Healing from child abuse

dear WWLN,

thank u so much i can feel the strength in ur words and the truth in ur soul from ur post and ur spirit...

I will get there, currently recovering from a broken abusive relatinship - just swept out of my life (see my blog)... and it is an exciting time for me, tho also am grieving that loss (even though he was a bully and abuser, some times he was nice to me and I DID love him once... I think now tho he never really loved me - not unconditionally if u know what i mean)..

I am strong inside and I have had counselling in the past (not the best) and was in an adult survivors group... but u know, in the end, u only have urself when u switch out the lights, and u end up doing ur own healing - that's the real work ... I have healed a lot from the abuse and I have forgiven the person who abused me. I realise he must've been abused too in his life. He is gone to spirit now. Once in a meditation circle he came thru someone else to speak to me and I couldn't do it at that time. But since then I have forgiven him.

I have gone thru all the stages of denial, anger, loss and grief, and finally, acceptance about my childhood - in stages... and to a degree am doing it again now, becos of what has happened with my ex (unbelievably he abused 2 boys we used to care for and was arrested and charged with that last October. he is pleading not guilty and will have a trial next October 15th... I think he is in complete denial and may see the light and change his plea... anyway I am going to start divorce proceedings in the meantime)...

So what's hapening now is bringing up all those childhood traumas and I am holding the little girl inside me so close to my heart and loving her and keeping her safe... some parts i've not been able to rescue... but most of her i have got back.. I am seeing a v good counsellor now and lots of people are sending me healing which is helping me so much.

I repressed it all my life till i was 40 tho the depression was always there and I didn't know why... my body started to tell me in signs and symptoms, plus the nightmares I'd had for years... then I woke up and remembered being raped age 9 and started to have panic attacks and flashbacks... thats when i finally reached out for help.

Every day i am feeling stronger and was told last week the police don't need me as a witness. But my sis and I are going to the trial. It will be good closure. I love those 2 boys like my own. Have never been fortunate to have kids of my own.

I will make it.. I believe I will... and thank u again for ur support and kind strong words, it means a lot.

By the way, if anyone wants a good survivors group online this is one :

http://abuse-survivors.org.uk/forums/index.php

A small group of v supportive people there and a good place to seek help and resources, and just read the posts or post stuff if u r up to it...

Love and light to all

jan xxx

Justice will Prevail,

Originally Posted by nibbles

hello all,

I am here to share. I am 34 years old, I have three beautiful boys and I am in the slow agonising process of either saving or letting do my marraige. I have always felt different. I was told often not to be so soft, that I was way to sensitive to tkae a joke. Anyways I have been through so much especially in the last 8 years. That I have now turned inward stasrted to ask very valid questions. As to why I react sometimes.

I think I may have been sexually abused as a child I say think as the memories only surface every now and then especially when I am feeling hurt or humiliated little snachets...like a cine film being played beneath eye lids.....but there not very tangible.

I know I have to seek professional advice but I ahve had a bad expierence with counselling....maybe I wasn't ready...

Anyways love and light to you all you are all brave brave individuals

Dear Nibbles

If u think u were abused, then u most likely were... The Courage to Heal by Laura M Bass is a v good book that became my bible when I first started remembering stuff.. i'm sure it would be of help to u. Waterstones sell it or u can buy it on Amazon.com. This website is good for survivors too:

http://abuse-survivors.org.uk/forums/index.php

A very supportive group of people on there... U have been thru so much, my heart goes out to u... One thing with counselling is u need to find the right one for u. If the doctor send u to one and u don't feel right, ask to see someone else - when the time is right u will know what u need and want to do. A lot more is known about abuse now and I think because of this the counsellors are geting better. the one i have is v v suportive. u can also ask for which gender u prefer.

U r very brave too, because u r making those first baby steps, even to think it may have happened to u...

Going thru a break up is tough too. there's a book called Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay... I read that once a few years back (shouldve left the LOL)...

U take good care of urself and it's a pleasure to know u,

love and light

Janspirit xxxx

Thank you for your support and belief jan. I will do some research on the book front. I have read your pers. blog. I know it must have been traumatic to remember esp. at the age of 40 but it gives me a glimmer of hope that I am not mad. That something very very bad has happened to me. It's just in snapshots i keep getting but they are all over the place. I am going to try really hard to actually ring to actually dial a number for help. It's just so bloody hard.....I would like to not have to do this....but that's not going to happen is it.......as I am stuck.........

Hi Nibbles

I know ur feeling stuck right now between a rock and a hard place, like, but u know what... u can do it... just pick up that phone - or go see ur doctor and talk about how u r feeling and finding it hard to cope with everything...

I am sending healing prayers for u tonight, my friend, bless u

Courage isn't freedom from fear,
it's being afraid...
and doing it anyway...

love peace light and sweet dreams
to u

Jan xoxxo

Janspirit and Nibbles, Bravo to you both! This is the time we all must bring up the past and by that I mean,.. Is everyone in this lifetime so that we may all sift it through and process it out so we can be open and free of the heavy and negative energies in order to go through the shift to higher consciousness, so I believe that all these past traumas are being brought forward so that we must process and leave them behind in order to go forward to Better Things. So both of you as well as so many others are experiencing the opportunity to do just what you are doing in your dealing with and putting behind you the negative and entering the positive. So once again" Bravo!" You are Both Strong in Spirit and You already know that you will prevail. Janspirit I checked out the support site you put up. It is very informative and sounds Very connected and sounds to be of great help to any and all who wish to join it. Also know, Anytime that you would care to chat please feel free to let me know I will be there for you and anyone else out there. Love, Light, Joy and Healing To You All WWLN

For Children Who Were Broken
by Elia Wise

For Children Who Were Broken
it is very hard to mend......
Our pain was rarely spoken
and we hid the truth from friends.
Our parents said they loved us,
but they didn't act that way.
They broke our hearts
and stole our worth,
with the things that they would say.
We wanted them to love us.
We didn't know what we did
to make them yell at us
and hit us,
and wish we weren't their kid.

They'd beat us up and scream at us
and blame us for their lives.
Then they'd hold us close inside their arms
and tell us confusing lies
of how they really loved us --
even though we were BAD,
and how it was OUR fault they hit us,
OUR fault that they were mad.
When days were just beginning
we sometimes prayed for them to end,
and when the pain kept coming,
we learned to just pretend
that we were good
and so were they
and this was just
on of those days ...
tomorrow we'd be friends.

We had to believe it so.
We had nowhere else to go.
Each day that we pretended,
we replaced reality
with lies, or dreams,
or angry schemes,
in search of dignity ....
until our lies
got bigger than the truth,
and we had no one real to be
Our bodies were forsaken.
With no safe place to hide,
we learned to stop
hearing and feeling what they did to our outsides.
We tried to make them love us,
till we hated ourselves instead,
and couldn't see a way out,
and wished that they were dead.
We scared ourselves by thinking that,
and scared ourselves to know,
that we were acting just like them --
and might ever more be so.
To be half the size of a grown-up
and trapped inside their pain....
To every day lose everything
with no savior or refrain...
To wonder how it is possible
that God could so forget
the worthy child you knew you were,
when you had not been damaged yet ...
To figure on your fingers
that the years till you'd be grown
enough to leave the torment
and survive away from home,
were more than you could count to,
or more than you could bear,
was the reality we lived in
and we knew it wasn't fair.

We who grew up broken
are somewhat out of time,
struggling to mend our childhood,
when our peers are in their prime.
Where others find love
and contentment,
we still often have to strive
to remember we are worthy,
and heroes just to be alive.
Some of us are healing.
some are stealing.
Most are passing the anger on.
Some give their lives away to drugs,
or the promise of like beyond.
Some still hide from society.
Some struggle to belong.
But all of us are wishing
the past would not hold on
so long.

There's a lot of digging down to do
to find the child within,
to love away the ugly pain
and feel innocence again.
There is forgiveness
worthy of angel's wings
for remembering those at all,
who abused our sacred childhood
and programmed us to fall.
To seek to understand them,
and how their pain became our own,
is to risk the ground we stand on
to climb the mountain home.

The journey is not so lonely
as in the past it s been ...
More of us are strong enough
to let the growth begin.
But while we're trekking
up the mountain
we need everything we've got,
to face the adults we have become,
and all that we are not.
So when you see us weary
from the day's internal climb ...
When we find fault
with your best efforts,
or treat imperfection
as purposeful crime ...
When you see our quick defenses,
our efforts to control,
our readiness to form a plan
of unrealistic goals ...
When we run into a conflict
and fight to the bitter end,
remember ...
We think that winning means
we won't be hurt again.

When we abandon OUR thoughts
and feelings,
to be what we believe YOU
want us to,
or look at trouble we re having,
and want to blame it all on you...
When life calls for new beginnings,
and we fear they re doomed to end,
remember...
Wounded trust is like a wounded knee--
It is very hard to bend.
Please remember this
when we are out of sorts.
Tell us the truth, and be our friend.
For children who were broken...
it is very hard to mend.

--------------------

Not All Scars Show
Not All Wounds Heal
You Can't Always See
The Pain Someone Feels

oh my goodness me. Such a moving,sad, very real, truthful poem. Thank you for sharing. It did hurt to read but I also got 'aaaaaaaah i'm not mad' thanks...yet again

I would also like to offer my help and advice on the topic of this thread.

janspirit, Thank You for posting the Children Who Were Broken poem, I have it and have sent it to others and it rings so true. Again Thank You!!! WWLN

Survived a tough childhood, struggled to survive the fallout in my twenties, ran the gauntlet of depression and feeling suicidal, created tools in order to survive marital and parental pressures, tools I am pleased to share, tools that consist of relaxation, meditation and the use of affirmations, quotes and one-liners, poetry, and cyber friends… Just let me know if you think I may have anything that might help you, too.