Breaking up someone's romantic attachment (advice appreciated)

Imzadi · #1 06-07-2018, 10:19 PM

Someone has fallen really hard for me and I am trying to tread carefully and respond kindly to the best of my ability. Sometimes when obsessions can get out of control, it freaks me out and it could be easily lead to resentment. I don't want to feel resentment because I know how painful it can be to be obsessively attached to someone who cannot reciprocate. So I want to be as compassionate and empathetic as I can be. Anyways, I am about to deliver this message in person in a couple of hours. Please let me know any thoughts or advice you can give. Thank you.

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My dear friend,

I know with absolute certainty that I cannot and cannot ever fulfill the role as your lover or spouse because that is not a role that is for me. I realize now more than ever thanks to your immense love and compassion that what my heart desires the most is a celibate life of service in a monastic fashion. I feel a great sense of empathy and love not for any single person exclusively, but for humanity and nature as a whole. I do not feel the passion and desire of romantic love and it is doubtful that this will ever change. I am deeply sorry if I might have caused disappointment, but I am grateful that I can sort this out now rather than later. This isn't easy and I am doing my best to be as sensitive and kind as possible to prevent any more pain and confusion. I know you will in time find a lover that shares all your dreams, hopes, desires, and passions that will treat you as you deserve. However, that person is not me. While I cannot love you in the same way as you for me, I treasure and cherish your well-being and would always love and care about you. I hope I can continue to support you on your journey of life as a friend that you can count on.

Kind regards,
Imzadi
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Does that sound ok?

Ciona · #2 06-07-2018, 10:56 PM

I think it's great that you explain where you are coming from, from a spiritual standpoint and reinforce that you are not the person they are looking for, as well as communicating to them that you want to support them. I don't think it gets too much better than that.

So not much from me in the way of advice, I just hope that if they cannot accept it that you continue to stand wherever you know you are supposed to stand and remember to take care of yourself. I think you have great and wonderful energy and I've always enjoyed your posts Imzadi. Good luck.

Imzadi · #3 06-07-2018, 11:57 PM

Thanks for the encouragement and kind words, Sister Moon. I just want to do this right so that this situation can manifest beautifully and clearly for the highest good of all. This obsession is a bit like someone being an addict and I'm unfortunately their fix. I don't want to enable them, but still offer compassionate understanding with the right amount of distance and boundaries. It's a tricky scenario for sure. To someone experiencing this sort of obsession, it can feel like life and death so I want to be very sensitive and compassionate while maintaining proper loving detachment. I'm really nervous, but praying that the Universe can guide me through!

Ciona · #4 07-07-2018, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imzadi

I just want to do this right so that this situation can manifest beautifully and clearly for the highest good of all.

Yes! That's the way it works. Bottom line, no matter what anyone might personally want or what the configuration is, in these scenarios. It looks like you've got a good grasp on things. I"m sure the Universe will be there to guide you toward that end, whatever it may be. Hope it went/goes well! Or I should say, as well as it can go.

Imzadi · #5 07-07-2018, 01:16 AM

Ok, I just did it! It went better than I expected. I prayed beforehand and we had a good talk. There was some sadness, pain, and disappointment, but overall my honesty was appreciated. Looks like we can continue to be friends with mutual love and respect. :)

SaturninePluto · #6 07-07-2018, 01:27 AM

Very glad to hear this Imzadi, and I thought your message was honest, compassionate, and beautiful.

Ciona · #7 07-07-2018, 05:06 AM

Glad to hear you had such a good outcome.

Eternal Flame · #8 07-07-2018, 02:00 PM

Praying before hand always helps!

Good for you!

Imzadi · #9 07-07-2018, 07:27 PM

An update: They are still trying to have me fall in love with them. Still hoping and expecting that I would "turn around" and be with them. Wants me to marry them.... This makes me a bit frustrated, but I am trying to be patient and maybe explain to them the true meaning of love that goes beyond attachments, desires, and spousal titles and roles. Have you guys experienced this and how do you handle this situation? I'm doing my best to be sensitive and kind, but I feel this obsession may be turning a bit toxic and unhealthy.

This reminds me of a Zen story in which a monk was meditating for years sponsored by an old woman who believed in his path. One day she decided to test his resolve by sending a young woman full of desire and passion to him. The monk rejected the young woman coldly and without compassion resenting her desire causing her much grief and pain. Upon learning of this, the old woman destroyed the hut that she gave him and admonished him, "All these years of meditating and you had not learn a thing!" or something to that degree.

I think of this story often whenever I encounter situations like this in which someone becomes obsessively enamored. To strike the right balance between letting them understand I am not what they seek and smartly create healthy boundaries and let them know their advances are being wasted can be a challenge. I think I can relate to the Zen story so that I can utilize this experience as perhaps a Spiritual teaching moment and show true compassion and love that is not of the addictive obsessive kind. Maybe this could aid in their own Spiritual awakening.

P.S. I must regrettably admit that in the past, I had been callous and cold like the monk in the story. Perhaps this is my opportunity to redeem myself now that I can better empathize with the pain of an all consuming maddening desire.

Ciona · #10 09-07-2018, 02:08 AM

Well you have to take care of yourself first, that's the thing. With firm boundaries.

Their higher self will take care of them, it knows what to do. It's hard when we are looking towards the highest and kindest outcome. You know one or both of you have gotten stuck in a rut when you have to create a PowerPoint presentation for someone to understand, is my experience. I'm still trying to navigate my way through one connection which got totally gnarled up, it's a shame that even when you've sorted yourself, you can still run into a wall. That's where higher selves come in and you can't access each other that way being each other's babysitters, at least not in the long run. Not suggesting you are doing that btw. It's just a comment based off of what I've learned personally. You can always give love though, which it sounds like you are doing. And I recognize there are divinely orchestrated situations...have a few of those myself.

Hope things get sorted out. :)