Serious Father Issues...

[Soul Renew]

Hello everyone,

I'm going through a deep healing part in my life and there's a giant stone
in the way of my positive transformation.

Insecurity.
Unworthiness.
Depersonalization.
Not the disorder, but I feel like I lost myself.

It took me a long time to realize I built my whole life from my dad. Growing up, I acted like him, talked like him, dressed like him, and I basically looked up to him growing up... I thought he was my protector, my father who'll love me unconditionally... I mistakingly saw him like God.

At about age 7 however, when I started to ease into my own individuality,
finding things I like, not what he likes, things started to change.

The loving, caring, best friend of a father I knew was shattering.
It started with him questioning almost everything I did.
He'd question why I talk too much, why I ask too many questions,
why I fold my arms a certain way, why I sigh, why I do lots of things!

But I was only a kid, I did some things without thinking.

Over time, it got worse.
He'd criticize me, he'd want me to change my thoughts and opinions,
he'd demand I don't talk back when he's talking. He'd get mad if I question him.
He'd say things that make me felt I needed to do things to make him love me.
Sometimes he'd make me feel guilty and that I have to be responsible for him.

When I get emotional, he'd get mad, leave me and then ask my little sisters if they want ice cream or to go someplace fun (without me)
He told me when his coworkers talk about how proud they are of their kids, he couldn't say the same about me because he thought there's nothing to be proud of, I'm stupid.
When I give him a hard time, he blamed that on my mom and told her that I'm not his kid, I got everything from her!
We don't fight much, but when we do, I just disagree with him and then he turns it into a battle.

But my mom is NOT the type to fight back. So if anyone, I got my fighting back from my dad because it's more evident in my dad's side of the family than in my mom's side. My mom's side are loving, free-spirits, accepting, and refreshing, such wonderful people who don't turn almost every conversation into an argument or ego battle.

What I really hate is that my dad doesn't appreciate my mom.
EVERYONE LOVES HER! SHE IS SWEET, SUPER CHILL, SHE EVEN TRIES TO DAB AND IS ALWAYS HAPPY TO SEE ANYONE!
Mom rarely gets mad.

Seeing my dad treat her the way he does makes me soooo mad!

He's either say nothing good or complain. He's always complaining about her and hating things she does. He doesn't even like her family either...
But I adore them! I wish I could fly away from here to them rather stay with him and his family...

She has done absolutely nothing to deserve the treatment.
It breaks my heart seeing her cry and telling me, "Why did I marry him? Please don't marry the wrong man like I did."

There's more to say, but I feel bad for writing this down...
That's in the past now...my dad's changed much better and I don't want to hate him.
He's treating mom a little better, he at least doesn't try to put her down like he usually did.

But it's so hard to forget what he did! I'm in the process of forgiving him because he didn't know what he did was wrong and he's getting better.

For years I was trying to hide I was ok, but I was not. I made myself to be like my father! I realized growing up,
I had horrible traits that I picked up from dad, like being negative
and judgy and blaming others and I just hate it!!
I'm looking back at things I've done and I feel horrible! I'm supposed to be love! What I've done is not love!!

I feel so horrible that I tried to create myself in father's image unconsciously because I looked up to him.
I feel so shattered that he wasn't the father I thought he was.
He broke my heart and it felt like I was growing flowers in my garden and he came in and stepped on everything!!!!
And he would say things that just breaks my heart!
One day, when we had to give my birds away, I cried in the car asking if they'll be ok and he told me they'll be taken away, given a shot and die!

I'm just crying that he was the man I looked up too, not the protector of hearts and goodness I thought he was when I was a kid and because I was fool, my life is ruined! I lost my passion, my interests, my motivations, purpose.
I feel so destroyed. I don't know how to be myself, I feel so empty and dead
I feel so sad, I feel like I've lost everything precious inside me...

When in contact with others, I feel super inferior, like my thoughts don't matter, I don't matter, that I shouldn't be a part of their life, that
if they knew what I like, they'll hate me and discard me.

I'm actually afraid to stand up for myself, my principles, what I believe in! When I was a kid, i stayed true to myself, now I worry over everything a person would think of me.

I'm just so used to being questioned why I like things and how 'uncool' it is from my father that I feel I'm uncool, my interests are uncool, so might as well lose everything I used to love.

I feel I'm breaking down again, I just don't know how to find myself again and get over this. I feel like I'm nothing. I question my exsistence, I've had terribe thoughts about myself that if I were never born, my father wouldn't have to deal with me because he made me feel like I was a burden.

I feel so weak. I feel so pummeled I don't know what love is.
What or who am I?
I automatically assume that even this what I wrote doesn't matter, that it'll automatically be discarded, that I'm just a big baby and have to deal with it.

How do I describe to someone how damaging that is?
I feel like if I tell anyone, it's all my fault, my feelings are not valid. I shouldn't be having such feelings.
I have to "turn off my feelings" like my father told me once.

My father's influence is so strong it hurts me. I know I'm valid and beautiful... Just like when you choose a blue house over a pink house, it doesn't make the house less valuable or beautiful. Someone else will always choose either house. Both houses are beautiful in their own way
It's just me, the child, my father helped created me and I am not acceptable enough.
It's like meeting God and hearing Him say you're not perfect enough to have His love. ....But you made me!!

I'm so confused and hurt and I've tried therapy but it didn't really help, I just wanted to write this out here because you all seem nice...

I know i need to love myself but it's sooo hard to detach from my father.
I built my life revolving him, i don't know how to live my life for myself, follow other better people, I'm lost and broken down, I can't go anywhere...

I feel like I can't do anything except sit. I lose lots of energy when I try to put myself out there. I'm so lost.... i just wanted to put this here, i need this out... I feel as if I'm frozen inside and I'm wondering when I'll see spring again...

I don't know what to think anymore...
I feel like I lost what made me truly happy, what made my soul happy...
I lost my gems... I used to love creating, coming up with ideas, being silly and unique, talking to others, being inspired, etc....
I feel like there's a hole

[Tomma]

Uh I'm so sorry you feel so sad and hurt!

I don't know what to say to help you but know that I know these kind of feelings and 'dark nights', as I'm sure many others here do too.

When we become aware of the strong, deep rooted, and destructive influence our parents had on us it can be soul crushing, disorienting, simply heartbreaking.

I am much older than you and have come to these realizations only in the past few years. I think it's good that you are going through this process now at a young age, even though it's painful. It's very therapeutic, I think, to write it all out as you have done. I do the same in my diary when I feel the pain and it helps me a lot.

For me it's with me and my mom, she has done and said some things that hurt me deeply and still impact on my feelings, self confidence, behaviour, everything really. I often feel terribly rejected by her. I'm working on it ...

My advice, be there for yourself and the hurt part of your soul, sit, breathe, feel it, cry if tears come, write or express it some way that is constructive (as opposed to destructive acting out), accept the pain, and know it will pass and heal over time. Also, be alert to your dreams in this time of emotional upheaval, they often give you valuable insight and pointers.

You will reach a deeper understanding of yourself, you are already in the process, and in time it will not be so painful anymore.

I hope this helps some

[LiberatedLotus]

I understand your pain.
In time, you will heal, my love.

Your parents are mere vessels that
bring you into this world. I, personally
feel the heavens, planetary bodies,
and everything that constitutes the
cosmos are what birthed me. Are
my true parents. My biological parents
are a very small fraction / fragment
in the cosmic equation.

If you delve deep into the processes
of creation, the conditions necessary
for you to have manifested and met
with perfect precision you would could
come to understand how perfect
you are as you are. Your divine
nature. You are the heavenly bodies.
You are the stars you see in the sky.
You are the beauty of the roses
you see in the garden. You are
everything. You are meant to be.
The cosmos agreed for you to
manifest as you did, just as
you are. You can call it God,
higher force, divine intervention.
Your soul made the contract for
you to carnate as you did.

Your father is a very small
variable in that equation.

As humans, it is natural for us to
bond to those whom we share
such strong ties to. To create
attachments. But he is not
all that there is.

We must remember he is
human, as we all are. With
the same flaws & faults that
we all share. He is in the
process of growth just as we all
are. He has a story just as we
all do.

We make the mistake of equating
a "father figure" with our paternal
blood. This is a fallacy. We set
standards that are too often met
with severe disappointment
because we simply have
expectations that are not rooted
in reality.

He is a human.
Many unfortunately have
children when they have not
fully matured to a state where
they can be responsible for the
life of another / still on their
journey - have not passed the
thresholds or rights of passages
to be fully capable of caring for
another.

Again, he is human.
He may have his own unresolved
issues, underdeveloped faculties,
etc. that unfortunately you have to
deal with. Do not take it personal.
Many are unaware of the baggage
they must overcome to fully be
present for their children.
Be the men & fathers they have
the potential to be.

Give your father the space to
be himself. Allow him the time
to grow & heal. Forgive him
of his misgivings irregardless
if he may be conscious of them
or not.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

Soul Renew: Both houses are beautiful in their own way.

Ray Stevens ~ Everything is Beautiful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlwfGh-SVXw

the life experiences you've been provided are beautiful, in their own way.
accept those memories as your property, and use them to provide you with
the living space you enjoy dwelling within.
use the "critical thinking" tools your father drilled into your mind as the
means to extricate yourself from feeling bad about things.
ask yourself why you choose to think a certain way... especially if that
leads you into feeling bad.
ask yourself why you behave in particular manners... if they bring you to
disappointment.
alter your choices where they feel wrong, and stick with them when they
feel good.
be the beautiful, independent you that you want to be, without excuses.

Always so sad to hear about parents who seem to verge on the neurotic, who fight rather than nurture their children. I know about this myself with the problem of unpredictable violence added to "love withdrawal"

I quickly learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, to know that I couldn't go along with their expectations. It was horrible. Like trying to find a path through broken glass most times.

I don't revisit the memories often because I hate them and resent my birth parents to the core. Thankfully I've been able to lock them behind me. They obviously have an effect but I'm aware of what's going on. God knows how I might have turned out had it gone into my teens but thankfully something happened to get the Children's Department involved and I was pulled out.

There's no easy answer to dealing with the problems that fall out of things like this. Writing is a great therapy. It'll help put your thoughts in order. You can write out your resentments and also the thoughts about your emerging individuality, the good about that, what you learned as your parents turned on you. The emerging you is just that: YOU and how you were different, how you rebelled (if you did). Amplify the good experiences of your emerging self and see yourself as a star.

I don't believe there's any mileage in pondering on why your dad is like he is. He's probably under pressures; maybe had enough of family life and can't sustain a sense of duty. But it's up to those whom he affects to defend themselves. If he puts your mum on a spot it's truly up to her to act.

You have nothing to forgive him for - in fact, forgiving him in the classic sense is merely giving him license to continue unabated. Forgive him, sure, if he repents and truly changes but don't allow him the righteousness of his behaviour as he is.

In despair it's difficult to meditate but you can contemplate. You speak of your higher principles. Contemplation will help you find ways to apply them in your life if you focus on them right; how you act towards others, etc. If nothing else you will have learned a great lesson from all this, you'll know how NOT to be with people, to care about their tribulations and value their friendship. Seems a fact in neuroscience that people with backgrounds like yours (and mine) develop a more sensitive empathy toward others.

Yes, there's much to repair but getting the whole thing out of your system and valuing yourself is a good start.

Sincere wishes that you can do the work. You are a soul, a star, a being in your own right. Your soul is intact and as you brush away as much as you can of this its light will shine through. Be confident in that. And confidence will grow in time.