How to let go of expectations?

[Mused]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

Expectations are root cause of suffering. Indeed. But it seems so hard to not expect anything at all. When we love someone so much, it's natural to want to be loved back. When we do something good for someone close, it's natural for us to want at least acknowledgement (and not being taken for granted). If we prioritize someone, sometimes we can't help but want to hold the same importance in their life, too. But if expectations are wrong, how can I stop expecting these silly things from the people I love?

it won't happen out of the blue.
i say the first step is to lower the expectations.
then, analyze the person you want certain things from: if they treat you differently than others around them, perhaps they simply don't see you the same way you see them. you might need to find some other people to care for, others who will be better friends.
if they treat everyone the same way, indifferently, maybe they just don't know how or are afraid of showing affection.

for instance, me and my best friend we express affection differently: me through actions [i do something nice for her, like cooking let's say] and her through gestures [hugs, nice warm words]..

learn how to read these behaviours too, and it might give you some peace of mind

[was too lazy to read the thread, so i hope i didn't repeat something already said]

[Visitor]

Originally Posted by lilith

Thank you Visitor.
What if unconditional love is forever there, because it is in us. But I set up a boundary (condition) because I'm doing all the giving and the other is taking... I did exploitative act for affection? Unconditional love and self-respect are mutually exclusive?

Hello lilith.
Unconditional love is an expression of what is true. And the truth is within us. That is how we recognize the truth when we here it.

If a person's love was unconditional then that person is loving the love that loves them, and nothing else. They would not acknowledge, or consider, if they were doing all the loving and the other is taking. Unconditional love is free from wanting anything from the other in return. It is simply loving the other persons truth.

Exploitative act for affection is baiting the other for some return affection for the conditional affection shown. It is an act because it is not natural, it is put on for personal gain. Many may not see this because it is confronting, or so subtly denied that they won't want to see it.

Co-dependency describes how one person baits the other by 'people pleasing' to get some validation in return. It works for awhile, then the other starts to take the 'pleasing' for granted and stop showing validation. The 'people pleaser' gets angry and tells the other that they give all the love while the other takes it all (without validation). After the disagreement, the other partner starts the 'people pleasing' to keep the peace....and so the cycle continues. To break this cycle, both partners to need to understand co-dependency, and when one starts to expect too much from the other, they remind each other to stop 'people pleasing' and start looking after themselves for awhile. For instance, if a partner expects dinner all the time without being grateful, the other will say, "I am not people pleasing today so you can make your own dinner. Both partners will then know that they fell into co-dependency again, and without argument each make their own dinner.

So, in this conditional arrangement, the best solution is inter-dependency. This means that they are equally independent and co-dependent in a mutual way. But a person who is loving unconditionally loves without want.

[Flora]

I don't think that expectations are bad. They show you what you are and what you think in some way....so they ARE you.

Try to accept them just as you should accept yourself, your faults and so on.
When you think of expectations, say that it's ok they are there and that you can "listen" to them and accept them just the way they are.

[lilith]

Originally Posted by Visitor

If a person's love was unconditional then that person is loving the love that loves them, and nothing else. They would not acknowledge, or consider, if they were doing all the loving and the other is taking. Unconditional love is free from wanting anything from the other in return. It is simply loving the other persons truth.

Thank you.
Loving love (how would we define it, a state of mind?) without loving or liking the person, the ego? What is tricky in it is blindness and naiveness in situations where such person gets into abusive relationship. Not just what you described codependency, which progresses into inter-dependency where give and take is naturally balanced. But where the love may feel and seem like the truth you're talking about, but in fact you're being presented a lie, illusion.
I understand the concepts, but I'm trying to practically imply it, and to me it seems impossible to really practice pure love on earth. Such a person, a saint, couldn't last here, unless they're truly "lucky". People deceive and exploit each other more and more. Sorry if I'm taking it too far...

[Melahin]

Originally Posted by lilith

I understand the concepts, but I'm trying to practically imply it, and to me it seems impossible to really practice pure love on earth. Such a person, a saint, couldn't last here, unless they're truly "lucky". People deceive and exploit each other more and more. Sorry if I'm taking it too far...

It is just that things often go sideways when we haven't done the energy work of being in alignment with our desires before we act on them, so how can you expect to hit the mark if you aren't focused on your aim? But you don't have to be a saint, just have to not buy into all the bull that muddies the waters There is a tantric proverb that say: Life unfolds itself according to your state of bliss

[Visitor]

Originally Posted by lilith

... But where the love may feel and seem like the truth you're talking about, but in fact you're being presented a lie, illusion.
I understand the concepts, but I'm trying to practically imply it, and to me it seems impossible to really practice pure love on earth. Such a person, a saint, couldn't last here, unless they're truly "lucky". People deceive and exploit each other more and more. Sorry if I'm taking it too far...

Hello lilith.
I have a few reminders for myself which are now fairly automatic. The most important one is tension. If I am tense in any way it is because I am struggling with nonacceptance and fear. Then I ask myself what am I afraid of. then I face it and accept it. Generally all this happens within a few seconds.

Today my friend decided to do something completely different to our usual routine. We were about to go for coffee when she just turned and said 'I'll see you later" and walked off. I said "Okay", and turned to go back home. During that transition I felt fear of rejection, faced the fact that she is entitled to do what she wants, and that I am still okay even if I never saw her again. Actually I regard being privileged to have met her in the first place. I covered all those thoughts in about a second.

We have seen each other, nearly every day, for over a year. This is the first time she has done this. What I am saying is that I try not to take anything for granted.

Ever since I have met her, and visited her place, we always arrange when we will see each other again. I always knock on her door, and ask to see her, even though she expects me to turn up. Every time I see her I feel blessed, and every time I leave her I feel privileged to have met her again. It is never taken for granted, and always refreshing as if meeting her for the first time.

When we no longer expect, and not take things for granted, we are more attuned with what is true.
And if we miss the deception, we know that the deceiver was acting out of fear and not out of truth and love.
That truth alone can only bring concern and love for the deceiver, for they have not freed themselves to be honest.

Yes, it is possible to be unconditional, one day at a time, from moment to moment. It's about acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.
This acceptance is to whatever is true, it is not submission to fears.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Visitor

Hello lilith.
My words in blue

Because it isn't mutually unconditional so that is reflected back to us?
That is an interesting way to put it. That is, the conditions put on it could be reflected back inversely. Such as, 'if I love you I expect love in return. But if my invested love gets no return, I will feel unloved and used for me love.'
But the truth is, there was no real love, it was conditional. In other words, it was an exploitative act for affection.

Visitor...I agree that authentic love is there regardless.
But authentic love loves the self equally to the other, and the other equallyt to the self. Authentic love seeks the highest good of the other equally to the self and the self, equally to the other.

Authentic love does not need to be returned ("I love you too"). But authentic love can and does also mean I will not share physical intimacy with you if you are not in the same place of mutuality in authentic love in partnership, because I seek my highest good in authentic love, equally to yours.

Meaning, we can be authentically loving friends and share a platonic authentic love in friendship...or we can even not be friends and I will send you authentic love from afar.

But it is up to me to determine what is authentically loving for myself, equally to you. My authentic love extends to the self as well as to others. And from a place of authentic love, I do not share physical intimacy with one who does not share a mutual authentic love for me. It does not mean I do not authentically love you or whomever...but it simply means that my lovingkindness does not automatically include physicality.

In no way and by no means does physicality have anything to do with authentic love, unless we centre that physicality within the context of authentic love.

To have physical intimacy (meaning a sexual relationship) which is authentically loving means we first get to know and authentically love one another as people and as friends. Not as sexual partners. Within the context of authentically loving friends who have come to deeply know and deeply treasure one another in friendship, we may mutually agree to seek one another's highest good in the context of an authentically loving partnership. If we cannot freely live from a place of mutuality in authentically loving partnership up front and again in each new day, then we should simply be as 99.99999999999% of humanity should ideally be with one another...i.e., authentically loving friends, acquaintances, or even strangers, living in expression of lovingkindness toward one another.

Unconditional love is an expression of what is true. And the truth is within us. That is how we recognize the truth when we here it.

That is correct...and that truth is for each of us to say regarding what is authentically loving for each of us, equally to all others.

Most women will set boundaries on physicality and that is our right. In authentic love. With the deepest respect, it is not for you or anyone else to tell someone that what he or she says is right for them in authentic love of self, is somehow limited. She is being her own authentically loving self and she is learning to honour and love the self equally to others, just as so many of us have. Her body is equally sacred, and it is not for others to determine how we engage authentically in love. Physicality in the form of sexual intimacy is absolutely not a requirement for authentic love and can never be demanded or expected.

When you experience her life and all our lives as women, then you can speak your truth as a woman And yet even still, her right to her truth in love is sacrosanct and must ultimately be respected by all, including all men, who must accept that women too have all rights to their person and their own authentic love of self, equally to all others' rights to the same. And these are celebrated aspects of our being, to be cherished and respected, in authentic love.

Peace & blessings,
7L

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by lilith

Thank you.
Loving love (how would we define it, a state of mind?) without loving or liking the person, the ego? What is tricky in it is blindness and naiveness in situations where such person gets into abusive relationship. Not just what you described codependency, which progresses into inter-dependency where give and take is naturally balanced. But where the love may feel and seem like the truth you're talking about, but in fact you're being presented a lie, illusion.
I understand the concepts, but I'm trying to practically imply it, and to me it seems impossible to really practice pure love on earth. Such a person, a saint, couldn't last here, unless they're truly "lucky". People deceive and exploit each other more and more. Sorry if I'm taking it too far...

Lilith, agreed on all points.
Everything you say about harm, abuse, exploitation, and conscious deception is true, is real, and is a majority outcome for anyone who is weaker or more vulnerable. It is even a likely outcome even for the strong and powerful if they engage with those who act and think like they do, predatory, defining your truth in love, and demanding that you comply.

The very root of the problem here is in the first line, which you are understandably not resonating with. An amorphous "love" that does not include and recognise the individual will never be perceived as love by any discerning, awakened individual. Love in human relationships is universal in its extremely personal and individual reality. Love always welcomes you as you are, in all your infinite variety and individuality. Authentic love seeks your highest good equally to others, and others equally to you. You do not come second, and you do not come last. All are equal in spirit and in authentic love.

Authentic love is always specific to the individual in any personal relationship. If someone tells you that they want a sexual relationship without personal love -- that you could be anyone and it is essentially all highly impersonal -- then this sounds more like a convenient arrangement for sex and casual affection. As long as the love is impersonal, then you have no true face, no true voice, and nothing of you is real or need be honoured in any way beyond the most common or superficial.

The individuality of your soul and your presence can only be fully known and honoured with the fullness of an authentic love which meets and embraces your soul and your person on all levels.

But any generic "love" or superficial connection which devalues or ignores the individuality of your person (heart, mind, body) and your soul in order to reduce you to your function (to provide sex and companionship?) is not authentic love in partnership. It is not and cannot ever be a place where you are a loved and valued because you are who you are, where your highest good (which is YOURS to say) is valued by the other equally to their own. It is not and cannot ever be a place where what nurtures your highest good is actually realised, expressed, and freely given by the other.

If you are told that instead you should accept some other generic, impersonal, interchangeable substitute for authentic love, where your highest good matters equally to theirs, then this is clearly not authentic love in partnership. This is simply a man telling you that he wants a sexual relationship that lacks authentic love and lacks or marginalises your truth in love. You could step out, and the next woman could step in, and he would have sex with her instead but nothing has changed within him...because he avoids the depth of authentic love, he does not know, love, or honour either of you on any deep personal level, and it's all the same superficial level of being and doing the sexual partnership thing.

You would be left feeling hollow and turned off, whilst he lords over you his "superior" definition of love which you have to endure -- and to which you must actually aspire to reach by having more impersonal sex (sex with no deeper engagement or meaningful commitment of any kind, where the totality of your unique being is ignored, for months or even for years, like the prior poster mentioned). Sounds like a great deal, right? Call it for what it is...it is not authentic love and it is not in your highest good.

This is IMO more of a modern spiritual spin on the same old thing that many men have been seeking since the pill came out...no-strings sex...but for some or even many, it is still preferable to get the same woman if possible, because her pattern is to bond and to give love (and also to receive it). But so long as the man defines "real love" as impersonal/generic and the relationship as "no strings", the man can take all the authentic love, emotion, support and loving sex that she gives for free ...and meanwhile he has made sure to define it as "just sex" or "no strings", so he is not obliged to care or to commit or engage himself further in any way. His sex is not authentically loving because he is not engaged deeply, so he cannot and does not give authentic love in return to the woman. But he is not obliged to do so, per the parameters he has established. In this manner, he can take the maximum she can offer in this imbalanced situation...and many woman offer all they are and all they have to give...and he gives little to nothing in return aside from sex (and perhaps some casual outings of no particular value or meaning). This is some of the exploitation, abuse, and certainly the codependency you mention that is the likely outcome, and it is inherent in the manipulation of semantics and truth.

Authentic love is truth, and your authentic love of self equally to others means that what many hold up as "love" is simply another route for service to self and exploitation of others, and it's ok to call it what is is...misaligned with spirit. It doesn't mean others are bad or any of that....we are all where we are. But it also doesn't mean they ever have the right to tell you what your highest good is, not to say that what is not authentically in your highest good is authentic love.

You are free to say, no, that is not authentically loving for me, because it does not support my highest good...which is for me to say. And not for you. You are free to say, actually it's this or that instead which is authentically loving for me, because it supports my highest good equally to yours, and yours equally to mine.

Too many men at this moment have used their stirrings of awakening to consciously sully and delay their own journey...and that of the rest of humanity, as well. They are consciously peeing in their own pond. They consciously avoid authentic love because they prefer the easy route of dominating without real love and presence, and they prefer easy sex without the effort of getting to know and love others as they are. Too many are now consciously avoiding an authentically loving and mutually passionate partnership because of the presence, authenticity, and vulnerability that authentic love brings to the moment. But that's not your problem...and it's time for all humanity to take this next step, and to stop exploiting others to avoid doing the hard inner work of opening ourselves to love and spirit and grace.

We as women need to really understand that this is our right as human beings. We need to begin to claim it and live it.
And we need to firmly but with kindness begin to help men understand our truth in love, so that they may learn to try to hear it, respect it, honour it, and finally to live with us in a place of mutuality in authentic love.

Peace & blessings
and much love & light...
7L

[Moonglow]

Hello,

Skimmed through some responses here.

My thoughts drift into; what are expectations?

Why is it one may get so upset when expectations are not met?

So, asking these questions of myself find at the moment it comes down to how I view myself and accept myself.

Believe this may have been touched upon by others in this discussion. Just going to express my feelings on this.

Expectations for me is what may be hoped for. Which is all right to have. But, when these hopes are held so tightly that it makes my thinking rigid, then it seems can cause disruptions.

So, find to be flexible. Life is change and things come up that may throw things a little of course or may not be what is expected.

Now, this does not have to be a negative thing. Like an unexpected phone call from an old friend. Or, a change in living situation which may lead to a better situation.

Sure, people may dissapoint another, may lose that or those loved and it can hurt. But, for me is finding ways to find gratitude and the attitude that these events are not the end all or be all. Just what may occur in life.

To not become bitter, but find the trust and (yes) love with in myself to allow what may come to come. To be grateful what has come and what it has brought.

Be open to the unexpected. Prepare for the future, learn from the past, live now, as best one can, is what comes to mind.

It is normal to expect things and at times what is expected sets a mind frame that may form the focus upon it happening. In this have found I created it to happen in a way. But, it is not another doing it to me, it is I doing it to myself.

Which can go both ways depending upon the attitude taken.

May not be as expected or thought would be, but in a way doesn't this make life a bit more interesting?

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

Expectations are root cause of suffering. Indeed. But it seems so hard to not expect anything at all. When we love someone so much, it's natural to want to be loved back. When we do something good for someone close, it's natural for us to want at least acknowledgement (and not being taken for granted). If we prioritize someone, sometimes we can't help but want to hold the same importance in their life, too. But if expectations are wrong, how can I stop expecting these silly things from the people I love?

Hey there hellabomer...loads of good input on this thread. If you read over the last several posts, I hope my input is also helpful to you.

Peace & blessings,
& much love & light
7L