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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Angels & Guides

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  #1  
Old 21-04-2018, 12:41 AM
Alassea Alassea is offline
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Help! What is going on with my being?!

I want to first start this long post off by announcing that it is hard for me to be romantically attracted to anyone. As a child, I have had crushes before whether it be on normal people or celebrities, but they were all mild, harmless, idealized crushes that I amounted to nothing.
I never felt any angst or anything like that. When those crushes got married or had partners of their own, I did not care one bit. I had fun looking at their easy on the eyes appearance regardless.
As I grew older, it became harder and harder for me to be romantically attracted. I did not and I still probably don’t know what love is…I think. There was a time, I thought I might be aromantic. I’ve been attracted to fictional characters before, but even that is not really anything.
When people fangirl or develop crushes on famous people, I scoff and would privately ridicule them.

I especially sneered down on the whole “Korean wave” trend and the teens who are constantly gushing over their bias. It’s an industry full of corruption, suicide and plastic surgery. It’s a mostly cocky country that looked down on Southeast Asians (I’m Vietnamese so people like me.) Why are people so easily brainwashed?
I never understood it so I felt invincible because I thought to myself; “Haha, this would never happen to me.”

And then last year happened. It crept on to me slowly that I did not even realize. It was unexpected, overwhelming and most of all, infuriating. It was very slow and painful.

I was bored one day and decided, why not. There was this Korean drama that had been broadcasting since 2016 and I kept on seeing it in my recommendation. I tried to ignore it because the plot summary on wiki sounded so cheesy and bad and the cover was just not appealing; including the two main leads. But then out on impulse, I decided to watch the first few episodes to test it out. I ended up finishing the whole series in a week. It was good, moving but like everything else, had its flaws.
I thought I was done with it, but there was something about the male actor that caught my eye. I began researching him up and seeing some of his other works. I felt attached to him so I dismissed it as “Oh, maybe I finally found someone worth being a fangirl for” and left it at that.

Days went by, and there was something weird.

Again, I dismissed it as fangirling on my part, but it’s strange. When I watch his works, I can objectively and detachedly point out flaws. Enough that I can safely say, I simply was not a fan of most of his works. He was a good actor but he could have chosen better movies and dramas to act in.
I didn’t care about the characters he portrayed. I felt no attachments to them. They were just there and as long as he’s in his actor’s garb, I did not care for him.
Except when he took them off. There was something I knew then is that I was attached to the person himself.
I began digging up personal interviews and despite the public persona he puts on, I felt confident in knowing exactly what he was feeling or what his personality is like.

How the hell can I know a stranger, a celebrity who puts up face for the public? Not to mention he lives in a freaking foreign country.
I tried to brush it off as infatuation with laugh and thought I was being very stupid. I was going crazy. This never happens. I don’t like people. I don’t like anyone beyond what’s platonic and definitely not for a freaking celeb. I was not stupid. I’m too much of a grown woman to be acting like some teenager who’s hormones were all over the place.

Did I find him physically attractive? Not at all at first. It crept on painfully and slowly after all, but every time I see him, there was this magnetic pull. I cannot explain it in words.
I felt this weird connection.
Now suddenly, he’s the most beautiful man in the world to me. There are plenty of conventionally attractive men around me yet when I look at them, I feel nothing.
With this man, every day feels numb, but with an underlying of pain underneath. My life suddenly feels empty because I’m not with him. I knew I was going mad.

There were times when I thought that the more I looked at him, the more I have "known" him for a long time.

I’m not a particularly religious person. I began praying everyday to either help lead me to him or to stop this feeling altogether. I was inconsistent, insecure, angsty and unsure.

So many fans fancy themselves in love with the celebs they worship. Others got order restraints and probably had to deal with stalker lawsuits. As if I could let myself deal with something so humiliating. The guy doesn’t even know me. Still, I find myself frustrated and wanting to hate him.
Why did he have to be a freaking celebrity? Why did he have to live in a foreign country? Why do I have this overwhelming urge to be with him? To touch, support, help, care for, love him?
He’s someone I don’t know!

It’s gotten out of hand. I even began looking up SPELLs or any kind of hypnosis to erase my feelings. I thought of looking into therapy and personal help. I told my friends and family. Family obviously thought I was going insane. My friends were neutral, but suspicious about the whole thing because all of this is very odd because it’s happening to me of all people.

I began drinking to cope. I looked forward to studying and working just so that it can distract me from my depression and this huge hole in my chest.
The spell I performed work for a few weeks but like all things that are unnatural, it bit me in the behind soon enough.

One day, an article came up with that actor doing a charity event for kids on his birthday. Just that image of him alone and what he did, set my heart lurching like it wants to fall out of my chest. It HURT. Every time I see anything related to him, songs, food, random objects, my chest would hurt. Why the hell was I in such pain? Why wasn’t the spell doing its damn job?
Why did I feel like crying. Why do I feel like an empty ghost everyday but having to smile so that I at least looked sane to the rest of the world?
I said before that I wasn’t really religious. Now, I feel so dependent on Buddha, it’s absurd.

I began looking into spirituality and meditating. I tried to look for reliable mediums around my area, but nope.
After meditating, I began feeling something that I would dare describe as an almost supernatural feeling. I looked into lucid dreams and astral projection and the different dimensions to the universe.
I felt invincible before, but now I feel so humbled, pathetic and most of all, vulnerable.

Was fate punishing me for my hubris before? Now, I don't dare make fun of anyone because I'm also in that predicament.
Because the identity of this actor and how I am so attached to him is beyond ironic that I feel like the universe is playing me. What a joke.

I began having dreams. I began having dreams of entering his dreams and in those dreams, I was wearing white. I then had a dream of him telling someone that he’s waiting for a woman in white to finally settle down.
He’s 15 years older than I am and still has not settled down despite having a plethora of women around him. He has amazing chemistry with any woman who’s within his vicinity because he just naturally has that natural charisma.
I feel this intense jealousy and I am utterly embarrassed of myself. Grow up for heaven’s sake.

The depression is real though. I cannot tell you how much I’ve drank and thought of death over the course of these months. I tried to meditate to clear my head and perhaps see visions of anything that might hint me to what’s going on.
Something else has changed. I’ve become a kinder person I think. Ever since knowing of him, I wanted to be a better version of myself. I want to help people and the world.
I want to be there with him so that we can do great things together. If he’s hurting, I hurt. It’s like that.
I never saw marriage and children as something I want before, but now I can see it. I even want it. It’s disturbing.
I can never imagine it being with anyone else. Any other is out of the question. If he ends up marrying another beautiful woman or celeb of his own country and is happy then I am happy for him.

However, I don’t expect to get a happy ending for myself and will happily stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve always been fine like that anyway.


Any crushes I’ve had in the past were fleeting and I easily got over it. This one is forever and forever. It’s never dragged on this long before. I have tried to forget him. I had to cut off the internet for crying out loud.
But he’s always there, haunting my heart and me. Every day I wake up. Every step I take, everywhere I go, I feel his presence. I feel this really heated energy from his as if watching me despite being on the other side of the world. It’s abnormal.

I tried distracting myself with books, going out, family, friends and things that make me happy but there’s always a constant and unmovable hole that feels the need to be…Fulfilled.
Any picture of him triggers me into this excruciating heart pain that I immediately have to look away otherwise I burn.
Yesterday, during a state of half meditation, half sleep, I saw something. A young boy was standing in a corner, smiling ever so slightly at me. His young face looked familiar and in a second, his image morphed to the adult version of him. I bet you can guess who that is.

Then I found the forum so here I am posting hoping for answers and guidance.
What is going? What is this? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? Cause this pain is excruciating and I want to get rid of it so that I can be sane again.

Before you tell me to look up some celebrity obsessive disorder, I already did and frankly, it’s getting old.
I can’t worship this human being with a different path of life from mine with so many flaws.
Also, fan mails don’t work and my pride won’t allow me to bother a famous person when he doesn’t even know of my existence yet I’m suffering this much because of him.
I’m trying so hard to let go.

Tl;dr: I am an idiot for feeling this way about a famous person in some foreign country that I will probably never meet in this life. I desperately need guidance on this.
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  #2  
Old 21-04-2018, 04:12 PM
Alassea Alassea is offline
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Also, I keep telling the universe and whatever deity that's up there that I will move on and forget about him and that I'm probably delusional.

Nothing ever changes. The sight of his name or even when I don't even see anything of him, he still haunts me 24/7 gaaaaaaaaargh I want to pull my hair out.
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  #3  
Old 22-04-2018, 01:15 AM
Shinsoo Shinsoo is offline
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I may be laughed at for saying this, but...does he have a fan mail address?

As silly as this sounds, words have power. Words have an energy all their own--granted by the writer to the person reading them. I think that even a simple, handwritten letter conveying your respect and admiration for him as a person, and not just an actor, might spur something in him. You never know until you try.

I met my TF on this very forum, and only ever, saw his words. I never heard him actually speak, rarely saw his face except in images over my mind's eye. But the pull to them was intense--I was absorbed in every way, I stalked his posts with the feeling of one possessed. He responded to posts in my topic too, though he was more succinct in his demeanor.

I'm not saying this celeb is your TF necessarily, I'm just saying there might be a mutual connection between you. I've felt various connections from people, just by reading their words. Maybe, once he sees your words, he might feel a connection to you as well and reach out.

You never know until you try. :)

I hope everything works out for you.
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  #4  
Old 22-04-2018, 02:09 AM
Alassea Alassea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitydown
I may be laughed at for saying this, but...does he have a fan mail address?

As silly as this sounds, words have power. Words have an energy all their own--granted by the writer to the person reading them. I think that even a simple, handwritten letter conveying your respect and admiration for him as a person, and not just an actor, might spur something in him. You never know until you try.

I met my TF on this very forum, and only ever, saw his words. I never heard him actually speak, rarely saw his face except in images over my mind's eye. But the pull to them was intense--I was absorbed in every way, I stalked his posts with the feeling of one possessed. He responded to posts in my topic too, though he was more succinct in his demeanor.

I'm not saying this celeb is your TF necessarily, I'm just saying there might be a mutual connection between you. I've felt various connections from people, just by reading their words. Maybe, once he sees your words, he might feel a connection to you as well and reach out.

You never know until you try. :)

I hope everything works out for you.

I tried searching for his fan mail address to no avail. He lives in South Korea so his mail address is probably in Korean anyway.

He is intensely private. I did send him an instagram message once, but his staff probably runs his account and probably already deleted the millions messages sent by fans so there goes that.

If he saw it/read it, he never replied. That was when I tried to bury him deep somewhere to forget out of frustration and pride but even that was hopeless.

I asked the universe several times during 11:11 to please allow me to forget about him and to let me dream of my real soulmate and twin flame.
And guess who I dream about for two nights during that wish instead?

Today, I needed a break and took a two hour nap. He also haunted my naps.

I'm usually pretty self possessed and like I said, I hardly have crushes but even then, I'm in control and get over them in a few days. This man is like an everlasting drug and it feels wrenchingly terrible.
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  #5  
Old 22-04-2018, 02:13 AM
Alassea Alassea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitydown
I may be laughed at for saying this, but...does he have a fan mail address?


Trust me, it's not as laughable and ridiculous as my feelings lol. I'm just grateful you're being so thoughtful about this.
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  #6  
Old 22-04-2018, 04:42 PM
Shinsoo Shinsoo is offline
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Bunny

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alassea
I tried searching for his fan mail address to no avail. He lives in South Korea so his mail address is probably in Korean anyway.

He is intensely private. I did send him an instagram message once, but his staff probably runs his account and probably already deleted the millions messages sent by fans so there goes that.

If he saw it/read it, he never replied. That was when I tried to bury him deep somewhere to forget out of frustration and pride but even that was hopeless.

I asked the universe several times during 11:11 to please allow me to forget about him and to let me dream of my real soulmate and twin flame.
And guess who I dream about for two nights during that wish instead?

Today, I needed a break and took a two hour nap. He also haunted my naps.

I'm usually pretty self possessed and like I said, I hardly have crushes but even then, I'm in control and get over them in a few days. This man is like an everlasting drug and it feels wrenchingly terrible.

Hmm, can you tell me or pm me his name? This may be a real longshot, but i have a friend in South Korea who is well-versed in kpop idols/celebs. She also understands some Korean.

I will see if she knows this person and knows of a way to contact him. :)

-Trinity
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“Because to take away a man's freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.” --Madeline l'Engle
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  #7  
Old 22-04-2018, 08:07 PM
Alassea Alassea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitydown
Hmm, can you tell me or pm me his name? This may be a real longshot, but i have a friend in South Korea who is well-versed in kpop idols/celebs. She also understands some Korean.

I will see if she knows this person and knows of a way to contact him. :)

-Trinity

Did you get my PM?
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