Haiku for Sean 3/3/87 ~ 2/14/10

[Silver]

Tiss~~~~~

"Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why?

Some are born;

Some men die beneath one infinite sky.

There'll be war, there'll be peace.

But everything one day will cease.

All the iron turned to rust;

All the proud men turned to dust.

And so all things, time will mend.

So this song will end."

Pink floyd

[Silver]

I sit here at the computer and read something funny, I laugh, then cry, (repeat a few times), feel a bit crazy~ and then say to myself, "I would do anything to find him / bring him back" with such earnestness...then I think, everyone who's lost a loved one has said that very thing and felt that earnestness. I somehow still feel very alone, as if I'm the first to have thought it, felt it.

I think of all the philosophies, beliefs, emotions expressed here on this forum and try to put my feelings in amongst it all, like a single card in a deck of cards, how, where, why even, does my feelings about losing my son fit into all this? How does it work?

[Silver]

I tell my son, I'm trying to not cry and feel bad, I AM. I am trying, son. It's so very hard. So far, I'm pretty lousy at it. I have had some successes and good feelings about it all. The cursed holiday season is upon us, can't help but think about your first Halloween, I have a picture of you with a home-made Robin Hood costume, your sweet little innocent face...another picture of you asleep, so innocent. Yeah, plenty of wide-awake not-so-innocent moments, but none of that matters anymore except for how sorry I am, how much I wish you were still here with me.

[Silver]

My son's death makes me feel like a little girl, cry like a a little girl ~ no concern for maintaining dignity, no caring about proper comportment, just a primal rage. Somehow I thought things would get better with time. Right now, I feel like I'm going backwards. I guess that happens sometimes.

[Silver]

All of the things previously posted still hold true. It just varies in intensity like the sun, clouded over some days, full on the next, cold wind blows ~ too hot to handle the next. Now that poor David' not here to shield me, when the thoughts of you being gone visit, they are inTENSE.

Just this moment, I thought back to when my son would get enraged when I would emote (cry) about something ~ I think he was already mourning his life, he couldn't handle whatever thoughts and feelings were going on in side him ~ I feel the same way about being around people most of the time lately, because oftentimes people will ask do you have any children. I ask people that myself. Then I say ups, I did have one, but he's 'gone'. There is something about people's reactions that fuel the intensity of my grief for the ensuing moments anyway. It's very tough to deal with. So, I can now comfort myself knowing that it's a normal reaction over losing my only son. When people ask that, I think most of the time people think it's a safe and happy subject, never really thinking that children die, too.

I've tried to stop saying I'm sorry, but I don't know that I ever will. I love you.

[Silver]

When I think of you
being gone, my eyes still strain
looking for you, son.

[Silver]

[Tiss]

Silvergirl

[Silver]

[Sarian]

Silvergirl, my heart aches for your precious loss. Just want you to know I care deeply and I'm so very sorry. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Beautiful son, beautiful mom.