Not being ready for a relationship

[M.Tesla]

When you're not ready for a relationship...but you want one, and all the relationships you do attract just end badly. Does it mean you should take time to be ready for one? I've always wanted a committed relationship, since I was young I wanted to get married. It seems life has given me many obstacles to that though, including being emotionally damaged from childhood. It wasn't what I chose, or wanted, but it all happened anyway and I am made to deal with the aftermath of it. It's frustrating, to say the least. But I must overcome these hurdles.
Also, how do you know when you're ready for a relationship? Is it as easy to know the same way I know I'm not ready?

[Mr_Determined]

Originally Posted by M.Tesla

When you're not ready for a relationship...but you want one, and all the relationships you do attract just end badly. Does it mean you should take time to be ready for one?

Ah yeah! Like your heart instinct desires companionship of someone to fill the void, but for some of us guys who are analyzers and deep thinkers, we might suffer from anxiety and depression and have lowered our self-confidence by listening to our negative conscience, we usually end up choosing what our gut tells us instead. Therefore we bypass such opportunities and later regret it!

Definitely! It's like open-heart surgery without the need of an anesthetic. Focus on what your heart really wants and prepare for what challenges you may eventually face, over coming clutter in our lives, change the way you might socialize, setting small goals/tasks for yourself, eating healthy, exercise, get rid of old nasty habits etc. Not only will your heart appreciate it, you'll be doing your whole body a favor and at the end of each day, you'll feel like a super hero.

Originally Posted by M.Tesla

I've always wanted a committed relationship, since I was young I wanted to get married. It seems life has given me many obstacles to that though, including being emotionally damaged from childhood. It wasn't what I chose, or wanted, but it all happened anyway and I am made to deal with the aftermath of it.

Your not the only one M.Tesla!

It's up to us to change our perception from past events, we may not be able to change what happen then, but we can certainly learn from it and change our motives for a better tomorrow by becoming aware of our current daily routines. Only then can we receive enlightenment and more self-control which may bring confidence in our lives to the point of chasing after something we surely crave for. Life will always be a struggle, we need to stop obsessing about the things we could have once had, turn over a new leaf and plan out our future road map.

Originally Posted by M.Tesla

It's frustrating, to say the least. But I must overcome these hurdles.
Also, how do you know when you're ready for a relationship? Is it as easy to know the same way I know I'm not ready?

If anyone else can, I'm certainly sure you can too!

I avoided a potential spouse five years ago simply because I knew that deep down not only was I not ready, but I needed time to work on my own priorities to clean my act up. (I've known of this person for well over twenty years), but only ever saw them around once in a blue moon. Even though I believe this person is out of my league, they know they are in my interest to this day and I know they are currently in a relationship, that doesn't bother me as I don't wish to pursue any other. We have been communicating on a telepathic level.

As much as I want them to be happy. I needed to invest time to work on what brings me happiness so I have the right intentions, motives and frame of mind to not be a failure.

When both parties can engage in smile to smiles, eyes focused on each other and heart to hearts, then BAM! That is when you'll be crossing the finish line in first place.

Don't know if my last post should have been here, chaotic ignoring the rules is a symptom of psychosis, strange attractors are the basis of fractals, the never ending self-similar patterns of nature. Sorry.

[M.Tesla]

Originally Posted by Kangol

Ah yeah! Like your heart instinct desires companionship of someone to fill the void, but for some of us guys who are analyzers and deep thinkers, we might suffer from anxiety and depression and have lowered our self-confidence by listening to our negative conscience, we usually end up choosing what our gut tells us instead. Therefore we bypass such opportunities and later regret it!

Definitely! It's like open-heart surgery without the need of an anesthetic. Focus on what your heart really wants and prepare for what challenges you may eventually face, over coming clutter in our lives, change the way you might socialize, setting small goals/tasks for yourself, eating healthy, exercise, get rid of old nasty habits etc. Not only will your heart appreciate it, you'll be doing your whole body a favor and at the end of each day, you'll feel like a super hero.



Your not the only one M.Tesla!

It's up to us to change our perception from past events, we may not be able to change what happen then, but we can certainly learn from it and change our motives for a better tomorrow by becoming aware of our current daily routines. Only then can we receive enlightenment and more self-control which may bring confidence in our lives to the point of chasing after something we surely crave for. Life will always be a struggle, we need to stop obsessing about the things we could have once had, turn over a new leaf and plan out our future road map.



If anyone else can, I'm certainly sure you can too!

I avoided a potential spouse five years ago simply because I knew that deep down not only was I not ready, but I needed time to work on my own priorities to clean my act up. (I've known of this person for well over twenty years), but only ever saw them around once in a blue moon. Even though I believe this person is out of my league, they know they are in my interest to this day and I know they are currently in a relationship, that doesn't bother me as I don't wish to pursue any other. We have been communicating on a telepathic level.

As much as I want them to be happy. I needed to invest time to work on what brings me happiness so I have the right intentions, motives and frame of mind to not be a failure.

When both parties can engage in smile to smiles, eyes focused on each other and heart to hearts, then BAM! That is when you'll be crossing the finish line in first place.

Ahh, I love this reply thank you friend. Very sweet reply. :)

I am working on myself, I am and I don't want to jump into a relationship right now because I want to heal and love and honor myself first. Make myself complete and happy and whole. There's someone that is interested in me at the moment, but, she cheated on me in the past, and, the breakup ended badly. I know I need to forgive that. Not for her, but for me. It's a learning lessons for sure.

Best wishes for you as well

[rainbow.sprinkles]

I was a serial dater most of my life and my relationships were always ****. some partners were even abusive. Eventually, a few years ago, I finally realized that I needed to start doing something differently instead of continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. So after I left my ex, I made the choice to commit myself to staying single for at least a year. And I did it. I focused on myself and only myself. And a year and a few months after I left him, I met my current partner, and for the first time in my entire life, I'm in a happy, healthy, positive, supportive, amazing relationship. I'm in a better place than I ever have been, my life was good before he came along, and he just makes it better. I'm not depending on him to be my saviour and fix everything; I fixed everything myself and now I get to choose him, because I don't feel a desperate need to have him there; rather, I genuinely love and want him there. It's a whole different ballgame.

[FairyCrystal]

@ Rainbow Sprinkles, lovely to read, thank you for sharing!!

I think the best answer for the OP as well.
Also begin telling a different story. Often we repeat the sobstories of our life, which means you keep in that energy and keep recreating and attracting similar things.
So you had a cr@p childhood, so what? Almost everybody did. You can make a long ongoing TV series from all the misery I've had in my life. People would love it, haha, ppl love drama.

But... you could also choose to look at what opportunities for growth your childhood offered you. What could you learn and become because of it? And start telling that story. Be grateful for these lessons and forgive.

Focusing on the good & positive -even of what came out of abusive and bad situations- is difficult as our egos prefer to tell and repeat the negative stuff.
Here's where you have to use your willpower to force your focus on something else. It takes a bit of time, but then it will become your new 'normal'.
Of course you have to heal things that still bother you.

How to know if you're truly ready... when you don't even need one anymore. Because that's when you can handle yourself and your own happiness in life.
Your life and days are filled with joy even though you are single. Then you are ready.

If we want to live in the world around us (i.e. not become nuns or hermits) we encounter people and form relationships of various kinds. Some are about sharing some of our beings for a varying amount of time. There's always a chance that one will become permanent.

Some of whether we stay permanent must be about whether we can "grow" or proceed together and converge. If we find ourselves diverging then it won't last no matter how we try to coerce the other into staying - unless we can pull it back on track. There are many external causes of divergence so we have to see what we can do about them.

But pondering about whether you're ready or not comes with expectations that bias your approach to suitable candidates. I'm sure men as well as women detect this and may put up a barrier no matter how slight. Best to treat all as individuals. Be appreciative, be interested and just act naturally trying not to signal expectation....Ok, expectation can't be avoided altogether. Finding yourself attracted to someone who appears to return the feeling is bound to raise hope - hope is fine but the moment you hint at "this is my plan" then the other may back away. Maybe not. Look on it as a filter. Maybe that person has the same expectations as you (which doesn't mean you're going to mesh after the first few dates but there's a hope).

We're all individuals and are as ready as we'll ever be to engage in the relationships we have to. (In some kinds of relationships, business for example, expectations might be important if a deal is in the offing. But with voluntary, intimate relationships, the meshing has to come from the heart, so to speak - so expect nothing and let that other person burst into blossom).
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Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

@ Rainbow Sprinkles, lovely to read, thank you for sharing!!

I think the best answer for the OP as well.
Also begin telling a different story. Often we repeat the sobstories of our life, which means you keep in that energy and keep recreating and attracting similar things.

That's one of the things Freud pointed out so we have to try to understand the relevance of our most basic drives and how they fit into our situations. Most people suffer insecurities of some kind (even e.g. losing their jobs when they have big mortgages to pay and families to feed) so we have to try to reduce them wherever we can. Understanding can take painful honesty at times.
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