Consumed by Hatred

[Melahin]

Originally Posted by Battle00333

I don't really think i'm skilled with this. the majority of the time spiritual experiences like this just happens and im just along for the ride, I actually barely practice spirituality ever, if at all.

Spirituality simply said is the practice of you. Whatever made you excel in one part of you life can make you excel at any part of your life. Just notice what it is you do that is remarkable, and try to transfer that confidence into any field you desire. Spirituality 101. It is not really the practice, but the beingness that is central; the practice is only a way to get deeper into being what you already are: amazing!

[Battle00333]

Originally Posted by paperw1ngs

I'm sorry if I offended you; I just wanted to point out that could be how you could come across to others. It's sometimes better to be more self aware of how we come across and I've found when people are blunt with me about something that's causing me problems I learn faster than people putting things more delicately. Wish you the best really.

I'm not offended. If anything I agree that being blunt is the better way to teach someone. However, to me it simply seems that the majority of people in this world, simply cannot accept honest "blunt" opinions, unless they're "sugarcoated to cater to the ego" (I think that's the right way to put it)

Originally Posted by paperw1ngs

"I heard him desperately screaming "help me". as I heard the screaming, I started feeling calmer, I felt good. " isn't healthy for you to be feeling on an energetic level; you maybe unconciously or conciously want cruel justice when the world is the way it is because of hate and the people of the world learn better and become better through truth and love; hate only seems to breed more hate...I hope you practice forgiveness and realizing everyone in this world that hurts others is already hurting on the inside; traumatic childhoods can make people cold and mean.

you might've misunderstood that part ( I have tendency of poorly wording myself) But, what I meant is that, that feeling of calmness, is what felt good, not the screams. When I heard those screams, all that hate was suddenly just not being felt anymore and the only thing I felt instead was calmness, ( or peace, perhaps ) I don't know how it happened but I felt like I was in good hands and being taken care of.

Originally Posted by paperw1ngs

I work on this myself when I start to feel angry or spiteful to people. See them as a child who was hurt so bad that they feel the need to hurt others in the now. I can only really FEEL FREE of people who've wronged me if I work on forgiveness and seeing them as the wounded souls they are just like me and just like most people; some people just have bigger more festering wounds to heal. Grudges are a huge weight to carry.
Freedom is one of the best feelings in the world!

Best of luck!

But like, that's the thing I guess, these people weren't always this way. it wasn't until they got the power they have now, that they started becoming like this; THAT is what makes it so much much worse, to me. they take those "sounds like" impressions, and make assumptions to justify their actions; "you sound narcissistic so you must be" "you sound negative so you must be trying to be negative". Sorry but I just can't forgive something like that, maybe I'm holding too much onto grudges here but, behavior like that, simply goes against a lot of what I try to stand for. it would be a lot different if they gave me the chance to explain why I sound like the way they think I sound like, but they're not. perhaps i'm just missing something like you said about about being hurt just that badly, but the only thing I see is that they simply don't care; I just cannot see, or lack the ability to see any explanation beyond that. I myself have some very deep wounds, and scars that I deal with a lot of the time, so I know what it feels like to be badly wounded and hurt, but I just don't know. I just see people differently than you currently do, for better or for worse

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Well, I'm going to bow out of this one now (unless somebody responds to this directly), with two final comments:

1. You say that you don't practice spirituality, so why should it matter if you feel hatred? hatred is a normal and natural emotion for those who don't want to make any advancement beyond the physical, so 'haters gonna hate' should be your motto!

2. I just looked at your profile, you are a 20 year-old male...they are usually full of testosterone, are sexually frustrated and driven towards nerdy/geeky pursuits as a result, where they battle each other for 'survival' over imagined scenarios (while game creators capitalise on this).

Sorry for being so brash, but I'm learning how to love that part of myself. =)

Okay so 1: What I mean is that; I don't practice spiritual activities like meditation, astral projection, talking with "guides" etc. but I do however practice spiritual teachings(at the best of my ability).
Being yourself.; can shortened to just, being individualistic(naturally this is the complete opposite of seeking unity)
complete honesty; I believe the best way for anything and everything, is, and starts with honesty, honesty is the bridge to anything and everything. your opinion should always be honest because that is what we use to reach even higher, and to grow a beings
becoming the pinnacle of our potential ( our Higher Self)
complete equality, being able to treat everyone, spiritual beings and people alike, equally; not to be confused with unconditional love and "loving everyone equally much". but rather, give everyone the same chance to be given the same things be it, respect, love, forgiveness, power, justice, anything
complete freedom; the freedom to become anything, and the freedom to walk down any path of your choice.
and lastly, complete understanding; I believe the people of this world hold the potential to reach a very deep and meaningful understanding of one another to where one have the ability to walk in the shoes of those around them, and understand the heart of those around them.

as for 2: I grew up with games. I've always seen games as a way to bond people together; When i was young, our family would play games together; card games, board games, video games. so games have a very deep meaning to me, it is also through games I came to learn about the ability to reach a deeper understanding of people and their actions

[paperw1ngs]

Everyone has their own way of painting the world; this is just how I overcome hate; thought I'd share. I'm sure there are other ways if you're looking to help that part of yourself, was just my experience; if that's not what you're posting for; I guess carry on. XD

[Lynn]

Hello

When it comes to our online game world at times we let that place well get under our skin and we take a game to heart too much. Life itself is in some ways a game we play where were are controlled by others that might not see things our way and for that we loose contact or get expelled.

We do not like it when we can not state our case but at times its not a bad thing we are removed as we can then maybe find something new to try out. It is a normal emotion to feel anger when we get removed and not get to state our case, we too have to remember that at times EGO might play a role with an Admin in the power they hold over others and have to learn to move past that place in life as well.

As you put this post in Angles and Guides maybe your Guide stepped in and said that its time to move from this game. Maybe there is something more there to find that will serve you more. Games like all things in life need moderation, maybe this in part is the message you are being given ?

Anger released opens the doors to find more positive venues to explore.

Lynn

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by Battle00333

Have you ever had someone who made you hate them so much, that you'd want nothing more than making them suffer in every imaginable and unimaginable way? That's what I went through last night.

This is my story:
I actively play games, some games I only play for a while, then there's other games I play for a long time, and get very engaged with the community revolved around that game.
I decided that I would invest myself and achieve the impossible in a such game, and so I did. I learnt things and came up ways to improve my skills in ways the other members of the community could only dream of. at some point I made some mistakes and was rightfully disciplined by the owner of the game before we eventually came to learn to know each other as a result. It wasn't until two years later things started going downhill. some of the moderators of the community and other people began developing a bias against me, due to not only my unprecedented skill, but also my unrestricted honesty. I always try to be honest, and I always try to keep my honesty unfiltered because I think people deserve as much. however people took my honesty as arrogance, and interpreted it as me being hateful.

As a result they would start constantly looking at me with disgust, like when a noble looks down on a commoner. Being who I am, I naturally retaliated and treated them similarly in kind, but at the same time making sure they received every last bit of honesty I had. the mods, started plotting against me, and took any incident to their advantage in order to abuse their power to exact this "justice" upon me and my "wrongdoings". There was a person above them, an admin, whom knew about their bias the entire time. rather than doing the right thing by putting an end to it, he chose to be their lapdog and let them do as they pleased, at my expense. eventually I was simply just cast out due to my "inability to correct my misbehavior". I did everything they wanted me to do at the best of my ability, I wanted the best for the community and the game, and this was my reward. Needless to say, I had accumulated a lot of negative emotions let alone hatred towards these people but I just let it stir, trying to keep it down.



(I still play the game because it is very close to my heart, and I still care for it dearly)
Until yesterday, that's when I finally couldn't hold it back anymore. I came across a group of people whom really had to be reported, but then I remembered that even if I were to do the right thing and report them, the staff wouldn't act on it because the report came from me, and the hate started warming up. I decided that I would at least contact the admin, call him out. then I discovered that the admin had removed me from his contacts, effectively revoking my ability to contact him, and the hate started boiling. I couldn't keep it down anymore. I felt like murdering them, like filling their hearts with despair and watch their souls suffer as I would put them through an everlasting nightmare. I felt like stripping them of so much that there wouldn't be any pieces to put back together. I needed it, I desired it and I yearned for it. I want to unload all this hatred and rage on them tenfold, and enjoy watching everything unfold as I plunged them into something that reaches deeper than the abyss.

At this point it was 4:30 AM in the morning and this had kept me awake for the past 2 hours. However as I was trying to sleep. I suddenly got visions, of different things. I saw a black shrouded figure, surrounded by light whom resembled my considered Higher Self. I saw red eyes, as well as a dark red-eyed figure. lastly I saw a dark masked faceless figure; its face was nothing but a hollow mask. Then i heard the screaming. I didn't recognize the voice, it was very faint, and muffled, but It was the voice of a young male. I heard him desperately screaming "help me". as I heard the screaming, I started feeling calmer, I felt good. All this hate I had felt moments ago, suddenly became dormant just like that. I questioned where the screams were coming from, but surprisingly hearing them didn't worry me nor bother me. I had absolutely no care about what this individual was going through, I didn't even feel sorry for him. the only thing that mattered to me at that point was that I felt as if I was gonna be okay now, and that I was being protected; the same sense of protection children feel when they're embraced by their loved ones after waking up from a nightmare or when they check for monsters before kissing you goodnight. the voice called out three or four times before it went quiet, and I fell asleep shortly after

I'm sorry things deteriorated for you with this online community. Unfortunately sometimes meaning and context can get lost when all we see are words. I'm just going to throw a few things out there for you to consider. I'm not you so I don't know your experience but some of the things you have said seem to relate a little to things I have recently learned about myself.

I'll start by saying I get your feelings of anger and rage. I don't sense you are beating yourself up about it, I did and it made things worse so if you do try to give yourself a break. The human brain is designed for survival and will strike out at anything it sees as a threat. It doesn't know the difference between physical versus non physical threats so it will lash out just as fiercely at at a non physical threat as a real one.

You don't know me but in general I try to be a kind person but over time after years of driving rush hour I deleloped some pretty bad road rage. I knew I need not get so angry but couldn't seem to stop. I would fly into a rage at my fellow drivers and stew about it for hours afterwards. There were a few times I even felt homicidal I was that angry. This went against my value of being kind so at some point I would turn on myself but I did honestly feel like murdering people who would rush to get in front of you then slow down and trap you behind them. I felt incredibly disrespected and I wanted to fight back.

What I wasn't seeing was that my thinking was grounded in competition and the win/lose mentality. The need to win over my fellow drivers at the game of rush hour put me at odds with them. Put me in an us versus them mentality which caused me to hate them and see them as the enemy and threats that needed to be anhilated. Completely irrational and way blown out of proportion to the situation but because my thinking was trapped in absolutes of black and white, right and wrong, win or lose I was identifying my worth based on whether I won or lost and subsequently my ego felt threatened thinking I wasn't good enough if someone gained position on the road over me and it made me feel I had to get back at them. I had to stop looking at people as the battle I was trying to win over and just look at the situation as the challenge. I had to stop looking at the daily commute as a competition to be won and focus on the things that were really tripping me up. Being impatient to get to where I needed to go and feeling trapped were the things I needed to conquer and my frustration towards the other drivers subsided.

It's a little trickier when you are engaged in actual competition but just ask yourself if you possibly see others as the enemy you need to conquer as opposed to simply being about you winning the game. You didn't choose your screen name by accident. Battle00333 is centered around competition at its greatest. A battle to win a war? What war? So maybe do a bit of research on black and white thinking and see if it can help you understand where your thinking lives and possibly help you resolve your anger issues.

As for the vision my perception is those were all aspects related to your dilemma. Your higher self is shrouded in black thinking. You are seeing red or seething with anger. Your enemy is a faceless person because it isn't about one person in particular but about the idea of who this masked person represents to you, possibly the enemy. And then the young screaming boy crying for help is your inner child who was taught to think in black and white ways that ultimately causes a lot of inner pain. Odds are you were miss guided as a child by the idea your worth is wrapped up in winning the game. If you aren't winning the game, the battle, the argument with the community then your sense of self becomes threatened and the fear for survival part of us lashes out. Shift your perceptions on gaming, competition and the win/lose concept and you save the child. Because ultimately we really only hurt ourselves when we put our worth in whether we are winning or losing at life. You are not more or less worthy based on your win/loss record. We are only here to give things a go and the results are irrelevant. You are infinitely loved, appreciated and wanted simply for being alive. The vision to me suggests you are ready to let go of the fight and save the child that was misguided into believing he had to fight and win to be worthy so you can begin to see yourself for who you really are. A soul just trying to have a human experience.

[Battle00333]

I think it's a good thing but,I'm running out of things to say
A lot of good wisdom being thrown out from the two of you.
you're right Michelle, it IS a fear for survival, but it isn't really my own survival I fear for in this case. What they're doing is essentially killing the community I want to keep alive, but I'm one of only a handful of people who see that. I can only really compare it with Global Warming, and people who doesn't think it's real. The community, or "World" that I want to flourish, they are obliviously destroying. I was asking myself a couple days ago, why we feel hate; Why I myself feel hate,why anyone feels hate. the answer I got, is that we feel hate towards anything, ultimately because we love it, but feel betrayed by it. To me, you can't hate more than you can love, and vice versa. So on the basis of that answer; The hate I feel, is ultimately from the fact that I feel betrayed by the community I love.

I had another dream last night, there aren't really a lot of details, but I guess that's a good thing.
I was just in my room, it was during the day. then I got this, impression of a demon somewhere. except I don't think it really was a demon, it just felt like one. at the same time, it was like something was inside me and trying to get out. it was so painful I started screaming because it felt like my very being was being split in two, but the odd thing is that I didn't feel any pain. before anything Happened I woke up. I fell asleep again soon after and another weird thing happened. I don't know if this was a vision, dream, or if I was just imagining it; but I was in the laundry room now(which is right next to the kitchen and about 10m from my room) and there was this dark grey slick,slimy nearly faceless creature, this "demon" trying to force it's way out of my chest. there was this angel, or something resembling an angel there whom my point of view belonged to(felt like a "He"). from his? point of view, it was like my higher self,or part of me( probably both at the same time) was trying to keep it from "leaving" against its own will. behind me from my POV, it looked like the partial silhouette of my higher self, behind me, holding onto it. It was like this "demon" was stuck in some tug of war, between this angel and my "higher self". the odd thing is that this "demon" looked terrified and was desperately trying to escape, not from me but from my higher self. the "demon" was determined on leaving and never coming back.
I got the impression there were more "demons" like this, but that's where this "dream" falls short. the dream made me want to come back to read your posts(Lynn and Michelle) over again.

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by Battle00333

A lot of good wisdom being thrown out from the two of you.
you're right Michelle, it IS a fear for survival, but it isn't my own survival I fear for. What they're doing is essentially killing the community I want to keep alive, but I'm one of only a handful of people who see that. I can only really compare it with Global Warming, and people who doesn't think it's real. The community, or "World" that I want to flourish, they are obliviously destroying. I was asking myself a couple days ago, why we feel hate; Why I myself feel hate,why anyone feels hate. the answer I got, is that we feel hate towards anything, ultimately because we love it, but feel betrayed by it. To me I you can't hate more than you can love, and vice versa. So on the basis of that answer; The hate I feel really, is ultimately from the fact that I feel betrayed by the community I love.

I had another dream last night, there aren't really a lot of details, but I guess that's a good thing.
I was just in my room, it was during the day. then I got this, impression of a demon somewhere. except I don't think it really was a demon, it just felt like one. at the same time, it was like something was inside me and trying to get out. it was so painful I started screaming because it felt like my very being was being split in two, but the odd thing is that I didn't feel any pain. before anything Happened I woke up. I fell asleep again soon after and another weird thing happened. I don't know if this was a vision, dream, or if I was just imagining it; but I was in the laundry room now(which is right next to the kitchen and about 10m from my room) and there was this dark grey slick,slimy nearly faceless creature, this "demon" trying to force it's way out of my chest. there was this angel, or something resembling an angel there whom my point of view belonged to(felt like a "He"). from his? point of view, it was like my higher self,or part of me( probably both at the same time) was trying to keep it from "leaving" against its own will. behind me from my POV, it looked like the partial silhouette of my higher self, behind me, holding onto it. It was like this "demon" was stuck in some tug of war, between this angel and my "higher self". the odd thing is that this "demon" looked terrified and was desperately trying to escape, not from me but from my higher self. the "demon" was determined on leaving and never coming back.
I got the impression there were more "demons" like this, but that's where this "dream" falls short. the dream made me want to come back to read your posts(Lynn and Michelle) over again.

I think it's a good thing but,I'm running out of things to say

Makes sense considering it's a community you love. It's normal to want to fight to keep it from falling apart. So what is your opinion of anger and hate? Do you see it as evil in some ways? Do you feel you are being painted as evil by others in the community? It almost seems your visions point to some inner conflict in you about good and evil.

[Battle00333]

Originally Posted by Michelle11

Makes sense considering it's a community you love. It's normal to want to fight to keep it from falling apart. So what is your opinion of anger and hate? Do you see it as evil in some ways? Do you feel you are being painted as evil by others in the community? It almost seems your visions point to some inner conflict in you about good and evil.

It is hard for me to explain what my opinion is because like, I believe in both darkness and light. Light teaches you about Kindness and love, while darkness teaches you about, fear and hate ( essentially). so I think anger and hate, is just as necessary as love and happiness. The path I believe in is association of neither but mastery of both, a completely neutral path; a path of complete balance, where both dark and light and their teachings, coexist together. it is through my Higher Self I learned of a such path because he walks a such path.
I don't believe Evil is Darkness, Light is just as likely to give birth to Evil as darkness is.
Evil is relative, the complete reversed reflection of ourselves. because of that it is forever changing, non-existent yet always there.

I mean, I know what they think of me. To them i'm just someone who's "always negative and rude" . I always try to stay honest, and I always say my opinion no matter how disrespectful it may sound, because to me, showing honesty is the greatest way to show your respect; you can't respect someone if you can't be honest with them. , they don't agree with that, they think if telling the truth about what you feel or think, means hurting someone, you should just bottle it up inside of yourself and let the thought choke until it's gone. However for me, it just doesn't work that way, When I bottle up my own honest opinions,it starts to sting,Alot, and it never stops. So I end up hurting myself because it just starts filling up my mind. and the more it stockpiles the more likely it is to lash out. So I end up in this dilemma where I get punished by people for being honest with how I feel and think about them, and punishing myself for not doing so.
It's like I just have this "piercing" honesty, because it seems to always hit the part of someone's heart that needs it the most whether they want it to or not. So I guess, they Paint me as "Evil" because it seems to always hit the spots they don't want to be hit.
I've tried talking with people about why they don't like me. and it Always boils down to that their impression of what I'm saying is negative, but they're unable to explain why; which to me basically says they're basing it off of an assumption

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by Battle00333

It is hard for me to explain what my opinion is because like, I believe in both darkness and light. Light teaches you about Kindness and love, while darkness teaches you about, fear and hate ( essentially). so I think anger and hate, is just as necessary as love and happiness. The path I believe in is association of neither but mastery of both, a completely neutral path; a path of complete balance, where both dark and light and their teachings, coexist together. it is through my Higher Self I learned of a such path because he walks a such path.
I don't believe Evil is Darkness, Light is just as likely to give birth to Evil as darkness is.
Evil is relative, the complete reversed reflection of ourselves. because of that it is forever changing, non-existent yet always there.

And yet when you try to express your hate (displeasure with how the community is going) you get reprimanded so the message that is possibly being passed back to you is that you should hold back? Thus the vision of the angel holding the demon who is in pain by not being allowed to express that pain is possibly the struggle you are facing? Does this resonate with you at all? You have an understanding that no one is inherently all good or all bad but others don't necessarily hold that same view and may hold you to some impression that is bringing up some inner pain in you. That you are evil or bad for expressing your truth and honesty. I am not living your experience so I can't say that it is an accurate assessment, it is for you to decide, but that is the impression I get.

It's pretty common for people to respond to anger and hatred by railing against it. Anger and hatred makes people uncomfortable and it causes them to feel like they are in danger so they naturally want to arm themselves against it and even paint the person who they perceive is acting out as evil. So though I agree it is good to be honest, sometimes the way we say things can have an impact on whether or not someone would be willing to engage with us or not. It's not what we say but how we say it that counts. Especially when in an online setting where meaning can be lost when all we see are just words. You do have every right to speak your truth but others have the right to not want to hear it especially if they feel they are being attacked, regardless if we feel justified in our anger.

So in the spirit of being blatantly honest how do you approach a disagreement with others? Do you only express your dissatisfaction with the circumstances or do you also bring people and their character into the discussion? I'm not implying that you attack people's characters or that you are possibly all to blame for the fray but that odds are both parties have a part in the deterioration of the relationship. Arguments are never a one way street so an honest look at things can help us see things better. I wasn't privy to how the situation played out for you so I can't formulate an opinion but just suggest that looking at how things played out from an objective viewpoint, similar to how you objectively see darkness and light, can maybe help you can pinpoint your inner pain and resolve it. You may have a viewpoint that anger and outrage are normal and healthy but it is also possible a part of you has taken on the pain of feeling like you are evil for expressing it because of how others respond to you? This is something for you to discover and decide for yourself but just because we think one way doesn't mean we don't feel a whole other way. Just because a person may not see themselves as evil, that doesn't mean if people are treating them as evil that it doesn't hurt. I might also recommend you consider looking into conflict resolution. Your intentions appear to be in the right place but it's possible finding new ways to communicate your anger would help you resolve conflict as opposed to inadvertently escalating it. Something to think about if you think it could help. Take care.

[Battle00333]

Originally Posted by Michelle11

And yet when you try to express your hate (displeasure with how the community is going) you get reprimanded so the message that is possibly being passed back to you is that you should hold back? Thus the vision of the angel holding the demon who is in pain by not being allowed to express that pain is possibly the struggle you are facing?

I might've worded it weirdly but I think you misunderstand, my Higher Self(who isn't an angel though he is related somehow to them) was holding it. I was the one in pain from the demon forcing itself out, while the demon was trying to escape out of fear of being inflicted more pain by my higher self. the angel who shared his "eyes" with me, appeared to want to get that demon away from me, while my Higher Self appeared to want the opposite (namely drag the demon back in all )