Dealing with Father's Death

I have recently lost my father to suicide this past year. I've gone back and forth between recognizing what was the inevitable outcome, being angry, sobbing with confusion, and feeling numb. Has anybody else dealt with this? How did you handle it? What steps did you take to maybe not "Move on" but perhaps work on healing?

BTW: I've never blamed myself for his passing. It was a struggle he had been dealing with far before I was born. And though I wish I could have somehow helped him out, I recognize that it was always something he'd have to face, himself, regardless of how often I was there for him. It was HIS battle, not mine.

But that doesn't stop this all from hurting. I had never actually been able to meet him in person. It was always phone messages and txts. He lived so far away. I can't help but be upset he never visited me. Be upset I never got to meet the new sober him. Or hug him... And though I can't do anything to change that, it's still very depressing... I'm like bipolar about it all. Half of me is all hippie-dippy "Being upset isn't going to change anything, so just let be" and the other is like "**** that ****, I want my daddy back!! I want to get at least one damn hug from that ****er, I deserve that much!!"

It feels like emotional whiplash from acceptance to fury and sobbing...

An odd dream I had though. I dreamt about my grandfather. He said he had been protecting me from my father. I had said I thought it strange I never see my father in my dreams, but my grandfather said he WAS there. He told me my father was lurking in the shadows, unseen, stalking me and watching me. That he was guarding me, making sure my father didn't lash out somehow at me. I told him it all sounded very concerning. I woke up wondering if my Father had properly passed over, or not...

Let me know what you think about it.

[kris]

I think each person has to live and deal with his own karma. You cannot take on anyone else's karma. Death of someone near to us causes us grief but also leaves us with lot of lessons if we are ready to learn. My condolences on your loss.

I do want to say I am so sorry for your loss.

To help you see the movie, What dreams may come, this will help you understand suicides.

Your process of grief is something we all experience & it's not an easy process, just allow yourself to go through it & all its ups and downs.

Your Grandfather knows best, trust his judgment.

Many Blessings come your way.

[Native spirit]

Firstly im sorry for your loss.as for your dream it was all mixed up because of how you are feeling your dad had his own demons to fight,this he had to do alone but that didnt mean he didnt love you, your dad will now go into Healing and come to terms with what has happened ,he will be helped in doing this.
you feel anger frustration etc at the moment.one is for the loss the other for not being able to see him, these are normal reactions.so dont be so hard on yourself.

Namaste

[Bsoul]

Cry when you need to. Accept it at the times when you feel like you can. It sounds like you are pretty level headed about the circumstances of his passing. Heartache is the legacy the suicide leaves for us. I agree with Native spirit. He is gone to somewhere he can be healed. My father died of a sudden illness. I lost a love to suicide. You are experiencing the different faces of grief. Hang in there and hold on to the people you love. Tell them you love them and treat them gently. If you pray, tell all that you are feeling in your prayer and offer it to be healed. You will be stronger because of this. You will see.

Sorry for your pain. It takes many years to recover from a loss of a parent, sibling, or loved one. This year was the worst. It will get better each year. Suicide is no sin and thus your father will be reborn again. Hopefully his next life will be better. In the distant future upon a higher earth you may very well meet him again. You will remember each other and then you can embrace and feel comfort together.

Thanks. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I know it will take some time before I'm not freaking out about it all the time. I keep finding little things, like a letter from him, or something. It's been difficult.

[knightofalbion]

So sorry to hear about your father, dear Theressa. My heart goes out to you ...

Send him thoughts of love. He will receive them and it will help him, and you too.