Would you date a separated but still married person?

[innerlight]

Now I will admit that I have not really read this entire thread, as it has gone on for quite some time now, and it has gotten pretty long responses well. I have glanced it a few times, and skimmed some of the responses.

I have noticed a couple things with this thread. The first one being. The OP has not replied to any of this, and as such probably either already had their answer before they posted, or just was not that interested in it.

The second being.. How very sexist this thread has become. What is interesting is that it's really just male bashing in this thread. Of how men won't commit. Men will sleep with you, and string you along for years with no intention of leaving their partner. Etc, etc. On behalf of all males everywhere, I apologize for their behavior, and am sorry, that you all have been hurt by males. I think perhaps some forgiveness and love needs to happen here.

I also think it would be silly to just say that only men do all of this, and that a women would never do such a thing. Which, is not even true. I've also been in such a situation where a women was not able to let go, and be done with their ex, no matter how toxic or abusive that relationship was.

So let's all just agree that there are party fouls on both sides of the coin.

Carry on.

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by innerlight

Now I will admit that I have not really read this entire thread, as it has gone on for quite some time now, and it has gotten pretty long responses well. I have glanced it a few times, and skimmed some of the responses.

I have noticed a couple things with this thread. The first one being. The OP has not replied to any of this, and as such probably either already had their answer before they posted, or just was not that interested in it.

The second being.. How very sexist this thread has become. What is interesting is that it's really just male bashing in this thread. Of how men won't commit. Men will sleep with you, and string you along for years with no intention of leaving their partner. Etc, etc. On behalf of all males everywhere, I apologize for their behavior, and am sorry, that you all have been hurt by males. I think perhaps some forgiveness and love needs to happen here.

I also think it would be silly to just say that only men do all of this, and that a women would never do such a thing. Which, is not even true. I've also been in such a situation where a women was not able to let go, and be done with their ex, no matter how toxic or abusive that relationship was.

So let's all just agree that there are party fouls on both sides of the coin.

Carry on.

To be fair the anti male mindset only seems to be in a lot of posts, but its only really one poster .. often.

Its the Voldermort of the thread I.e the bias cannot be mentioned aloud.

An undercurrent that I have come to understand the reasoning for but unfortunately it appears to be a sounding board. You'll likely get an ear bashing for saying so ... or I will ..

A tad unfair I agree.

Once again its the odd philosophy of punishing the many for the actions of a few - I really don't understand it on any of the threads but it happens all over the spiritual forum. It doesn't appear to be intended maliciously but it leads to the same place regardless.

Elsewhere on the boards they wish to ban the word "you" for being an accusatory term ... yes genuinely...
.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by angelic star

Well explained Fairy , interesting about cool off period, I think people who date must take note of that.

Hiya Angelic!
Yes. I don't think we have that over here. But my girlie got married to an American, lived in Texas at the time, she's going to divorce, but Texas has a 2 months cool-off period after you've filed for divorce. Now 2 months is do-able, but 2 years??? That is insane.
Over here it used to be officially possible to ask for separation, but I doubt anyone does that anymore. Not even sure it exists anymore to be honest...
But it's weird that it varies so much per country. Like I said, we're adults, so why should a government have so much say in what we want with our life and/or marital status? To be honest, it's none of their hotdanged business.

[AnneC2013]

I made that mistake 8 years ago I fell madly in love with a person who was seperated not divorce he lived on his own, his wife had a baby with another man so I thought we was doing great he talked about marrying me during our first year together he made it sound as if he had this great purposal only to let me down to tell me after a magical weekend (the day after Valentine’s Day) he was going back to his wife whom seperated from her baby’s father. I was very heart broken I thought he was a perfect soul to me. It took a long time to get over but if I met someone seperated from their significant other I would not ever take that chance again. I’m sorry just my personal expirence left me shattered st that time.

[angelic star]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Hiya Angelic!
Yes. I don't think we have that over here. But my girlie got married to an American, lived in Texas at the time, she's going to divorce, but Texas has a 2 months cool-off period after you've filed for divorce. Now 2 months is do-able, but 2 years??? That is insane.
Over here it used to be officially possible to ask for separation, but I doubt anyone does that anymore. Not even sure it exists anymore to be honest...
But it's weird that it varies so much per country. Like I said, we're adults, so why should a government have so much say in what we want with our life and/or marital status? To be honest, it's none of their hotdanged business.

Yes I understand , 2 years is actually quite insane. And yes separation isn't official anymore.
Also I think adultery is considered a felony in many parts of the world. Like in the US for example Maryland has 10 $ fine but in Massachusettes, person committing adultery can face up to three years in jail.
If we rule out government and the law, in very personal terms also dating a separated but married man, at least in the beginning isn't going to guarantee long term commitment or loyalty.
So what you have said is actually quite right.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Raziel

To be fair the anti male mindset only seems to be in a lot of posts, but its only really one poster .. often.

Its the Voldermort of the thread I.e the bias cannot be mentioned aloud.

An undercurrent that I have come to understand the reasoning for but unfortunately it appears to be a sounding board. You'll likely get an ear bashing for saying so ... or I will ..

A tad unfair I agree.

Once again its the odd philosophy of punishing the many for the actions of a few - I really don't understand it on any of the threads but it happens all over the spiritual forum. It doesn't appear to be intended maliciously but it leads to the same place regardless.

Elsewhere on the boards they wish to ban the word "you" for being an accusatory term ... yes genuinely...
.

Hahahaha...Raziel, who is the ONE person who is doing bad stuff -- as opposed to nearly every single woman who responded in this thread, who also gave their opinion to hold off or reconsider, etc.? You've put everything bad onto this ONE woman and ignored all the other female posters. so let's hear your full accusation, eh, with the poster's name? Is this because it's easier to bully and attack one woman, rather than acknowledge that the women here who have responded all have a voice and you'd have to acknowledge their truths and their stories? Is it that you don't care to acknowledge all these voices, and you'd rather single out individuals and target them for blame and disparagement?

In fact is it you who are labeling someone. In fact it is you who are trying to cast blame and disparagement onto just ONE person.
Or did you not mean what you just said? If so, that's fair and please explain, and cease and desist with disparaging and blaming individual posters.
As otherwise, frankly, why would you even feel the need to do this?
Rather than simply allowing that we ALL have the right to our opinions, courteously put forth?
And that to single one woman out for attack -- in place of ALL the women and their voices which you don't want to acknowledge -- is cowardly and rude, IMO.

And rather than simply allowing that the VAST MAJORITY of the women here (and a few men) have recommended to the OP prudence and to consider carefully due to timing...and/or may have recommended against it altogether?

What you're doing isn't necessary, it's targeted to the person (whoever she may be....), and it's not factually based according to the contents of this thread and the many women who have responded here.

Peace & blessings
7L

[AnneC2013]

I agree with 7 luminaries, shouldn’t we answer eachother respectfully and not put blame or think we are righteous and perfect?? With one does is their business and all the original poster is doing is looking for advice.

[AnneC2013]

If no one has nothing nice to say then don’t respond to anyone’s post..

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by innerlight

Now I will admit that I have not really read this entire thread, as it has gone on for quite some time now, and it has gotten pretty long responses well. I have glanced it a few times, and skimmed some of the responses.

I have noticed a couple things with this thread. The first one being. The OP has not replied to any of this, and as such probably either already had their answer before they posted, or just was not that interested in it.

The second being.. How very sexist this thread has become. What is interesting is that it's really just male bashing in this thread. Of how men won't commit. Men will sleep with you, and string you along for years with no intention of leaving their partner. Etc, etc. On behalf of all males everywhere, I apologize for their behavior, and am sorry, that you all have been hurt by males. I think perhaps some forgiveness and love needs to happen here.

I also think it would be silly to just say that only men do all of this, and that a women would never do such a thing. Which, is not even true. I've also been in such a situation where a women was not able to let go, and be done with their ex, no matter how toxic or abusive that relationship was.

So let's all just agree that there are party fouls on both sides of the coin.

Carry on.

Innerlight, hello there.
I'm sorry for your past hurts and TBH if you had asked as the OP had done, and in a similar situation, I would absolutely have recommended waiting and taking time to know & love each other as ppl whilst someone gets clear and heals from their prior involvement...and particularly, as you are a man, I would urge avoiding those women who are happy to have sex with you with little or no time spent getting to know you and certainly not loving you just for you. As a man, many are particularly vulnerable to predators who used sex to manipulate them, and a lot of borderline personalities fall into this area. Basically, the thing is, no matter how well you may get on casually or at 1st blush, anyone who has sex with you without being emotionally and physically available, AND without getting to know and love you simply for who you are up front, is de facto engaging in a level of predatory or exploitative behaviour...whether male or female, completely agree. And IMO thus there is a fundamental level of trust and respect that cannot be met.

I appreciate your recognition of the experiences of many women and your compassionate mention of their past hurts. That is not the reason I personally advocated for caution and restraint, and ideally to wait a bit for better timing and legal freedom, both. But I recognise it is a near-universal experience for most women in our modern culture. And I hope that one day in not too long, we will all be able to hear one another's stories, and accept the reality that these things happen. And that there are larger social structures, cultural paradigms, and power imbalances that shape our lives and much of what we see and do and expect. In ways that we are conditioned to view as "normal" but which are toxic, destructive to self and others, exploitative, and deeply dehumanising.

Most of the time, then, we're not yet truly seeing one another as equals, as people, and as beloved friends...where we want only the highest good, the very best for them, simply for who they are....and nothing to do with what we want or what we're getting from them. Not because they're a means to an end. We're not there yet. That's why these stories are so common and are experienced by so many.

Thus many women are speaking directly from experience having been manipulated and deceived for sex and physical intimacy, and also for the emotional support we give, and it is based on real life experiences that they advocate caution for the OP'w well-being. The reality is that this culture (and human history more broadly) is not one that promotes or has much of any idea about what a healthy, equitable, authentically loving male-female partnership looks like, and that's why the stories we hear are so universally aligned with toxic/unhealthy, imbalanced relationships. Where a mutual authentic love (and thus any lasting mutual authentic desire, esp for women) is absent and unknown. This is a collective problem, and ultimately it's neither the fault of any one person and nor can any one person change it. It takes many villages raising their voices to say, we want a better way, the way of authentic love.

These recommendations for caution are not male-bashing and I'm almost 99% positive that no woman here is thinking of male-bashing when she urges restraint and self-care for the OP, nor when she shares about her own past experiences. They're simply speaking their truth...and what so many have experienced is like FairyC said, a common outcome if women do not treat themselves with the care, dignity, honour, and self-love that they deserve, and if they do not allow themselves the necessary time to get to mutually get to know and love one another as people and as friends. Or if they do not consider the very real constraints of timing and both the legal and emotional availability of others just heading into a separation period.

IMO at a deeper level, the recommendations for caution and restraint and taking time before getting physically involved are reasonable ways of establishing a deeper and more authentic love for one another as people and as friends. This approach is counter to the commonplace expectation or demand that women get sexually involved up front and worry about emotional and spiritual love and compatibility sometime later, if ever. The currently commonplace approach is IMO an indicator the depth of our culture's toxic utilitarian paradigm, which is fundamentally dehumanising -- and also of the lack of authentic love as a standard historically and at present in male-female relationships.

And because of this reality, and the fact that male-female relationships based in authentic love have not come to be the norm (or even in existence much at all, really) yet anywhere in the world. -- advocating for caution and restraint and self-care is prudent and IMO grounded in the cultural reality we now experience and are trying to transform within our own lives. This is loving and wise advice for anyone IMO but particularly from women to women, as we know what we resonate with is authentic love in relationship (of any kind), including partnerships. So that we can (all) be the change we want to see in the world.

Peace & blessings
7L

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by 7luminaries

Hahahaha...Raziel, who is the ONE person who is doing bad stuff -- as opposed to nearly every single woman who responded in this thread, who also gave their opinion to hold off or reconsider, etc.? You've put everything bad onto this ONE woman and ignored all the other female posters. so let's hear your full accusation, eh, with the poster's name? Is this because it's easier to bully and attack one woman, rather than acknowledge that the women here who have responded all have a voice and you'd have to acknowledge their truths and their stories? Is it that you don't care to acknowledge all these voices, and you'd rather single out individuals and target them for blame and disparagement?

What you're doing isn't necessary, it's targeted to the person (whoever she may be....), and it's not factually based according to the contents of this thread and the many women who have responded here.

Peace & blessings
7L

URGH ...

It was put forth during innnerlight's post that there was an anti male theme, I actually defended a vast majority of the women on here in stating that it only really seemed to be a single posters theme.

If there are no breadcrumbs to follow then no single poster should have anything to worry about.

I only named Voldemort.

It was not presented as an offensive statement merely an idea to perhaps read the thread fully & note where the theme takes place.


Your free to be offended.

What are your favourite biscuits?

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