Does healing occur in union or in separation?

[Delay_Reaction]

Originally Posted by ssdm1

It's somewhere in the middle. We both healed separately for 20 years. Today we heal together and separately at times. When together things come up quicker and more intensely, but I feel get cleared quicker. I can now clear something difficult in just a few days.

I know how you feel about this but are you sure about not initiating contact with her? I really like when mine contacts me first, let's me know he's thinking of me and keeping the connection.

As for actual benefits - I'm still wondering that one, lol.

The entire 30 years we've know each other we have been friends, as well as more than friends, while being in other relationships. As teens we would double date (him choosing my date, of course) - we were "together" but not. Today things are still the same. I invite him and his gf to attend things with me.

Always together but always apart.

This is somewhat like my situation, except I have only known my TF for about 3 years. Our periods of contact are short but intense. I feel that everyday communication with my TF would be quite meaningless if we are only talking about the mundane.. (eg. how's your day going? have a nice day! etc...)

Maybe it's not meaningless to her, but for me doing that every day would seem kind of pointless and would create an expectation.

However, with others who I am not sharing a deep soul connection with, I do wish them a "good morning" almost daily. I don't feel as hurt when they don't reciprocate. But with my TF, if I initiate and she doesn't reciprocate, it would hurt. So I let her reach out to me.

It's more about me not being able to keep myself from acting out which stops me from initiating contact with my TF more often.

[Delay_Reaction]

Originally Posted by Aloneyetnot

I feel that everyone's posts are spot on... it's both. Your (and ssdm1's) comments on initiating versus not initiating contact are interesting. My tf has suddenly shut me out 3 times within a span of 15 years. Once for about 5 years, then three months, and most recently a year. In each situation, I'd reach out and would get no reply, out of nowhere. His main reason for "disappearing" is due to the fact that has such strong feelings for me. I've decided that the best way to protect myself from being hurt like that is to not initiate contact. If I don't initiate, he can't shut me out, thus hurt me. He seems to have picked up on that, and I'm sure he knows why. I know he'd love to have me initiate, but fool me once, fool me twice, and all that stuff. He always keeps coming back, wanting to validate that I still care while letting me know that he does. I've let him know that I'll always love him and be here, no matter what. We're both runners and chasers, but in different ways.

The one thing that never changes is that the healing process never ends.

There was a period when I would snap at my TF whenever she initiated contact with me. I was extremely angry with her, which actually made her initiate more, completely ignoring my pleas for her to stop contacting me.

So whenever she feels that my ego is taking over the conversation, she maintains her composure and will make attempts to break through it.

It's partially due to the thought that she can not stand the idea of me hating her.

But if I don't hear from her in a few weeks or a month, I would feel like I am losing her. In that case, I probably would reach out to her, but only to validate the connection, which really isn't the best reason to initiate contact.

The strong feelings always come back (whether it's love, jealously or anger), no matter how much time has passed.

[ssdm1]

Originally Posted by Delay_Reaction

This is somewhat like my situation, except I have only known my TF for about 3 years. Our periods of contact are short but intense. I feel that everyday communication with my TF would be quite meaningless if we are only talking about the mundane.. (eg. how's your day going? have a nice day! etc...)

Maybe it's not meaningless to her, but for me doing that every day would seem kind of pointless and would create an expectation.

However, with others who I am not sharing a deep soul connection with, I do wish them a "good morning" almost daily. I don't feel as hurt when they don't reciprocate. But with my TF, if I initiate and she doesn't reciprocate, it would hurt. So I let her reach out to me.

It's more about me not being able to keep myself from acting out which stops me from initiating contact with my TF more often.

This is interesting to me and kind of shows me a look from the outside into my situation.

A lot of times I'll ask him something, he'll give me a quick answer, then I'll feel "hurt" that he didn't engage in more of a conversation (and he does work from home so I know he's on the phone and working but he does always answer). So I understand how everyday mundane contact may not be good. On the other hand if time goes by and he does not initiate, then I still feel "hurt" that he didn't engage.

So what you've said shows me my own weakness of feeling abandoned and fear of that. Something I know I have to work on but I still can't seem to clear that.

As to your original question, I also think other tf's going through similar situations can be a big help in our healing.

Several times, including what you've said here, really helps me see things from a different perspective that I can look at. When I start to feel bad after contact with him, instead of chasing (looking for validation from him) I now am looking deeper in me to see why I feel this way and deal with it, and not chase after him for the answer. Perhaps your twin is doing the same.

[QT Pie]

Originally Posted by Delay_Reaction

<<To pre-face this post, anytime I refer to "being with your twin", I mean having some kind of regular contact with your twin and not necessarily in a romantic relationship. >>

I am starting to wonder when does healing actually takes place? When you are with your twin or when you are apart?

I am in a situation where I can establish regular contact with my twin, but I choose not to. If I did, it would feel like I was chasing her, expecting her to return my messages. It doesn't feel like I am learning anything this way.

When she contacts me, it's always pleasant and it genuinely feels like she wants to reach out to me. It's more natural for me because I am not the one initiating contact. But maybe she also just wants to satisfy her ego by keeping me on a leash? If so, then we aren't actually healing any wounds.

I guess my question is, if you truly know who your TF is, does it make more sense to heal yourself on your own or figure this out together with your twin? Or is it somewhere in the middle?

Would healing be expedited with regular TF contact? or Without?

Should you figure it all out on your own before attempting to establish some kind of friendship/relationship with your TF?

I don't see myself being friends with my TF at this time while she is in another relationship. It doesn't seem like an appropriate label either to say that we are just friends or more than friends. It's obviously more than friends but it feels wrong to label it.

I'm just curious if there are others who are wondering the same thing.

Is there any actual benefit to being together with your TF?

This is a brilliant example of how we over analyze these relationships and strategize how to move based on coming out on top and not based on a propensity to act natural with one another. THIS is where the rubber meets the road of surrender. If I had contact with my twin I would not desire a romantic relationship as I feel that is too emotionally risky for me. Something says that is not the goal. Keeping in natural relationship is. Uncovering the affinity. I could see being his good friend. As long as you question "who is who's b***h", as long as that is a concern in your mind, I say stay in separation.

Only you can stop your healing. You are healed constantly. Each moment you are remade, and renewed. Whole, from moment to moment. But like a picker of scabs we undo our own perfection and sooth the ache we created. Only to be made whole again the next moment. Stop denying your health and you will be healed.

[ONEsoul]

Healing NEVER begins when your intent is to make your twin feel rejected due to your own insecurities. That may make you feel in control temporarily, but eventually she will long for "true authentic" un-rejected love. One that does not snap at her for reaching out to you when she NEEDS you, and one that does not feel like she is in a mine field of "mind games"..ever questioning how you truly feel. What you are describing is manipulative ** Plain and simple

[Delay_Reaction]

Originally Posted by ONEsoul

Healing NEVER begins when your intent is to make your twin feel rejected due to your own insecurities. That may make you feel in control temporarily, but eventually she will long for "true authentic" un-rejected love. One that does not snap at her for reaching out to you when she NEEDS you, and one that does not feel like she is in a mine field of "mind games"..ever questioning how you truly feel. What you are describing is manipulative ** Plain and simple

Without going into specifics, I would say that the manipulation goes both ways since what someone needs and what they think they need are completely different.

However, from this point on I will refrain from saying more of my specific situation and just let the question stand on its own.

[AngelRain]

Originally Posted by ssdm1

This is interesting to me and kind of shows me a look from the outside into my situation.

A lot of times I'll ask him something, he'll give me a quick answer, then I'll feel "hurt" that he didn't engage in more of a conversation (and he does work from home so I know he's on the phone and working but he does always answer). So I understand how everyday mundane contact may not be good. On the other hand if time goes by and he does not initiate, then I still feel "hurt" that he didn't engage.

So what you've said shows me my own weakness of feeling abandoned and fear of that. Something I know I have to work on but I still can't seem to clear that.

As to your original question, I also think other tf's going through similar situations can be a big help in our healing.

Several times, including what you've said here, really helps me see things from a different perspective that I can look at. When I start to feel bad after contact with him, instead of chasing (looking for validation from him) I now am looking deeper in me to see why I feel this way and deal with it, and not chase after him for the answer. Perhaps your twin is doing the same.

I had a big talk about this with a friend of mine who's the runner while I'm the chaser. You and your twin are vry similar yet you've both experienced different things throughout your lives. Different betrayals and disappointments that's induced a lot of fear inside of you. I'm the same way in that when my beloved doesnt talk more when we interact it hurts. However, I know he's been through a lot and has learned to shut things out. He's a very no ** kind of guy who wouldn't just talk to me for the sake of stroaking his own ego. He's 14 years older than me, he knows who he is and he isnt ashamed of it. IT's I who's had to really heal and kill my ego in order to allow our union to happen. He's not once said anything mean or insulting, but I have during many of my freak outs. As I healed and let go of past pains and hurts, the small talk doesnt hurt me as much. It does inform me that there's still more I need to work on. There's still some past hurts that I need to heal and release. I know this also because of some health problems that are slowly starting to heal.

As you near the end of your healing you will realize the signs were always there. There is not a single doubt in my mind that he is my tf. But when we first crossed paths I didnt believe it. I didn't believe anything anyone told me. I'd dated mostly bad men and assumed he was just like the others but just had a good way of hiding it. I'm here to tell you that your tf is not like them. Nowhere close. And if your twin is a sociapath/narcissist well im not sure what to tell you lol. But for the ones who aren't, keep going. We've all been there and it takes a **** ton of work. Work on you and allow your world to change for the better. You need to have your own identity and life before your twin can enter it. Find a hobby have a passion and do what you were menat to do in this life. Raise the vibration of the world and those around you.

[Akira]

I have been really thinking about this and I think the bottom line is that it's about holding the space together. Yes, there is healing and growth when you are not together. However, tf or not when we hold ourselves in the space of chaos - so keep seeing the person, the results that we get are quicker. We learn to harmonize with another individual as opposed to becoming locked in our own internal patterning.

The reason I say this is because without the situation that brings up the healing, healing won't happen. Pain is as essential as growth and healing, without one there is no other.

Now if you can do that in union with one another I think that it up-levels the connection. Not to say that working apart does not work, because it does. However, it depends on where you blueprinted your major learning cycles would come from.

Mine are definitely in relationship - it is my most difficult area. So for me not having connection would stall or maybe affect my growth. We are in the end all different. The fact being that what works for me may not work for you.

I think the answer is go with your heart it will be honest with you.

I personally would face it head on, in any connection, it's worth working with the problem head on. I can also say categorically that without the togetherness I would not have cleared half maybe even a quarter of what I have healed within myself.

[AngelRain]

Originally Posted by Akira

I have been really thinking about this and I think the bottom line is that it's about holding the space together. Yes, there is healing and growth when you are not together. However, tf or not when we hold ourselves in the space of chaos - so keep seeing the person, the results that we get are quicker. We learn to harmonize with another individual as opposed to becoming locked in our own internal patterning.

The reason I say this is because without the situation that brings up the healing, healing won't happen. Pain is as essential as growth and healing, without one there is no other.

Now if you can do that in union with one another I think that it up-levels the connection. Not to say that working apart does not work, because it does. However, it depends on where you blueprinted your major learning cycles would come from.

Mine are definitely in relationship - it is my most difficult area. So for me not having connection would stall or maybe affect my growth. We are in the end all different. The fact being that what works for me may not work for you.

I think the answer is go with your heart it will be honest with you.

I personally would face it head on, in any connection, it's worth working with the problem head on. I can also say categorically that without the togetherness I would not have cleared half maybe even a quarter of what I have healed within myself.

I second this. Had we been together I would’ve healed a third of what I healed on my own.

[BlueCat]

I don't think i would be in this place (well rather good atm) if i totally cut contact with TF, because i learnt a lot with all the pain, TFs aren't never really separated, they grow together even if they are separated physically or in the 3D sense. Not cutting contact is also useful to make them remember we are still here, we love them and we are open to a possible "relationship" in the future when all the things are cleared and both twin are free especially from other people's influence.
I suggest to not cut contact, maybe limit yes, also small talk isn't that bad, better this than them talking about their partner all the time lol.