Uh, um... I think someone is interested in me.

[JosephineB]

Originally Posted by little.nation

Not turning out too well but this is me we're talking about, nothing is supposed to go well for me.

No, it's not ego. I'm very much on the soul and eternal level. I have an idenity, not ego. Watch:

You know there's a light bearer, right? Did you know there's a bearer of darkness? I light up a room by leaving it.

Which only increases the dark...

A ray of sunshine more like. I already know you have a heart of gold.

[Anne]

Hello little nation. I am fully acquainted with victimhood and painfully relate to some of your thoughts.
However, I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and we need not lie forever in the dirt. This realization may take years, in my experience.

10 Ways to Stop Feeling Like a Victim Once and for All
Stop blaming others. ...
Be compassionate to yourself. ...
Practice gratitude. ...
Resist self-sabotage. ...
Perform acts of kindness to others. ...
Forgive and let go. ...
Build self-confidence. ...
Find the source of your learned helplessness. (HuffPost)

I know it’s only Huff & Fluff, but a couple good ideas to work on.
Resist self-sabotage! Easier said than done..

In your position I’d be apt to let the guy go, no matter how sad and how much you like him. Allow him to come around again if he is truly interested and minus the abuse.

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by JosephineBloggs

A ray of sunshine more like. I already know you have a heart of gold.

Thank you. I've heard the heart of gold reference elsewhere recently. Now, if only I can find a man who likes gold (but for the right reasons lol).

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by Anne

Hello little nation. I am fully acquainted with victimhood and painfully relate to some of your thoughts.
However, I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and we need not lie forever in the dirt. This realization may take years, in my experience.

10 Ways to Stop Feeling Like a Victim Once and for All
Stop blaming others. ...
Be compassionate to yourself. ...
Practice gratitude. ...
Resist self-sabotage. ...
Perform acts of kindness to others. ...
Forgive and let go. ...
Build self-confidence. ...
Find the source of your learned helplessness. (HuffPost)

I know it’s only Huff & Fluff, but a couple good ideas to work on.
Resist self-sabotage! Easier said than done..

In your position I’d be apt to let the guy go, no matter how sad and how much you like him. Allow him to come around again if he is truly interested and minus the abuse.

Thanks, good list. I can already see the negatives first (hardly surprising). Those would be,

Stop blaming others, forgive and let go.

I struggle in that area so hard because my greatest values are confession (when someone has done harm, my value is that the burden is on them to take responsibility and make amends or atonement, an act of contrition). I heavily depend on it but most people are not in the practice (let alone mastery) of this virtue. I can't compromise my value (responsibility) so it looks like it will be a perpetual struggle.

I know God wants us to be MERCIFUL which seems like it might actually be the opposite of responsibility. But if we all prioritize mercy over responsibility, what does that get us?

I'm currently involved in a complaint process in regard to my recent first job in 17 years. I found so much trouble and so many problems there. It was truly very, very bad work conditions and horrible workplace standards. I was asked if I ever asked one of the other employees why she never filed any formal complaints, given that she had so many of them. I thought that was a great, but more importantly, telling question.

People weren't necessarily being merciful when nobody ever made a formal work complaint. But conditions got as bad as they did there specifically because nobody was willing to take any responsibility. That responsibility fell on my shoulders and I was compelled to act.

Throughout my life, I've been met with more encouragement to "let things go" which taught me to take that advice as a significantly consequential mistake. I see the need for more people to do the opposite of let things go: DEMAND BETTER STANDARDS and stop accepting unacceptable things in the names of peace, forgiveness, mercy, etc..

But, I'm speaking from a place of extraordinary and unusual depth of adversity which means, as you already know, quite a lot of victimhood (and the subsequent injustice).

Oh my fricken word do I carry on and on or what lol. Yikes.

Anyway, thank you for the response and I know the one thing I CAN focus on without getting too troubled over it is practicing gratitude more. I've already been working on that one a little bit for some time now but I do need to make progress and improvement. If I do better in that area, it might help me counterbalance the all consuming negative I have to contend with on a daily basis.

Thanks for replying :)

[JosephineB]

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace - not sure of quote writer.

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by JosephineBloggs

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace - not sure of quote writer.

Yep. Forgiving is the only safeguard to protect against anger. Much as I know and understand, I'm incapable. My mechanisms to accept and forgive are damaged. Too great, too severe and too many have been the injuries and afflictions.

First step to forgiveness, the prerequisite to forgiveness, is acceptance. This is a major no can do. Some things ought not be accepted. Or forgiven.

There's a provision in the word of God that grants a priest the right to bind someone to their sin rather than forgive them. I claim the same right.

In my case, any forgiveness from me requires fulfillment of confession, repentance and the seeking of my forgiveness. I also require an offering, atonement.

Stone solid righteousness. High standards. Uncompromised values. Adherence to absolutes. Truth.

I'm supposed to rest on promises that they will get what's coming to them. I'm supposed to leave retributions, vengeance up to God... a God who claims to be a God of Justice.

Meanwhile, my life is being wasted away after having been stolen, subjugated (to evils) and destroyed. I'm left with the damage and the wreck...

And of course, rendered insanely unattractive to a partner. Who would want someone like me? And NO, I'M NEVER COMPROMISING MY WILL.

I've been kept and treated as a sex slave with conditioning for the heinous, outrageous, revolting "job" that began in my early childhood. This reality leads to gross disillusionment in a supposed moral God.

I have a right to be free from torture.
I have a right to be free from a sadistic evil plot.

And I don't have to do anything to "earn" or "win" liberation and freedom from VULGARITY.

God is the one who needs to repent. God is the creator of souls and plans and purposes. Consider me overly knowledgeable. Consider me disillusioned. Consider me abundantly endowed with righteous anger. Consider me necessary to be served.

My will is to be done because I heard about this thing called FREE WILL.

PROVE IT.

Here I sit, fully knowledgeable of a beyond insane plot that spans my entire lifetime AND eternity.

I'm taking my self and my rights and my truth and my life back, even if I'm forced to fight to the point of war for it.

I'm not asking for anybody's permission or approval, not even God's, as I do not need it. I am not obligated to serve some pervert's sick desires.

I'm entitled to my own life and free will.

I will forgive when guilt is on its knees in terror for what so many have done to me, taken from me.

It matters. This isn't TV. I'm not an actress. This is my life.

If this all is what religion is about then I denounce religion and I denounce God. The indignation is extremely vicious, if it wasn't already obvious.

There is no need and no right for the world to exist if one is deprived of their life, their rights, their freedom and their very self.

I always dream of what it would be like if people start standing up for me. Too late, really. I'm 43, not 4 or 3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfcVoyDgLdA

My will is simple. It's the plot and the conspiracy that isn't.

[little.nation]

If I worked tonight, my shift would have started 25 minutes ago at 6PM.

At that time, I was focused on the Dulos - Traconis case (I'm fully invested in that case, it's causing my passion for justice to vibrate very highly).

At 6:10pm an image of my would-be lover boy appeared in my temple (mind). He was looking for me.

Hahaha!!

I began writing and that's when I decided to document an update.

It's not easy when I have to endure constant inputs from spiritual sources. This aspect of my reality causes me immeasurable aggravation and frustration as I am always having to battle for my own thoughts vs inputs from foreign sources.

So, I did what I do which is to take all of the elements in the story and make something of it. I wrote that I'm going to "align his stars" which is super easy to do. I can't wait, it's going to be awesome.

I work the next three days. I don't know his schedule but I'm sure I'll see him.

"Patience" is the message coming through, just now. Me, patience? Hardly. I have zero skill in that department.

But I'll leave this update for now and will update again after his stars are aligned LOLOL!!

I'll probably be angry but I honestly don't even care (at the moment). Whatever.

7:32pm edit: I forgot to mention: rain and thunder precede me tomorrow while wind follows after me. I was reminded of this while reading about apostle / Saint Paul. And I'm reading about him because in one week's time, the name Paul has been stalking and harassing me. I have encountered the name Paul, or some form of it, at least 5 times in 8 days: Paulie (encountered face to face while I was traveling to my first day of work last Tuesday), a man named Paul (also called Paulie) who works there (and is a doppelganger, like the first Paulie is), an uber driver named Paulo (encountered yesterday), a food product at work called Mrs Paul's (or something like that) and a man on a 6 member conference call today is named Paul.

Edit 7:51pm
What i picked up from reading about Paul: persona non grata.

Maybe this was the cause behind the persistence of Paul, life getting a message across to me that I'm one of these persona non grata.

Hey, how many years have I called for my burial? You walk as a corpse, constantly harassed and worse. What's non grata is the burdens I'm afflicted with (including the intentional betrayal and refusal to support). Eh, groan. This is such an oooooold story.

I'm not sure what other reason there could be for the harping on Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul...

Bury me or I'll do it myself. I've really had enough a long time ago. Not one person gives me due recognition. Nada!

And if I remember correctly, which I do, this Mr would be lover boy displayed an overt interest in me. I just happened to have reciprocated.

Whatever. All the aggravation is pushing me over the edge. Again.

[little.nation]

Yeah. I had it right from the get go.

He's a puppet, a black grape, and adverse spiritual orchestration is being carried out against me. As usual. It's pavlov's dog in action, a false positive with subsequent"punishment" for responding to the false positive.

There goes another paycheck. I'll have to abruptly quit this job. I'm not blind or stupid: I see the rain, thunder and the wind - all in alignment for tomorrow and the next day.

As for the work I created to "align his stars" I'll throw it in the trash.

I'm clearly always going to be under extreme and unrelenting adverse spirituality and so I might as well finally go throw myself into an oncoming train.

And the whole world will feel better for it once the sacrificial scapegoat is finally gone.

Fts. Seriously had way more than too much a long time ago. I should have known better. No, i DID know better because I always do.

Done. Done with all of it. I'm clearly being harassed to death. Satan's world. I'm not welcome unless I'm under spiritual control.

Heinous.

Bye. I really don't want to keep updating threads and documenting my Hell because it only vents my frustrations and aggravation. It doesn't bring me any of the benefits and ends that I seek.

Enough is enough.

This world makes me a leper and an enemy. YOU GOT IT.

Adios.

[Kaere]

That's some very strong emotion, you've obviously experienced (and are experiencing) serious trauma. I am truly hoping you find someone in the physical who can help you work through it.


You are a strong person, remember to be kind to yourself. That strong person deserves respect, acknowledgement, and a heaping portion of kindness.

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by Kaere

That's some very strong emotion, you've obviously experienced (and are experiencing) serious trauma. I am truly hoping you find someone in the physical who can help you work through it.


You are a strong person, remember to be kind to yourself. That strong person deserves respect, acknowledgement, and a heaping portion of kindness.

Thanks, Kaere. I also need a fleet of fire trucks to extinguish the flames and I need someone to bury my corpse. Get a load of this update,

I was set on fire, severely, due to harassment, spiritual pitchforking (attacks and provocation), spiritual orchestration (what I call psycho puppetry).

Saturday night: I overheard him when he went to a coworker and showed him something on his phone. He said "gas station". Remember the first time I was provoked, because of the gas station? I said it was pavlov's dog being played out.

After that night at the gas station, and I had been so aggravated and upset, he continued to display an interest in / attraction to me. Saturday, I was going to give him my phone number. His interest was causing me a lot of tension and I was ready to make an attempt to connect. I had my number written on a piece of paper held in my pocket waiting for an opportunity to give it to him. Imagine my surprise when I saw him take out his phone. I thought, he's on the same wavelength and is letting me know he wants to talk.

He also copied me and began chewing gum as I had been.

So after I wrote my number down and saw him take out his phone, he had his phone a second time when he went over to a coworker and said something to him about "gas station". I took it as an indication that he thought of us crossing paths there as we had before...

On my walk home Saturday night I passed the gas station looking for him and expecting to see him but he wasn't there. I never did get an opportunity to give him my number and was going to do so if I would have seen him at the gas station.

Of course, as you'd expect, not seeing him at the gas station Saturday night was very thought provoking. I figured, maybe because he's a passenger with a friend it wasn't in his control whether they'd be there that night. I was scheduled to work Sunday and figured I'd see him.

He wasn't at work yesterday. BOOM.

A woman who works there is very quiet. She keeps to herself. She happened to look me directly in the face for the first time and I saw how beautiful she is.

I later saw her standing by herself with her hand to her eye like as if to dry a tear (although maybe she just had something in her eye). I thought, maybe she heard me in the spirit when I acknowledged that she's beautiful and it made her cry.

Life, constantly playing itself out like a movie.

So I sat here all Sunday night, after work, into Monday morning, full of furious fire and wrath when it occurred to me...

His name is Chris. Her name is Iris. See that? Their names align.

Not only that, they each wear glasses and their glasses are similar (dark frames).

I instantly saw that they're both blind and somehow have managed to work together yet never notice each other. They're a perfect match. And they're blind. They don't see each other and need help.

Get this: the name of the company is Peapod (grocery home delivery service).

Chris and Iris look to me like two peas in a pod.

Now that I have this awareness and knowledge, the burden is on me to handle it.

What is there to say about ME as I'm going through all of this?

Well, I'd have to tell people what the HARASSMENT I SUFFER - spirit and human - is made of.

I'm told that I'm disgusting.
I'm told that I'm unacceptable.
I'm reminded of the evil and Hell I've been subjugated to all my life.
I'm made to feel like absolute garbage.

And imagine how it would BURN ME IN HELL, AGAIN, if I play match maker for those two blind people and then people treat me better because of it.

Oh, HELL NO!

look, I AM BEING SADISTICALLY MERCILESSLY BURNED AND TORTURED IN HELL and I'm in no mood to be USED as a match maker for OTHERS at my EXCRUCIATING SUFFERING EXPENSE.

Nobody would wonder what sort of torture I would endure if I played match maker for them. Nobody would suspect that I WILL BE TORTURED FOR IT. Nobody would care.

No good deed goes unpunished.

So there you have it. A horrible orchestra of car horns are currently blowing my head apart (car horns are one form of harassment I endure) which lets me know that the extremely nosy SPIRIT WORLD is STILL destructively focused on violating my privacy and my boundaries.

THERE. IS. NO. PEACE.

Meanwhile, I'm in my 6th week of work and after 5 paychecks my financial situation is WORSE instead of better (my paychecks are being devoured by overdraft fees).

You see the obvious, right?

This job too is also going to end, exactly as the first job was ripped out of my life. There is no way I can continue to work there.

I have to go to work tonight FULL OF EVIL, FULL OF FIRE, FULL OF HELL.

HEY!! HEY WORLD!! HEY GOD!!

I. BELONG. IN. THE. GROUND!!!!!!!!


M. E. R. C. I. L. E. S. S.