My Recent Ascension Upgrade

[Shivani Devi]

My dearest ones.

I typed this up on my laptop last night.

Two days ago, I completed a one hour dhyan (focus) meditation on the Sri Yantra, accompanied by the 108 names of the goddess Tripurasundari.

What followed, was an hour of holotropic breathwork pioneered by Stanislav Grof and after that, I did a shamanic soul retrieval that went for about an hour and a half. After all that, nothing really happened and I just fell asleep.

I woke up yesterday morning and realised I had to go shopping...I tried to stand and I couldn't walk properly, like a newborn foal...but I managed to get to the shops...and everything just looked so surreal...my eyes had trouble focusing...everything looked like it was in 2D and I had no visual depth of field whatsoever and yet, everything was pulsating and radiating with energy and light. It was a real chore and effort to interact with my environment and all I wanted to do was just sit down and stare at nothing all day.

I got to the store checkouts and had to wait for about 20 minutes; meanwhile, my hands moved automatically in all different mudras in front of my eyes...just performing a beautiful hand ballet then and there and I became totally transfixed...lost in a deep trance.

I also became aware that both my brain hemispheres had totally integrated because the left side of my body became the right side...and vice versa, until I couldn't tell the difference between left, right, up, down, in or out...although I also realised my groceries were progressing along the conveyor belt and I would soon have to pay for them, which I did, but then exited the shopping complex ASAP and made a bee-line for home because I also got the feeling that something huge was about to go down.

I rushed home, put the groceries away, stripped off naked because I could feel the raging furnace starting up within me and I laid on my bed, applying pressure to all my shiatsu points along the spine - anywhere I could reach.

As soon as I pressed the ones at the base of my skull, there was a huge 'crack' in my head and a blinding pressure between my eyes, at the 'third-eye' area of my brow. What followed was incredible vertigo, nausea and a loss of all position in time, space and causal reality. I was totally 'gone' and I don't recall falling asleep, but I didn't know if I was asleep, awake or what....all I remember is 'coming to' about 2 hours later, soaked in massive perspiration, feeling on fire and having incredible pain in every part of my body, from my big toenail to the tips of my hair...I thought "right, this is it. Goodbye, cruel world" and with that, I managed to crawl out of bed reaching my altar and prostrated myself before the statues of Lord Shiva and Kali Ma going "let this be my last act on this earth" and then I heard it..."don't fight it, just surrender to it...it is only Kriya Shakti, you'll be fine".

So, I crawled back to bed and immersed/absolved myself in the pain and Kundalini-fire until all the pain vanished, replaced by this incredible light and a feeling of deep contentment and satisfaction (I wouldn't say "bliss" exactly)...just a deep, peaceful inner silence and I went back into the lucid-dreaming state where I witnessed my own conception as the original merging of masculine and feminine within my own being, creating my unique DNA, before I saw myself as a child...a lonely, abused child...and realised that it was me who appeared to my younger self in the form of Lord Shiva, because I knew I would understand that better than "this is your future self here" but I also knew that Lord Shiva was a being we both loved...or should I say that I have loved all my life. I then started to pour unconditional loving energy back and forward along the whole ancestor and procestor DNA chain until I saw this beautiful planet shrouded in an aqua-green mist and knew that was 'my home'.

I cannot say what happened after that, because it was all I could recall, but I was aware of laying down at about 3pm yesterday when all this started...and the next thing I knew it was 6am this morning. My head felt like a swarm of wasps had just built a nest in it. I went to stand up to use the lavatory and careered off, side-long into a wall, so I got down on all-fours and crawled around for a while, doing the cat-pose (marjariasana) because it seemed to relieve the tension along my entire spine. All day, all I could drink was water...I tried orange juice...it tasted like battery acid (and I love orange juice). I had to spit it out and I spent most of the morning under a lukewarm shower drinking chilled water before I realised I had an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon...oh boy! I was tossing up whether to go or not, but I finally managed to because I couldn't think up a truthful excuse not to go...and yup, I've tried explaining all this kind of stuff to her before but she very quickly labels it as being "escapism so I don't have to deal with 'real life".

I'm starting to question if it's even worth continuing to see her, when I also realise that my 'flimsy grip on reality' is the only reason why I go - but then again, what Jnana Yogi doesn't have one? So, with my head bobbing up and down like a dashboard dog mascot, I managed to get through the whole session, before winding up at the library, studying all the jyotish nakshatras (Hindu astrological constellations) online, expanding my digitised consciousness into the quantum binary field which pretty much cemented my place as an Orion Starseed with a partially blocked Vishuddhi (throat) Chakra.

I arrived home totally fatigued...sprawled out on my bed again and fell into sleep-trance...saw Lord Shiva as the Divine Archer (Sagittarius) destroying the Three Cities of the Asuras and taking Goddess Shakti out with them...Tripurasundari (Goddess of all three aspects of material nature) meets Tripurantakaya (destroyer of all three aspects of material nature), before exploding with the heat and light of a million atomic bombs which somehow seemed to confine itself to my spinal cavity and cranium...why, hello there, Kalagnirudraya (the immortal fire of time's tears)...until I found myself in face-down catatonia on my carpet some four hours later with "I wonder what the time is?" lol

I managed to pull myself together and found the energy to go downstairs into the kitchen and make a pot of green tea, before photocopying my sidereal astrological natal chart thread as well as all the information I found online about each of the planetary aspects and their relation to my whole life...I realised I had been chosen by Lord Shiva....I realised I had attained some form of Samadhi but not necessarily Moksha yet...and also understood this is what I have to do, or else I will keep getting reborn to 'play the human Maya-game repeatedly and not cheat or take 'short-cuts'', but that is also a very fine line, because I can see it for what it truly is in relation to Brahman/Absolute. Or, as Jesus said "be IN the world, but not OF the world and not "turn on, tune in, drop out" ( fully realising of course, that without hermits, hermeticism wouldn't exist).

So, I went back to studying the Shaiva Agamas and the Spanda Karikas tonight and fully realised..."I'm ready now".

[shivatar]

Amazing. Your effort is truly beginning to bear fruit.

What do you plan to do with this newfound power?

[django]

Very interesting to read Shivani Devi, thanks, don't stop writing :)

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by shivatar

Amazing. Your effort is truly beginning to bear fruit.

What do you plan to do with this newfound power?

I'm not sure my sweet, in that it's not 'my power' to do anything with, although something happened today which gave me a small clue.

I attend a vegetarian cooking class...not that I need to go and learn vegetarian cooking, mind you.

I usually stand at the back of the class and just observe things from a distance, getting involved only when somebody asks/needs me to...it's just my way, but at least I am making the effort to become a more sociable creature (as per my karmic contract).

At the back of the class, I noticed another woman who, like me, suffers from PTSD, but she has it a lot worse than I do and I noticed she was getting really overwhelmed and was starting to fluster and shake...so much so, she had to take herself off to the Community Centre's 'quiet room' and I decided to follow, just to make sure she was okay and to keep an eye on her.

She sat down in a lounge chair and I sat down in the chair opposite and asked her if she preferred to be alone and she said that she was experiencing a panic (anxiety) attack but she also knew I had PTSD and I could empathise and so she asked me to stay.

Then, I said "well, at least you can understand what is happening to you and so you also know it will pass soon, don't you?" and she said "yeah, but that's not making it any better...I'm so overwhelmed and I feel dizzy and sick".

With that, I asked her to put her hands together in prayer position at heart level and then separate the fingers wide, placing the tips of each finger and thumbs together and pressing hard until she felt her pulse...she did so.

Then, I asked her to relax the pressing of her fingertips until she could still feel the pulse, but not lose it completely and then to focus on the sensation between her fingertips...she followed my instructions.

After a minute or so, I said "okay, now this is your core" and she closed her eyes and acknowledged it, but I also noticed she was still hyperventilating slightly so I said "open your eyes, but keep your hands where they are and bring your breathing in time with mine" and I was already breathing slowly and deeply as I was going through all this with her.

She brought her breathing in time with mine and then I said "that's great, you're doing very well now...next time you breathe in, slowly extend both arms directly out in front of you with palms facing outward" she did so...I said "awesome...now upon exhalation, separate your arms and place them out, by your side with palms facing downwards" she obliged.

Then I said "okay, with your next inhalation, turn your palms upwards and bring your palms together in prayer position high over your head, gathering in and scooping up all the light and energy from the universe" and she did that...actually, we were both doing it simultaneously.

Then I said "great, now on the next exhalation, bring your arms down with palms in prayer pose back over your heart region again...then separate your fingers as before...are still feeling the pulse?" and she says "yes, it's slower and much stronger" and I said "good...now you have found your centre again" and of course, she wanted to repeat all this a few times and we both did it together, matching movement and breathing.

After that, she said "this is incredible! I feel so relaxed and warm, like I'm soaking in a bath, but I also feel so light and empty...where did you learn how to do this?" and I told her that I didn't learn it, as it was something my body started to do naturally and on its own to soothe itself about 6 months ago, when I found myself overwhelmed and going into anxiety mode. I then said that when she felt it coming on, to immediately place the tips of her fingers together and centre herself in her own 'core space'...no matter what was going on outside of it.

We then re-joined the group and I noticed her putting her fingertips together intermittently all the way through it, but she was able to manage, join in and even smile...at the end of the class, she said "thank you so much...you have taught me a great thing today I'm going to use for the rest of my life" I simply put my palms together, bowed and said "namaste" and then, she returned the gesture saying "the spirit in me salutes the spirit in you" and I said "likewise...and have a nice week, see you next class" and then I was off.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by django

Very interesting to read Shivani Devi, thanks, don't stop writing :)

Thank you. My internet time is limited right now, but I won't stop writing...it will just take me more time to do so, which is a good thing.

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

I'm not sure my sweet, in that it's not 'my power' to do anything with, although something happened today which gave me a small clue.

I attend a vegetarian cooking class...not that I need to go and learn vegetarian cooking, mind you.

I usually stand at the back of the class and just observe things from a distance, getting involved only when somebody asks/needs me to...it's just my way, but at least I am making the effort to become a more sociable creature (as per my karmic contract).

At the back of the class, I noticed another woman who, like me, suffers from PTSD, but she has it a lot worse than I do and I noticed she was getting really overwhelmed and was starting to fluster and shake...so much so, she had to take herself off to the Community Centre's 'quiet room' and I decided to follow, just to make sure she was okay and to keep an eye on her.

She sat down in a lounge chair and I sat down in the chair opposite and asked her if she preferred to be alone and she said that she was experiencing a panic (anxiety) attack but she also knew I had PTSD and I could empathise and so she asked me to stay.

Then, I said "well, at least you can understand what is happening to you and so you also know it will pass soon, don't you?" and she said "yeah, but that's not making it any better...I'm so overwhelmed and I feel dizzy and sick".

With that, I asked her to put her hands together in prayer position at heart level and then separate the fingers wide, placing the tips of each finger and thumbs together and pressing hard until she felt her pulse...she did so.

Then, I asked her to relax the pressing of her fingertips until she could still feel the pulse, but not lose it completely and then to focus on the sensation between her fingertips...she followed my instructions.

After a minute or so, I said "okay, now this is your core" and she closed her eyes and acknowledged it, but I also noticed she was still hyperventilating slightly so I said "open your eyes, but keep your hands where they are and bring your breathing in time with mine" and I was already breathing slowly and deeply as I was going through all this with her.

She brought her breathing in time with mine and then I said "that's great, you're doing very well now...next time you breathe in, slowly extend both arms directly out in front of you with palms facing outward" she did so...I said "awesome...now upon exhalation, separate your arms and place them out, by your side with palms facing downwards" she obliged.

Then I said "okay, with your next inhalation, turn your palms upwards and bring your palms together in prayer position high over your head, gathering in and scooping up all the light and energy from the universe" and she did that...actually, we were both doing it simultaneously.

Then I said "great, now on the next exhalation, bring your arms down with palms in prayer pose back over your heart region again...then separate your fingers as before...are still feeling the pulse?" and she says "yes, it's slower and much stronger" and I said "good...now you have found your centre again" and of course, she wanted to repeat all this a few times and we both did it together, matching movement and breathing.

After that, she said "this is incredible! I feel so relaxed and warm, like I'm soaking in a bath, but I also feel so light and empty...where did you learn how to do this?" and I told her that I didn't learn it, as it was something my body started to do naturally and on its own to soothe itself about 6 months ago, when I found myself overwhelmed and going into anxiety mode. I then said that when she felt it coming on, to immediately place the tips of her fingers together and centre herself in her own 'core space'...no matter what was going on outside of it.

We then re-joined the group and I noticed her putting her fingertips together intermittently all the way through it, but she was able to manage, join in and even smile...at the end of the class, she said "thank you so much...you have taught me a great thing today I'm going to use for the rest of my life" I simply put my palms together, bowed and said "namaste" and then, she returned the gesture saying "the spirit in me salutes the spirit in you" and I said "likewise...and have a nice week, see you next class" and then I was off.

what you experienced the other day is highly desirable, if you can teach her this maybe you can teach many things including what you experienced the other day. Maybe that is also part of your karmic contract?

If I was another person near you I would greatly like to learn some of the things you have come to learn over the years. Seems like you are able to easily teach others, maybe you have a natural affinity for it.

naturally the things you have come to experience lately are for the more advanced but you can teach beginners things you have learned a long time ago. And when you find advanced people you can teach them things they need to know. Just practices and the stuff, if talking or lecturing is not your style. Everybody enjoys learning practices.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by shivatar

what you experienced the other day is highly desirable, if you can teach her this maybe you can teach many things including what you experienced the other day. Maybe that is also part of your karmic contract?

If I was another person near you I would greatly like to learn some of the things you have come to learn over the years. Seems like you are able to easily teach others, maybe you have a natural affinity for it.

naturally the things you have come to experience lately are for the more advanced but you can teach beginners things you have learned a long time ago. And when you find advanced people you can teach them things they need to know. Just practices and the stuff, if talking or lecturing is not your style. Everybody enjoys learning practices.

Thanks again.

I kind of feel that teaching is something that is meant to happen if/when it does and it's not a goal to aim for. I have noticed, with repeated regularity that if I get my ego involved in anything, it seems doomed to failure from the very start and therefore 'goal setting' is pretty much out....somehow, it just doesn't like to work that way for me.

What I have become aware of is that I just need to get myself out there, just hanging around and trying to look interested and God will place people in my path that 'need me' for some reason...but if I go out looking for it or with an express purpose in mind, I'll be hitherto ignored.

I'm also tossing up whether my strengths lay in teaching or in healing...maybe a bit of both.

All I know is that whatever 'desirable outcome' involved is the direct result of Grace...nothing more or less and there needs to be certain humility with that.

[Shivani Devi]

I also just discovered something which goes towards explaining the whole timing of this and I outlined it in another thread, but it equally relates here:

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...d.php?t=121355

Yep, so I totally understand what went on now. I have just been 'activated' as a Light Worker.

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Thanks again.

I kind of feel that teaching is something that is meant to happen if/when it does and it's not a goal to aim for. I have noticed, with repeated regularity that if I get my ego involved in anything, it seems doomed to failure from the very start and therefore 'goal setting' is pretty much out....somehow, it just doesn't like to work that way for me.

What I have become aware of is that I just need to get myself out there, just hanging around and trying to look interested and God will place people in my path that 'need me' for some reason...but if I go out looking for it or with an express purpose in mind, I'll be hitherto ignored.

I'm also tossing up whether my strengths lay in teaching or in healing...maybe a bit of both.

All I know is that whatever 'desirable outcome' involved is the direct result of Grace...nothing more or less and there needs to be certain humility with that.

to be honest it just sounds like your self-esteem issues are getting in the way again. I see good reason for you to teach, yet when you talk about your own skills all I hear is you giving reasons for why you can't.

I'm not asking you to teach 10,000 people in a stadium. I'm asking you to teach one to ten people in a small gathering or on a one to one basis. Also I'm not asking you to teach them how to live a spiritual life, I'm just asking you share some of your techniques with people who might enjoy them. And yes, I'm asking for you to put yourself around people who would want to learn from you, rather than isolate yourself and "teach whoever god puts in my path".

I keep seeing a lot of amazing things that you are doing, but when you talk about what you think you are capable of or what you can do it's like you are blind to your own abilities.

have you ever heard someone say, actions speak louder than words? they speak louder than thoughts too. I think it's high time you started to listen to your actions rather than your thoughts. When you get outside of your own thoughts and engage in action the results are good so keep going outside your thoughts and engaging in action.

oh yeah, and you dont need to be nude in your bedroom to connect with your abilities and skills. That might be pleasurable but is it in the service of all mankind.. well maybe it is, if you are planning to take what you have earned and learned and bring it to the service of other people. Sounds to me like you plan to keep shunning other people and going back to your home and practicing alone though =(

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by shivatar

to be honest it just sounds like your self-esteem issues are getting in the way again. I see good reason for you to teach, yet when you talk to me all I hear is you giving reasons for why you can't.

I'm not asking you to teach 10,000 people in a stadium. I'm asking you to teach one to ten people in a small gathering or on a one to one basis.

I keep seeing a lot of amazing things that you are doing, but when you talk about what you think you are capable of or what you can do it's the complete opposite.

have you ever heard someone say, actions speak louder than words? they speak louder than thoughts too. I think it's high time you started to listen to your actions rather than your thoughts. When you get outside of your own thoughts and engage in action the results are good.

oh yeah, and you dont need to be nude in your bedroom to connect with your abilities and skills. That might be pleasurable but is it in the service of all mankind.. maybe, if you are planning to take what you have earned and learned and bring it to the service of other people. Sounds to me like you plan to keep shunning other people and going back to your home and practicing alone though =(

It's not my self-esteem issues, as I have no self-esteem and I don't plan to keep on 'shunning people'...it's just easier for me to let them do what they do without my involvement, but that doesn't mean I won't hang around and 'be there'.

Case in point...human beings just talk so fast to each other when conversing and if I want to join in, I find there's not enough space in between their words...they can even inhale and talk at the same time! and I cannot 'get a word in' and I try to talk at the same time others are talking, but they just talk over the top of me anyway...hence why I like internet forums so much. I have even tried saying "excuse me" very loud...in the end, I just walk away and let them do whatever they do.

Why do I stand at the back of the class? because 3-4 women are all trying to do just one task, telling each other how they would do it if 'they were the other' and in the end, I am just like "no, you go for it...stage is all yours" and I just don't want to get into the whole 'melee' and the 'thick of it' because it's not my personality to do so and that has nothing to do with a low self-esteem. Some are just 'people people' and some are not, but that also doesn't mean we should exclude ourselves from humanity because of it either.

However, we've had this discussion before and if it makes any difference, all I can say is "I shall consider it and take it on notice".