How to heal after the relationship ended?

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Thank you. And you know, just dawned on me, that maybe circular dating would be a great idea for women like us who find it difficult to break up when they should.
It's what Rori Raye recommends, for exactly this reason: you don't put all your eggs in one basket, so you don't put all your focus on one guy either. Her idea is that a man would sooner step up to the plate when he feels you have plenty of other options, and I agree. Why commit yourself to a man when he hasn't given you his commitment at all?
Yet, I feel this is what I -and likely many women with me- do. Commit way too soon and long before he's done the same.
A man wants to win you over, pursue you, chase/hunt, and by committing after 2-3 glorious dates, you deprive him of that. Primal instinct in a man, and he will lose interest on a basic level. Doesn't mean it ends there and then. THere's men who stay in relationships without committing for years on end. Even move in with the woman without ever committing. Calling her his girlfriend without committing. Then one wonderful day meet someone else, fall in love, leave the 'girlfriend', suddenly commit to this new woman, marry her within 2 months of the breakup as well, leaving the 'girlfriend' heartbroken and totally confused.
Happens a lot.

By circular dating (dating more than just 1 guy) you won't so easily put too much focus on one guy and I think it might be easier to stop seeing a man when you detect red flags.
I never liked the idea, because it goes against the grain for me, but I think it's exactly that same grain that makes me attach way too soon and then unable to break things off when I detect red flags. Only to end up heartbroken months/years later.
Must be good for self-esteem to have a 'dating pool' and when you feel more confident, it is also much easier to stand up for yourself and stick to your boundaries.

Maybe this would be an option for you too? I now understand why Rori Raye puts so much emphasis on circular dating...

I've heard about that circular thing as well, I believe another relationship coach calls it "rotation". Basically dating several men until you choose to commit to one.

The thing about that is, first of all, it makes me cringe. Just the idea of spending so much time and energy with different men at the same time makes me exhausted already.

Second, where exactly would you go in order to meet several men to date and go out? I have my own business and really the only social place I go is the gym. So I suppose I would have to do online dating?

And last, I believe more on focusing on yourself and living your life and at the right time the right man will appear and you'll know it.

Having said that, I'm sure that rotation/circular dating thing must have some truth in it and help you prevent getting too attached to the wrong guy. It also comes from a place of abundance, as in you don't have to settle for things you don't want when there's so many men wanting to date you. Whilst accepting things you don't like because that's the only guy you are dating and focusing comes from a place of fear and scarcity. I get that.

And I'm sure dating several men makes you see the difference between them.

I don't know, I might start a profile on an online dating service and just let the guys do the work. lol My idea for not doing online dating is because I believe that the Universe doesn't need help in bringing you Mr Right, but I guess maybe I need to look at it differently. Have you tried online dating yourself?

Basically what I would do now after this last experience is just stay in my own world until I meet someone else. I would put dating at the end of my priorities, but I guess that doesn't help to move on either. We need experiences and to meet different types of men in order to feel how is like to be treated properly.

You definitely gave me some food for thought here! lol

With this guy though the issue wasn't the commitment, because I know he was serious and committed already. It was just the fact that I thought I knew him already (from 13 years ago) and I jumped over the parts of dating and getting to know each other because of that. Also, with the distance between us, there was a lack of oppotunities to date in a "normal" way, so we speed up everything. Again, having someone that lives close by was at the top of my list of the things I want in a partner, so I should have never get involved with him in the first place.

He sent me a message today saying he knows I don't want to see him or talk to him but wishing me a lovely Christmas. I don't feel anger towards him anymore, now that I realised what happened. I might meet him and have a conversation face-to-face so we can heal this situation and each move on with their lives. Still deciding what to do. I am going away back to my country in a week, and we are now about 15 minutes apart, so it might be a good time to do that.

[FairyCrystal]

I get all my dates from dating sites. I have a very small circle, I don't work, and live in a remote area. Plus, I don't really resonate with the ppl from this area, so I'm hoping to find someone from a bit further away. Meaning going out locally isn't going to serve me, dating sites do.
So yes, I have experience with dating sites, my to-go-to place for dating.

I also believe in the Universe bringing me the right partner, but I also understand that if you aren't to be found, the Universe cannot bring him to me. I don;t work, am at home in my own little world so to speak, I do go out, but contrary to popular belief pubs aren't the place to meet a partner (too much boozing and ppl don't go out to find a partner, but to have fun --> wrong place, wrong time)
I am a strong believer of Law of Attraction, I work with it every day. But you do have to make yourself available. If you aren't to be found because of your own circumstances, how can he be 'delivered' to you? So I'd say, yes, make a profile on a few dating sites.
Doing that also has to do with energy and Law of Attraction: if you don't get yourself to the vibration of the right partner for you, he cannot come either.
I've followed a lot of dating / relationship coaches over the years, and I'm beginning to see that 'the work' is basically all to do with Law of Attraction. So it is important if you want to have a man find you that you are a) on the right vibration for a partner and b) can be found.

I'm getting back into the dating site waters myself. Not to find the right one just yet, I'm not ready for that at the mo. But I simply want to get out there again, a bit of casual dating, getting a life going, socializing and some positive attention from men. Simply having fun, enjoying life and the dating process.
The latter being a bit of an obstacle, as I've never truly enjoyed dating. I think of it as a lot of to-do. I only enjoy dating when I've met someone that looks promising. The 'getting to know each other' phase.
Yet, I will do my best to change that, and to get a more active dating life going. And I will also try the circular dating. However reluctant I was about that 2 years ago, now I feel good about it. Why the heck not do that? I'm not looking to be tied down at the mo, I'm not looking for a serious commitment just yet. But I do want to enjoy life. I've been living like a hermit for way too long. Time to get out there!

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

I get all my dates from dating sites. I have a very small circle, I don't work, and live in a remote area. Plus, I don't really resonate with the ppl from this area, so I'm hoping to find someone from a bit further away. Meaning going out locally isn't going to serve me, dating sites do.
So yes, I have experience with dating sites, my to-go-to place for dating.

I also believe in the Universe bringing me the right partner, but I also understand that if you aren't to be found, the Universe cannot bring him to me. I don;t work, am at home in my own little world so to speak, I do go out, but contrary to popular belief pubs aren't the place to meet a partner (too much boozing and ppl don't go out to find a partner, but to have fun --> wrong place, wrong time)
I am a strong believer of Law of Attraction, I work with it every day. But you do have to make yourself available. If you aren't to be found because of your own circumstances, how can he be 'delivered' to you? So I'd say, yes, make a profile on a few dating sites.
Doing that also has to do with energy and Law of Attraction: if you don't get yourself to the vibration of the right partner for you, he cannot come either.
I've followed a lot of dating / relationship coaches over the years, and I'm beginning to see that 'the work' is basically all to do with Law of Attraction. So it is important if you want to have a man find you that you are a) on the right vibration for a partner and b) can be found.

I'm getting back into the dating site waters myself. Not to find the right one just yet, I'm not ready for that at the mo. But I simply want to get out there again, a bit of casual dating, getting a life going, socializing and some positive attention from men. Simply having fun, enjoying life and the dating process.
The latter being a bit of an obstacle, as I've never truly enjoyed dating. I think of it as a lot of to-do. I only enjoy dating when I've met someone that looks promising. The 'getting to know each other' phase.
Yet, I will do my best to change that, and to get a more active dating life going. And I will also try the circular dating. However reluctant I was about that 2 years ago, now I feel good about it. Why the heck not do that? I'm not looking to be tied down at the mo, I'm not looking for a serious commitment just yet. But I do want to enjoy life. I've been living like a hermit for way too long. Time to get out there!

I read you saying "I've been living like a hermit for way too long" and I thought immediately ME TOO!

Before this guy contacted me last summer my last date was in February 2016! Can you believe that?

I did have another guy I was attracted to but we only had a brief coffee with a common friend and nothing came out of there.

I guess dating was not in my list of priorities for a long time.

I agree with you, putting ourselves out there is a way of saying I am open to meet my Mr Right.

For example, in my business, things only started to change AFTER I opened up and started showing myself: doing webinars, going on social media, doing lives, partner up with other business people, join business websites, etc.

Before doing all those things, I was basically inside my shell in my comfort zone in my home, waiting for my business to grow and for something to happen, and getting frustrated and exhausted.

When I decided to get out of my shell and out of my confort zone and starting to put myself out there, BOOM! Opportunites started to happen, new clients, partnerships, etc. But it started with a change on myself first.

We live in a you first Universe, so I guess I need to do something similar and need to put myself out there, so I can meet the right partner half way.

I'll give it a try on the online dating thing after the new year. After all I've got nothing to lose and it might even be fun. But I only want to meet guys that I REALLY feel a spark with and am interested, after talking for a bit online.

Like you, I don't enjoy dating but I like the "getting to know each other", so that's why I'll only meet people I really am interested.

Regarding that guy I broke up with recently, I've decided not to meet him again. We exchanged a few messages and he was going back to saying how much he feels for me and etc, and then he said he was all alone on Christmas eve and day at his home. He looks like an old man that doesn't like anyone so he isolates himself from his family and everyone else. I do not resonate with that at all, because to me my spiritual journey has been the complete opposite: opening up into the world. And we are now definitely not on the same vibration. So, I choose to let him go which is the best for both really.

I am starting to get excited in regards to the dating thing really. lol

[oldasthesea]

One simple thing

Be Grateful that it happened.
Better to live something than not to live.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by oldasthesea

One simple thing

Be Grateful that it happened.
Better to live something than not to live.

Yes I am grateful. The experience showed me a lot of things about myself, I have released old templates of behaviour, I have realised what I really want in a romantic partnership and a man, and a few more things.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

Yes I am grateful. The experience showed me a lot of things about myself, I have released old templates of behaviour, I have realised what I really want in a romantic partnership and a man, and a few more things.

If you do go for dating sites, make sure you get a real good profile text for yourself. Think of it like what you'd say / show to a potential date in real life.
For instance, many people on dating sites stick things in their profile text like;
If you are X DO NOT contact me!!!!!!
If you do that DO NOT mail me!!!!
I DO NOT want this, please leave me alone if you are like that!!

All those negatives and screaming texts are a sure way to attract the wrong men. The best way to go about it is to make your text as positive as can be. Lighthearted and a bit funny if that resonates with you of course.
Thing is, positiveness repels negative people and attract other positive people.
If your text is negative (don't do this, do not do that) you are negative and thus will attract losers, players, miserable people.

Have some fun with it.
Don't be too picky about dating either. Of course you should have some common ground, but don't just date with the idea of "You could be my possible life partner!!"
Date with the idea of "I could have a really nice afternoon with you!"
Nothing more, nothing less. If it turns out to be more, great! If not, you had a nice afternoon. If you expect to meet your Mr Right every time, you will get disappointed a lot, and in the end will start to lose hope. So don't do that to yourself. Just date with the idea of meeting an interesting man, or a nice guy, to have a nice coffee and chat with. That way you won't be nervous about meeting a man either. If you think you may meet your future husband the stakes suddenly go up like crazy, and disappointment is just around the corner, and will hit you hard if he turns out not to be all that great.

And apart from all that, go for it, girl!!
I know I will. Let's both get out there, kick ourselves out of our comfort-zones and live!

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

If you do go for dating sites, make sure you get a real good profile text for yourself. Think of it like what you'd say / show to a potential date in real life.
For instance, many people on dating sites stick things in their profile text like;
If you are X DO NOT contact me!!!!!!
If you do that DO NOT mail me!!!!
I DO NOT want this, please leave me alone if you are like that!!

All those negatives and screaming texts are a sure way to attract the wrong men. The best way to go about it is to make your text as positive as can be. Lighthearted and a bit funny if that resonates with you of course.
Thing is, positiveness repels negative people and attract other positive people.
If your text is negative (don't do this, do not do that) you are negative and thus will attract losers, players, miserable people.

Have some fun with it.
Don't be too picky about dating either. Of course you should have some common ground, but don't just date with the idea of "You could be my possible life partner!!"
Date with the idea of "I could have a really nice afternoon with you!"
Nothing more, nothing less. If it turns out to be more, great! If not, you had a nice afternoon. If you expect to meet your Mr Right every time, you will get disappointed a lot, and in the end will start to lose hope. So don't do that to yourself. Just date with the idea of meeting an interesting man, or a nice guy, to have a nice coffee and chat with. That way you won't be nervous about meeting a man either. If you think you may meet your future husband the stakes suddenly go up like crazy, and disappointment is just around the corner, and will hit you hard if he turns out not to be all that great.

And apart from all that, go for it, girl!!
I know I will. Let's both get out there, kick ourselves out of our comfort-zones and live!

Well I've started today a profile on a dating site! lol

You know, over a year ago I used to have a profile on this same dating site and was receiving messages from guys that were interested, but the thing is, I didn't have a paid subscription at that time so I couldn't see their messages, their profiles or respond to them. I guess dating really wasn't a priority to me at that time!

Now I realise that by doing that I was putting a wall up and a blockage to meet someone special. So how would the Universe bring me that person?

Now I am going to buy a paid subscription and have fun with the whole thing. Yes the goal is to find Mr Right (or we find each other), but at the same time it is also to realise now that we live in an abundant Universe, and get used to talk and interact with several men, see how they are, how they make me feel, etc. I need that kind of "training".

I still feel I am healing from this experience but maybe this online dating thing will also help on that and on moving on. At least I don't go back to my shell, and stay open.

New Year resolutions! lol

Thank you so much FairyCrystal, I'll invite you to my wedding if I meet Mr Right through online dating! lolololol

[ForgedInFire]

Circular dating? I see that as a manipulation and tool of control that uses competition to get a favorable outcome. Sure that might work for people still clinging onto old templates but for people like me..its repulsive. I cant think of a faster way to disengage with someone then to find out of being on some arbitrary list of "whose going to do more for me(my ego)". I'd be so fast to help someone out the door knowing that i was being gauged to check off their unrealistic female demands boxes.

[ssdm1]

Originally Posted by ForgedInFire

Circular dating? I see that as a manipulation and tool of control that uses competition to get a favorable outcome. Sure that might work for people still clinging onto old templates but for people like me..its repulsive. I cant think of a faster way to disengage with someone then to find out of being on some arbitrary list of "whose going to do more for me(my ego)". I'd be so fast to help someone out the door knowing that i was being gauged to check off their unrealistic female demands boxes.

I've never been comfortable with the whole online dating thing (not to say this does not work for others). I know people who have met their significant other by doing this. For me personally it does not make me feel good about myself. I just feel like a piece of merchandise and I know I'm better than that.

My twin went through the circular dating thing after his divorce. Dating like crazy, deciding on 2 women to continue dating and now living with one. Yet he still stays in contact with many other women, keeping that door open.

[hallow]

From a males point of view. I have broken up with and hurt a number of times. At one point i was married for 10 years and we were raising a child together. The first time she left, she wanted too "go out and have fun". We split up. After a few months past we kissed an made up. Once again after a few months, she did the same thing. Both times i was left to raise the child. Again in a few months she wanted to get back together. I am one who always took relationships very seriously. I didn't take her back the 3rd time. It was tough but what i learned out of that relationship was priceless. I know of aother person going through the same thing now. I just want to tell him if she ever loved you she would drag you along. Hes trying to make her love him. Ok, that never works! That's a lot of time an energy wasted on 1 person who will never love you the same. Love should be 50/50! After one hell of a learning experience i found a person who actually loves me. Youll find yours. You just have to know exactly what you want and go find that. If you do know, go have fun play trial and error for a while till you know