Should I send him a message or let it go?

[olhosdeamendoa]

Hi guys, need a bit of advice here.

So I met this guy 2 months ago on an online dating site. We hit it off instantly and met after a few days. I had a few reservations about him but felt really attracted to him.

The reservations were basically because we are very different people, come from different cultures, upbringing, education, etc, but somehow we connected really well.

So we started dating and things were going well, until 2 weeks ago. He did something I didn't like and I was triggered. We went on a video call that day and I was a bit on the defensive side telling him the things I didn't like.

He started becoming defensive too and things escalated into an argument. He was quite angry at me and I got scared of his reaction.

So we stopped the video call and continued on text message. I was feeling angry and scared and told him that if he reacts like that it's better if we do not continue. He did say sorry, but at the same time said he thinks he did nothing wrong and it felt he was saying sorry just to shut me up.

He was shocked at this, but as soon as we stopped texting, he went on social media and deleted the photos of us together. So that told me that yes, he wanted to break up too.

I was really angry at him, so next day I sent him a message asking for us to meet so I could give his things back to him that were at my house. We met, I gave him the stuff, he asked "that's it"? And I said yes, and left. That was the last time I saw or spoken to him.

After a week or so I sent him a friend request on Facebook (I had unfriended him after I saw him taking off our photos), and he refused to accept my request, which basically tells me he wants nothing to do with me.

The truth is, I miss him and I am sorry for breaking up with him in the heat of the moment. I've had a relationship in the past where we use to fight a lot and I guess that was still in me, because I got really scared and got into a "fight or flight" mode.

I have no idea if he misses me or not. I know he hasn't deleted my number because I can still see him online on whatsapp.

I already did an attempt to approach him by my friend request on FB, so I don't know if I should send him a message or not? I don't want to be chasing him, but on the other hand, I was the other breaking up. I would like to say something like "hey I feel like it would be good to have a conversation about what happened, if you ever feel the same let me know".

I guess I just wanted to have a proper conversation with him, regardless if we get back together or not.

Or maybe I shouldn't do anything and let him be the one contacting me since I already tried an approach?

Really confused here. Can you advise? Thank you.

[Clover]

In my most humble opinion, he sounds like bad news (and needs a lot of growing up to do) Fear is never a good indication that a relationship is going to go well in the future. If he can’t control himself via web cam imagine his reaction in person.

Trust you deserve better

[ohno22]

I think you should let it go. You don't seem to be the right match for each other.

Read what you wrote: "The reservations were basically because we are very different people...He did something I didn't like and I was triggered....He was quite angry at me and I got scared of his reaction....I've had a relationship in the past where we use to fight a lot and I guess that was still in me, because I got really scared and got into a "fight or flight" mode."

You seem to have this pattern in you still you should solve it by being on your own or dating emotionally healthy man.

It's not fair that I tell you this because I'm stuck with this pattern too, so I know it's easier said than done.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by Clover

In my most humble opinion, he sounds like bad news (and needs a lot of growing up to do) Fear is never a good indication that a relationship is going to go well in the future. If he can’t control himself via web cam imagine his reaction in person.

Trust you deserve better

You're right. I was actually scared of talking to him in person that day. That's why I told him I couldn't meet him and we had the conversation on video chat.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by ohno22

I think you should let it go. You don't seem to be the right match for each other.

Read what you wrote: "The reservations were basically because we are very different people...He did something I didn't like and I was triggered....He was quite angry at me and I got scared of his reaction....I've had a relationship in the past where we use to fight a lot and I guess that was still in me, because I got really scared and got into a "fight or flight" mode."

You seem to have this pattern in you still you should solve it by being on your own or dating emotionally healthy man.

It's not fair that I tell you this because I'm stuck with this pattern too, so I know it's easier said than done.

I think the "fight or flight" mode is not a bad thing to be honest. It is triggered as a way of protection from something potentially harmful.

I have been on my own for over 2 years, but there are things that you can only be aware when in relationship to another. You need interaction and the mirroring effect in order to release stuff and heal.

To me, the pattern with this guy is dating emotionally unhealthy men that get closed off and defensive when you speak your truth (and even angry and aggressive).

Yes there were things about him in the beginning that I wasn't sure of, and I should have read the red flags properly. And THAT is the pattern, ignoring the red flags and continuing. Because they exist for a reason, right!?

I guess I need to be very aware of the red flags and actually be with someone where there's actually no red flags and my intuition is 100% positive.

[TheGreenFairie]

Agree with the others about the patterns and that reaction is a red flag.

Missing someone is normal when we break up with the but it doesn't mean you should contact them again.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by TheGreenFairie

Agree with the others about the patterns and that reaction is a red flag.

Missing someone is normal when we break up with the but it doesn't mean you should contact them again.

Yes you're right, that's why I haven't sent him any message yet, still trying to figure out if I am missing him or the feeling of having someone in my life.

Sounds like it's already over. Honestly, hardly worth sending a message.

...

[SaturninePluto]

I am probably not the best for advice as such things of dating and love due to my own issues.

I suffer extreme anxiety when being touched by men, due to past abuses by them, and not all of them being physical. That to me is not the worst of it. I have trust issues with men to the point where even if a male platonic friend that I trust hugs me they have pointed out to me that I will violently shake due to anxiety.

It can be offensive to those hugging or holding me for the first time.

But I hardly care if they like it or not. I have no control of it, and it happens A Lot.

I will say that I agree here both with Clover and Lorelyen. They both bring up very good observations.

If his mere over reaction via video chat was enough to frighten you, enough said. Yes as Clover pointed out how would he have reacted in the physical? Usually since our reactions as human beings are very instinctual and many people do not have their emotional reactions tightly disciplined we usually react the way we are going to there on the spot. You must be very disciplined and aware and have a large amount of self control to when angry remain very calm and soft toned. To deal appropriately with such anger. This man does not sound like he has very much self control.

And of course as Lorelyen said it seems basically over. He refused your request. He does not seem to have any further interest to pursue the relationship.

But thank Goodness. Perhaps it really is for the best?

If you can not trust to have a heated conversation over video chat without an anger fit, why put yourself in close proximity to someone whom can not control themselves when feeling anger?

I feel while it is very possible you may miss him, I am more inclined to feel that perhaps you just miss the physical presence of a significant there.

Wanting to speak with someone because you feel you need to have a boyfriend, husband or significant, is that really the best reason to have or continue a relationship?

Personally with the way I shake if a man touches me, if a male reacted in that way on video chat I would have honestly flipped him the bird before I told him I never wanted to see him physically again. I've been betrayed by the opposite gender in word, in action, and in every other way.

I don't play games with those I hold my company with.

If I can not trust to have a small argument over video chat and you react in a violent and immature way such as slamming your hand down on the table.

Then I can't trust you.

And don't want you in my sacred and personal space.

I wish you well in life whatever you decide.

But if you are feeling fearful it is not for no reason, and it is not I am just being silly he really didn't do anything too bad to cause the argument. Perhaps not at first. And then he acted in a way which produced fear in you.

It speaks for itself, imo.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by SaturninePluto

I am probably not the best for advice as such things of dating and love due to my own issues.

I suffer extreme anxiety when being touched by men, due to past abuses by them, and not all of them being physical. That to me is not the worst of it. I have trust issues with men to the point where even if a male platonic friend that I trust hugs me they have pointed out to me that I will violently shake due to anxiety.

It can be offensive to those hugging or holding me for the first time.

But I hardly care if they like it or not. I have no control of it, and it happens A Lot.

I will say that I agree here both with Clover and Lorelyen. They both bring up very good observations.

If his mere over reaction via video chat was enough to frighten you, enough said. Yes as Clover pointed out how would he have reacted in the physical? Usually since our reactions as human beings are very instinctual and many people do not have their emotional reactions tightly disciplined we usually react the way we are going to there on the spot. You must be very disciplined and aware and have a large amount of self control to when angry remain very calm and soft toned. To deal appropriately with such anger. This man does not sound like he has very much self control.

And of course as Lorelyen said it seems basically over. He refused your request. He does not seem to have any further interest to pursue the relationship.

But thank Goodness. Perhaps it really is for the best?

If you can not trust to have a heated conversation over video chat without an anger fit, why put yourself in close proximity to someone whom can not control themselves when feeling anger?

I feel while it is very possible you may miss him, I am more inclined to feel that perhaps you just miss the physical presence of a significant there.

Wanting to speak with someone because you feel you need to have a boyfriend, husband or significant, is that really the best reason to have or continue a relationship?

Personally with the way I shake if a man touches me, if a male reacted in that way on video chat I would have honestly flipped him the bird before I told him I never wanted to see him physically again. I've been betrayed by the opposite gender in word, in action, and in every other way.

I don't play games with those I hold my company with.

If I can not trust to have a small argument over video chat and you react in a violent and immature way such as slamming your hand down on the table.

Then I can't trust you.

And don't want you in my sacred and personal space.

I wish you well in life whatever you decide.

But if you are feeling fearful it is not for no reason, and it is not I am just being silly he really didn't do anything too bad to cause the argument. Perhaps not at first. And then he acted in a way which produced fear in you.

It speaks for itself, imo.

Thank you for your reply and you are right in what you said. I am sorry you feel anxious that way, is that something you are working on? I'm sure you have good reasons to feel it.

This guy showed how he is in a lot of ways. The entire relationship was all about him, what he wants and what he can get.

The reason why I got pis*** off was because 2 weeks ago on a Saturday he asked me what time can I be at yours next day on Sunday and I said to him "3pm is good for me because it gives me time to get ready", because I had things to do before meeting him.

So he basically completely ignored it and he sent me a message at 2pm saying he was already here and that he was going to a coffee shop near to have a coffee.

My intuition immediately told me his intention with that message was basicaly to see if I was ready and telling him to come now. But I wasn't, so I replied "ok". Then 15 minutes later at 2:15pm he sends another message asking "can I come now"? which just confirmed what my intuition was telling me.

And right after this message, I looked through the window and saw him arriving at my car park! So I decided not to respond to the message just to see what he would do, and he basically just sit there in the car waiting for my response.

First of all I find it disrespectful to arrive 1h earlier, and second he could have been honest and said something like "hey I arrived a lot earlier, if you are ready by any chance let me know, otherwise I'll go at the coffee shop for a while". THIS would have been honest and respectful and would show respect for my boundaries.

But that message he sent was manipulative and deceitful, and that's how he does a lot of things. I felt the energy of it and it felt really off.

So this is what the conversation on the video chat was about. He basically didn't like me being open and honest and telling him this to his face.

Actually, we have exchanged a few text messages about it earlier that day and as soon as we went on the video call, he was already defensive asking why are we still talking about it because there's nothing else to talk about. Well, we only exchanged a few messages that day and didn't really talk about it, and I would like to have an opportunity to express myself, right?

Anyway, yes he was angry because I told him to his face the intentions of sending me that message that day, and that I don't like it. And he said he feels he did nothing wrong and that he arrived earlier because "it's life".

Well, but I said 3pm because guess what? I have a life too! And I have things I need to do on my own.

But as I said, the whole time it was about what he wants. when in his car, he would drive anywhere he wanted without asking me or telling me where he was going. The "presents" he offered me was always things HE could use and for himself.

And one day it was a bank holiday and he was at mine and I was sick, so I went to the bed to rest in the afternoon and I could feel he was feeling bored in the living room, so he came to the bedroom and said I'm leaving, goodbye.

I felt so lonely that time. He could have asked hey do you want me to cook anything for you, or at least I am leaving but do you need me to do or get you anything before I go? Nothing. He just left. And he ALWAYS used to stay at mine in his free time.

There were many more things about him. I don't want to call him a narc, but he was sure self-centered.

Of course when I pulled the plug, he lost it.

Anyway, I have to trust what I felt that day about him and let him go. Yes I guess I miss having a partner in my life, so what I am missing is THAT feeling and not missing him in specific.

Time to move on.