Meaning of trauma and healing

[pluralone]

That's awesome, Seawolf!

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by pluralone

Yep it's helpful for me too, to connect with folks who understand because they've had similar experiences.

Funny; I was unable to bottle up my emotions. Cried constantly when I was a kid. Family shamed me ceaselessly for it, so I fought for control -- and lost repeatedly. Never once occurred to anyone to ask why I cried so much. Just a few years ago my sister told me she'd just thought I was 'being a stinker'. I said something like, 'And yet you never thought to wonder why I would need to behave that way.' Regardless of my motivation, I was a little kid who cried a LOT. No one was concerned. Everyone was annoyed.

Now that I just allow myself my crying jags they're much less frequent and intense, and even when I'm in the middle of it I'm still aware that those tears are doing me good and that I'll recover my equilibrium soon enough. Before, I always felt like if I stopped fighting it, I'd just cry for the rest of my life.


I was thinking more like for some people the cause is more physical while for others it's more energy-based/spiritual. For the former, medication is probably essential. For the latter, it doesn't make much sense to try to medicate for a spiritual crisis.

Too, the other possible cause of emotional distress can be situational. As an 'alternative health support provider' (now retired), really often when people came in to ask for antidepressant herbs, upon further discussion they'd reveal that they were living in hugely stressful circumstances or they'd recently lost a loved one or had (or were having) some sort of external crisis. Of course they'd feel bad; it's a natural response to many situations. Can't medicate a situation either, so usually I'd suggest a mild, short-acting mood support herb - as opposed to something that would alter their brain chemistry - and provide either a referral to a place where they could get support for resolving situational problems or I'd work with them myself on that front.

So yeah. Medication is right for some, but really often it's prescribed for the wrong reasons. To me, when someone's asking for help with depression, the first goal should be to determine its cause.

(Sigh) I had a neighbor whose husband died, and when she went in for her annual physical her doctor wanted to prescribe antidepressants for her grief. Imagine that. Yikes. She turned them down.

I think my bottling up was a self-protection coping mechanism, because I was faced with aggression, intimidation, humiliation, condescension, etc., if I didn't shut up.

Now it is hard for me to release the emotions, because they were buried so deep, so old, so compacted, and so much.

In my healing journey, I learn that our level of consciousness determines the kind of medical solutions we will attract. So in that sense, it makes sense that there are medical professionals who would prescribe medications or course of treatment that are not in the highest good of the patient. I think in some ways, the patients "need" it although they may not realize it. So healing is also a journey to elevate our awareness and consciousness.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I identify with everything you're saying. They used shamed to try to control me too. It's like all the abuse from generations was funneled into me. Now I'm starting to see a different way, of self compassion and healing, seeing that maybe I'm not worthless and unworthy, maybe I can feel safe in the world, maybe good things can happen to me. I'm still tearing away from the old world of shame, abuse and trauma. So much has changed in a relatively short time though, the deep processing in therapy and brain changes from yoga are showing that they really work. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing, always thinking about self-compassion. I keep learning more about the abuse and neglect that was done to me, and how much pain it caused me that was never processed. Learning to feel is so different because we were taught not too, it was taboo because it was too terrifying. It's hard but definitely getting easier to feel now. Starting to feel self-compassion and worth is still foreign, but gradually becoming more acceptable, less threatening and foreign. Their world is starting to fade away.

I have always wondered, when will this healing end? It seems never-ending to me. You are right, all we can do is keep doing what we're doing.

Yeah, inability to feel emotions was a big problem for me. I think I have multiple layers of floodgates built in.

Also, inability to relax is another big problem for me. I think it's mostly due to my physical trauma.

Yeah, I also find that I am discovering more and more wounds that I was not consciously aware of.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

I have always wondered, when will this healing end? It seems never-ending to me. You are right, all we can do is keep doing what we're doing.

Yeah, inability to feel emotions was a big problem for me. I think I have multiple layers of floodgates built in.

Also, inability to relax is another big problem for me. I think it's mostly due to my physical trauma.

Yeah, I also find that I am discovering more and more wounds that I was not consciously aware of.

Yes learning to relax can be hard, but it's a big part of healing from trauma. One of the first things I learned in therapy is that the mind can control the brain. Meaning, we can do things to calm ourselves.

Also one of the first things I learned and am still learning is how to feel. Trauma causes us not to feel.. the body or the emotions. Body meditation like Thich Nhat Hanh teaches helped me alot. Every day I meditate to feel the body and it gives a sense of calm.

It takes time, I had to work on it for awhile before I could start relaxing and feeling the body but it's definitely worth it for me. I kept hearing these pioneers in trauma therapy talking about feeling the body, which I didn't really understand why it would help me, but I did it anyway because I sensed they were right.

A big step in healing is be able to calm ourselves when we're triggered. Me, I woke up triggered and was in a state of fear pretty much ALL the time. When I would do the yoga though, I would have this strange feeling of calmness. It didn't feel normal at first, it was weird. But I liked it and so I kept doing it.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

Yes learning to relax can be hard, but it's a big part of healing from trauma. One of the first things I learned in therapy is that the mind can control the brain. Meaning, we can do things to calm ourselves.

Also one of the first things I learned and am still learning is how to feel. Trauma causes us not to feel.. the body or the emotions. Body meditation like Thich Nhat Hanh teaches helped me alot. Every day I meditate to feel the body and it gives a sense of calm.

It takes time, I had to work on it for awhile before I could start relaxing and feeling the body but it's definitely worth it for me. I kept hearing these pioneers in trauma therapy talking about feeling the body, which I didn't really understand why it would help me, but I did it anyway because I sensed they were right.

A big step in healing is be able to calm ourselves when we're triggered. Me, I woke up triggered and was in a state of fear pretty much ALL the time. When I would do the yoga though, I would have this strange feeling of calmness. It didn't feel normal at first, it was weird. But I liked it and so I kept doing it.

Yeah, I definitely agree with you on taking a long time. I have been on the healing journey for years. There weren't much improvement in my health until I discovered that my body had been carrying all kinds of traumatized memory, then the kind of "work" I did really shift my physical body, in very small steps though. Now I try to do my homework daily, a couple hours at a time, sometimes longer. That's a lot of time and effort. But my body does respond, in dreams, sleep quality, or waking hours.

I used many methods. But I find that my own consciousness is still the most powerful medicine. It's kind of similar to what you said about mind over body, that I could direct my conscious attention and intention to change things.

Okay, if it didn't feel normal to you at first, it probably meant that you did not acquire the feeling of calm when you were young. I did not acquire the feeling of support (and a few other things), in fact I inherited from my father that I was supposed to support others, so all my life I support people who never supported me.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

Yeah, I definitely agree with you on taking a long time. I have been on the healing journey for years. There weren't much improvement in my health until I discovered that my body had been carrying all kinds of traumatized memory, then the kind of "work" I did really shift my physical body, in very small steps though. Now I try to do my homework daily, a couple hours at a time, sometimes longer. That's a lot of time and effort. But my body does respond, in dreams, sleep quality, or waking hours.

I used many methods. But I find that my own consciousness is still the most powerful medicine. It's kind of similar to what you said about mind over body, that I could direct my conscious attention and intention to change things.

Okay, if it didn't feel normal to you at first, it probably meant that you did not acquire the feeling of calm when you were young. I did not acquire the feeling of support (and a few other things), in fact I inherited from my father that I was supposed to support others, so all my life I support people who never supported me.

It took about a year or so to induce calmness as a normal state of my body, with Kundalini yoga and meditation. There still anxiety but nothing like before. Now, when difficult feelings come up from therapy or just life I use it to calm me. Therapy is intense so it's very good to have. Things are moving pretty fast now. I know what can help me now and I'm what they call a motivated client. I've suffered so much and now I don't want to anymore. I don't believe the old saying that time heals all wounds, I suffered all my life and didn't start getting better until I got help.

Yes I was traumatized even before I was born. I was born into a world of trauma and it continued all my life, abuse after abuse. I could have gotten professional help before but no one told me about it. I was taught that there is nothing for you, you just have to figure it out yourself. You just have to suffer like everyone else. Everyone suffers so why should you be any different? Psychologists are just a rip off, they don't know as much as you do. All these beliefs we get, their purpose is to keep us from healing. But if you suffer enough, I guess you have no choice but to try to challenge them. I'm tired of being controlled and manipulated. I see people worse off than me transform in a relatively short time once they get into the deep processing. The old world isn't going to hold me back much longer.

“As I often tell my students, the two most important phrases in therapy, as in yoga, are “Notice that” and “What happens next?” Once you start approaching your body with curiosity rather than with fear, everything shifts.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

“Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.”
― Peter A. Levine

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

It took about a year or so to induce calmness as a normal state of my body, with Kundalini yoga and meditation. There still anxiety but nothing like before. Now, when difficult feelings come up from therapy or just life I use it to calm me. Therapy is intense so it's very good to have. Things are moving pretty fast now. I know what can help me now and I'm what they call a motivated client. I've suffered so much and now I don't want to anymore. I don't believe the old saying that time heals all wounds, I suffered all my life and didn't start getting better until I got help.

Yes I was traumatized even before I was born. I was born into a world of trauma and it continued all my life, abuse after abuse. I could have gotten professional help before but no one told me about it. I was taught that there is nothing for you, you just have to figure it out yourself. You just have to suffer like everyone else. Everyone suffers so why should you be any different? Psychologists are just a rip off, they don't know as much as you do. All these beliefs we get, their purpose is to keep us from healing. But if you suffer enough, I guess you have no choice but to try to challenge them. I'm tired of being controlled and manipulated. I see people worse off than me transform in a relatively short time once they get into the deep processing. The old world isn't going to hold me back much longer.

“As I often tell my students, the two most important phrases in therapy, as in yoga, are “Notice that” and “What happens next?” Once you start approaching your body with curiosity rather than with fear, everything shifts.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

“Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.”
― Peter A. Levine

I used to have very severe case of anxiety, since I was a child, and it didn't stop. Then when I began my healing journey (shopping for treatments), my first acupuncturist said, "You know, you have anxiety." I did not immediately feel it. But over time, I came to realize that what I was experiencing was anxiety.

I was so used to how it felt, and I thought it was normal, because nobody told me otherwise. Zero self awareness.

Then I don't know how, but at the end of 2015, my anxiety disappeared. At that time, I still did not realize I had trauma memory in my body.

I also did not realize that I was living in an abusive environment, because my family thought, as long as your physical needs were provided for, then you're lucky and you should respect those who provided for you. And it was true that my parents and relatives did take care of me financially and physically, that's why no one could see that I was totally damaged inside. They just saw that I was weak, thin, pale, sickly, etc., and wondered, "What's wrong with you?"

Yeah, I do recognize that "you just have to suffer like everyone else" mentality. I was trapped in it because my caregivers kept projecting that vibe, and I did not have the power to escape because I was so out of my body that I could not rescue myself. This "feel your body" thingy is what brings me more and more into my body, and then I have more and more power to get myself out of the sh*thole.

On my journey, I explored both spirituality and science. Each helped me see my situation from a different perspective. I visited the reddit site you gave me, and I found that most people there didn't approach their problem from a spiritual angle. Not that they have to, but I find that I am limited to what I say.

For me, I find that the spiritual side helps me quite a bit. For instance, last night I was trying to get my body to relax more. I don't know how being 100% relaxed feels like, but I roughly knew that I was not 100% relaxed, so I tried to get there, but there was a lot of resistance from my body. So I asked the elementals to help. Then I sensed that my body did drop the resistance, and then there was a sense of lightness from not having to tighten up.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

I used to have very severe case of anxiety, since I was a child, and it didn't stop. Then when I began my healing journey (shopping for treatments), my first acupuncturist said, "You know, you have anxiety." I did not immediately feel it. But over time, I came to realize that what I was experiencing was anxiety.

I was so used to how it felt, and I thought it was normal, because nobody told me otherwise. Zero self awareness.

Then I don't know how, but at the end of 2015, my anxiety disappeared. At that time, I still did not realize I had trauma memory in my body.

I also did not realize that I was living in an abusive environment, because my family thought, as long as your physical needs were provided for, then you're lucky and you should respect those who provided for you. And it was true that my parents and relatives did take care of me financially and physically, that's why no one could see that I was totally damaged inside. They just saw that I was weak, thin, pale, sickly, etc., and wondered, "What's wrong with you?"

Yeah, I do recognize that "you just have to suffer like everyone else" mentality. I was trapped in it because my caregivers kept projecting that vibe, and I did not have the power to escape because I was so out of my body that I could not rescue myself. This "feel your body" thingy is what brings me more and more into my body, and then I have more and more power to get myself out of the sh*thole.

On my journey, I explored both spirituality and science. Each helped me see my situation from a different perspective. I visited the reddit site you gave me, and I found that most people there didn't approach their problem from a spiritual angle. Not that they have to, but I find that I am limited to what I say.

For me, I find that the spiritual side helps me quite a bit. For instance, last night I was trying to get my body to relax more. I don't know how being 100% relaxed feels like, but I roughly knew that I was not 100% relaxed, so I tried to get there, but there was a lot of resistance from my body. So I asked the elementals to help. Then I sensed that my body did drop the resistance, and then there was a sense of lightness from not having to tighten up.

To me what matters is, does it work? I could care less if something is labeled spiritual or scientific, what counts to me is if it gives major life-changing results. Sure I love spirituality too, but I appreciate that they only focus on things that give results in the CPTSD reddit sub, because people are living in hell, some are suicidal, some have very little hope, are homeless, and are looking for support. Yoga and meditation are 'spiritual', and research showed them to be very beneficial to people with trauma, so now they talk about it there. There's tons of 'scientific-only' methods that are never discussed because they don't change people's lives.

I don't think most people with trauma really care one way or the other. Being in a living hell kind of makes you focus on the things that are pressing and important, like how can I stop wanting to die? I'll talk to an alien or Jesus or whatever if it works but in my long spiritual journey so far nothing like that has done anything close to progress I'm making now with modern, well-researched trauma healing modalities. And being a person who's into spirituality, using modern techniques for me has resulted in a more substantial and meaningful spirituality. After my prejudice against psychology went away, my spirituality became even more real and useful.

That's great that you're feeling, I get a lot out of that too. I'm not that clear on why it's so powerful, but I know that now I can feel where in my body the anxiety is. I feel alot of emotional pain in the heart area, and anxiety in the stomach area, sometimes the hands. My EMDR/SE sessions cause strong releases of trauma through the limbs. I hear about other people who are not that connected to the body yet, and they can't get that much out of EMDR, they'e still in a very dissociated state, so that tells me it's pretty important to work on feeling the body.

Yes I think society tells us we have to be in contact with and help our parents because they gave a roof over our heads, paid the bills, fed us, etc. but I look at this way.. If a parent really cared about their child, they would want the best for it, right? Well, if a child cannot heal from their trauma by still being around their parents, a good and loving parent would WANT that child to do whatever it took to heal. The problem with our parents though, those of who were traumatized by them, is that they don't know how to care. So we have to parent ourselves and do what's best for us, despite what society tells us, our other siblings or anyone else. They don't understand and so we can't really go by what they say. We have to focus on our ourselves and separate from things that retraumatize us. A person can't heal if they're constantly being retraumatized, it just doesn't work.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

To me what matters is, does it work? I could care less if something is labeled spiritual or scientific, what counts to me is if it gives major life-changing results. Sure I love spirituality too, but I appreciate that they only focus on things that give results in the CPTSD reddit sub, because people are living in hell, some are suicidal, some have very little hope, are homeless, and are looking for support. Yoga and meditation are 'spiritual', and research showed them to be very beneficial to people with trauma, so now they talk about it there. There's tons of 'scientific-only' methods that are never discussed because they don't change people's lives.

I don't think most people with trauma really care one way or the other. Being in a living hell kind of makes you focus on the things that are pressing and important, like how can I stop wanting to die? I'll talk to an alien or Jesus or whatever if it works but in my long spiritual journey so far nothing like that has done anything close to progress I'm making now with modern, well-researched trauma modalities. I'm not prejudiced either way, I just care about the results.

Yeah, I agree with you on being practical. I was not open to spirituality before my healing journey. But because I wasn't getting the results, I had to explore other options.

Yeah, I notice that some people on the reddit site are probably just beginning their healing journey and their situations are quite extreme. I remember at the beginning of my journey, it was disastrous. Then I went shopping. It wasn't a straight path. I mean, I did not take the shortest route possible, or perhaps such a thing would not be possible.

Originally Posted by Seawolf

That's great that you're feeling, I get a lot out of that too. I'm not that clear on why it's so powerful, but I know that now I can feel where in my body the anxiety is. I feel alot of emotional pain in the heart area, and anxiety in the stomach area, sometimes the hands. My EMDR/SE sessions cause strong releases of trauma through the limbs. I hear about other people who are not that connected to the body yet, and they can't get that much out of EMDR, they'e still in a very dissociated state, so that tells me it's pretty important to work on feeling the body.

When you start to feel, you are establish synaptic pathways in the body. When you stop feeling, there's little or no neurological pathways between your sensory organs and your brain. So feeling helps to establish a mind-and-body connection.

Because I have developmental trauma, I have to remodel my neurological network, as they were improperly wired in my formative years. Having some basic working knowledge about neurology helps me with my transformative efforts.

I would not say I have "emotional pain" in my heart area, but previously I felt a kind of sour and sad sensation in my rib cage. I thought it was sorrow, but it was sadder than sorrow. I was not able to feel the emotion, but I knew it was there. So after a long time, I was able to reduce the intensity of that emotion, but some of it is still stuck between the bones in my rib cage.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

When you start to feel, you are establish synaptic pathways in the body. When you stop feeling, there's little or no neurological pathways between your sensory organs and your brain. So feeling helps to establish a mind-and-body connection.

Because I have developmental trauma, I have to remodel my neurological network, as they were improperly wired in my formative years. Having some basic working knowledge about neurology helps me with my transformative efforts.

I would not say I have "emotional pain" in my heart area, but previously I felt a kind of sour and sad sensation in my rib cage. I thought it was sorrow, but it was sadder than sorrow. I was not able to feel the emotion, but I knew it was there. So after a long time, I was able to reduce the intensity of that emotion, but some of it is still stuck between the bones in my rib cage.

Yes that's exactly what was first described to me in therapy, because of the developemtal trauma many connections were not made and so they have to be developed. Thank God for neuroplasticity lol.

Also, I've heard that from a wider viewpoint it's about connection, that trauma is not actually the real issue, it's emotional and about relationships. I'm just starting to understand it. It's interesting that people who had a good upbringing are less likely to develop PTSD from traumatic events. Not every soldier or car crash victim gets PTSD. Those who have an strong emotional foundation seem more resilient and don't develop symptoms. I had the opposite so I get deeply traumatized by events, especially if they're about relationships. So it makes sense to me when I hear that trauma is not actually the real problem, it's about the absense of emotional connections in childhood. They say one of the most healing things for people with DTD is to have healthy relationships. Maybe they help form those connections that were never made in the brain. Or in others word, learn to be loved and cared about. I think self-compassion can do the same, but I sense that relationships with other humans can be even more effective, if they're indeed healthy and healing. It all makes sense to me considering how mammals are at the core relational beings, our brains are formed by interaction with the caregivers.