It is over. This hurts soooo bad...

[Clover]

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[selene]

FairyCrystal, this is shocking news -your story was a beautiful one. My heart goes out to you ... I can't imagine how painful this is, considering that you are being separated from someone who admits their love to you... it's telling and unfortunate how flakey twin flame relationships are, for all their beauty.
Hang in there and trust that the force that brought you together to experience this great love is working for both your benefit and growth...

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you all. . I haven'the got access to a pc... phone only... totally not handy. Back home tomorrow I will update and reply.thank you for all you support!!

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Thank you all. . I haven'the got access to a pc... phone only... totally not handy. Back home tomorrow I will update and reply.thank you for all you support!!

Hoping you're bearing up a little, my thoughts are with you

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Faith33

Fairy Crystal (((hugs)))
My heart also dropped reading this news...felt like I was going through it myself.
What I don't understand either is how can one be crazy about another and still able to fall in love with someone new? Can't wrap my head around this type of thinking. When in love, one doesn't have eyes for anyone but their love interest...at least that's how it is for me.

Please make yourself top priority at this time with the love and nurturing needed to mend this broken heart.
Thinking of you and sending prayers....

Thank you so very much, Faith!!
I'm not sure either. I guess it's only 2 options: either he was missing that one last 'click' with me or he is so afraid to make that last step in commitment that he subconsciously opens up to being able to fall in love with another. The mind works in mysterious ways, and fear can easily cause us to create shortcuts and escape routes.
I'm quite sure that it's the latter, not because I need that comfort, but for the sheer fact that he has been relationship hopping even since his divorce. And he isn't really a 'hopper' as he was in a deeply committed relationship for almost 30 years, loyal and monogamous.
But I gotta deal with it, no matter what his reasons are. In a way it doesn't even matter, what matters is me, my life, and me healing me. That's what I'm trying to focus on, I'm doing quite well, surprising myself to be honest! But there are moments that are real tough. Memories, questions, and every now and then the denial thing --> It was so beautiful when we... We had such a great time when.... He was totally nuts about me in...
and so on and so forth.
I'm trying to not drown in those things, won't do me any good. But yes, it is tough.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Sincerely sorry to hear this, FairyCrystal, but relieved to read that you've faced it head on and ready to allow yourself to heal.

It's one big blow (I know it from my own past), absolutely gut-wrenching.

So here's hoping you can sleep at night and find things to distract yourself from the pain.

Thanks you Lorelyen. I had two god awful nights, couldn't sleep. Last 2 nights have been a bit better, but it still the first thing to crosses my mind when I wake up.
But I'll get there. I'm doing okayish, better than ever before after a breakup, proof of how much I've grown.
The worst part of it all is that he has another already. Have had that before with my ex, and that hurt me more than the fact we split up. Now it has happened again. I kind of knew intuitively, just told myself I was wrong, it came from my own fears. Turns out my intuition was right.
It didn't hurt me as much as finding out with my ex (the other one, lol), that he had another. It's just the thought that I'm in pain while he's being happy with another. All assumptions, I don't know whether or not he is with this other woman at all. But just the thought itself hurts. Badly. It's one thing if someone doesn't love you the right way no more, it's another when he's already moved on. Again, an assumption, because he could also be hurting in his own way about breaking up with me. It wasn't for nothing it took him 2 whole months to decide. And no, he wasn't doing anything much with this other woman yet. She was beginning to pressure him to make a decision, because he doesn't get involved nor intimate with 2 women at the same time. I guess she got impatient, haha. But the fact he did that, tells me he did struggle with it for a long time.
Oh well... gut-wrenching, for sure! I loved the man to bits, still do, thought he really was the love of my life. Like my heart's been ripped out. Yet there's also relief cos I've felt for 2 months something wasn't right, and at least I don't have that insecurity, doubt and stress because of that anymore.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Eternal Flame

I'm sorry to hear that FairyCrystal.

Regardless of whatever the connection is or isn't, you are losing a relationship here.

That is some of the deepest pain.

Thank you, and yes, totally true. So sweet makes me cry.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by missxchief

my heart sunk reading this because Ive been there too, and I know its the worst most confusing heartbreak ever. But trust, its not over and things are unfolding exactly as they should. Its not much consolation now but in time you'll look back and see that this was an important and necessary part of the journey. You have to be broken apart so that love can shine through. chin up *hugs*

Thank you!

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Akira

Hi Honey
I have just logged in and seen your message. I am so sorry sweetheart. There is nothing that I can say that will be any consolation right now *all the hugs in the land are winging their way to you right now*

Take time to cry, to heal and to work out what next. Be completely in the upset all of it and allow yourself to scream, because I can imagine that you want to...

I know the situation creates a dent in your power, that's fine just be with that. Whatever feelings come up for you be with them okay. I know I am not there, but just know that all of us here at sf are supporting you to get through this.

You are already strong enough, powerful enough and able. The df's are phenomenal superpowers of loving energy. Ride that wave and be the love for yourself right now.

Your always there for everybody and me too, and I love your positive outlook and how you have worked to spread that on the forum. Stay strong, no matter how long this takes to pass, remember your strength...

I know that nothing I have written here will take away the pain that is in your heart chakra right now, I know that. It is however, the best support I can give you right now. It is my love.

My heart, my love and my thoughts are with you.
Look after yourself beautiful lady, you are precious and you were sent here to share that.

Love to you xxX

Thank you so much, Akira! Means a lot to me!
And yes, my positive outlook is helping me now as well, although it isn't always easy. And I'm wise enough to know I'm not out of the woods just yet even though I feel okayish right now.
He is going to come over Saturday next, I asked him to because I need that for closure. If he is going to cancel that, I will get very upset. I really need that closure and for that I really need to see him one last time. If he is going to deny me that, I will hurt. I have this need to be worthy enough for him to give me that.

[FairyCrystal]

I have learnt a lot from it all, also to not ignore my own needs anymore. For instance, one of the main points on my list of what I need, is that a man is able and willing to commit and over his past relationship(s).
He checked ALL other boxes on my list of what I need in a relationship/partner in order to be happy. But I do think I'm going to revise that a bit, haha. I will add some stuff to it. Based on what I've learnt with him.
For instance, I have learnt that I need to be and feel cherished. I'm Venus ruled so I need that more than average. Not because I'm needy, it's just how I'm wired. I tend to lose interest when I don't feel cherished.
I did feel cherished a lot, esp until the summer. But he did fall short a bit on certain aspects of how I need to feel cherished.
And, no that is not being demanding, it's knowing what makes me happy and what doesn't.
Because he didn't take that one last step in really committing, which would be to make clear I'm his girl, his partner in crime etc., I missed out on a bit of feeling cherished, and exactly that bit is imperative to me. I wouldn't have known if it wasn't for this relationship. Sure I must've known subconsciously, now I know consciously.
He was awful with planning, vague with when he was going to arrive and leave. I need to know that sort of thing. 2nd time we spend the night together he wanted to leaved right after breakfast because he'd made plans with a mate. That was the first time I totally got triggered. I had figured he'd wanted to stay with me at least for the day, just to enjoy each other's company.
Now I know that that sort of thing doesn't work for me. I was too blinded by my own fears and triggers and working on them to see that pattern. Now I do see it. And I realise I don't like that tendency in a partner. It's too vague for me to be comfortable with.
The other learning point in that is that even though you get triggered to bits, you still have to pay attention to the reasons for it. Even though you're chit scared and focusing on working through your fears, you still have to make sure you notice patterns in the other that you may not like, or that makes the other incompatible with you.
I'd never read about that. I was just focusing on my fears so I wouldn't get triggered so much anymore, totally forgetting to also look at the patterns that triggered me. Reacting too much from the belief that "I am the one who gets triggered so there's something about me that I need to get sorted." and not enough attention to the bit "maybe I have GOOD reason to get triggered!!"

Doesn't change the fact that it is painful and that we really had a very good thing and very deep connection between us.
I do remember everything was totally great until approx Nov/Dec 2016. He even told me he didn't doubt one bit, he was totally certain. Yet in December something had changed. I wanted to spend Christmas together and New Years Eve, only to find he was distant then.
Oh well, right now focus on digesting it all, healing my heart and make sure I don't slip into low self-esteem and blaming myself. I'm REAL good at that, convincing myself it happened because there's something wrong with me, or that I shouldn't have done this that or the other.
In that sense even this breakup is an enormous lesson to learn to not do that to myself anymore. So I do see the beautiful gifts this relationship brought me, even this lesson now, learning to deal with a breakup in a different way from what I've ever done before. And lo' and behold: I actually AM!! I had never expected that. I truly have grown a lot, and yes, all this horrible triggering for 16 months is exactly what brought me that growth.
I had hoped we could grow together though, me coping with my fears and self-esteem, him with his fear of abandonment. I guess it wasn't meant to be that way...
Odd thing is that the first 3 people I told about this told me that he'd be back.
Even more odd that earlier this year I've had vision where we'd broken up, me standing outdoors with another partner and him driving up the street, getting out the car, me spotting him and running to him, hugging and kissing, home again.
This happened some 3 times way way way way before we broke up. But I'm not going to cling to hope. I'm 51, lol, I don't do teenage fantasies anymore. Would be a nice distraction, but I don't need fantasies. I want the real deal.

In any case, been on the phone with him for almost 2 hours just now. Really good to have that conversation. We spoken about a great many things we never spoke about before, not this openly. That was possible now for me, because I have nothing to lose anymore. So there is no fear.
We talked about this commitment fear as well.
And hearing that he still cares for me deeply, loves me still, and also feels this deep bond we have, does me a lot of good.
I'm not going to live in hope, I do intent to heal and move on. But still wouldn't surprise me if this gets another ending at some point in time. I still believe we are TFs but I'm not going to latch onto the concept and/or us coming back together.
For now I'm really happy we had a wonderful conversation. Somehow it feels like this was long overdue. I know it was, someone on this forum told me in August/ September to talk openly together, that it was imperative. Yet, I didn't know how to, too scared I guess. Afraid to stir things up when it already felt things were going haywire.