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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 24-04-2018, 06:42 PM
ohno22 ohno22 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 6
 
Stuck between two abusive relationships

I'm dating a guy for many years who used to be abusive to me and I was emotionally abusive to him. He has hard time dealing with emotions and doesn't understand why he acts certain way. That brought up the worst in me. We were both testing how much we care for each other.

That led to many problems between us and I cheated on him with a guy who seemed perfect for me, but turned out to be even more abusive. In the end that new guy left me. In spite of abuse I hoped we'd spend a life time together.

I spent half a year alone and then got back together with my first boyfriend. He made a lot of progress and we don't fight anymore and he is nice to me.

Problem is that when he does a little mistake my alarms for red flags go on and I freak out and disappear on him. I can't help him understand his mistake, so we end up taking breaks to think and cool down and get back together again.

Another problem is when we're not together I miss my other abusive ex and I sort of hope if he contacted me at that vulnerable time, I would run to him. Part of me wants to revenge my boyfriend, another one wants to hurt me for allowing myself to be treated this way. At that time I seem to lose all feelings for my boyfriend and I don't feel love at all.

The last problem is that I'm excited with little drama and domination as long as it doesn't overstep my boundaries and really healthy men are not a dating material for me at all.

I know how immature this is, but I'd really like to break free from this patterns and I don't know how do it. Honestly, part of me doesn't want to because it makes my life fun and I feel alive, but I think I'm hurting my boyfriend by it more than myself. Most of it he is doing unconsciously and I'm playing intentional game.

I don't even know why I wrote this and what my question is, but if you have anything to say, I'd appreciate it.
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  #2  
Old 26-04-2018, 12:13 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohno22
The last problem is that I'm excited with little drama and domination as long as it doesn't overstep my boundaries and really healthy men are not a dating material for me at all.

I know how immature this is, but I'd really like to break free from this patterns and I don't know how do it. Honestly, part of me doesn't want to because it makes my life fun and I feel alive, but I think I'm hurting my boyfriend by it more than myself. Most of it he is doing unconsciously and I'm playing intentional game.

I don't even know why I wrote this and what my question is, but if you have anything to say, I'd appreciate it.
Hmm! Difficult to reply to because, if I may speak from the heart, it doesn’t sound like you’re having too bad a time ot it but you know you have to change. I’m not so sure about exploiting men - well, anyone, with mind games is healthy from a spiritual viewpoint. People do enough exploiting as managers in a workplace and elsewhere but when it comes to emotions it can do untold damage. Men generally are not as connected with their emotions as are women so can be pretty vulnerable.

But…this is your pitch – or was. Trouble is it has a nasty habit of backfiring. I see nothing wrong with this shade of sado-masochism between consenting people as long as it is consenting. Some of your exploits sound as if they aren’t entirely!

But you want to break the pattern. You’ve joined the right place. It means changing your ethos, your view of yourself and people. You have a fair bit of work as I kind of read that you’d get bored without some of these caprices in your life (within boundaries of your making). Perhaps the future is starting to loom in your mind – you don’t want this stuff to go on forever.

Seems, most times, abusive people have themselves been hurt or poorly nurtured in their earliest years so some of their behaviour is defensive, almost I’d guess avenging the lack of empathetic caring. I’m not saying this is your case necessarily but may be that of people you attract who then go on to abuse.

Well, you want to break away. You’ve made the first step – you’re aware. What I suggest now is you try to work out why. You said you aren’t sure of what the question is…that’s if there is one.
Could it be because you’re actually bored of this interplay, you want to move on?
Or if you dig deep your current arrangement isn’t really fulfilling?
You think that hurting yourself (let alone your bf ) is damaging you?
Or that you might lose him?
Is it that your ethic doesn’t work with ordinary healthy males and that frustrates you? And if so why in particular – like because that gets you angry or frustrated? Or simply, they bore you?

Anyway, it’s a start. Have a look at the Affirmations section. No need to get too spiritual about it. Affirmations are a practical thing that’s been commandeered by the New Age community. Once you know what you want in the immediate future (from life and relationships) you can frame your drive and concentrate on it. It'll take a little effort. Big changes do. What you're looking for doesn’t have to be set in stone, you can adjust things as you go. Don't go in for this "ask the universe" thing. In this context universe is just another word for god. The universe is very big and can take a long time to reply. You can wait years let alone hours waiting for a response from its call centre. Just try to discover in yourself then set out the changes you want to make.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Last edited by Lorelyen : 26-04-2018 at 03:06 PM.
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