Conflicted about this entire journey- so contradictory

[hitch]

I met this woman on 8/8, Lionsgate. My spiritual adviser warned me I'd be meeting a pivotal person prior to this, but they wouldn't be my usual type.

The connection was strong and quick. She admitted it, too. But soon, things went spiraling downward.

It was after our first separation that I began to get signs, but they tricked me and played off my naivete and ego (I thought I knew when things would happen). Here I was getting these surreal signs I had never rec'd before. Prior to this, I met a catalyst who I wished was a TF or SM and I never rec'd one sign no matter how much I asked. Not one.

After another separation, my intuition began to itch. Something felt amiss with her and the cards soon verified my fears: She had been lying to me all along, she never stopped talking to her ex and had left me to go back to her.
Not only that, but I had to repeatedly hear (through tarot readings) that she didn't think I was good enough, but just "okay." Her ex was everything she hoped and dreamed of. I was runner-up.

The readings kept coming over the next few months and any time I got close to telling her what I knew, the answer was always NO! and WAIT. Always. So, I did. I believed that the Universe was taking me somewhere and together, we were going on a journey.

More months would pass and I'd learn when she got back together with her ex, when she got with someone new and when she thought of me (but passed, because I wasn't exactly what she wanted). It was hard to hear, but until it told me to- I wasn't revealing what they were telling me (that she had been lying to me all along).

In the meantime, I was going through the hardships of my own life. I finalized a divorce, lost a job, ended all my friendships and most of my familial relationships, suffered endless panic and anxiety attacks, had to take a room with a relative because I couldn't work, and eventually, had to go on food stamps because I couldn't afford to buy food. I'd go a day without eating here and there because I just couldn't bring myself to ask for help.
This has lasted for about two years.

Romantically, I didn't meet anyone new. And even through I tried to make new friends, no one lasted. I went through two years of celibacy, but that wasn't by choice- I'd get close to having sex with someone and then some random event would happen and I'd end up walking away from the situation. I felt like I repelled everyone away. No one stuck besides the three fundamental people who remain in my life to this day.

So, it was hard to hear that she was thriving while I was busy just trying to stay alone and got so low, I wished for death on a few occasions. This was just too damn painful.

This entire situation began 3 years ago. About 1.5 years ago, she came back and wanted another chance. I was very factual about what I knew, but told her. She was shocked! How could I know the things I did? She knew I got tarot readings, but still she asked if I knew someone close to her. I do not.
And that was the end of that. Or so I thought.

I got a reading, hoping to hear about someone new, but it wasn't. It was about her again and I felt stuck and bound. I now prayed and did manifestation sessions for release from this situation. When I would walk away and really cut myself off from her, the signs would pick up.

I'd have dreams of her and wake up at 5:25 (her birthday).
My reader would send me free readings and the email would come at 5:25, she'd mention 525 or the time stamp would be 5:25.
On one occasion, it would be all of the above and her phone would ring at 5:25.
On another, she apologized to me that she still was still picking up on "her" energy. Even to my reader, this made no sense.

And so on it went. The only good thing that came out of it was that I won a $525 jackpot on a machine marked #525 and when the attendant came over, because I was unsure how to add the money to my player's card, her name matched "hers." Kayla. On this occasion, I had nearly forgotten about her.

I thought there was a point to all this. That it was taking me somewhere. I'm not sure what I was hoping for, but then things took a turn for the worst.

A reading came through and it told me she just got engaged and planning on getting married. What?! I did all this to end up here? What was the point. But to be honest, I was happy. Maybe it was the end. Finally. It may have not been the ending I would have wanted, but at least there was closure.
But wait! My reader advises, "I don't think you're done with this quite yet."

Ugh.

A week later, I have a dream that she's cheating on her fiancee with her ex (the woman she lied to me about). Later that day, a friend offers me a reading as she's practicing honing her skills and the same cards that represented her lying and cheating on me, come up again. But who knows, right?

I get a tarot reading, but I ask for a career reading- and it doesn't come back about anything to do with career. It shows her cheating on her fiancee with the woman she lied to me about. ***?! Why do I need to know this, I was asking about my career.
I remember thinking to myself, "Is this real? Are you really telling me she's cheating on her fiancee with this woman?" Right at that moment, my reader pulls the YES! angel answer oracle card from the deck.

And I'm at a loss. Why do I need to know this? I've had readings sent to me that show Kayla's entire perspective and nothing from mine and I haven't asked the cards directly about her since January 2017 when I found out she had been lying to me! I checked! I never once had a sign about the person I was hoping was a TF/SM.

What's the lesson here? When I know this situation is a joke, I leave and then weird **** happens. Is this the contract I'm in, because it feels like I've gone to hell and having a crisis of faith. What am I trusting in?

The signs have alluded to this person being my wish. What? She's cheating NOW on another woman and has been doing it before I even met her (she cheated on the last girlfriend, too). How's this story supposed to turn out? She's going to go through her own hell and when the time is right, we're going to get back together?

I do know we're supposed to meet at a point when I'm not even thinking about her and I'll reject her- but who wants to be this aware of their own story?

This person hasn't changed. They used me and are not good for me. Why do I want to know we'll meet in the future and at some point, it will be my decision (after they've changed) whether to be with them or not... but, this is the person you've always wished for. What?! Really? I don't want to know all these things.

That isn't how the story usually goes... so what in the hell kind of story am I in? I'm just completely frustrated and can't wait for the day I'm not even thinking about this stuff.

[heartsound]

No need for so many tarot card readings. Direct communication with the person is all you need. Talk to her!

[hitch]

Originally Posted by heartsound

No need for so many tarot card readings. Direct communication with the person is all you need. Talk to her!

This has been over a three year time span. And the messages all said something I needed to know.

Some people are addicted to new romance. A decade ago I was among them but various things changed.

So it sounds like you're a victim of (what's become a new jargon in the UK, at least): flashpanning. Once the initial dazzle is over, interest fades, it's done.

Always sorrowing, it's time for you to reclaim your self-confidence and make yourself available, this time skeptical of romantic advances...or at least know them for what they are and set no store in the long term. That doesn't mean it won't be long term. You can never know quite how things will pan out in the early days, but don't count on it.

Forget about twin flame and card readings. Cards, nice as they are, are imprecise and just lead to expectation bias. Just look for a comfortable, easy-going relationship. One where you can be friends as much as anything else.

Wishing you the best.
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