Strange feelings towards a significantly older man

[OnceInALifeTime]

Many times, I sent him clear questions in my emails and he never replied to any of them. I had to find a way around to get my answers without asking him.

He replied one time to say "excellent"... The day he asked about the drinks.

The one time he started blaming me for other people's mistakes, by sending a series of emails saying "And another one ...". Until someone higher up intervened to check the facts, I had to call him in the phone to ask what's deal. That's when he made fun if my name, as I indicated.

Honestly. He's a grown man. I don't know how to deal with him, since he clearly does not take me seriously.

I'm pretty adamant he does not suspect the attraction on my end, but I can't even bother to call him anymore.

[TheGlow]

Sounds manipulative honestly. Consider why you would be attracted to someone who makes you doubt yourself and feel insecure?

[Clover]

^ I agree with the Glow. I worked in corporate before. A man in power/authority knows the ropes well in the work force, and knows how to delegate the people around him. My reaction when I first read this story was more of caution. Also, a man his age sounds rather tacky playing mental games. I like Maya Angelos quote, "When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time"..In short, this is a preemptive glimpse of who he is or how he functions..

To answer to the subject line that got my attention. I don't think there is anything wrong or out of the ordinary with being attracted to someone who is 'different' or not ideal. I personally admire different, odd, weird, old, lol . I think your just opening your awareness to the idea that love or having a connection to someone goes beyond the physical, and that's a beautiful thing in my book.

[OnceInALifeTime]

I don't doubt myself from a personal angle. I simply am more cautious/stressed on a professional level, as know he will nit-pick on tiny details.

I'm not sure why I'm attracted, because as I said, he might be attractive for his age, but I'm not used to liking people his age.

We get along well whenever we speak on the phone though.

Yesterday, I sent him an email and changed my usual phrasing. I used bullet points and put the ball inn his court saying *I presume you can now start the process for xyz based on the attached*.

He replied, not even a thank you. He nit-picked on something he knows I already know since we worked on many related issues together and he once copied and paste my email to send it to a client. So he knows what Im talking about and starts teaching me things I know. It was trivial, because it's the type of info you teach a new starter and he thought I wasn't aware of the basics?

[Jack of Spades]

OnceInALifeTime - To me the fact that he makes you feel painfully insecure is a warning sign. That's often a red flag. A person who can "suck away" your confidence like that is very likely the type of person who wants to dominate you.

Manipulative people do just this: First they - often by their mere presence - take away your confidence, then they offer to give it back at a price. Be warned. There can't be a normal relationship with such a person, it's a constant state of them holding your confidence hostage and only momentarily giving it back.

Maybe part of your attraction to him is simply the fascination of the new experience of being attracted to an older man or a person in a position of authority? If I understood right.

Being attracted to a type of person we haven't been before (f.e. much older/younger), is a "micro first love".

(A necessary reminder; just my point of view, and I obviously could be wrong.)

[OnceInALifeTime]

I don't think it has anything to do with authority being the source of this attraction, since he's not my manager. I don't work in his team, I work in collaboration with them. So, he's got no authority over me.

That said, I agree. He definitely is the type of person who likes to dominate others. He doesn't seem to be like that with other colleagues who call him "very nice", even those who are younger than me. He however seems to be like that with me. An attitude. Maybe because when he first met me, I was a novice and I'm 26, so he views me as a kid. Or he thinks I'm impressionable.

I sent him an email yesterday detailing my analysis. He only replied by explaining to me what a Tax ID looks like! Checking Tax IDs is part of my daily routine! He's fully aware of it, as last time we had an issue with one, I sent a person an email explaining what a Tax ID looked like (he was in cc.). Then, he copied and pasted my own email and sent it to the client. Today, he retreived that information to explain to me something he knows I'm fully aware of. That's the basic knowledge for this job. Please.

Today, I blatantly replied to his email " Hi XYZ, Thank you, I'm aware. Yadi yada ..." and ended by wishing him a pleasant day.

Honestly, he's clearly belittling me purposely. He knows I have two Bachelors degree and a Masters degree in law, so I'm clearly not an idiot.

In fact, I don't like the idea that he's older, so I'm not exactly fascinated by the older guy novelty.

Part of me feels as though he enjoys having this leverage due to his seniority.

[In Flux]

Hi OnceInALifeTime, I think you are handling it well now :-). Some people are always going to be annoying to deal with but there are ways to minimize their impact.

About the attraction bit, I recently (finally) realized that attraction *can* happen quite independently from what we value in people. I wish I had realized that sooner...

[OnceInALifeTime]

Thanks :)

I think I have understood that with certain people, you have to be bluntly assertive. I feel a bit more in control now. I'm adamant he didn't see that one coming. I'm usually more passive/reserved, but that's not how you progress.

[OnceInALifeTime]

Hi all,

So, there has been some progress on this situation ... a bit.

As I said, I had told him we might cross paths again. When he asked the exact dates two weeks ago, he replied me he was sorry to hear that he'd be on holidays during that time.

I never call him, but I was compelled to last Friday for a work-related issue. He rushed the conversation only to end up asking: "When are you coming again?". When I reminded him, he paused for a while and said: "Well, I'll be in the office, so I'll see you then".


This is weird. Two weeks ago, he was going to be on holidays. Then, two days ago, he said he'd be there. Ok.

I'm not saying he changed his plans for me (obviously not), but him bringing up the subject a third time when I had told him via email twice, it makes me think he's playing some kind of game. What's the point?

[CrystalSong]

Originally Posted by OnceInALifeTime

....but him bringing up the subject a third time when I had told him via email twice, it makes me think he's playing some kind of game.

It has appeared so to me all along.