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  #21  
Old 24-06-2018, 07:00 PM
Lightseer Lightseer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
My submission and subservience really has nothing to do imho.

Why did I wait so long before asserting myself and not speak up?

I can just imagine it now...

Me: "I was here first...serve me first...they are pushing in".
Other person: "Prove it! she is lying! I was here before her, so I should be served first!"
Me: "Would you like to accompany me to the parking lot and we shall let our fists decide who was here first?"
Me: *takes out knife and stabs them anyway*

There is a reason why I am like I am... It is more preferable to the alternative...hang around here for a bit longer and you may get to know and even like me.

What is the reason? That would help to get to know you better.

I don't know if you are aware of it but you have come across as being defensive. The way you think I have made assumptions based on not knowing you but I deliberately avoided that, I only based my post on what you posted as it is not possible to know someone from a couple of forum posts! That and you assume I do not like you. To be honest I have no idea as I do not know you well enough to like you or not.

Your dialogue and narrative of what might have happened if you had asserted yourself is odd and quite extreme. Why would you assume someone might stab you, or otherwise get violent, just for you asserting yourself in a queue? It does match your other post of where you perceived your head would be cut off and then you gave in and surrendered to another's will. That was my point, there are parallels in your thoughts (as described by you only - not assumed) and actions you posted. It was just an observation. Anyone on the spiritual path understands we must listen to others if we are to learn, and some of that comes from observations of ourselves from others, sometimes uncomfortable ones.
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  #22  
Old 24-06-2018, 07:17 PM
Lightseer Lightseer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
...and of course, my Higher Self reminds me that this is why those with genocidal tendencies like to do everything online as it is the "way of the future" and covers everything from grocery shopping, to paying bills, to having spiritual conversations.

But you are online having 'spiritual conversations' yourself!

Why would you assume people who shop online want to kill people and are more likely to be violent? Surely those types would be more likely to go to physical shopping places to cause trouble? Also, not sure if you realise but genocidal means to want to destroy and kill by race or ethnic group.

And what about disabled, sick and elderly who shop etc. online?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
With the world's population growing more than the world can support it, wouldn't human ingenuity come up with a formal queue ticketing or appointment system for those who want to do things the "old way" by going into the bank to make a transaction, going into a shop to be served or going into the utility company to pay a bill?

But surely if more people do stuff online that means less queues and surely then you would want that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
Also, people should be given the option to pay for VIP service like at restaurants and clubs because hitting the "hip Pocket nerve" will sort out the 'men' from the 'boys' as it were and I wouldn't mind paying like ten bucks to get served first... especially since I WAS first...However, bribing five people to let me go next is a bit out of my budget.

A truly spiritual person should seek to bring equality to all beings, not create more division and inequality. If you can afford to throw away $10 that is okay for you (you can't say you "wouldn't mind" paying $10 to jump a queue if it really was "out of your budget") but what about the 80% plus in the world who live in poverty, including hundreds of millions in the USA alone who rely on food banks etc.

The next time you're in that situation talk to the people in the queue. I find that people are mostly fair and if you just talk to them it can mostly be sorted out. Also, the person serving knows who was there and who wasn't five minutes before so just speak up for yourself and you'll be fine. Just do it is a way that isn't confrontational. One problem you might be having (from what you have written) seems to be that you assume confrontation and so you put out all the body language and tone of voice that makes people assume you are "up for it" and then they will start on you.

I've never had anything like the problems you describe and I've been in plenty of places with tension, long waits, long queues and similar.

Often we get what we project and you should consider projecting peaceful respect instead of confrontation. Try it!
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  #23  
Old 25-06-2018, 12:41 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightseer
But you are online having 'spiritual conversations' yourself!

Why would you assume people who shop online want to kill people and are more likely to be violent? Surely those types would be more likely to go to physical shopping places to cause trouble? Also, not sure if you realise but genocidal means to want to destroy and kill by race or ethnic group.

And what about disabled, sick and elderly who shop etc. online?



But surely if more people do stuff online that means less queues and surely then you would want that?



A truly spiritual person should seek to bring equality to all beings, not create more division and inequality. If you can afford to throw away $10 that is okay for you (you can't say you "wouldn't mind" paying $10 to jump a queue if it really was "out of your budget") but what about the 80% plus in the world who live in poverty, including hundreds of millions in the USA alone who rely on food banks etc.

The next time you're in that situation talk to the people in the queue. I find that people are mostly fair and if you just talk to them it can mostly be sorted out. Also, the person serving knows who was there and who wasn't five minutes before so just speak up for yourself and you'll be fine. Just do it is a way that isn't confrontational. One problem you might be having (from what you have written) seems to be that you assume confrontation and so you put out all the body language and tone of voice that makes people assume you are "up for it" and then they will start on you.

I've never had anything like the problems you describe and I've been in plenty of places with tension, long waits, long queues and similar.

Often we get what we project and you should consider projecting peaceful respect instead of confrontation. Try it!
Do I really come across as defensive and confrontational?

I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I am on the Autism spectrum and I totally lack any "theory of mind".

Maybe some of it has to do with the fact I had a narcissistic, psychotic, serial pedophile for a father who is now rotting the rest of his life away in jail...and I was one of his victims.

I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I was raised by a borderline schizophrenic mother who was active in the White Supremacist/Neo Nazi movement.

I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I have spent the past 20 years living like a agoraphobic hermit in my own home because I lack ANY social skills whatsoever (and have severe developmental delays when it comes to learning them).

I guess that I have spent the best part of the past 10 years meditating and focusing wholly on God, simply because I had nothing better to do and nobody else to talk to...except for during the past three years when I reached out online and found this forum.

I guess that part of it has to do with the fact my own child abandoned me some 15 years ago with " you're totally insane and I'm outta here" and I haven't heard from her since.

...and I guess that these new meds the doctor has put me on for PTSD is having many unwanted side effects like paranoia, irritability, hallucinations and obsessive thinking.

I also guess that raising my Kundalini two years ago through meditation and God worship, leading to a whole host of neurological disorders in addition to the bliss of Nirvana/Samadhi, just put the whole sweet icing on the s***-cake.

Now you may understand...come at me. (as a matter of speech in a non confrontational way).
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  #24  
Old 25-06-2018, 07:12 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubbles
As Gandhi said, you be the change you want the see in the world, don't tell them. Act, don't preach. I don't know why I fall in this trap, I see someone on reddit or any other social place, I try to open a door for them, be it meditation benefits or praying, chakras understanding and their logic, SR/SE practices etc... and all I get is responses from ignorant teenagers that talk back like experts, with absolutely 0 knowledge on the subject. I am not even sure why I am triggered. I think is because at the root of my intention, it was for a good cause, to help, to open a door for one who needs it to progress further. To see that you do not have to take a pill like lithium and xanax to numb your mind when instead you could take a spiritual approach, find the root of your problems, find balance, find joy, find yourself etc. I don't know why I get triggered, I usually wouldn't care. But I think I'm done. There's so much more for me to learn and practice. It is my fault I open my mouth in the wrong places. And then I realize, I am going to become selfish. Selfish in the way that I am no longer going to care into sharing knowledge with 'common' people that have no knowledge on 'spiritual' matters. It only arises annoyance and leads to empty talks with no real arguments. I will focus more on mastering what I know, on learning more and if I wish to speak about it, only do so in the appropriate places. Sure, in 'real world' I'm not making this mistake, I can read a person fairly easy. On the internet, I assume everybody is more open minded, but you never know when you are speaking with/or being replied by a 15 years old kid. I'm going to become selfish, for my own good.
I am going back to this one.

There's a difference between being selfish and being discerning about who you tell what to, and often one cannot tell the difference between one who needs help, or who is genuinely interested in what you have to say, and another who is basically "baiting" you to find out how much you know, so that they can begin their little game of "one upmanship".

With me, people who ask me anything come to the very quick conclusion that they have "bitten off more than they can chew" and then I don't see them for dust and basically never see them again.

It is terribly frustrating for me to dumb it all down and say/post no more than a sentence or two...dishing knowledge out like vintage wine..until the next time they ask...it is like people taking ten years to read a book, but by the time they are half way through it, they have totally forgotten what the first half is about...and you should consider yourself lucky that these 15 year olds aren't wetting their pants and crying for mommy..which is the reaction that I typically get.
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  #25  
Old 25-06-2018, 07:31 AM
Tomma Tomma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
I am going back to this one.

There's a difference between being selfish and being discerning about who you tell what to, and often one cannot tell the difference between one who needs help, or who is genuinely interested in what you have to say, and another who is basically "baiting" you to find out how much you know, so that they can begin their little game of "one upmanship".

With me, people who ask me anything come to the very quick conclusion that they have "bitten off more than they can chew" and then I don't see them for dust and basically never see them again.

It is terribly frustrating for me to dumb it all down and say/post no more than a sentence or two...dishing knowledge out like vintage wine..until the next time they ask...it is like people taking ten years to read a book, but by the time they are half way through it, they have totally forgotten what the first half is about...and you should consider yourself lucky that these 15 year olds aren't wetting their pants and crying for mommy..which is the reaction that I typically get.

Shivani, for what it's worth, I like you a lot!

I may not always agree with what you say but I like the way you express yourself - frank and authentic. Badamm! You're a breath of fresh air. And highly intelligent I suspect. And yes that can be frustrating at times I can imagine.

You're okay Shivani, don't worry about a thing Don't change. I mean, yes change, but don't change, if you know what I mean Enjoy yourself.
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  #26  
Old 25-06-2018, 07:46 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomma
Shivani, for what it's worth, I like you a lot!

I may not always agree with what you say but I like the way you express yourself - frank and authentic. Badamm! You're a breath of fresh air. And highly intelligent I suspect. And yes that can be frustrating at times I can imagine.

You're okay Shivani, don't worry about a thing Don't change. I mean, yes change, but don't change, if you know what I mean Enjoy yourself.
Thank you, my dear and that means a lot to me.

I like you too.

I understand what you mean though and I just need to keep reminding myself that no matter how "intelligent" I am, there is certain knowledge that is to be kept sacred and hidden for good reason...even if this forms the bulk of what I know...and to have a bit more patience, maybe putting the rituals into practice more, like the OP says...then when I can move objects or set Fire to paper with a glance, I will know that it's time...

*Goes and does some Yellow Bamboo training and put in practice what all the Bali Shamans have taught me...I guess that I was the only one who found "Eat Pray Love" totally hilarious..*
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  #27  
Old 25-06-2018, 08:10 AM
Tomma Tomma is offline
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Lol


Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
I like you too.


Thank you I have to go sleep now ....
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  #28  
Old 25-06-2018, 03:29 PM
Lightseer Lightseer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
Do I really come across as defensive and confrontational?

I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I am on the Autism spectrum and I totally lack any "theory of mind".

Maybe some of it has to do with the fact I had a narcissistic, psychotic, serial pedophile for a father who is now rotting the rest of his life away in jail...and I was one of his victims.

I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I was raised by a borderline schizophrenic mother who was active in the White Supremacist/Neo Nazi movement.

I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I have spent the past 20 years living like a agoraphobic hermit in my own home because I lack ANY social skills whatsoever (and have severe developmental delays when it comes to learning them).

I guess that I have spent the best part of the past 10 years meditating and focusing wholly on God, simply because I had nothing better to do and nobody else to talk to...except for during the past three years when I reached out online and found this forum.

I guess that part of it has to do with the fact my own child abandoned me some 15 years ago with " you're totally insane and I'm outta here" and I haven't heard from her since.

...and I guess that these new meds the doctor has put me on for PTSD is having many unwanted side effects like paranoia, irritability, hallucinations and obsessive thinking.

I also guess that raising my Kundalini two years ago through meditation and God worship, leading to a whole host of neurological disorders in addition to the bliss of Nirvana/Samadhi, just put the whole sweet icing on the s***-cake.

Now you may understand...come at me. (as a matter of speech in a non confrontational way).

I have worked with people with Autism spectrum disorder so I understand it fully. I have also treated PTSD in people. It is my profession.

It is interesting the way you have highlighted how it can add to people's problems and difficulties if they approach certain spiritual (which are all of course psychological anyway) practices without having resolved, or have at least stabilised, their conditions. It can also be a major issue if the person is on medication if they just start deep spiritual practices.

If you truly have no one to talk to offline then you could approach that, maybe through your therapist? You really shouldn't be having that much problems with your meds, your doctor is there to help you manage any side effects and to minimise them. Clearly you are suffering and from what you say your side effects are out of control, no one should have to tolerate that no matter what meds they are on. Talk to your doctor and try some other meds if they deem necessary. You shouldn't have to deal with out of control meds side effect as well as the problems you are taking them for!

I assume you are seeing a therapist as meds alone with not treat PTSD and your doctor should know this and have referred you to a therapist. Also your childhood sexual abuse experiences cannot be healed with meds or the spiritual practices you are doing, you need professional therapy.

No amount of forum sympathy or online *hugs* emoticons will ever help you. Your pain is deep and have been around for a long time. There is help out there but you need to get your doctor to sort out the meds and get you a good therapist.

Could you reconcile with your child? 15 years is a long time and it can all be water under the bridge if you both want it to be. Maybe when your meds are more stable, which could take a few weeks or more, you could use your therapists advice to approach a reconciliation that would really help you and bring some joy into your life.

From where you say you are now you describe it as "a s*** cake" so I assume from that you are not happy. You also say many things that indicate that you feel very unhappy. You obviously are trying to use spiritual ways to improve your life, which is in fact making things worse. From all of that you sound like you must have a desire to improve your life? So why tolerate bad meds and a life of no one offline in real life to talk to and an estranged grown child when you can do something about all of these? It is all in your hands.

I wish you well.
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  #29  
Old 25-06-2018, 03:29 PM
Lightseer Lightseer is offline
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The post doubled posted itself so editing this one so there aren't two posts the same.
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  #30  
Old 26-06-2018, 03:14 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciated that. Sorry if my reply, in turn, is going to read like a book...an autobiography, but this is going to make all the difference here and may also change the whole perspective. Please bear with me and have patience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightseer
I have worked with people with Autism spectrum disorder so I understand it fully. I have also treated PTSD in people. It is my profession.
May I be so inquisitive as to ask what that profession is? also, what are your treatment methods for PTSD?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightseer
It is interesting the way you have highlighted how it can add to people's problems and difficulties if they approach certain spiritual (which are all of course psychological anyway) practices without having resolved, or have at least stabilised, their conditions. It can also be a major issue if the person is on medication if they just start deep spiritual practices.
I am not sure how it can 'add to people's problems', as I can only see things from my own point of view. All I can say in regards to that, is that while ever these problems exist, with the attachment to them/influence of them, certain spiritual goals and ideals (spiritual growth) comes to an abrupt standstill and cannot be enjoyed, realised or actuated because 'psychological problems' get in the way.

These 'deep spiritual practices' are something that have been with me all my life, basically and it isn't something I have just started...it is nothing new.

In fact, it all began with me at age 14, when my father was on assignment in Malaysia and we all went with him.

During that time, my father and mother went to this Hindu festival called Thaipusam (at Batu Caves) to take photos for a travel guide (my father's job) and I tagged along.

Now, to witness people's bodies being totally mutilated with poles, spears, giant fish hooks, knives...no blood, no pain and they were all smiling and laughing or in trance and blissed out to the max in absolute love and joy was quite impressionable...it left me going "whatever they are on, I want some of THAT!"

I saw a picture, a representation of Hindu Divinity which had a profound effect on me...to this very day...so I prayed "I don't know who or what you are, but I would love to find out more about you".

I returned to my hotel room, went to make my bed and had to move it away from the wall...underneath the bed, I saw a book...all dusty and tattered like it had been there for months "Lord Siva and His Worship" by Swami Sivananda...my prayers had been answered.

Over the next 5 years or so, I studied Sanskrit, read the Vedas, the Upanishads the Agamas and Sutras...the Bhagavad Gita, Mahabharata and Ramayana...all in the original Devanagari and because I have a photographic and eidetic memory (possibly due to my ASD), I could recall it all in full script and detail...and I have never forgotten anything that I have learned, read, heard or seen throughout my entire life.

I somehow knew that this was my 'path' and my 'calling' and I also understood that attributing spirituality to mere psychological process could only take one so far.

When I was 16, my family got a posting in Bali, Indonesia and I was 'in my element' there. By that time, most of the abuse had stopped (after I threatened my father with a loaded shotgun) and I was basically left alone and to 'fend for myself' so I moved up to the Beraskih temple in Ubud and fell in with the local tribespeople...many nights were spent learning their ways, watching feats of human endurance, watching entranced young girls stand on the heads of others...have other girls stand on their heads..studying the Balinese martial art of Yellow Bamboo...watching all the puppet shows, the monkey dances, people walking on fire and rolling about in burning coals...seeing people get 'possessed' by nature spirits...this was the happiest time of my life and others said they could see the light of Shiva shining out from my heart...and I could feel this too....it was all around...the atmosphere was thick with it.

When I was 18, we came back to Australia and I immediately joined the Theosophical Society, the Self-Realisation Fellowship, the Satyananda Ashram and The Hare Krishna Movement (although being a devotee of Lord Shiva, I didn't stay there for long) and started practicing meditation and kriya yoga. It seemed that my 'social awkwardness' did not matter when I was in a group of others who seemed totally oblivious to their surroundings because the Divine had their FULL attention...and I was able to join in that...I so much enjoyed going to Satsanga and participating in the Kirtans, playing various musical instruments like the Tabla, Dholak, Manjeera and Harmonium...I was part of that whole 'vibration' and felt no distinction from it...all in the name of a Celestial Being I loved with all my heart...everything I was...

When I was 21, I married my Yoga teacher, a Hindu Brahmin priest and sadhu some 20 years my senior who gave up his vows to make me his wife..

There will be more in the next post...my fingers are getting sore and I am becoming tired.
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