How to handle ego-death after psychedelic experience

[lysglimt]

Hi everyone :)

I have some questions and I hope someone might have some answears..

Almost a year ago I had an mind-blowing psychedelic experience that changed my life. And don't get me wrong, this is not a "thing" I do, I've only done it this one time .

The substance was DMT/Ayahuasca and I chose to try it after hearing about it from friends telling me this was the so called "spiritual molecule" and that it had been used for centuries for healing. Of course they had never tried it either, because its not an easy thing to find around here. But suddenly my friend got a text message and there it was.

We got so thrilled that we bought it right away and didn't even look it up on the internet before we went into the woods to try it.. The dealer had already told us that the dosage was 45mg so what did we need to know? .. Hmm.. At least we should've have something to measure it with.

I didn't know at all what to expect and I surely didn't expect to see what I saw.

I was the first one out.

The first thing that happened was strange noises appeared and suddenly the forest was shining as if it was raining gold. I just started to laugh as if I just had realized how amazing life was and how beautiful it was. And suddenly I felt observed by something in the sky behind the tree-tops, and as I looked up I saw between 5-8 stars/orbits of an amazing strong green light. I just felt so connected to it, as if it was where I came from.

Then my friend ask me if I was doing okay, and I turned around to answer him. And he suddenly had 4 eyes, so I just turned around again, nodded and tried not to freak out. I kept looking into the forest and I saw all these amazing symbols on the trees and everything around me. It was as if I focused on absolutely everything I saw. I could see very small details on the trees that was more than hundreds of meters away from me

Then I heard bell-like chimes in different tones, and it was as if I was hearing them while being under water. They kept getting stronger and stronger and I felt a strong pressure in my head. I started to hear crackling noises from my skull and I didn't know at all what was going on.

And suddenly all I saw got wrapped together like a peace of paper. Now I just saw a little dot of.. everything I suppose? And suddenly it wrapped out like a thousand pebbled lotus with different colors and layers just slowly rotating around. At this moment I started to panic and I remember asking myself "what have I done? I have gone insane, what if its going to be like this forever? I have done a huge mistake, what about my girlfriend and family?"

And then suddenly a lot of horrific memories and visuals where brought up. I remember thinking "how can I remember these things?" it was so familiar, but after wards I couldn't remember it (luckily). And suddenly I was back in the "real" world I felt that I could breath for the first time in ages. My friend asked me if I was ok, I just replied "don't try this". I was suddenly dragged back into my own hell again but this time I was in the forest and all the trees had eyes and appeared very evil. It was as if they where stretching towards me.

In all of a sudden I was burning. Yes, burning from top to toe. It was all so real, the pain, the panic.. It felt as if the flames went into my mouth when I tried to breath. And it felt as if I was just sitting there and burning for a thousand years.

I started seeing a lot of Egyptian signs and stuff, and suddenly I saw Anubis a Egyptian god(?) who was both human and dog or something. I was appearing as if he still was a drawing and ran forth and back studying me. He suddenly poked the surface he was standing on with his stick/pole and some letters suddenly appeared under him. I don't remember what it said..

Suddenly I was back in the forest again, and I literally threw myself over the water bottle to drink. I was "kind of thirsty" after the flames went out.. I emptied the whole bottle of water and my friend took the bottle and started walking to the river to fill it. But I could wait to drink more so I just ran after him to the river. I told him to just go back to where we were in the first place so I could just chill by the river. I felt soo much better just by standing besides the river and out of intuition I laid down on a rock in the river with water running on both sides of it.

I decided to meditate to try to figure out what was going on. I started seeing like empty church benches and I was floating away from them. Suddenly everything got extremely brights, as if I was staring into a million suns and I got an amazing liberating feeling inside me. And out of the strong light Buddhas face appeared exactly like it looks in the paintings and he had a small gentle smile on his face. I just started laughing because I felt so honored and amazed. It was truly wonderful.

And that was the trip. Ups and downs as you see.

I have never been so scared in my whole life and I advice no one to try this unless they are guided by experienced shamans or such.


This whole experience put me back in my spiritual path and I'm truly grateful for it. My only issue now is that im afraid of being egoistic at all. That is a good thing yes, but I'm having a hard time finding my place if you know what I mean. Before I was a rather big and muscular guy and well liked by people. Now I weigh the same as I did when I was 15 but I really want to get fit again. But im just scared of doing anything "ego-centric" at all. Im almost afraid of believing in myself.


Any reply is much appreciated. And I do hope that I don't brake any rules or offend anyone by posting this, the truth is I just need some guidance.


Best wishes to you all <3

Naw ego is **, everything you ever did that was egocentric was just peacocking.
Go hit the gym hard theres nothing egocentric about that, bodies require exercise FACT.
However if your talking about acting cocky and competitive believe it or not those things are not egocentric either those things require you make a little bit of a fool of yourself.

Dont over think it bro psychology is the ultimate bro science its all made up !!!!

Edited by SF Staff (swearing)

[lysglimt]

Thanks for the feedback Snufflex :)

Yes, I it does feel right to get back in shape. Those days where the best, lots of energy, laughing and all senses heightened compared to now.

You are right, too much over thinking. And the over thinking is the reason why I used about 20 minutes writing this reply! Haha

Thank you SnufflexD

Best wishes <3

[LadyMay]

Awesome experience! Sounds like you had an intense energetic surge, I would say just keep doing what you're doing. There are no right or wrong answers, only experiences and explorations... you're a traveller seeing all the sights.

[Arcturus]

Drinking ayahuasca is alot safer than vaporising the powder. Folk actually don't come back from vaping it. Be carefull. It's quite amazing the stuff that seems to be going on just beyond the senses and DMT can remove that veil pretty quickly. Once you've ego died on it there's no going back so be sure what you're heading for. It's been 8 years or so since I drank it and I wish I could partake again as I was much calmer and more balanced then.

[lysglimt]

Scarlett;

What do you mean by having an energetic surge? And btw, what does your profile picture represent? It really reminds me of the experience, I was sitting in the same posture all covered in flames too :O :) And thanks for the encouraging words :)

Vector;
Oh, I would never do the same thing again. If I where to try it again I would drink ayahuasca brew under supervision of experienced people. Did you go to the amazon when you tried it? :) And what did you experience?


Best wishes to the both of you <3

[Tanemon]

Here's how I look at the ego. "Ego" means "I am" or "I exist"... sense of self as a conscious being.

It's your sense of self in this current life, and - in this physical world - it's associated with your physical self to quite an extent. But it also represents your everyday mind, knowledge, skills, etc.

People need an ego, for instance, in this way... Let's say you need income to pay for shelter, food, clothing, transportation, and whatever else seems essential to you. If you apply for a job, you'll probably have an interview and have to reply to questions that reflect your experience, attitudes, and self-confidence. If you 'have no ego' you'll be rejected, in all likelihood. Because you won't reflect any sense of self.

Or let's say you and a buddy decide to start your own business. You have to have confidence that you can do what you set out to do, and that you can learn as you go along and improve your ability with the work, as well as gradually find the work easier to accomplish (increased efficiency). You need to be "a somebody".

IOW, you're not a puddle, or an amoeba, or an invalid. You know yourself to be a capable guy. That's an okay kind of ego to have.

You can transcend your ego less shockingly by way of meditation and spiritual practices. Get into your work, your play, your responsibilities... life will put you back together.

[lysglimt]

Tanemon;

That was a great way of putting it, and exactly what I needed. :)

I have been over thinking it for too long, and I honestly thought that what I experienced under the trip was a punishment for being an egoistic person, since its called an ego-death. But I know I've mostly been a very nice person.

I now think that the experience is called ego-death because you loose the sense of being "you".

Anyway, it have changed me for the better, but now its time to do things and motivate myself without thinking that im ego-tripping and that im going to burst into flames again :)

Best wishes <3

[skygazer]

thanks for sharing your experience. I don't view it as ego death but more that the higher self becomes more integrated with lower self/ego. Ego never dies, it takes constant reflection and connection with the moment to observe its status, but with the integration from higher self it becomes manageable.

[LadyMay]

Originally Posted by lysglimt

Scarlett;

What do you mean by having an energetic surge? And btw, what does your profile picture represent? It really reminds me of the experience, I was sitting in the same posture all covered in flames too :O :) And thanks for the encouraging words :)

My picture represents Kundalini, the awoken serpent which usually lays dormant at the base of the spine in human beings. When one is spiritually awoken the snake starts to stir and gradually rises through the energy body's central channel. Sometimes it feels like snake, but what it really is is just energy in its pure form, which often rises bit by bit, so you don't feel it directly, but you feel it sometimes as a fire consuming your entire body. Fire is very symbolic because it is burning away any negativity and cleansing and purifying your system. If you look in the Bible you will see that when the Holy Spirit descended upon the disciples they had tongues of fire flickering above their heads. This means Kundalini had risen all the way up and they became essentially 'enlightened'. Such thing is accompanied by an ego death and a realisation of Self, who you really are, as well as a vision of yourself as light and love. A fundamental knowing. Though sometimes Kundalini can rise all the way and enlightenment doesn't happen if it's not within the soul's purpose to experience it, but the personality is still greatly changed.

The ego itself doesn't actually die, but it becomes something new, it expands to carry the new energy and works in line with your higher true self, it's a tool to be utilised, not anything bad. It only becomes negative when warped and twisted from false programming.

Whether or not you realised yourself in truth is up for you to decide, but either way it's not the end of the journey, just the beginning.