.......... Is there anything between us? ........

I'm sitting here, clenching my teeth, some ill feeling, in my heart center.

I'm thinking to myself, I'm thinking of what feels so wrong, between him and I..

I don't feel like I have a boyfriend.

He is so ... he is so ...

It's difficult to sum this all down. He's the first boyfriend I've had that has been 'serious' (meeting the family/living together/sex in a commited relationship).

He was the first guy I knew I wanted to be with.

Now I feel like it was a big mistake.

It's been May 2012 till this month that we've been together. We've been living together for nearly a year, this November. Planning on getting a new place together soon.

The reason I feel it was a big mistake is because ...

We didn't even get together for a proper reason. I felt attraction to him, like very attracted, but I did not say anything to him or try to approach him. Finally after a while, we were left alone together and gradually he made his way closer to me and we had intercourse. I remember when it was happening that I would not stop looking at him.

I've had numerous one night stands before him.

Basically right after we did it I never left his side. He would go to work and I'd just stay at his place. We had no clue about the other. We did not have a friendship yet. A month later I turned 21. I remember (it had been only a month together) I felt really depressed.

From then on, I kind of always felt really depressed. My life was far from good before we got together. A lot of things had gone on, some bad and some horrible.

We've spent nearly every day together. I thought so many times that when we were going to break up, that I felt I was going to die, sobbing so sadly, thinking I needed him, thinking he completed me. So we always never broke it off.

I've thought so many times when we've been together for social events with his family that I feel so alone. Feeling like he does not represent me as his girlfriend, just a part of the family. I've told him so many times that I'm suppose to be his girlfriend, not his "sister" that I'm not interested in him being my "Brother" but he doesn't understand, Blames it all on me like I'm not even trying to be apart of the events, that I'm always taking off and sulking and not saying anything. Says I am apart of the family so I should be apart of it!

I just hate it so much that when we are together in a social setting and he is quiet. I feel after a certain amount of time that he is just too quiet. I feel like he's just ... omg I can't explain but it gets to me so bad. I'm always wanting to talk around him, but when we are around in a public setting and he just doesn't talk much I get upset internally and shut off and then he trys to pry it out of me what's wrong. He spoils my time/fun/happiness a lot. But then goes and tells me all the time that I do that to him, by sulking.

He says I don't do anything for the relationship and that he does a whole lot for me. But the thing is he doesn't do anything for me as a boyfriend would do for a girlfriend. He helps me out, but he does not treat me like a girlfriend. He doesn't take me out on dates and thinks he doesn't need to since we've spent every day together.

He doesn't want to ever do anything I find exciting or great. He's only interested in going on runs, hiking, long drives, cooking food he likes when I want to be a vegetarian and he doesn't agree with it.

Meanwhile I'd love it if he would go swimming with me, or skiing, or long walks, but he's never interested. He always says "don't expect me to make things fun for you, you should be taking control of that and doing things that you find fun even if it's on your own. I'm too busy, I work all the time and have a lot of stress that you wouldn't understand because you're life is so easy"

Basically I have to get his own mother to do anything like that with me, because his mother is so involve with our relationship somehow. I also hate so freaking much the three times his mother has freaked out on me. The first time because I was late for meeting with her and forgetting to be there with her to ice his cake. She made me feel like a horrible girlfriend for that, when we had only been dating for 4 months and I was with him at the mall at the time! I wanted to be with him, and she flipped at me for not being there to ice the freaking cake with her! saying she had to do it all on her own, and when I saw her later on, she went right up to my face and practically growled with an angry look in my face.

Then again for a reason I can't currently recall, but the last most recent time was after a wedding and apparently she heard I was not joining in on the fun of the event and sulking/frowing while sitting alone at a table when I WASENT and she went on a huge rant about how I was suppose to represent her son and that it was his "big break" because there were two police officers there that would of been paying attention to him and how we are together, but I was so great with those two officers and loved being around them. I just didn't know what to do after we talked to each of them, surrounded by people that were not even family to me, at my first wedding experience, and my boyfriend hardly spoke a word to me, just kept offering to get me a drink when I hate alchohl.

I tell him we never do anything together and he flips. We do things together, but it's only ever been with his family.

It's never just us.

I can't count HOW many times we've gone into a walmart, or looked around stores, for fun. It's never been fun.

He thinks he can't take me anywhere because I'll just be quiet or sulk or not enjoy myself.

I just can't stand it. I'm not a boring person even though he's said that countless times. I'm not a prune. I'm not not fun. I'm not not interested in exciting things. I'm not negative! he thinks so though! HE IS ALL those things and if he isnt then he should find someone he is not like that with!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.


I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, WHEN I DO.


He thinks he's maturing so fast and so above me because he has a full time job, drives, has responsabilities, goes to school, is going to become a police offer. Meanwhile I'm so "below" him because I'm on "welfare" he says, although I am not because I'm actually on disability benefit for major learning difficulties as a child that he does not fully understand and does not believe I should be needing assistance financially due to it, because in his point of view he sees the normal smart me then was never there when I was younger. Or how I don't try to do anything in life, and just sleep all the time.

I'm SO angry deep inside and I just can't let myself be like that because I know if I let myself he will win over all of everything and get angry at me and we will end it and I will feel so defeated by him.

I find it impossible to imagine dropping him and our "life" together and remaking my own without constantly thinking of him and feeling like I need him, or constantly holding such hate to his existance.


The thing that is really getting to me now is that I think I have finally realized how I feel when interacting with him, in private and in public, I feel like I'm just interacting/looking over at someone that is just still in my life. Nothing more.

I never feel good about myself around him. I don't think I ever had. I really did though when we weren't together and hung out with a group of friends. I felt excitment then. I really liked him. But once we got together, that all dissapeared like a shooting gun.

I don't know what to do to help myself because I'm feeling so down on myself. I feel insecure about my outer being, and so conflicted and harmed on the inside.

edited by SF staff

Bella, You've answered your own question. It sounds like you two are incompatible. He's who he is and is'nt likely to change. It's up to you to decide if this is really the relationship you want, which also includes his mother who does'nt show respect for you. If you don't feel good about yourself around him then that's telling you something.If you can afford to move out and have somewhere to go you should seperate.

[Clover]

I hate to break it to you but most of us are incompatible with our partners,the reason why? Because you are an INDIVIDUAL. You are you,and no matter how many things you have in common or dont,at the end of the day you are your own individual.


Ive been married for almost a decade with beautiful child and we arent perfect. We hate each other on most days.Its life. Relationships are a lot of work,and if your already having doubts I promise you,it doesnt get better. In fact,you have to work a lot harder every passing year to make it work.

Im not the same person I was when I was 21, People grow and mature,and sometimes along the way,we fall in love again. If your in your early twenties,I can tell you,you have your whole life ahead of you.If your not happy with your situation,move forward.

Bella, I'm sorry you're suffering so much right now. It sounds as if your life up to now has been difficult. Until we heal from our past (childhood wounds and traumas we experienced up to now), we tend to recreate our past.

I do not agree with the above post -- it's not "life" to have an incompatible partner who doesn't treat you well, see your beauty, help you grow. It's choice.

You can have something very different if you choose, but you need to work for it. You'll need to heal from the pain of your past (find someone to help you with this) and you will attract a partner who mirrors your new state of being.

I do agree with BlueClover that you are an individual first -- find what makes you truly happy and filled with meaning and purpose and do that. Then you will attract someone to share it with. The secret to finding and living in a healthy partnership is loving YOU so much you will only accept loving treatment from others. You can do it, you have a lot of love to give and a lot of life ahead of you. Go for what is really good for you, and don't settle for less.

[Belle]

There are always choices even if it is hard to see. YOu may not feel that you have a lot of power - but you have an enormous amount of power. You know who you are and what you want.