Haiku for Sean 3/3/87 ~ 2/14/10

[Silver]

Thanks a bunch, Sarian. It means so much to know that people care, even if it is hard to take. I was just having a good cry because I started reading a book about genetics called The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins ~ I never expected it to affect me in a sentimental way.

[Sarian]

(((((((((SG)))))))))) I have been wanting to read Richard Dawkins books...sounds like it's very good. We never know what will affect us. Your son was about a year older than my oldest son. I went through some difficult times when I feared for his life. But still I can't imagine. I'm so very sorry.

[Silver]

My grandmother lived with the fam growing up. She learned how to sew by hand at age 12. She became a great seamstress and could make anything from doll clothes to wedding gowns. I remember the many times we went shopping and watching as big giant bolts of fabric were rolled out and measured and cut, and all the 'notions', such as zig-zag brick-a-brack (heehee that tickles), a sewer would know what that is...the buttons, zippers even. It's fun and warm to reminisce about my grandma and her talent at sewing. By the time I was a teen, I tried my hand at a few things, some of which were actually wearable, rofl. Yeah, I got lucky a few times.

Yesterday was a verrry emotional day for me, being the Sunday before Valentine's Day ~ many here have read umpteen times about the death of my son on Valentine's Day of 2010. So, it was a day of sadness and many tears. I had been bummed out all day yesterday until I thought of the song I discovered for James (WhiteShaman) that I myself love and find that the more I listen to that song, the more fascinated I am with the youtube video ~

Anyway, my usually quiet neighbor decides to watch a late night movie ~ and THEN play a video game ~ loudly. I resign myself to the times he plays his TV really loud ~ especially when there's a GAME on ~ any popular sports game ~ I have no TV myself...but I was disgruntled and had no choice but to go online and fart around for a while and I listened to that song ("Pink") a few times. That always lifts my spirits and puts a smile on my face.

The funny thing is when I finally am able to go to sleep, I wake up and realize just how deeply I sleep, which is a good thing...so, this morning I woke up, and I really got to thinking about things after thinking that tomorrow is the date ~ 2-14-12 ~ Valentine's Day 2 years after my son's death. I cried of course...I got to thinking about our lives ~ in terms of each of our lives is like a blueprint ~ or a bolt of fabric. Are all of our lives 'done' before we're born? When the fabric runs out on each of our 'bolts' our lives are over? Or do we choose here and there, this and that, the events and choices in our lives? My son's ran out before mine. I cried a lot at that thought.

I'm thinking about the movie, The Matrix. I'm thinking about what goes on in modern day life, the internet and all. I think about the youtube video Pink. Steve Tyler's a rock star. But nowadays, so are we. We wouldn't know him from adam and we wouldn't know each other from adam if it weren't for the computer. Haha~We're all friggin' rock stars, baby! But I'm sad my son's bolt of fabric ran out before mine. Boy, did I cry over that thought. It's just a new, different way of looking at it.

I think about us on this internet meeting place, comparing our 'bolts', what's your life like? How long will it end up being? I was woken up by being in a position where I could hear the blood coursing through my cluttered carotid artery. I wonder when's something in my head gonna explode and there I go. Why did my son's bolt run out first when mine should have. Now what? It still don't feel right. Now what do I do with myself? His life brought so much meaning to mine. His life was my life. In spite of how bad things were going. I 'willed' his life to be good...get better...it -didn't- work. Sigh. I wished so much for his life to be good. Just like any parent.

[Squatchit]

That is a very beautiful and moving post Silvergirl. It's so touching the words you have used about the bolt of fabric and how it's related to your grandmother. It has moved me to tears.

I have a family friend who is going for an MRI scan tomorrow. He found out a couple of weeks ago that he's got prostate cancer. They are doing the scan to see if the cancer has spread or not. And then he starts a course of radiotherapy once they get the results and whatnot. Not only does his scan fall on Valentine's day...it's also his birthday tomorrow.

As you already know, you'll be very much in my thoughts tomorrow.

[Silver]

Wishing the best for your family friend.

I'm truly glad you enjoyed reading it.

[BlueSky]

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

I came up with this Haiku for my Sean, inspired by the recent thread, "I Wanna Haiku With You" ~

My son, I see him.
Smiles at me from worlds away,
Comforts me, at last.

Hugs and blessings to you my friend as I can see from the dates on your post that tomorrow brings with it for you that which I can only imagine I understand.
You are very special.............

James

[Silver]

A double-thank you, James.

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

My grandmother lived with the fam growing up. She learned how to sew by hand at age 12. She became a great seamstress and could make anything from doll clothes to wedding gowns. I remember the many times we went shopping and watching as big giant bolts of fabric were rolled out and measured and cut, and all the 'notions', such as zig-zag brick-a-brack (heehee that tickles), a sewer would know what that is...the buttons, zippers even. It's fun and warm to reminisce about my grandma and her talent at sewing. By the time I was a teen, I tried my hand at a few things, some of which were actually wearable, rofl. Yeah, I got lucky a few times.

Yesterday was a verrry emotional day for me, being the Sunday before Valentine's Day ~ many here have read umpteen times about the death of my son on Valentine's Day of 2010. So, it was a day of sadness and many tears. I had been bummed out all day yesterday until I thought of the song I discovered for James (WhiteShaman) that I myself love and find that the more I listen to that song, the more fascinated I am with the youtube video ~

Anyway, my usually quiet neighbor decides to watch a late night movie ~ and THEN play a video game ~ loudly. I resign myself to the times he plays his TV really loud ~ especially when there's a GAME on ~ any popular sports game ~ I have no TV myself...but I was disgruntled and had no choice but to go online and fart around for a while and I listened to that song ("Pink") a few times. That always lifts my spirits and puts a smile on my face.

The funny thing is when I finally am able to go to sleep, I wake up and realize just how deeply I sleep, which is a good thing...so, this morning I woke up, and I really got to thinking about things after thinking that tomorrow is the date ~ 2-14-12 ~ Valentine's Day 2 years after my son's death. I cried of course...I got to thinking about our lives ~ in terms of each of our lives is like a blueprint ~ or a bolt of fabric. Are all of our lives 'done' before we're born? When the fabric runs out on each of our 'bolts' our lives are over? Or do we choose here and there, this and that, the events and choices in our lives? My son's ran out before mine. I cried a lot at that thought.

I'm thinking about the movie, The Matrix. I'm thinking about what goes on in modern day life, the internet and all. I think about the youtube video Pink. Steve Tyler's a rock star. But nowadays, so are we. We wouldn't know him from adam and we wouldn't know each other from adam if it weren't for the computer. Haha~We're all friggin' rock stars, baby! But I'm sad my son's bolt of fabric ran out before mine. Boy, did I cry over that thought. It's just a new, different way of looking at it.

I think about us on this internet meeting place, comparing our 'bolts', what's your life like? How long will it end up being? I was woken up by being in a position where I could hear the blood coursing through my cluttered carotid artery. I wonder when's something in my head gonna explode and there I go. Why did my son's bolt run out first when mine should have. Now what? It still don't feel right. Now what do I do with myself? His life brought so much meaning to mine. His life was my life. In spite of how bad things were going. I 'willed' his life to be good...get better...it -didn't- work. Sigh. I wished so much for his life to be good. Just like any parent.

very heartfelt words silver girl....you know when I lost my brother a few years ago..I observed my mother after his death. She had lost many close loved ones over her lifetime, but to lose my brother, was deeply painful for her. I remember her asking many years after..I dont why he had to die..In that moment I sensed losing him was the most painful of all the loved ones she had lost in her life. ( I apologize if I have already shared this, but it felt right for how you are feeling in your post)

[Silver]

I don't doubt it...my mom lost one of her 2 sons from her first marriage when he was killed in a car accident at 18 ~ 4 days before my 14th birthday. I remember hearing her downstairs in the kitchen talking and crying over it with grandma while I'd be upstairs having just gone to bed. Now I know the feeling, too. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

[Silver]

I've been looking for the bestest picture of a snow covered mountain to post here, but none are beautiful enough. I've told this story before, how one day I was driving my son to school and took a different route and when we reached the top of the hill and the bend, all of a sudden we were facing the local mountain (I forget the name) covered in snow, on a clear day and I smiled a big smile, looked over at my son, and I swear I saw a tear coming out of his eye. One of my biggest best moments ever to know my son was surprised by the beauty and joy of seeing such an awesome thing.