I Want My Real Self Back

[EgoIsSatan]

I lost it around age 22 because of schizophrenia and antipsychotic medication. Possibly a loss of some grey matter in the brain. Before 22 I was more my soul, more emotionally sensitive and passionate. Also, another very important aspect of that time was the ability to get high on cannabis. Instant heaven every time I smoked with low tolerance, which was and is much deserved. I don't want to hear anything against it.

[linen53]

I thank the heavens that I didn't have life altering allergies pop up before I turned 61. Up until then I was a normal individual. After the allergies popped up my whole world turned around. Now every thought has a safety message attached to it. So I do understand the wish for being the way you used to be.

But the sooner you accept and learn to love yourself for who you are right now the better. Can't go back. And bitterness or lack of acceptance is only going to make your journey harder.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by EgoIsSatan

I lost it around age 22 because of schizophrenia and antipsychotic medication. Possibly a loss of some grey matter in the brain. Before 22 I was more my soul, more emotionally sensitive and passionate. Also, another very important aspect of that time was the ability to get high on cannabis. Instant heaven every time I smoked with low tolerance, which was and is much deserved. I don't want to hear anything against it.

The first thing to understand is that your 'real self' never went anywhere to begin with.

It is 'story time' now..

My family gathers around and gossips about others this time of year, while I just sit back, smoking weed, drinking vodka cruisers and listening in...I say nothing...just laughing and nodding a lot (before falling asleep where I sit).

Now, the conversation came around to my niece, with my brother and his wife whining because she just "cannot be told" anything...and my mother piped up "Dianne (me) is ALSO like that...she cannot be told anything EITHER" and I just smiled.

I don't know about anybody else, but we were told and taught to "respect our elders" BUT, if we ever disagreed about anything...if we had our OWN ideas and way of doing things, the mantra was always; "just shut up and BE TOLD!"...unfortunately, some people were born with the "learn through independent, personal experience gene" and it's something we are born with and we do NOT "do our own thing" just to be contrary, or to disrespect others...which is what everybody else thinks, because we are not doing whatever they say...whatever they want us to.

We look at how their personal philosophy has made their own lives a miserable wreck and say "there is no WAY I am going to end up like you by doing what you tell me to do...no WAY".

I mean, I won't dis weed...I smoke it occasionally myself...once every few months for about a week until I "get over it"...but I was a regular user myself not so long ago (about half an ounce a week) and if you want your old self back, learning how to "take it or leave it" is a great start...and that goes for WHATEVER is "controlling you" from an innocent blunt, to a narcissistic parent, to a history of abuse.

I don't know how many times over the past week, I have faced my mother's scornful disapproval with "I don't care what you have to say, because I will do whatever the hell I WANT regardless of what you think...so suck it up!"

In the process, I am getting in touch with my "real self"...because my "real self" is the one that continuously says; "f*** 'em ALL!...Do what thou wilt shall be ALL of the Law" and I thank God I have read Aleister Crowley.

[linen53]

Always enjoy your thoughts and rants Shivani.Ya know, I've never really had a mother who actually loved me. As a matter of fact I have distanced myself from my entire family. It's lonely like this sometimes but the peace is priceless.

[linen53]

Oh Shivani, I just re-read this and it sounds presumptuous. I am not suggesting you distance yourself away from your family. I'm just saying that was my solution. Whew!

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by linen53

Oh Shivani, I just re-read this and it sounds presumptuous. I am not suggesting you distance yourself away from your family. I'm just saying that was my solution. Whew!

I understood this my dear, so it's cool.
However, in the new year, I will be spending less time with them....they are a bad influence on me.

[Sapphirez]

I'm sorry that you are suffering and that you were a victim of mainstream psychiatric medication and diagnosis. I do want to say thank goodness you survived. and that you wound up here on this forum able to express such feelings rather than somewhere much worse you know? I was diagnosed with the most common triplicity probably, depression, anxiety, and ocd when I was 14 and I started medication then too which I struggled to get off of permanently and kept getting pulled back til I was 24. so our situations are not the same but I understand and have an idea of how unfair and upsetting what you're dealing with is. I spent a lot of time learning how to heal though because of this suffering, so I am grateful it brought me to that journey and maybe some of the things I've found can help you too.


I think I am just going to list some of my favorite healing techniques and concepts and if you are interested in any of them and want me to elaborate I'll be glad to, or I can also show you places online to find more information if you'd like.


EFT Emotional Freedom Technique~ there's a section on this forum but more info elsewhere
Donna Eden Energy Medicine~ hearing a youtube interview of hers was life-changing
David Snyder~ he has some pretty intriguing techniques too
5 Tibetan Rites
Dr Robert Morse
raw food healing
crystals
writing in notebooks
poetry
spending time in nature
'talking' to trees
essential oils
herbs, so many to choose from, see if certain ones jump out at you if you take a look
reading all kinds of books though my favorite ones to read are about random natural healing things, crystals, Astrology, about food and how the body works etc.
art projects like origami (I love making origamobiles, mobiles with origami cranes) and painting and drawing and decorating or designing stuff, and making jewelry.

well, those are a lot of the things that helped me find myself more and make life worth living to me.


though I've put too many of my beloved hobbies on hold due to feeling like I don't have the energy to invest. I do pick up new things along the way to do in their place, but always hope to get back to a lot of the ones I used to do, like making jewelry. only now I want to make jewelry with more real crystal beads, so I guess my taste, intentions and desires evolve and it's ok if I or anyone stops doing something for a while especially if they end up doing it a different even better way when they reconvene it. I mean I am not totally healed now though it's been about a decade since I was last on those pills. I definitely didn't know how devastating the detox and all that from them was when I finally got off them, though I had an idea. but I also used alcohol so anyways I've made a lot of changes through these years, and am so close to knowing and doing the best things that'll finally help keep me from being sucked back into despair. Learning about how healing the Earth and we are has been one of the most motivating and inspiring things for me.

Now I have a daughter who just turned one and she is better than a dream lol. I know I've got to take the final steps for myself and for her benefit too. So as to not be so vague, what I'm referring to is basically I just need to take my diet more seriously and eat a lot more fresh raw foods and fruits and possibly go on a 'raw fast' for a while to help my body heal a lot quicker. and I need to be more dedicated and diligent about doing the energy medicines and exercises and other positive activities on a regular basis, which I've only done sporadically in my past. I know that if I feed myself better I will feel more capable and interested in doing other healthy activities for myself and those around me. but things like EFT can help so much in giving us a paradigm shift and freeing us from negative moods, thoughts, and patterns.

There really is a lot that can help but obviously it is ultimately a matter of getting ourselves to do it.. so any little or big things you end up doing for yourself will have a worthwhile impact. it might sound cliche but you really should be gentle and patient with yourself. stuff like embracing your inner child can be helpful and life-changing too. Just know you're going to be okay. You really are. and you are okay right now but everything from here on can get better and better. You've made it this far and the past is past so you just have the present and future to make your presents more worth living with the choices you make. give yourself credit for any positive changes or decisions you make. I mean we really do just have the moment of now. everything else fades away and ceases to be, and you can decide that every new moment is a fresh beginning because it essentially is. so just give yourself a break and be glad you have the wonderful consciousness you do now cuz that will get you everywhere and everything you need. *hugs*

[Svetlana9]

good teme....

[Bornonthecusp]

It could be that things have been left unsaid or maybe there's something you want to hear, the gist probably being that your friend is sorry? Should they be sorry in waking life or are you feeling sorry to them for anything? Sometimes people in our dreams represent aspects of ourselves. I do think these types of dreams are important, especially if voices or messages appear, the way i see it, something is communicating with you, be it yourself or some other guidance...