weird how that happened

[ragdoll]

Went and "buried" my grandpa yesterday. We weren't close. I could sit all day and analyze why. But I saw him alive last, last year. I knew he was dying and couldn't bring myself to see him after. I know it wouldn't have stopped it. I think I was just so traumatized by seeing my grandma die for years when I was a kid. Like it took years. Anyhow. I get plagued with thoughts of death randomly. I couldn't do it again. I feel bad but I couldnt.

But I felt bad I didn't see him again before he died. When the funeral guy was taking his ashes away I sort of panicked and was like, "wwhere are they taking him?" My sister took me to where my other grandma, his wife was. When we got there a little hummingbird was waiting by the entrance. It flew away when we got there. They put the ashes in little cubbies and I told my sister it reminded me of a post office. But when she showed me where they were going to put my grandpa a guy showed up with a cart and there were the ashes! He undid the marble in front of the cubby and then asked if one of us wanted to put the ashes in. My sister started crying and said no so I said I would. I got to put the ashes in there and saw my grandma's ashes, and I was the last one to touch the urn before being put away forever.

I feel so grateful for that chance but also unworthy. I could have done so much more but I didnt. I don't know if that was how it was supposed to be or what.

I guess I'm just kind of feeling lost. So many people have died in the past 3 years. I'm kind of getting freaked out by it. I remember saying to myself last night that even though we weren't close they were constant and now all that is changing and I guess I'm just not prepared.

Hope you feel better soon but it may take a while. Bereavement is one of the most stressful things in people's lives even if we pay too little attention to the relative while they're here.

I wanted to reply so that you know someone acknowledged your story and could, as best as they can, sympathise with your feelings. People leave us like this and our best is to wish them well on their way, peace and, if they become spirit to know that they were loved. Even if you felt somewhat remote when he was alive, his departure brought you very close. Now give it a little time.

Wishing you peace and love,
L

[CrystalSong]

Your Grandfather knows everything know, understands your feelings, that you did what you could and how all the deaths have impacted you. Everything. I think the Hummingbird was a bit of a sign even.
That's one of the cool things about the OtherSide - we have access to everything and can send little messages back. :)

Take the time you need to grieve, but please don't blame yourself in anyway. Grief is hard so be easy and loving on yourself.