walk away from painful issues with mother?

Originally Posted by SerpentQueen

... the mother/daughter relationship is different than mother/son. ... there is a bit of a different dynamic going on here. ... around adolescence, boys become independent and are never home and that's "normal" development, whereas girls do exact opposite and they battle and are in your face all the time, which is "normal" development for that stage...it is easier for your brothers to disengage, than it is for you.
...
... it is okay to walk away, but I'm of the mind that it is better to not walk away, but learn how to not just manage the relationship, but come to peace with it, and even enjoy it. ...

There is, of course, different dynamics in a son & daughter’s relationship to their parents, particularly the parents of the same gender, but this doesn’t mean in any way that a son or daughter should put up w/ an emotionally abusive parent of either gender. Some females are reliant on their parents just as some males are while other children of both genders are quite independent.

Coming to peace w/ an abusive relative, even a parent, is more about accepting that their journey is their own & separating their drama from our life. Allowing them to engage in abusive or unpleasant behavior is another issue. It is one thing if one chooses to put up w/ inappropriate behavior out of the eyesight of children, but appreciating fully what lessons putting up w/ abusive behavior is teaching children is very important. Many a person who found themselves in an abusive relationship later in life learned that this was to be tolerated by assuming incorrectly that their dysfunctional family was normal & putting up w/ abusers was expected.

Daughters (or sons) don’t OWE their mother (or father) putting up w/ their abusive behavior just because they birthed them.

Of course, one should strive to repair relationships when this is possible, but sometimes it isn’t. Repairing relationships takes TWO parties to voluntarily participate. One person being a passive emotional doormat putting up w/ abusive behavior from the other one is NOT repairing a relationship.

I’m really hard pressed how one is supposed to ‘enjoy’ a relationship w/ someone who is emotionally abusive.

Hi Geminilite I had a similar time with my mother. We were two very different people & I kept trying to understand her motivations from my own perspective & never could.
For decades I tried to maintain a relationship because, being my mother I felt compelled to do. If it had been anyone else I would have severed the cord years ago.
Eventually I realized that the emotional programming & ** ran too deep for me to overcome & she didn't seem willing anyway. I finally stopped communicating to her. I realized that our journey together went a certain distance & when it altered it was time for us to part.

She died last year & I hadn't spoken to her for a couple of years prior. You know what, that didn't change a thing, I grieved sure but the decision I made was the best thing for both of us as it gave us both the space to live our lives without judgement from the other.

I am not saying that this is right for you. Only you can do that. Whatever you do the chances are, that short term it may not " feel right "& cause you pain but that is when you search yourself for the wisdom that is there.

Lots of love

Originally Posted by Topology

SQ, by all means, I am by no means the keeper of truth. :)

What you said was excellent advice. Spot On.

It isn't invalidated or lessened by your being male. The same would hold true for a female giving advice to a male about interaction w/ their father. We have the ability to appreciate the other gender's position & dynamics.

Good for you for having the innate wisdom to move past her drama. This is sooooo hard for many who feel that family obligation over rides their being given reasonable respect.

Many emotional abusers prey on family w/ no restrictions because they KNOW the family member feels OBLITATED to maintain contact no matter how crummy they are treated.

Originally Posted by mattie

There is, of course, different dynamics in a son & daughter’s relationship to their parents, particularly the parents of the same gender, but this doesn’t mean in any way that a son or daughter should put up w/ an emotionally abusive parent of either gender. Some females are reliant on their parents just as some males are while other children of both genders are quite independent.

Coming to peace w/ an abusive relative, even a parent, is more about accepting that their journey is their own & separating their drama from our life. Allowing them to engage in abusive or unpleasant behavior is another issue. It is one thing if one chooses to put up w/ inappropriate behavior out of the eyesight of children, but appreciating fully what lessons putting up w/ abusive behavior is teaching children is very important. Many a person who found themselves in an abusive relationship later in life learned that this was to be tolerated by assuming incorrectly that their dysfunctional family was normal & putting up w/ abusers was expected.

Daughters (or sons) don’t OWE their mother (or father) putting up w/ their abusive behavior just because they birthed them.

Of course, one should strive to repair relationships when this is possible, but sometimes it isn’t. Repairing relationships takes TWO parties to voluntarily participate. One person being a passive emotional doormat putting up w/ abusive behavior from the other one is NOT repairing a relationship.

Mattie, I did not suggest she be a doormat and put up with the abuse. I did suggest that there may be a happy medium -- a place between a complete severing of ties, and being a doormat.

Originally Posted by mattie

I’m really hard pressed how one is supposed to ‘enjoy’ a relationship w/ someone who is emotionally abusive.

Well, I don't know gemini's mother. I suppose that is the very first question she needs to ask herself: "if the abuse stopped, but my mother didn't change her basic personality, would there be elements of our relationship that I could enjoy?"

I tend to believe people are not 100% horrible and nasty. Even if there was only 1% of their relationship that gemini finds enjoyable, then the goal may be to find a way to experience that 1% with her, 100% of their time together.

hi everyone :)

sorry for a late reply, i have been away doign an intensive course and it hasnt much left time for much else, there are so really fabulous replies and i had just spent an half hour quoting and replying to everyones thoughts .. and then accidently deleted the entire lot as i closed the page by mistake :(

so please forgive me but i will have to reply more in depth tmw as its nearly half 1 and i have to be up a 6 for another long day learning...

but i just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time to reply, its really made me feel positive in so many ways and also made me think about things, i shall reply again tmw when i have more time , you all have great points you raise and i'd like to reply to each of you more clearly.

many blessings to you all
x x x

Originally Posted by geminilite

... accidently deleted the entire lot as i closed the page by mistake :(...

Been there done that! More than a few times.

[ellespirit]

Hi Geminlite,

Your mother and mine must have been in class together in life at some point.

I have exactly the same situation. What you are feeling is emotional abandonment by a mother who is probably mentally ill in some way, i'm not a psychiatrist, I woudln't dare attempt to diagnose. The emotional abuse you have sufferred from her has forced you to take the parent role and her the child, thus you have mothered your self because she is incapable of being maternal.

It hurts, it kills you inside. I used to think "If I just love her enough.. if I just be a good daughter... if I just support her more... if if if .. " then she will be cured and be just like everyone else's mums. She will never be like a proper mum ie maternal.

I am a mum now too. I have two sons. I have gone through the process of anger, resentment grieving, didn't speak to her for a year and now I have come full circle and have forgiven her for her shortcomings. I pray for her. I have set my boundaries. I have cut my etheral cords to her. I allow her in my life only on very limited terms, and when she oversteps the mark, I will hang up the phone on her (which is easier as she's back in Greece) or retreat so she can consider her behaviour. Just like a little toddler going to the naughty corner.

It is hard, it took me years of searching and reading and processing to get to this point. My older two siblings haven't spoken to her in 6 years.

But as I am a mother myself, and I didn't want bad karma, I also accepted that in 20 years time, whilst I don't believe I would ever emotionally abuse my children the way she has manipulated and betrayed me, I still can't forsee the future and what relationship I will have with my kids 20 years down the track. I am not a perfect mother. Forgiveness is the point we all want to get too.

She came for a holiday from Greece a year ago and I let her stay with me for 6 months. It was very difficult. Constantly keeping the boundaries in place, but you know what? When you confront them, they do back down. I am no longer her victim and she is an old Greek lady that lives in Greece on her own when she has 4 children and 4 grandchildren in Australia that have very little to do with her. It's her own doing.

What I felt was my biggest responsibility whilst she was staying with me, was that she didn't put any of that emotional melodramatic **** on my kids. They are sensitive and having not been exposed to her, would have been traumatised by her behaviour.

Sorry if this is getting long winded. I will give you an example. She called us one afternoon whilst we were visitng friends crying into the phone "You must come home now, i'm dying, i'm having a heart attack" she was hysterical. I calmly collected my children and said "we need to go home, grandma thinks she's dying". My 9 year old son said "Oh mum, aren't you worried, aren't you upset"? I said "No darling, your grandma has been dying since I was your age, and it's been 30 years since then and she's still alive". So we gave her melodrama a term. We called it "hollywood" syndrome, she's an actress just like in Hollywood.

Try some affirmations to cut the etheral cords that bind you to her, but you also need to process your grief about the emotional abandoment you feel. Most emotional abandoment books deal with mothers who have died or who are on drugs/narcotics/alcholics, none deal with mothers who are just plain mentally inbalanced through no substance abuse.

Good luck, feel free to message me any time.

Love and light
Elle

Hi everyone :)

managed to get soem time back on here again aftyer a long week, i've been trying to copy and paste btu my computer doesnt seem to want to do it , so i'll keep it brief and apologies to anyone i miss...had a slight event this weekend also... my mum was in contact, so i talked to her and told her in quite open terms exactly why i am not happy and why she is losing not just me but everyone, she was tearful ( which beign an empath kills me every time ) and said all the usual sorry's, i have decided to keep contact for a while foro her to show me she is willing to change, but i have told her if she continues to treat me this way then i will walk away and this tiem i will do it with a very clear mind and knowing that i have done all i can do for her x

Mattie - good points and what you say resonates alot with me , thank you very much

Serpent queen - thank you for your advice also, though i dont have any expectations anymore , i gave up on those many years ago, and i have treid for 3 years to keep some kind of a happy relationship in the middle somewhere with her but to no avail , hence why its got to this stage :(

not human - yes i think when it gets to that, to this even you have to walk away, sometimes its just gone the distance and this is how it feels now, theres only so much one person can do on their own, the other person has to show willing also , and if they dont then i'm not prepared to sacrifice mine own family for a detrimental relationship. I'm just hoping she realises this and sticks to what she says, whether the last 2 mths without us all have made her think it through enough, well i'll find out soon enough.

ellespirit - thank you also, and yes i agree with you, right now i have let her back in but i am firm with her, and yes i will continue to cut cords , i had to chuckle at your comment about the books, your right none simply deal with awkward mothers :S one thing i notice is just how common it is that we all have or know someone who has a mother like this, makes me wonder what happened in the generation before to cause all this women to act this way ??
and thank you for the invite to message you , i might just take you on that offer one day <3

sorry if i havent gone into detail today.. but i really appreciate everyones thoughts on this , and wish me luck <3

Blessings to you all xx