Today is one of the worst days...

Today i was in many state of confusion. Him being nice always but at noon i was affraid of losing control. I was affraid of his love crippling me of control i have over my actions, my life. So i ignored him for few hours and than it hit me, him affraid of letting control of his heart, me too.
But he turned nonchallant. I looked at his conversation with his ex, and i realized he LOVED her, he doesnt love me.

I told my friend i would be in JOY if he just leave me alone, because i cant cut him off. All my friends told me to cut this one off. I have tried, but one look of him i returned to where i was the first i met him. Most of my friends dont get it, they told me its unrequited love. I WISH it was *sigh*

Him and i arent in a relationship, but we talk every day. I mean everyday. I cant get enough of him, i senses he too. But why aren''t we in a relationship cause i would be in such a BLISS if we were. I could contribute to the world, i would be my best self.

I have asked him this he said he 'can't give me that' - what does that even mean? He doesn't like me 'that' way, really, REALLY? Was i in a state of the biggest delusion known to mankind in the past 2 years? He was hit hard i knew it. How did i know? Because i WISHED this was nothing, i wish this is just passing crush, i wish he's just not that into me but everywhere i look, i'm reminded of otherwise.

Then i put a picture of me and my ex..i know these things trigger reaction on him. Now i just feel bad.

Is he just a womanizer? Did he behave the same to all females, and all of these women thought he was their TFs?

Thinking about where he stands with all these just driving me mad. Everything felt, how my life had turned upside down how i'm a different person, is real.

But i don't know. I cried this morning at the office, i have a big responsibility at work but focusing is getting harder and harder to do.

Lord help me, i'm so lost.

V

I'm so sorry you're hurting... I've felt this was, too, yesterday. & today. I don't understand how he can just shut his emotion off & act indifferent at times. He knows I'm in torment & acts like he doesn't care - yet he has been very quick to point out times I've hurt him.

Exactly like you, when we were together, I felt like I was my absolute best self & was radiating love to everyone. Now I feel lost, too...and I have Never let someone affect me like this! It's maddening. You are not alone... **Hugs**

Thank you Shawnee for your reply..

Its been difficult. It's midnight my time, i pm-ed my friend just to say how lost i am. He didnt know what to say

I cried this morning, cried again 5 minutes ago in my bed.

I realized one thing tho, just now. He morphs into different people each time. Unlike people in your life that play a role (friend, best friend, family), he is NOT ONE SINGLE person. He is many people in same body when he was with me or talking to me. I guess i can let that confusion slide over and focus on a million other things to cry

So happy beyond words that i get to share this with someone, i'm not insane afterall.

Blessings,
V

Originally Posted by vanessatrine

Thank you Shawnee for your reply..

Its been difficult. It's midnight my time, i pm-ed my friend just to say how lost i am. He didnt know what to say

I cried this morning, cried again 5 minutes ago in my bed.

I realized one thing tho, just now. He morphs into different people each time. Unlike people in your life that play a role (friend, best friend, family), he is NOT ONE SINGLE person. He is many people in same body when he was with me or talking to me. I guess i can let that confusion slide over and focus on a million other things to cry

So happy beyond words that i get to share this with someone, i'm not insane afterall.

Blessings,
V

Hi, V. Yes, that is one of the wonderful things about this forum - is compassionate respectful people who offer comfort and understanding.

NO you are not insane. If you were insane, you wouldn't think this is insane - know what I mean?

The TF relationship is tumultuous, breath-taking, agonizing, and spectacular ... hold onto your truth, keep loving yourself, and stay open to what the Universe wants to show you - you'll know.