After the jail incident with my husband day before, and all the money he wasted getting the truck back from impound, the bail, a costly attorney and the possibility of him losing his license for a year, (o.k. so don't get me wrong; he IS the love of my life and a fabulous man.) He does provide for me and my son, he is kind and loving and loyal...but still... dang it.
I had already worked 7 days straight and was exhausted. My son is failing senior year and thinks he's depressed...and a family issue popped up ...major trigger... hubby's ******* daughter,( correct term for a child not having a known father-he allowed his ex to pin it on him with no blood test.) She is attempting to slink her way back into his heart after she and her Mother underhandedly stole his entire inheritance from his alcoholic step-mother after his Father died. Soap opera screen writers would be clamoring for this story, I tell you. It is way out there.
Everything built up and I thought about walking away and how much better things would go if I quelled the firestorm building inside of me. I saw the morning go by peacefully with me consoling him on his terrible night. But then he decided to sleep in and go to work late and I began to smolder.
I transformed into a red vibrating arrow. I felt my innards tighten. My jaw set. My blood ran hot. I awoke him out of a dead sleep and demanded he get up and go to work. I screamed every horrible thing I could at my husband. He screamed terrible things back to me. I screamed louder and followed him from room to room. We threw shoes at each other, (but we secretly tried to miss.) We threw blow dryers at the wall. I tried to throw the new 'kirby' vacuum cleaner (which is his pride and joy,) down a full flight of steps but he stopped me so I threw it through the bedroom door. Then we both kicked down the door until the hinges ripped off and it crashed to the carpet in shredded chunks of particle board. I never knew the inside of a door was hollow.
He screamed divorce, said he was leaving and I cried hysterically and tried to make up. I begged, pleaded and manipulated. He left and came back crying. We held each other and cried. I felt closer to him than ever. We were with each other again. I sealed the chaos of life behind an imaginary brick and mortar wall with roses and thorns case something from the outside world tried to penetrate our lovely cocoon. We were safe in each others arms.
Then we decided to pull it back together and move forward and love each other. We cleaned up the wreck. Luckily my son was at school. He's never seen us fight. It is so rare. We then had a lovely cup of coffee together on our way to Home Depot to order the new door. The clerk raised his eyebrows at our mutilated door that we embarrassingly had to bring in for him to measure. I told him we had a temper tantrum and the lady at the other desk overheard that and snickered. I think she understood about rage and the destroying of hollow doors and I felt a secret comraderie with her.
In Tao...I have learned that the worst situations often turn out to be blessings. My husband's giant dose of humility at being thrown in jail for the night drowned out his arrogance over getting a huge raise 3 weeks ago. He actually did some heavy bonding with my teen age son and they talked for 2 hours about serious stuff last night.
I'm thinking maybe I might say "No," to my boss the next time she asks me to take on 3 extra shifts in a week. That will be hard as I aim to please to the point of my detriment.
I feel good about the tantrum. I know it may not sound spiritual to you but for me it was cleansing and needed. Like the Tower card in tarot...a red dawn emerged... sprawling out like a field of fresh cut green grass with the scent of wild onions.
And I love my humaness. I believe to be human is to be Tao. I might strive for the ideal of floating peacefully down a river...but there is a gorge ahead and a deep churning pool beneath. It is in my inner nature to be the waterfall and the stream...the wind...and the hurricane....I am o.k. with who I am and who I am is a follower of the Way. No matter how many times I fall into the ditch I can climb back on the path.
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