why is it so hard for twins to be in a functional relationship?

[selene]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Because strong spiritual beliefs and assumptions tend to override ordinary aspects of a relationship. Unless a couple are so obviously twins then the religious side of twin-flame - the dogma, the expectations, demands will keep manifesting as anguish, the need for confirmation, doubts (however small); and a plethora of words that can be difficult to interpret.

A claims to love B; B claims to love A - but how can they know exactly what the other means unless it's unconditional? (There isn't much doubt about what unconditional means, surely?) They can't. There are no ways to describe our experiences of these things. Describe them you might try but in turn those descriptions will also mean different things to different people. Always the problem with words.


.

Lolelyen, over the years we have often discussed this on these forums, but I have made it quite clear and will now too: I do not believe in any dogma. Please, do not assume that. I have not assumed that just because this person is my twin flame we will end up together.

Also, I think it is possible to say that I both love a person unconditionally AND be disappointed in the way things go. I can get past this and still love him, cheer him on and support him unconditionally in all that he does -including another woman, if he wanted to.

A final thought: language difficulties happen in any relationship, not just TFs. You never know if the other person means the same thing as 'love' until you try it.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by selene

I know FairyCrystal, I know... I watched that video you had posted (sorry I can't remember the name/title) -and had even commented that I found it extremely helpful. I had really resolved to have that conversation the way that this guy had suggested because it really made sense and gave me some clarity -and trust me, that clarity is still there. I was ready, really ready, that this conversation was going to help us get some closure and was ready for the end too. During the crying spell at the airport, I kept thinking that I failed to have that conversation.

I think that what makes it very difficult for me is certain specifics that I need to remove from their circumstances, but I'll try. They are not excuses, they are real emotional blocks from both of us and I fail too, there, so I will talk about my shortcomings to give you an idea. I communicate openly that I like lots of space and independence -and I do, hence my solitary life -but I fail to tell him I'd be willing to try and navigate the emotional strain of a day-to-day relationship with him. I stress so often how I find annoying if a guy tries to 'take care of me', but I do not explain to him that I love it when he tries, even if he apologizes for thinking that he has offended my feminist sensibilities. I just cannot say 'you are not other guys, I really want you to take care of me.' Instead, all I do is just listen to his apology, give him a doubtful look and a reluctant 'it's okay'. The tears in the airport had started as I was watching him check-in, but I quickly wiped them and switched them to a little sarcasm, just so he wouldn't think of me as weak. I guess, I have lived on my own for so long, that independence -emotional too -is like a second skin.

And then, I ask 'can you see me?' but I quickly add 'but then, you may be busy, so I understand' and for someone like him that's a polite way to say 'it'd be nice to see each other, but we are both busy now.' So, when we met, he told me he had not expected I would have said yes to his invitation to meet anywhere but my country, or he would have asked sooner. My response was to mumble something and smile, while everything in me screamed 'I'd uproot my entire life for you, how can you not take *this* for granted?'. And then, he does those things too, in his own way. I gave him a gift when we parted, something of mine, that I could have used, yet wanted him to have. He seemed doubtful until the very last minute if I really had wanted him to have it or just gave it because he needed it -and I honestly would have been heartbroken if he had not accepted. But I still do not know if he took it because I insisted or because he wanted to have it. I still do not know if I should have honestly said 'please, come to me. I need you' instead of joking about it.

I have made excuses over the years, that is true. But in person, this man, who tells me I am perfect just as I am, reminds me of my own shortcomings -and the excuses he might have made for me too.

Long story short: I wish he forgot the distance/work for the excuse that it is. I wish for once we stopped being tender and sweet around each other, and treat this bond with a more forceful love deserving its strength. And the only thing that makes me doubtful is that even though I know that we both treat the rest of our life this way, trying to navigate our worth in our work, that for once... he'd fight for me and let me fight for him. Does it make better sense? I honestly do not know even now if in the eyes of someone else, these too, sound like an excuse. They could be... for the first time since this thing started, I feel honestly confused because I had had everything sorted out before this meeting.

If I may react to this, not to judge or hurt, but to give you some insight maybe.
All you say indicates you are not ready. You don't feel free, you can't open up, which usually is a matter of some issue and most issue stem from childhood. Self-worth, deservedness, self-confidence, and so on, which all are necessary in order to receive.
Basically all you say is not being empowered in your feminine energy which is ALL about daring to be vulnerable, daring to open up, daring and able to receive. And from there also being able to communicate true feelings, including showing your tears, which is the ultimate vulnerable. An empowered woman also has standards and boundaries.
And it's these things -lack thereof- that block a man from being able to fall in love with you. Then his feelings will remain stuck at 'love', but NOT in love.
Then he may not want to lose that cos he does love you and care about you, but he is not in love with you so he won't make you a priority and commit.
It REALLY is all about that.
A man wants and needs to feel that he won the Jackpot, that he did and got something that no one else could and would've gotten, that she's a real gem.
If you aren't confident, don't feel worthy and so on, you aren't the Jackpot.
Difficult to explain in a short piece of text. Fact remains that a man cannot fall in love with you if you're closed off and/or don't believe in yourself etc.
They fall for positive, confident women who exude happiness and positivity, can stand on their own two feet, and at the same time can be feminine and soft and vulnerable, can receive their help and wish to take care of you, the provide and protect.
Being able to do this and receive that is again right back to being empowered in your feminine energy...
Insecurity and fear are killers for a potential love relationship. So if you want love to work out, the most important thing is to work on (childhood) issues. Also for your own happiness, not just that land a man, that won't work. You gotta do it for you.

I'm also still working on that. I've dealt with a lot, I was able to be vulnerable, open, soft, to communicate the feminine way and so on. But... I still got insecure, even though I felt empowered before meeting him. Mostly due to still having a lot of triggers from a narcissistic relationship.
But... that can also be an excuse... Doesn't have to be, but it can be.
Because there's this one thing that another dating coach -Matthew Bogs- once said, which stuck with me, along the vein of: If it's right, it doesn't matter, it won't fall apart, or would take a helluva lot to fall apart. (Not verbatim, he phrased it better, but hope you get the gist)
And that IS true. If it WAS right, if HE was the right one, it wouldn't matter Jack if you hid your tears and daren't tell him how you felt and so on. He'd stay and/or ask "Hun, I see you're upset, what's up?" or just hold you and hug you.

The vid you mentioned was from Matthew Hussey. And yes, that was powerful!
Take your time, girl. It's okay to be confused, these things ARE confusing and touch us deeply. But I do think it also means things are shifting inside of you, which is also good. Because in all honesty, would you want to go on like this forever? And because of this connection that doesn't go anywhere miss out on true happiness WITH a partner? Who is there for you?
Also... sometimes it takes setting a boundary to change both your vibration and how a man sees you. Which could be like; I'm through with this. I deserve more, I want a commitment. I wish you all the best and happiness.
That is scary and you should never do it to win him for you. You should do it because you feel this way. Then it is incredibly powerful and he will feel that too. It could be the trigger to make him think, wait a minute!!! (she does have standards for herself!). Then suddenly you could become the Jackpot. But that should NOT be the reason you do such things.
And if he doesn't turn around, you at least know it is truly a road to nowhere.

For now, allow yourself to be confused, to go through the motions until you find more solid ground.
Maybe make lists of what you like, and also one that clearly shows it's NOT what you like, not how you would want a partner/love interest to treat you.
ANother list to write down what you do want, how you do want to be treated, what you do want from a relationship.
Then compare... And yes, that can be confronting, but might just be exactly what you need to choose your own happiness in life.

Lots of love

[SearchingFreedom]

What I learned about twin connections is that the meeting of each other is inevitable. Somwhere on a very higher level God and also the souls decided to meet in this life. It is completely forgotten by us.

And therefore it seems to me, and I also read it somewhere on twin flames websites, that when you meet your twin flame both are forced to abandon everything thy believed before. Also they have to cross borders to live their lifes. It is evident in this story by living on different continents. And in my story it is evident because we have half-different beliefs and also he is a monk who can't have a women. If you love you cross the borders. The borders can also be unvisible in your mind and beliefs and not worldly borders.

So be patient. If this is your twin he will find you.

[SearchingFreedom]

Originally Posted by selene

Also, I think it is possible to say that I both love a person unconditionally AND be disappointed in the way things go. I can get past this and still love him, cheer him on and support him unconditionally

I think this is my situation. We are stuck for 10 years in a relationship that is very slowly growing. And I went through a lot of suffering. Sometimes I show him my unconditional love and still can't hide my disappointment heart and anger.

[Ziusudra]

The definition of Functional Relationship is very unspecified.

What is functional relationship to you?
You have your own expectations of functional relationship and of him.

He says it's the distance (different continents), but it is a problem that can be easily overcome, and he knows I'd go anywhere if it meant being with him anyhow. I feel the honesty of his feelings. But I wish that for once, he'd make me less of a spiritual, unique, high partner and pursue our earthly relationship equally. Is that too much to ask?

You are right. If two people really want to be together in a 'traditional functional physical romantic' relationship, they make it happen.
You are willing to go over to his continent and be with him.
But you can not because he does not share your relationship goals/expectations.

At least you two are friends. That is great.
Friendship is a functional relationship.
You may have to drop your own expectation of 'functional relationship' with him.
Nothing wrong with being just friends.
In my opinion, TFs can have great life-long friendship together. - If you two can both get there. (Pure speculation here since I have not experienced the TF friendship personally. Maybe a TF friendship is just as a hell but in a safe distance.. )

If romance is in the path for two of you as a couple, it will happen but friendship is where he is at.
So, just be a good long-distance friend to him and pursue other romantic relationships for now. (easy, right? )

[Anne]

selene, I feel for your sadness on the way things went last time.

Sometimes, beleaguered by circumstance and such, getting together as a couple does not seem feasible even when wholly desired. Something becomes an obstacle. Pride maybe? Fear of success? I don’t know.

I’m probably way off the mark here, but I keep thinking maybe he/you or both are at the stage in life where career has mattered most for so long, that serious consideration to add to the mix (the vulnerable side) appears foolhardy or a conflict of interest.

The soul knows for sure, but how long will you wait in this lifetime? Another decade or so? In terms of my own experience, sometimes I think closure would be as much a relief as anything! Next time, don’t forget to have that convo!

[selene]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

If I may react to this, not to judge or hurt, but to give you some insight maybe.
All you say indicates you are not ready. You don't feel free, you can't open up, which usually is a matter of some issue and most issue stem from childhood. Self-worth, deservedness, self-confidence, and so on, which all are necessary in order to receive.
Basically all you say is not being empowered in your feminine energy which is ALL about daring to be vulnerable, daring to open up, daring and able to receive. And from there also being able to communicate true feelings, including showing your tears, which is the ultimate vulnerable. An empowered woman also has standards and boundaries.
And it's these things -lack thereof- that block a man from being able to fall in love with you. Then his feelings will remain stuck at 'love', but NOT in love.
Then he may not want to lose that cos he does love you and care about you, but he is not in love with you so he won't make you a priority and commit.
It REALLY is all about that.
A man wants and needs to feel that he won the Jackpot, that he did and got something that no one else could and would've gotten, that she's a real gem.
If you aren't confident, don't feel worthy and so on, you aren't the Jackpot.
Difficult to explain in a short piece of text. Fact remains that a man cannot fall in love with you if you're closed off and/or don't believe in yourself etc.
They fall for positive, confident women who exude happiness and positivity, can stand on their own two feet, and at the same time can be feminine and soft and vulnerable, can receive their help and wish to take care of you, the provide and protect.
Being able to do this and receive that is again right back to being empowered in your feminine energy...
Insecurity and fear are killers for a potential love relationship. So if you want love to work out, the most important thing is to work on (childhood) issues. Also for your own happiness, not just that land a man, that won't work. You gotta do it for you.

I'm also still working on that. I've dealt with a lot, I was able to be vulnerable, open, soft, to communicate the feminine way and so on. But... I still got insecure, even though I felt empowered before meeting him. Mostly due to still having a lot of triggers from a narcissistic relationship.
But... that can also be an excuse... Doesn't have to be, but it can be.
Because there's this one thing that another dating coach -Matthew Bogs- once said, which stuck with me, along the vein of: If it's right, it doesn't matter, it won't fall apart, or would take a helluva lot to fall apart. (Not verbatim, he phrased it better, but hope you get the gist)
And that IS true. If it WAS right, if HE was the right one, it wouldn't matter Jack if you hid your tears and daren't tell him how you felt and so on. He'd stay and/or ask "Hun, I see you're upset, what's up?" or just hold you and hug you.

The vid you mentioned was from Matthew Hussey. And yes, that was powerful!
Take your time, girl. It's okay to be confused, these things ARE confusing and touch us deeply. But I do think it also means things are shifting inside of you, which is also good. Because in all honesty, would you want to go on like this forever? And because of this connection that doesn't go anywhere miss out on true happiness WITH a partner? Who is there for you?
Also... sometimes it takes setting a boundary to change both your vibration and how a man sees you. Which could be like; I'm through with this. I deserve more, I want a commitment. I wish you all the best and happiness.
That is scary and you should never do it to win him for you. You should do it because you feel this way. Then it is incredibly powerful and he will feel that too. It could be the trigger to make him think, wait a minute!!! (she does have standards for herself!). Then suddenly you could become the Jackpot. But that should NOT be the reason you do such things.
And if he doesn't turn around, you at least know it is truly a road to nowhere.

For now, allow yourself to be confused, to go through the motions until you find more solid ground.
Maybe make lists of what you like, and also one that clearly shows it's NOT what you like, not how you would want a partner/love interest to treat you.
ANother list to write down what you do want, how you do want to be treated, what you do want from a relationship.
Then compare... And yes, that can be confronting, but might just be exactly what you need to choose your own happiness in life.

Lots of love

awww, FairyCrystal, this is amazing insight. Thank you for making the love and the time to write down this wonderful advice. I will definitely follow it, especially the lists. I am not sure if I am looking for a romantic partner in the first place -I was not looking before he showed up for many years actually... but like you said, these are things we need to do for ourselves and our own happiness and not for some guy.

I have worked a lot on myself. Obviously, there are the childhood issues there and they keep coming up in different forms -so maybe, it is one of those times that remind me I need to keep working and not lose focus.

Thank you so so much

[selene]

Originally Posted by SearchingFreedom

What I learned about twin connections is that the meeting of each other is inevitable. Somwhere on a very higher level God and also the souls decided to meet in this life. It is completely forgotten by us.

And therefore it seems to me, and I also read it somewhere on twin flames websites, that when you meet your twin flame both are forced to abandon everything thy believed before. Also they have to cross borders to live their lifes. It is evident in this story by living on different continents. And in my story it is evident because we have half-different beliefs and also he is a monk who can't have a women. If you love you cross the borders. The borders can also be unvisible in your mind and beliefs and not worldly borders.

So be patient. If this is your twin he will find you.

thank you. I have no doubt this is my twin soul, we both know it actually and he is the first to talk about twins always. But I also never think of twins absolutely having to be together romantically -I think that is more to do with emotional readiness rather than the nature of the connection. I guess this was a personal cry for help that I could have written on any forum, but I value the spiritual aspect of the relationship more than anything, and I also love how this community is supportive in understanding the emotional limitations of human relationships.

I am sorry to see that you are struggling with your own twin flame connection. I wish you patience and love and a beautiful journey of self-discovery -because, this is a journey of self-discovery.

[selene]

Originally Posted by Ziusudra

The definition of Functional Relationship is very unspecified.

What is functional relationship to you?
You have your own expectations of functional relationship and of him.



You are right. If two people really want to be together in a 'traditional functional physical romantic' relationship, they make it happen.
You are willing to go over to his continent and be with him.
But you can not because he does not share your relationship goals/expectations.

At least you two are friends. That is great.
Friendship is a functional relationship.
You may have to drop your own expectation of 'functional relationship' with him.
Nothing wrong with being just friends.
In my opinion, TFs can have great life-long friendship together. - If you two can both get there. (Pure speculation here since I have not experienced the TF friendship personally. Maybe a TF friendship is just as a hell but in a safe distance.. )

If romance is in the path for two of you as a couple, it will happen but friendship is where he is at.
So, just be a good long-distance friend to him and pursue other romantic relationships for now. (easy, right? )

thank you, I do... i do enjoy the friendship, of course. What I love about this relationship is that it does not fit in any category. My twin does not fill any void, emotional or otherwise. When in his presence, or when I talk to him, it feels more like a part of me has emerged from within and manifests physically, rather than someone coming in to complete me. So, it is easy to focus on the friendship when he is around :)

[selene]

Originally Posted by Anne

selene, I feel for your sadness on the way things went last time.

Sometimes, beleaguered by circumstance and such, getting together as a couple does not seem feasible even when wholly desired. Something becomes an obstacle. Pride maybe? Fear of success? I don’t know.

I’m probably way off the mark here, but I keep thinking maybe he/you or both are at the stage in life where career has mattered most for so long, that serious consideration to add to the mix (the vulnerable side) appears foolhardy or a conflict of interest.

The soul knows for sure, but how long will you wait in this lifetime? Another decade or so? In terms of my own experience, sometimes I think the closure would be as much a relief as anything! Next time, don’t forget to have that convo!

you are not way off the mark Anne, not at all. Any advice is appreciated. I will try to take it easy for now and try not to overthink it. I usually have great faith in the divine plan that one way or another, it will all work out for my happiness -with or without twin.