No clue now

[ForeverRestless]

I was on a trip with my boyfriend's family during the holiday. My boyfriend and I have been together two years now and we definitely have our issues, but we are committed to each other.

TF quit all of his social media accounts around the time I sent him my goodbye letter last March. We have not talked since then. And I cannot keep tabs on him in the ways that I used to. So the need to do so hasn't been there as much. It's freeing in a way. What was life like for people before social media existed? Were they able to move on more easily?

So I was really irked during the holiday season when I felt his spirit nagging at me in a way that came out of nowhere. I could not stop thinking about him. But it was an anxious, nervous energy that came from a place that seemed outside of me. I was on a vacation and it was meant to be relaxing. And honestly it was super relaxing. So these emotions felt like they weren't mine. That they were from someone else. Everything faded and felt like it went back to normal by New Year's.

But then after this trip I visited the social media of his girlfriend and learned something strange: Apparently they broke up. During that stretch around Christmastime. I think I felt the breakup. I think I felt him going through it. And I think it was his decision.

I don't know if anyone here remembers my story—so many new people are here now it's crazy—but I met my Twin four years ago. We were only together about two months, but the most intense two months of both our lives. When we broke up, it was cold turkey. We didn't talk for more than a year and a half, and it was the most painful time of my life. I was broken to bits and had to put myself back together. I learned so much about myself. I'm a different person now—albeit much more jaded, if I'm truly honest with myself.

I found out during the second year that we were separated that he was releasing an album on my birthday. When I finally listened to it a couple months later, I confirmed that all the songs were about me. This was extremely obvious. But of course I never talked to him about it and I don't know if he wrote the album during the first week after we stopped talking, just to process what he was feeling in a fleeting moment, or if it reflected a deep experience and healing journey like mine. For me it was true, all-consuming love. Just writing that out brings tears to my eyes right now. It's still the truest thing I've ever felt in my life and the only real love I've ever had, but I do realize it wasn't meant for me.

After I sent TF my goodbye letter nine months ago, two months later, by some strange fluke, my work sent me to the country next to his. He was off all social media including facebook messenger, so I emailed him to let him know. I still don't know if he got it. I still don't know if he hates me or thinks I'm crazy or sent my email directly to spam. I know nothing. I just kept moving along.

Now he and the girlfriend are broken up after nearly four years together. I always feared they would get married and have kids and it would become permanent. Of course they could get back together. To catch everyone up, he ran to hide in that relationship after about two months after we stopped talking. He hadn't healed the deep issues he'd confessed to me in the night. I know he hadn't. He had a lot to work out and I was the only person he'd ever felt comfortable being raw and honest with. We were each other's persons. We were each other's insides. He is me and I am him. That will never change. I'll always love him.

All these people I connected with through the Twin Flame journey... I've lost touch with. it's not because I don't love them, but it's because I am not fixated on getting him back anymore or all the steps and tasks I must complete in order to do so. Plus, everyone is convinced that their method is best for the Twin Flame journey... but everyone is contending with their own egos. I can only trust myself and what my intuition tells me to do. I can't do what anyone else demands of me. And I still feel like my decisions were the right ones, even if they created irreversable outcomes and irreperable damage to my Twin Flame bond.

Certain lifetimes work out this way. They are marked by separation. I realize this and accept this. Knowing that he is single again (yes he could get back together with her), there is a certain fire burning inside me knowing that anything could happen now. Maybe he is mustering an appropriate way to finally reply to my letter (which he said he read and would reply to in time), but maybe not. Maybe I will never hear from him ever again. And I know this is something I have to accept and it's something that a lot of people in this forum accept in time. It's a bit disheartening but it's true. Everyone's journey is their own but I think most of us come to the same conclusions. Twin Flame relationships are marked by pain and rejection and loss, and we aren't meant to be together--at least not most of us, because most of us are not spiritually evolved enough to handle the intensity. But that's OK. Because we are who we are and we must meet each other where we are. When I scroll through the forum now, more than three years after I joined, I see very few familiar names. This tells me what I need to know. We accept our fates and move on as best we can. But I myself remain haunted by the memory of what once was... what could be. I believe in my heart of hearts that my Twin Flame feels the same about me, but that doesn't mean that being together would be the right decision. I think both of us know that deep down.

I will always miss him. But my life is no longer about him.

I can be happy for his happiness. I can find joy that maybe now that he is single he can finally conquer his demons and not hide from himself. After finding out about the breakup, I scoured Instagram for any sign I could find of him and learned that his old band is recording a new album, which means he's doing something else good for himself. I am trying to believe he's growing, finally. Becoming the soul he was meant to be. Living his best life. Like I have been trying to do for myself.

I took a job that ties me to my country and I could see myself in this job until I retire. That's a big commitment step. I'm spending more time with my boyfriend's family. I don't know if we're definitely the right match, but people think of me more as his partner/spouse now, rather than just his girlfriend. And my best friend is marrying a man who is from the same country as my Twin Flame, and this spring we will travel there for the wedding. My beau is coming with me, and would you believe I am not in a state of panic about this? Knowing I will be in the same city as my Twin Flame... for the first time since I left him in early 2015.

Do you think I'll be able to handle it without contacting him? Is this fate at work? All I know is when I look at the trip in my mind's eye, it's uneventful. I go to the parties and the wedding, my boyfriend and I travel around the country, then we fly home. Not much to speak of.

At least I will know, when I land on Twin's soil again, when I go out to restaurants near his home and dress up for photos at parties in houses that he could pass every day on the street... at least I know he heard everything straight from me. Why I left. Why I gave up. How much I loved. What a treasure he was to me. Why things are as they are now. Why it didn't work out. Why I won't be calling him. At least he knows what happened, and he won't blame me. Can't say I never cared, can't call me heartless. He is my whole heart. He always will be. I'm connected to him and I love him forever, even if nothing worked out in this lifetime. I am trying to make the most of what's left. This is life on earth. But heaven waits for us.

[starstar]

Have you thought about "accidentally" running into him? Talking in person after so much time have passed might give you new perspective, maybe even some sort of closure. Sometimes physical interaction with the object of your love, especially after considerable amount of time has passed, might seem underwhelming. Just a suggestion, if you are feeling adventurous.

[selene]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

Do you think I'll be able to handle it without contacting him? Is this fate at work? All I know is when I look at the trip in my mind's eye, it's uneventful. I go to the parties and the wedding, my boyfriend and I travel around the country, then we fly home. Not much to speak of.

I remember your story FR and I have seen your growth over the years, since your TF.

It sounds like an interesting coincidence this one. I love your take on it. If you want my honest opinion, I think do not need to try to 'handle' not contacting him. Just do it if you feel this need. It could be said that it is already fated having to attend this wedding there... I wouldn't push the fate more to see if a meeting will take place. You already have a sign to contact him. I would still be mindful of the timing -you probably would know when, but somehow, reading this, I felt that it is the timing and not the contact that will make the difference. Just a feeling.

I wish you good luck. Anything can happen, including, like starstar said, getting some closure. And that would be good too... but, from what I remember from your story, if I could give one more piece of advice to you, that would be that you need to clearly share your deepest expectations with yourself... be bold and honest.

[ForeverRestless]

It's so comforting to have people who remember me come to this post to comment.

Starstar, that would be so cool "accidentally" running into him, but his is a city of 1.5 million people; I don't think that's likely unless it's at a tourist spot. I do know which general neighborhood he's been living in, but his girlfriend is looking for new housing right now and I imagine he is as well, so there's no telling where he'll be. And since he's not on social media, he won't know where to look for me, either.

Also please keep in mind that I'll be there with my boyfriend. What is Twin Flame going to do? Crash the wedding and tell me that we are each other's one true love and to stay behind in this foreign city with him and not go home with my boyfriend? Haha... I mean, I have a job. I have a life. And if this is something my Twin really cared about, he would have tried to talk to me about it before.

Well, he did. When we talked in early 2017 he said all this stuff about how long it had been and how he hated being out of touch with me and how it was the most intense relationship of his life, etc etc. But I've already sent him a goodbye letter last March. I went to the country next to his last June and sent him another email that he didn't respond to. He doesn't want to be contacted. Can I really contact him a third time just because I'm in his city? I have this fear that he could think of me as a predator/stalker, though I know that's just my ego. I know the conversations we had throughout 2017. I know he knows who I am and he understands me and he loves talking to me. I know that the connection was still there. This isn't one-sided, but he has made some very harsh (even cruel) and life-altering choices about our relationship. In many ways you can't go back. I know I deserve better than someone who rejects me that way. But I also know that I deserve an ultimate love. We only have one twim flame, so there's no way to replicate it in a new relationship. I have tried.

Thanks for your kind words, too, selene. I will come here a few more times leading up to the May wedding and talk some things out on the forum. Different possibilities. Try to determine what feels most right. It sort of is a whole new ball game now that's he's single. But I am not. And I also have a new job. The timing doesn't seem correct for me to reunite with my TF... but maybe I can convince him to meet me for coffee?

It all feels so risky. I don't want to disrespect my bf. But having what I had with my Twin, whether it's romantic or not does not matter. It can be friendship-based if needed. But you cannot write off a connection and intensity like we had. I cannot be dismissive of what it was, is and always will be. I probably should consider reaching out to him, even if it means putting my dignity on the line again.

I'm not sure... do you think he wants to be left alone?

<3, FR

[starstar]

Well, i didnt mean anybody crushing weddings and so on. But since you seem to have ruminated long enough about this guy, actually meeting him might help you, if not completely get over him, but maybe see him under a different light. A variation of gestalt therapy so to speak. Danm those large cities lol. And nobody will tell you if he wants to be left alone or not. We dont know anything. But the mere fact that you will be in his city- i would have probably said "the hell with it" and contacted him one last time. Just so i wouldnt have regreted not doing it later in life. And if he doesnt respond, then you will know for sure and be able to actually move on to the next chapter of your life. But this time for good.

[ssdm1]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

It's so comforting to have people who remember me come to this post to comment.

Starstar, that would be so cool "accidentally" running into him, but his is a city of 1.5 million people; I don't think that's likely unless it's at a tourist spot. I do know which general neighborhood he's been living in, but his girlfriend is looking for new housing right now and I imagine he is as well, so there's no telling where he'll be. And since he's not on social media, he won't know where to look for me, either.

Also please keep in mind that I'll be there with my boyfriend. What is Twin Flame going to do? Crash the wedding and tell me that we are each other's one true love and to stay behind in this foreign city with him and not go home with my boyfriend? Haha... I mean, I have a job. I have a life. And if this is something my Twin really cared about, he would have tried to talk to me about it before.

Well, he did. When we talked in early 2017 he said all this stuff about how long it had been and how he hated being out of touch with me and how it was the most intense relationship of his life, etc etc. But I've already sent him a goodbye letter last March. I went to the country next to his last June and sent him another email that he didn't respond to. He doesn't want to be contacted. Can I really contact him a third time just because I'm in his city? I have this fear that he could think of me as a predator/stalker, though I know that's just my ego. I know the conversations we had throughout 2017. I know he knows who I am and he understands me and he loves talking to me. I know that the connection was still there. This isn't one-sided, but he has made some very harsh (even cruel) and life-altering choices about our relationship. In many ways you can't go back. I know I deserve better than someone who rejects me that way. But I also know that I deserve an ultimate love. We only have one twim flame, so there's no way to replicate it in a new relationship. I have tried.

Thanks for your kind words, too, selene. I will come here a few more times leading up to the May wedding and talk some things out on the forum. Different possibilities. Try to determine what feels most right. It sort of is a whole new ball game now that's he's single. But I am not. And I also have a new job. The timing doesn't seem correct for me to reunite with my TF... but maybe I can convince him to meet me for coffee?

It all feels so risky. I don't want to disrespect my bf. But having what I had with my Twin, whether it's romantic or not does not matter. It can be friendship-based if needed. But you cannot write off a connection and intensity like we had. I cannot be dismissive of what it was, is and always will be. I probably should consider reaching out to him, even if it means putting my dignity on the line again.

I'm not sure... do you think he wants to be left alone?

<3, FR

Foreverrestless, I too remember you and your story.

If you feel drawn to contact him and let him know you'll be in his city, then maybe that's your answer. Keep it casual, just say something about meeting for coffee or something and see what happens. If he does not respond then at least you gave it a chance. He may be afraid to contact you since it's been so long. Maybe he does not want to mess up a relationship you're in.

I would guess your twin read your email. My twin replies to text right away but when I do email (and those are normally the long, more emotional conversations) he won't email back. He may mention something later in a text.

If he is your twin flame, then you might just might run into him while there. The Universe seems to have it's own plan for us.

Things happened this week with my tf and I told him about twin flames and that I thought we were. He was open and receptive to the information.

I hope this might help some.

[Clover]

I would definitely contact him and let him know you will be in the country. I think popping up or accidentally running into him will freak him out and it appears borderline stalkerish, imho. Honesty is the best policy. Write him and Tell him the truth; that your friend is getting married in his country!Thats is awesome news! No love talk or past relationship stuff, but just like 'hey, Ill be in the country do you want to meet up for a quick cup of coffee". I think if there is the possibility to talk as casual friends, def go for it!




Best wishes in whatever happens.