Dream stabbed nan and having to leave home

[Ladyrose92]

Dreamt I was at my main childhood home, I stabbed my nan in the chest. (Mums mum) People were telling me to do it. I didn't want to but I punctured one wound on her chest under her neck then done another bigger one on the right side of her chest. The knife was so big with two sharp points that it was like a combat sword or something. She was laying dead at the foot of the stairs. My mum told me to do it but it was like she was unaware what happened until I had a chance to get away. I was upstairs with Matt and someone else maybe a sibling think it was my brother, asking them to help me get my bits together as I need to go on the run. I was asking what will I do, getting into a panic. They told me to calm down. I was getting different coats, a dark one for the top layer so I'm not spotted easily, my pink jacket and another one. I carried them to put them on outside as there was no time. I was looking for my plimsole shoes but couldn't see them, as I looked at my trainers Matt did too and said wear those they'll be better anyway and then I was getting other bits like water and sanitary items and warm socks. I was looking for snacks but couldn't find any so just took a couple bottles of water. I didn't know where I would end up but I knew it was outside for the night. I could see my mum looking at a series of photographs of me standing in different scenes throughout childhood and teenage years, she was saying that me, and my sister Chloe haven't done anything in life. That in all the pics we look the same and haven't progressed from there. I felt ashamed. I could see in each picture I had the same emotionally awkward look. She was running around and people were distracting her so I could get away. Matt was not taking it seriously before I had to leave. I was rushing him to help. My nan was at the bottom of the stairs with a black bag over her. A sauce company that made the sword I used or has something to do with the incident called my mum. I heard the company name and said to Matt isn't that the people who made what I used and he said yeah so I said I need to get out of here now. Mum was quoting from my cv saying I said I was a salami or something, I knew they were on to me. I got outside the front of the house but I forgot something important so asked Matt to go grab it. My mum looked out the front window towards me so I stayed still behind a small bush. I could see she was realising someone was there so I stayed still and smiled hoping she wouldn't realise but my brother inside started calling my mum to create a diversion so she went to him. Matt sneaked past and gave me whatever it was I can't remember, maybe my phone. Earlier in the bedroom where I first started to leave I asked if I should turn the phone off but they said not straight away, in a little while. I was going to turn it on aeroplane mode so there was no signal but I listened to them as I think they wanted to call me soon. I was giving Matt kisses goodbye until I had to turn to leave into the night. Then I woke up.


The thing about my nan reminded me of the last time we spoke about 10-15 years ago. My mum has a bad history with her mum, had an awful upbringing. My nan was arguing with my mum and I didn't like seeing her upset, nan was getting possessive over her grandchild, so mum told me to say that this child was not Juliette, which was the name of a child my nan lost. At the time I felt like I was sticking up for my mum but I immediately felt bad as I didn't know at the time who this child was and the story behind how she lost her. I've not ever dreamt of that nan so this was what I thought the stabbing could be. Matt told me something terrible about his past yesterday, so I don't know if this has brought up these bad memories. I also updated my cv yesterday, there was so much waffle and it's so much more informative and highlights what's ive done much better, I couldn't believe it was rubbish for so long. Also, when Matt told me what happened to him, I felt a wave of understanding, I realised why he has been the way he has all this time and I understood that all the times I couldn't understand him or his motives was because he was expressing anger or fear about what happened. I thought unless there's something else then I don't get why he is the way he is at times. It also allowed me to not feel so bad about arguements etc as I didn't know any better, although I noted that really I should have that compassion all the time, because you don't know who has experienced trauma and to be harsh with them etc isn't fair, as you wouldn't if you knew but then being harsh must make them feel even more isolated. So I learnt that lesson. But I feel the same applies to this memory of my nan, that i shouldn't beat myself up about it as my mum influenced me, I didn't know what the comment really meant and if it was now, I would never say that. So it feels to me, although the dream was nasty, it's triggered a healing process? Also where I stabbed my nan on the right side of her chest is exactly where I get really sharp shooting pains at times. I wonder if the that is the site where this whole issue manifests in my body. To add as well, the night before last, Matt said to me it was hard to talk to me when I get angry and defensive if he says something I don't like and it makes it hard to speak to me. So I listened to this and said yesterday to God that I will listen and not get angry, which I did and then Matt opened up to me. So I feel this all wraps up together.

[Michelle11]

I have to agree that the dream is old trauma you are trying to heal from your past. Maybe brought up from the argument with Matt and some guilt you felt afterwards. You feel shame, guilt and feel like a criminal when you cut someone down with your angry words and then want to run away. The situation with your Nan being a good example of this conditioning. You actually had good intentions wanting to protect your mother from an 'evil' nan. Is that a message you got often from your mother, that your nan was not a good person? In any event you responded in an attempt to protect and that is what our anger does. It tries to protect us but can cause us to feel like we are bad people, even criminal when we express it. The truth is anger isn't bad when managed properly but most of us were never taught a healthy relationship with it and it's used as a weapon instead of an indication that we feel disrespected or in danger.

Anger is tricky though and can pop up out of no where in a flash if we had poor role models when it comes to anger. My father was always yelling about something so I can get instantly angry and fly off the handle but I always try to take a step back and apologize. I also try to make it a point to question why I got angry so I can heal the root cause of the anger. Regardless of Matts intentions which may very well not have been mean you are getting triggered for a reason. You feel disrespected or threatened so try to ask yourself why to help root out the misguided ideas that are keeping you responding in anger. If we don't root out those confusions we will continue to get triggered moving forward.

That is also the thing to remember about the sitituation with your nan. You can't really harm anyone with your words unless they let you. We really are mostly just triggers for others as they are for us which kind of means no one is to blame. We are all operating from unconscious conditioning we picked up as children and putting it back into the world. So in some ways what transpired is possibly karma for your nan. I don't know your family but from what you have said it sounds pretty dysfunctional so your mother picked up her behavior from somewhere, possibly from your nan and so how your nan treated your mom was coming back at her. You were used as a pawn and prossibly conformed to your mother to stay in her favor but you are also doing best to break old family conditioning. You may appear to be the weak one in the family but you are actually the strong one standing up for love as opposed to throwing hate as a means of control. So be proud of that not ashamed. But try to remember you weren't taught healthy coping skills when it comes to anger. Just try to keep it in perspective and work to clear the air for yourself and anyone else involved when anger happens. Sounds like you are already doing that with Matt so try to let go of guilt and shame. You are human and being human can be a minefield at times. But you really are doing brilliant.