hi and cheers for your reply.
I realised that if I don't counter their mean attitude, and hold the negative emotions inside me, it just makes me feel worse over time as the negativity and frustration builds up. The mean person gets away with it, not caring (some might feel good that they harmed) and I tend to frustrate and harm myself mentally because of holding in the frustration and negativity as I feel bullied mentally(emotionally)

At my working place, there is a guy who is in a higher job position than me, he is assigned as my mentor but he always tells me "Oh that's incorrect" or "You're wrong" , every time and he says this while he is laughing at me and others are around me. He seems critic towards me every time, there is no encouragement out there, despite him being my mentor. Don't get me wrong. I love doing mistakes, I love learning, but his attitude is a bit obnoxious(from my perspective), in the way that I perceive it as bullying and I dislike it

His duty is to teach and mentor me, instead he gives me tasks and then he just criticizes me.I feel frustrated because of that. Maybe I am too sensitive but I can feel him being mean and trying to show superiority

There's always more than 1 way to do a job, and you'll always run into people like that. In employment there might not be much you can do. But if you're confident in what your doing is right you'll just have to prove it to them. Or better yet prove it to the people who really matter. I used to work with someone who was really strict on how things were done. She wanted it her way or no way. There was a point where I had to stand my ground I did and from then on there is a greater respect for one another. You just have to be firm and sensitive at the same time. That can be tricky.

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

How should someone respond to mean people? There are multiple options such as being mean back to them as well, not being mean to them and keeping the bad feelings and emotions inside, which in time will start to hurt, or being indifferent and try not to keep the emotions inside (sort of hard for myself)

"Change how you see and see how you change."
Zen Quote

They are not mean people - 'mean' is your definition. When people are being 'mean' usually it's a cry for help, it's an expression of what they have inside - just the same as not being mean is your expression of what you have inside. 'Mean' people usually haven't dealt with their issues and are looking to make everybody else feel as bad as them, or they want to feel better about themselves by making you feel bad. Once you understand what's underneath it all everything changes. You don't even have to respond, all you have do do is not get caught up in their drama. There's a energy system that builds up and when people are mean to you and you are mean back, everything just gets meaner. Don't become involved in the energy system, just step back from it all. Treat them with respect anyway even though they're not treating you with respect, that way you either become an example of how they could be or you annoy the hell out of them because they don't get what they want. Either way you derail them.

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

His duty is to teach and mentor me, instead he gives me tasks and then he just criticizes me.I feel frustrated because of that. Maybe I am too sensitive but I can feel him being mean and trying to show superiority

Are you the kind of person who would do that to someone else? Wouldn't you treat someone you're mentoring with respect? Of course you would, and this is what the situation is showing you - this is the kind of person you are. He is also showing you what kind of person he is, and what you do with that is up to you. Also bear in mind that others in your workplace will notice what's going on too.

You can come through this a better person.

Originally Posted by EdmundJohnstone

Hello guys
I don't want to prove him wrong or anything. I personally find his attitude and presence just uncomfortable. I tend to keep the negativity inside me and hurts. So I either tell him that I feel uncomfortable, either riposte, either continue to keep negativity inside me (least preffered)

It's all about how you 'receive' what's going on around you. What he's 'transmitting' may well be meant to demean you but you don't have to 'receive it as such - you have a choice. Whatever he intends to 'transmit' you can intend to 'receive' differently. As for 'negativity', negativity is relative and really doesn't mean very much. Instead of feeling 'negative' about it, what can you gain from the experience?

Keep smiling and "Nihil illegitamus carborundum" - don't let the illegitamates grind you down, that's really tick them off. You're better than that.