True self?

[TonySG]

Hi
I have been on my journey for quite a number of years but this year, in particular, I have been experiencing some major breakthroughs.

All of my life I have struggled with terrible anxiety and just put up with it. This year it has reduced a lot. I also suffer from low self-esteem and have spent most of my life alone. I just didn't feel I was very good at relationships.

Recently I have been having some breakthroughs during deep meditations. Last week I discovered and come close to my feelings of unworthiness for the first time in my life. I knew I had low self-worth because of how my life looked but I had never really felt it so deeply in this way, from here I had the realization that all of my fears (anxiety) were a manifestation of my lack of self-worth. It just clicked and made absolute sense.

Now yesterday, it went even deeper. I sensed a deep dark void in me. It is complete emptiness. Which has been with me my whole life, I also felt that this void contains alot of depression and sadness. Although I have never really suffered depression, I feel I have likely suppressed it. I was brought up with the mindset of 'grin and bare it'. But it is still there. Lurking in this emptiness.

My whole life, I have felt different. Like I didn't belong. Like others were different to me but it is all starting to make sense now. I always felt I was lacking in some way but was never able to realize what it was.

My question is what happens to this void? Does it need to be filled with love? Does it need to be integrated and accepted?

I am afraid to go down into it, as I feel I will fall into a deep dark depression. I have never been able to make myself vulnerable and have always kept myself guarded. I think the time is coming for me to drop this guard. I practice self-love and gratitude exercises every day. I believe I have developed the courage and the strength to do this now. I sense there is a part of me that wants to come back. A part of me I have never known. This is the first time I have even acknowledged this aspect of me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks :)

[Little Creek77]

Your path of introspection has led you to illumination. The void is depression, and you are in the process of healing from it.

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by TonySG

Hi
I have been on my journey for quite a number of years but this year, in particular, I have been experiencing some major breakthroughs.

All of my life I have struggled with terrible anxiety and just put up with it. This year it has reduced a lot. I also suffer from low self-esteem and have spent most of my life alone. I just didn't feel I was very good at relationships.

Recently I have been having some breakthroughs during deep meditations. Last week I discovered and come close to my feelings of unworthiness for the first time in my life. I knew I had low self-worth because of how my life looked but I had never really felt it so deeply in this way, from here I had the realization that all of my fears (anxiety) were a manifestation of my lack of self-worth. It just clicked and made absolute sense.

Now yesterday, it went even deeper. I sensed a deep dark void in me. It is complete emptiness. Which has been with me my whole life, I also felt that this void contains alot of depression and sadness. Although I have never really suffered depression, I feel I have likely suppressed it. I was brought up with the mindset of 'grin and bare it'. But it is still there. Lurking in this emptiness.

My whole life, I have felt different. Like I didn't belong. Like others were different to me but it is all starting to make sense now. I always felt I was lacking in some way but was never able to realize what it was.

My question is what happens to this void? Does it need to be filled with love? Does it need to be integrated and accepted?

I am afraid to go down into it, as I feel I will fall into a deep dark depression. I have never been able to make myself vulnerable and have always kept myself guarded. I think the time is coming for me to drop this guard. I practice self-love and gratitude exercises every day. I believe I have developed the courage and the strength to do this now. I sense there is a part of me that wants to come back. A part of me I have never known. This is the first time I have even acknowledged this aspect of me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks :)

Your process is already opening the void through what your articulating and expressing. Sometimes I have noticed in my own process, the 'no need' to enter into it, until the integration of myself through release, comes to be. Then you can drop deeper without the baggage in the way, step by step. As you open feelings contained and let go, fill yourself up with positive self love, your slowly giving yourself permission to enter into that emptiness, where you no longer feel depressed with over hanging feelings and lack, but more open to know your complete and everything you are lays in your true essence within you. The depression cannot survive if you are creating a new way of entering yourself where your feeling more empowered.

The fear of not knowing, is not knowing who you truly are. When you know who you are complete in that self loving state, everything you are not, can fall away, even the depression.

Trust in your own process and continue to allow yourself to let go in your own time and way. Your mind/body is so unique in the set up of your old conditioned self, it is also very unique in the how it undoes and reconnects itself. Continue to let go and build the state of love, self worth and everything will fall away that no longer fits the new you emerging...

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Remembering who you truly are in that emptiness, is your own completeness waiting for you to remember and create a life from. Everything you as your own source can be..

Each step you take through the whole integration, is important, especially the closer you get to the core of yourself. In the void of emptiness where you fear you may fall into depression is the old self speaking old fears, which is the natural progression at the surface level to clear out and let go, to know you do it, in your own way and time. The deeper you go within, the clearer things become to balance and then be ready to enter the next level. There is no rush, just trust your own process, listen to your needs and find what supports you as you do it.

[Shantyaikya]

I am going through something similar to you. I've found that the depression comes from my own egocentrism. I am always pulling love in wherever I can get it and never letting it out. It becomes so heavy it hurts. Love needs to move. I would recommend to start letting the love out. Radiate it and let it go where it needs to go. I've found much relief from doing so.

[lomax]

Originally Posted by TonySG

Hi
I have been on my journey for quite a number of years but this year, in particular, I have been experiencing some major breakthroughs.

All of my life I have struggled with terrible anxiety and just put up with it. This year it has reduced a lot. I also suffer from low self-esteem and have spent most of my life alone. I just didn't feel I was very good at relationships.

Recently I have been having some breakthroughs during deep meditations. Last week I discovered and come close to my feelings of unworthiness for the first time in my life. I knew I had low self-worth because of how my life looked but I had never really felt it so deeply in this way, from here I had the realization that all of my fears (anxiety) were a manifestation of my lack of self-worth. It just clicked and made absolute sense.

Now yesterday, it went even deeper. I sensed a deep dark void in me. It is complete emptiness. Which has been with me my whole life, I also felt that this void contains alot of depression and sadness. Although I have never really suffered depression, I feel I have likely suppressed it. I was brought up with the mindset of 'grin and bare it'. But it is still there. Lurking in this emptiness.

My whole life, I have felt different. Like I didn't belong. Like others were different to me but it is all starting to make sense now. I always felt I was lacking in some way but was never able to realize what it was.

My question is what happens to this void? Does it need to be filled with love? Does it need to be integrated and accepted?

I am afraid to go down into it, as I feel I will fall into a deep dark depression. I have never been able to make myself vulnerable and have always kept myself guarded. I think the time is coming for me to drop this guard. I practice self-love and gratitude exercises every day. I believe I have developed the courage and the strength to do this now. I sense there is a part of me that wants to come back. A part of me I have never known. This is the first time I have even acknowledged this aspect of me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks :)

Others are struggling to reach the void,for many reasons.
Maybe you should start work from there

https://www.scribd.com/doc/112978010/the-void-explained

[TonySG]

Hey thanks for all the love, support and comments. Very helpful :)

[Sapphirez]

hello sweetie. I can relate to your post and experience and you articulated it well. I'm gonna say some things that might not seem reasonable, but hopefully they do because I think it is likely important truth. well first, in a spiritual, or even practical sense, when I was younger I struggled with depression a lot more (and anxiety and ocd as per dr diagnosis) and I started taking this bach flower remedy called Mustard. I was taking it for a while when one day I reread the bottle which said something like "for depression that seems to come for no reason" and then it dawned on me. There is a reason. then I thought, isn't that what depression is? that void because we are not doing the things we know we should be doing deep down. If a depressed person asks themselves what is the matter and answers honestly, they can come up with at least a few answers.

but it goes deeper than that, because most of us are not aware of all the answers, at least not on a near conscious level. but one of the main answers is perhaps the most obvious of all. and that is, something I didn't realize or have access to knowledge of at the time, but it is the simple fact of what are we eating and feeding ourselves physically, putting aside mentally, spiritually, emotionally and otherwise for now. This is what I've been working on most recently, realizing that my physical body has been struggling and suffering all these years since childhood. and it is not a wonder I feel that blackhole of excavation too, because things have basically literally been eating at me lol. an unhealthy body is a plagueground for all sorts of pathogens and microbes and I wasn't planning on mentioning that notion here, but these things are not going to help us feel good or whole. however they can be removed by mindful diet and conscious consumption. essentially they like and feed off of dead or distorted things. so the answer to that is purity and just trying hard to feed off of God's divine creations in as close to their original nature as possible. to quote myself, deviation and deprivation of nature causes disease, disorder, and ultimately death.

So that is a major piece of the puzzle, since we are physical incarnate beings, we must feed our bodies to feed our souls and mind and such beyond. they are all intertwined, and spiritual healing and consciousness can work wonders and be truly magical, but we can't get away with neglecting our physical presence for long. so just choose the most divine voluptuous foods and eat them off the tree or vine or from the ground if you have access, or just as close to that as you can. fruits heal the body the quickest. and foods must be eaten in respectful combinations to digest the best.

I must say I know all that to be true, but still have not done it enough for myself. it is hard. and I don't know what your diet or consumption looks like (products we use have varying degrees of purity too which should be considered) but I think if your body were healthy you would not feel that painful void and nauseating darkness. We still have things to incorporate and learn as far as our mental and emotional habits go, but interestingly it's said that when you detoxify your body, in the process often there are negative emotions and memories and stuff that come up and get purged out.


Ok besides that let me see if I can get away from the topic of the body as far as this thread of yours is concerned.. a lot of it as you seem to have realized, has to do with knowing that we are okay and deserving. to quote myself again (sorry lol) there are only two potential outcomes of any given situation.. either you will live or die, and chances are most likely you will live, at least 9 times out of 10 so act accordingly. I had a period where I was matching words with beautiful pictures and art of others on facebook, and writing in notebooks, so I came up with a lot of quotes and thoughts in that time lol.. that quote about life and death I paired with a picture of a gal with her body upside down and the top half stuck in the ground. another one that might've been more fitting for that art was about how immersing in nature delays our delivery to it. and another had a gravestone in a dreary graveyard and it bright yellow letters I typed Don't Worry Be Happy lol. ok maybe I'm a bit full of myself

anywayss in all seriousness I spent so many years searching for answers because I suffered, and at the end of the road which I'm still extending, I saw through contemplation, meditation, researching scientific studies, reading and listening to many people who often turned out to not know everything, that almost everything natural heals and almost everything essentially unnatural or too far deviated from that harms. I mean there are scientific studies about how all sorts of seemingly mundane things heal. this is a long post already as per is my style so I will end there but if you want to know any examples or see some of the interesting and compelling studies I've found I will be glad to share. since I opened the bag though I'll just say stuff like tapping on the body, holding yoga poses, rolling eyes, sitting on the ground, and looking at colors all have valid research proving they are healing to the human body, brain, and being. and of course almost any natural food, though you also have to consider which foods have the least undesired side effects upon consumption cuz some might have proven anti-cancer etc effects but still are a burden on the body in the longrun.

lastly I'e heard that fear/anxiety is related to the kidneys and adrenal glands, which are shot in most people.. astringent fruits are the best and most healing foods to address this, but there are lots of herbs and interesting natural remedies out there that can help. though the whole body is important and a symbiotic phenomenon of course


Since it's been a few days since your last post, please share any further insight or experiences you've had recently if you want. or whatever thoughts you feel like writing about if any
sorry for my long post, hope there is at least something that makes sense for you.. I just know that I can feel that similar void that you mentioned and anxiety has plagued me forever.. on a non-physical level I think for me a lot of it has to do with being afraid to talk to people because I have been unheard, and sometimes, like with the messages I shared above, I have tried so hard to have the truth known, or help family or friends stop their suffering, and people get so mad at me usually.. so no wonder I am afraid to talk lol since most won't listen and will even hate you for trying to help. I didn't find the deepest answers til recently, but I guess all my life I have been trying to stand up for unpopular truths and consideration of others or myself on levels that people just can't be comfortable with given the unconscious state of the world and most of humanity at this point. but I know that deep down all humans are healing loving creatures/souls and the only thing that can destroy that is nothing, it can only cover it up or distort it.. and a lot of it has to do with them or us consuming distorted nature or not getting enough. which also includes our inherent loving spiritual nature. but physical life can clear the way for spirit and sound mind

[Emm]

Originally Posted by TonySG

Hi
I have been on my journey for quite a number of years but this year, in particular, I have been experiencing some major breakthroughs.

All of my life I have struggled with terrible anxiety and just put up with it. This year it has reduced a lot. I also suffer from low self-esteem and have spent most of my life alone. I just didn't feel I was very good at relationships.

Recently I have been having some breakthroughs during deep meditations. Last week I discovered and come close to my feelings of unworthiness for the first time in my life. I knew I had low self-worth because of how my life looked but I had never really felt it so deeply in this way, from here I had the realization that all of my fears (anxiety) were a manifestation of my lack of self-worth. It just clicked and made absolute sense.

Now yesterday, it went even deeper. I sensed a deep dark void in me. It is complete emptiness. Which has been with me my whole life, I also felt that this void contains alot of depression and sadness. Although I have never really suffered depression, I feel I have likely suppressed it. I was brought up with the mindset of 'grin and bare it'. But it is still there. Lurking in this emptiness.

My whole life, I have felt different. Like I didn't belong. Like others were different to me but it is all starting to make sense now. I always felt I was lacking in some way but was never able to realize what it was.

My question is what happens to this void? Does it need to be filled with love? Does it need to be integrated and accepted?

I am afraid to go down into it, as I feel I will fall into a deep dark depression. I have never been able to make myself vulnerable and have always kept myself guarded. I think the time is coming for me to drop this guard. I practice self-love and gratitude exercises every day. I believe I have developed the courage and the strength to do this now. I sense there is a part of me that wants to come back. A part of me I have never known. This is the first time I have even acknowledged this aspect of me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks :)

I feel with regards to the black void it will reflect to you your state of mind so if you feel it symbolises depression then you need to look to your daily thoughts and belief systems. Have you noticed that whatever mood you're in, past memories come back that reflect your present feelings? All this is, is you are attracting like energy so memories will match your mood. Its not about buried past pain and hurts, just attraction of like emotional energy. Become aware of where your thoughts are taking you...its easy when you know where to look because daily life is another reflection.

My own impression of the black void now is that its a neutral creative place. I've been aware of it for most of my life too only there is something comforting and electric about it. I've always been fascinated with the atmosphere of an impending thunder storm and recently realised this is what this 'blackness' feels like to me ...a warm cosy closeness full of potential energy. Clothe and invite it with love and it will reflect back to you the same. There's nothing to fear...except fear itself. Tell yourself All Is Well.

[Emm]

Originally Posted by Sapphirez

So that is a major piece of the puzzle, since we are physical incarnate beings, we must feed our bodies to feed our souls and mind and such beyond. they are all intertwined, and spiritual healing and consciousness can work wonders and be truly magical, but we can't get away with neglecting our physical presence for long. so just choose the most divine voluptuous foods and eat them off the tree or vine or from the ground if you have access, or just as close to that as you can. fruits heal the body the quickest. and foods must be eaten in respectful combinations to digest the best.

I must say I know all that to be true, but still have not done it enough for myself. it is hard. and I don't know what your diet or consumption looks like (products we use have varying degrees of purity too which should be considered) but I think if your body were healthy you would not feel that painful void and nauseating darkness. We still have things to incorporate and learn as far as our mental and emotional habits go, but interestingly it's said that when you detoxify your body, in the process often there are negative emotions and memories and stuff that come up and get purged out.

I agree with you that a good diet can go a long way into feeling better about yourself. When we set a conscious intention to find a diet that is most beneficial for your body it seems one just happens to grab your attention and you can do nothing to prevent yourself from adopting that way of eating.

This happened to me several months ago...I had been wondering what the ideal diet would entail, not aloud, just a curiosity really, when my daughter suggested out of the blue to watch a documentary called "The Magic Pill". It made so much sense to me that it was like another part of me had taken over and I promptly emptied my entire pantry and restocked it with 'natural foods'.

Basically, the guide line is eating foods that have minimal Human Interference. Its a Low Carb High Fat diet, so no sugar, no grains and high carb foods like potatoes, pasta and rice, and more of healthy fats which include olive oil, butter, animal fat and avocados. Several months into it I lost weight easily and its so easy to embrace as a lifestyle change. What amazed me while watching the documentary was that the American approved diet was totally flawed with little evidence that it had benefits and huge evidence that it was a leading contributor to ill health all round.

I feel amazing, went through a winter without picking up the usual seasonal diseases and so much energy and a much clearer mind.

[ArrJay]

Originally Posted by TonySG

Hi
I have been on my journey for quite a number of years but this year, in particular, I have been experiencing some major breakthroughs.

All of my life I have struggled with terrible anxiety and just put up with it. This year it has reduced a lot. I also suffer from low self-esteem and have spent most of my life alone. I just didn't feel I was very good at relationships.

Recently I have been having some breakthroughs during deep meditations. Last week I discovered and come close to my feelings of unworthiness for the first time in my life. I knew I had low self-worth because of how my life looked but I had never really felt it so deeply in this way, from here I had the realization that all of my fears (anxiety) were a manifestation of my lack of self-worth. It just clicked and made absolute sense.

Now yesterday, it went even deeper. I sensed a deep dark void in me. It is complete emptiness. Which has been with me my whole life, I also felt that this void contains alot of depression and sadness. Although I have never really suffered depression, I feel I have likely suppressed it. I was brought up with the mindset of 'grin and bare it'. But it is still there. Lurking in this emptiness.

My whole life, I have felt different. Like I didn't belong. Like others were different to me but it is all starting to make sense now. I always felt I was lacking in some way but was never able to realize what it was.

My question is what happens to this void? Does it need to be filled with love? Does it need to be integrated and accepted?

I am afraid to go down into it, as I feel I will fall into a deep dark depression. I have never been able to make myself vulnerable and have always kept myself guarded. I think the time is coming for me to drop this guard. I practice self-love and gratitude exercises every day. I believe I have developed the courage and the strength to do this now. I sense there is a part of me that wants to come back. A part of me I have never known. This is the first time I have even acknowledged this aspect of me.

Any advice would be great. Thanks :)

Hi. I just wonder what your relationship with your mother was like when you were young and what her mental state was then? You probably don't remember because a child blocks out the first five years in the large part.

The reason I ask is because I know my own mother suffered from post-natal depression and when your mother is in such a state during those most important days of your early childhood, she is naturally preoccupied with her own state of mind and trying to deal with it - because of the illness, she can't easily fill you with the goodness required to assist your journey through life and there is a void that's left as you grow until people (ideally the mother) fill your life with positive emotion and love. Post natal depression is an absolute scourge and there are untold millions of people battling with it and affected by it.

How do I know all this? Well it's a long, long story for some other time in these forums. Anyway, as a result I too have the void inside me and it does take courage to face it, with no certainty around how or whether you can or will come out the other side.

If you don't a solid support base and love from other people, it may be it's better to accept the void rather than trying to find a way through it, unless you feel you have the strength you need.

Whatever you choose to do I feel for you and I hope you will be OK, you can continue to grow as a person, your life gets better and better and when you move into the great beyond like all of us must, you move on to even better things.