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  #1  
Old 30-07-2016, 05:18 PM
username4this username4this is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 58
 
My story

Hello. First time poster, couple of weeks lurker on Soulmates & Twin Flames forums :).

First of all let me just apologize for bad English.
I just wanted to write about my dilemmas and feelings and get some kind of input and advice from you guys :)

Im a 41 year old lady and I read about the term "twin flames" couple of weeks ago for the first time in my life. Before that I never ever heard or read about said term nor I knew there is such a phenomenon described as twin flames experiences. Im not your typical new age hippy in tune with universe type of person, never was that way. Not that there is something wrong with that, but Im just not like that and I never was like that. I always was more of a skeptic, agnostic, science type of person, and some kind of rational type of Christian at the same time. Just to let you know about my spiritual background.

I always thought that things that happened to me considering that guy was just my personal misfortune and that nothing similar happened to anybody in the world. I know it sounds silly, you are never "the only one in the world with any type of experiences" but it seamed that way to me for a long time.

After reading about TF and TF phases I was amazed that same thing happened to so many different people all over the world, I honesty thought Im the only idiot ever that experienced something like that. To this day Im not sure how I feel about TF mythology and explanations of origins and so on, I read many different type of explanations so far. The only thing Im sure is that I lived TF experiences for so many years and Im gonna use the term TF for the sake of understanding what Im talking about.

Ive met my TF back in 1999, I was 24 he was 18 years older than me, and married. We met in the most unpredictable, strange, movie-like circumstances. In that moment I was not seeking for anybody new to meet, it was on the strangest place and in the strangest time. I wasnt actively seeking for anybody or anything nor I ever wish or could imagine things that will happen to me later.

After meeting him for days I had the most amazing and confusing feeling that I know him already, I knew he is gonna be a huge part of my life I felt feelings of "I know him already and this is so important" to the point I had no idea what to do with those feelings or why is this happening. At the same time I felt incredibly grateful that I know of his existence which confused me the most since rationally I was asking my self why would I be even grateful for knowing about his existence since he is just a guy I just met, guy who is also others person husband and whatnot... But later more about this feeling.

At first we were just friends. I know back then he felt like he know me already and he talked about it to his friends to which he introduced me and wanted me to be friends with some of them. But also note we were just friends and him talking dearly about me meant just that him being nice and all.

Our communication, friendship and semi-business related relationship lasted for 6 years. During this time I knew I wanted more form him, felt in love all the time felt like I belong with him (I want to write about this more later), we also been disconnected sort of speaking couple of times (different jobs, no phones time prior to us owning cell phones or pc) but it was also miraculously continued coupe of times in a movie- like way.

All that time, every day, every hour since that day we first talk back in 1999 I knew I belong next to him, I was longing for him, wanting him and basically my life was a just a meticulous process of me trying to find a way to be with him, next to him, in contact with him, been friend with him - you named it, you can call it whatever it was all just about him.
I felt turning to god, prayed a lot and besides constant wondering why do I feel that way and when we will get together that was all I did (basically).

After of some strange events and things that happened we intensified our friendship and then start dating back in 2005 and did so until end of 2007. Now I say dating he didnt called it that way, I guess his wife didnt call it that way too. He used to explain our relationship as friendship then as semi-business related thing, then as something he feels obligated to do ie to get out with me to brunches, lunches, dinners, theater plays, concerts, or to grab a coffee and so on...

It was a strange time, and for you to understand now it is gonna be really hard... I know his wife knew hes going out with me that I know for sure, I also know he didnt like to call it (romantic) dates also did we get out together, kiss, touched, groped, or how do you guys call it petting -yeah we did it, did we get to the dinner or lunch or brunch afterwords or before -yeah we did, did we went to opera plays and theater plays and musical concerts -yeah we did, did he gave me lots of compliments and used every single time to put his hands into my cleavage and bosoms -yeah he did (sorry if to graphic). Did he called that dates, no he didnt like to call it dates.

And now to the part of the reason of separations, at the same time of our dates, we talked on the phone couple times of a day every single day, we were seeing each other couple times a week too. Now we come to the part of the verbal arguments. What was the reason? It was hard to say. I was too clingy I wanted more, just more of him more of his time, he kept saying Im too clingy and he has other obligations and his hearts brakes when he sees me from being happy to sad in the moment he says "we have to go now" (our date is over).
But it is not that easy to explain now, our verbal discussions and fights (just verbal of course to make that clear) were strange, out of the blue, with strange, stupid reasons and we, especially him we consider our self to be highly rational people...

But suddenly the fights were huge and irrational and painful for me at least. I mean he is rational down to earth type of a guy, and yet he used to call me then then - get this- then he would accuse me of me being to clingy and wanting him to call me all the time. I mean it was just insane, logic was gone, it was like both of us lost it like we were in some strange whirlpool without any kind of help any kind of rational input on how to solve our situation.

Verbal fights were huger and huger and more painful for me, I felt like Im the loser in it all sine he had everything wife and family and I had just him and nothing else in the wold. Verbal fights were also kinda painful for me since he accused me of being too clingy, too emotional to irrational to the point that I felt offended (lets call it that) and one huge verbal fight later we were over.
I kinda did something that effected his job, also some people he works with find out about us (I mean his wife knew it but he didnt mind it but his coworkers..)
So there was this huge fight, we both end up hurt, I felt like I was a victim giving to much and got nothing in return, he felt like he was betrayed and his job thing suffered too, well we both felt like we were the one that is hurt more than the other person...

Our separation happened back in 2008, I dint want to live but I obviously lived. I didnt do anything to myself but I was thinking about it. Metaphorically speaking I stopped living I just dwell like a plant for a while.
Well if for a while means 7 years then yeah "for a while". I was angry with him, with me, with god. In one in our last conversation after our huge fight I asked him will he ever forgive me things I did he said (unconsciously just blabbed I dont know how to explain that) in 7 years time -I dont know maybe he just wanted to hurt me by saying that long period of time, but that sentence was the last thing I had from him my last hope.
I manage to persuade my self that we will reconcile in a 7 years time if I get to be around for that long... I waited my seven years to be over, sometimes in a great anger why this all happened sometimes with lots of hope that we will eventually reconcile...
I tried to talk to him couple of times prior to 7 years mark got couple of texts msg, but we didnt end up talking or anything... After my 7 years mark I tried to text him he deleted his phone number, tried to msg him on fb he blocked my messages, sent him couple of emails I dont know did he read it or they went straight to spam folder...
And here we are in the present days, after coincidental reading of something else I stumbled upon TF term, read about it and here am I now.

Now I want to write about those two distinct type of feeling that actually make this whole experience TF type of thing.

Ever since I talked to him for the first time back in 1999 to this day, every day, every hour, all the time I felt two distinct type of feelings about him me and our relationship:
first one type of feeling is- I felt like I belong with this guy, just with him,nobody else just him. I felt like Im out of my own, all alone and exposed whenever I wasnt in contact with him. That is the strangest feeling of all. Feeling that you are not where you suppose to be, you are left out, alone somewhere and you dont belong there you belong with that guy. It is like homesickness only you know your home is next to that guy, being with him no matter whether is in romantic or friendship type of relationship. I would felt displaced, taken from somewhere whenever I wouldnt be in contact with him. My soul hurt, my heart hurt, my head hurt I felt alone, exposed and like I dont belong nowhere but with him.

From the day we met to this day I would have occasionally attack of that feeling I call it feeling since it is not the thought but rather a feeling that goes all over your body, feeling in a form of though, I would think to myself suddenly out of the blue "how can anybody in the world can be happy if they dont know about that guy existence".

It sounds nuts, it sounds beyond silly I know. I would, for example sitting talking with couple of acquaintances talking suddenly I would get that feeling all over my body and my mind asking my self how can they be happy if they dont even know that guy (they didnt know him personally). Then I would shake it off , thinking to my self am I that nuts asking my self stupid question like that. But I felt all the time like the only way to feel happy to be happy is to know about his existence and be in his vicinity. Yeah I know it sounds nuts.

It was like my soul and my mind couldnt grasp the idea of being happy or fulfill if he is not around one way or another.

Second type of feeling I had since the day one till now is the feeling of being punished in a way by life (universe, god whoever) by living this life without that guy. I felt constant feeling of huge injustice being done to me by not living my life with that guy. I felt like it wasnt fair, it wasnt right, it is like this huge cosmic injustice that Im not with him.
Also I feel like ever moment of my life not being with him is just waste of my time, my energy and my spiritual resources. I know this sounds awful, I promise you Im not a bad person, but just I felt like Im wasting my time by not being with him.
I have this I would call it intense fear of wasting my time without him to the point I start believing maybe my higher self as you guys call it or my soul is trying to tell me something... I dont know what but maybe my spiritual time (I dont mean my physical time) is kinda up and I felt like I wasted on anything that is not being with that guy.

I wish I had read about this stuff long time ago, but I didnt have anything any kind of help or person to talk to about him and things that were happening and also I haven't used interent back then to read about this kind of stuff.
I would write more later, sorry for the long post, thanks for reading :)
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  #2  
Old 30-07-2016, 10:48 PM
username4this username4this is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 58
 
So I wanted to ask does anybody else feels the unfairness of it all and how to deal with that?
Also as many wrote before me seams unfair that I have to suffer that much and be alone yet he has wife and fulfilled life, knowing him if he would to suffer like me just for a day he would do anything to end it and he would think of himself first.

I know he miss me I just know that, I assure you its not wishful thinking of delusion but I also know he doesn't miss me or suffer AS much as I do.
I know that the pain of chaser is way way bigger than the pain of the runners.

Also, I know this sounds so awful and I know this isn't "competition about who suffers more in a TF relationship" but still chasers have dealt with such a bad role, unwillingly.

You may say that I dont have to suffer I can be happy but Im telling you I feel like I cant be happy without him.

You know what else is not fair? The fact that the only real, rational, earthly reason we are not together is his wife. Why I have to suffer and yet she got him for so many many years in marriage. It is just not fair, its not, it feels like some kind of huge cosmic mistake some kind of a glitch or something. Yeah, you gonna say god or cosmos does not make mistakes but what if they do?

And not just that his wife is our only obstacles it is that all she represents. He felt obligated to keep family together while kids were young, but also shes the sole owner of his apartment if he would to divorce he would have to rent and renting in his age where we live is not something people like to do. If there isnt for that, if he had more on his own, only if he would be more brave to do right thing...

You may say I got all wrong since its a spiritual thing but lets face it it is also a financial thing at least in this part of the world where we live, where people have less and also have less of social security in general. He would be basically different person if he lived in a first world country, since he works in a nice respectable industry but not real money since that's the way we live in this part of the world....

Ok that was my rant about his life circumstances.
I know you will say this is spiritual thing and he would act the same if we were some other nationality but I really feel like even so it wouldn't last for so long, we would get together and things would work out way more quicker than its happening now...

He has such a burden of keeping up appearances of happily married man, working hard to maintain that image, knowing that if he would like to be alone and call it quits he would left basically homeless (without his own home I mean)... Also he is afraid of social stigma of divorce even though there is no real social stigma of it anymore in real life, but I know he feels that way since he is old fashioned in that way.

I mean, I dont need his divorce, and now I dont need nothing much besides text message or one just one message anywhere just to write me he is ok and ask me how am I doing, just that.
Im just trying to explain why I feel it not fair and it wasn't fair in the past...

I also wanted to ask you guys how to cope with the feeling of being in the hurry all the time, sometimes I just cant take how many years we lost. Sometimes I just cant deal with the fact that Im here waiting for him, loving him and he is out there with her and he wont ask me how am I doing after all those years, even when I reached out for him and begged him just to write me one word back.
I mean, yeah I was hopping for us to talk on the phone and eventually see each other but when I realized he wont even answer to my message I start begging for a word, just to type a word just one word...
Jesus this sounds so pathetic and wrong and I sound like a such a loser...
And Im not a loser, I love my self a lot I know I deserve the best I know I deserve good things in life but I also know that I without him nothing feels good, nothing.
It's like looking a taste bud and not being able to taste food, thats how it feels...

Also, wanted to ask about TF being mirrors to each other. What does that mean? In the mirror you see things different than in real life, left is right and right is left and so on so what does that mean in terms of TF?
Does it mean that when I reach out he runs away, when Im feeling angry with him he feels angry at me too or what?
Can somebody please explain the whole mirroring thing to me.

Dont get me wrong, I rant a lot, but I love him so much. Couple weeks ago I felt influx of love I felt like my heart and stomach is gonna explode, it was such a huge wave of love towards him, it was the kind of love you feel towards your lover but also towards your child and parents, and family and friends and pets, it was just pure love and I let it flow thru me without asking myself "who do you love? a guy whose with another woman at this very moment?".

Im not a mom nor I will ever be, I dont even have pets and not many friends or anything, so the love Im talking about is just a strange mixture of all kinds of pure, warm love you can feel towards people... that kind of love....
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  #3  
Old 30-07-2016, 11:22 PM
lancing lancing is offline
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Nowhere
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Your story is both heartbreaking and beautiful. No, you're certainly not a loser! You're a passionate, loving person and you just want someone that you love to recognize you and your love. There's nothing wrong with that.

From the passion of your words, it's obvious that you love him very much and that you're in a lot of pain. I'm so sorry for your pain. You deserve the love that you seek and that you feel you are missing.

I honestly, can't answer your questions because I don't know much about the twin flame theory and my brain seems to be on vacation right now...but I can tell you that there are some knowledgeable, insightful, wise and caring people here who should be able to answer them and offer you some support and guidance. Oh, and can I ask where you're from?

Thank you for sharing you story. I hope that your friend contacts you, love. Namaste.
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  #4  
Old 30-07-2016, 11:42 PM
username4this username4this is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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lancing
Thank you so much for your kind words :)

I would prefer not to say my location, it's one of those depressing tiny places on earth with nothing to offer.
Fun fact - I never heard anybody speaking about TF phenomenon where I live, that just isn't a part of any narrative or something people talk about at all,
while things like astrology, tarot readings, future prediction and all sorts of law of attraction type of knowledge is something people are into a lot though.
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  #5  
Old 31-07-2016, 01:44 AM
lancing lancing is offline
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Join Date: May 2016
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I respect your decision not to disclose your location. That's no problem. The tf phenomenon is not widely talked about anywhere it seems. I only heard of it myself because my.... (I don't use the labels) asked me what I knew about soul groups and told me that I should look it up. I did and somehow I found information on the twin flame theory. It blew my mind! Honestly...it's amazing the things we're unaware of. Oh, this made me think about what you wrote about unfairness. It does seem unfair, especially when one person knows about the whole thing, hints about it A LOT, leads you to some...spiritual things, then leaves you to experience all of that pain without telling you, even though they knew it was coming (I know it's strange). That seems unfair. However, we all have our trials to go through and just because someone is experiencing something different than you doesn't mean that things are unfair.

One thing I learned about twin flames is that the runner hurts just as much as the chaser. On both sides, there is room for understanding what the other is going through. Perhaps that's why the pain is compounded, because each twin feels their own pain plus the pain of the other. I also learned that sending love through the connection can help with some of the pain. (Not too sure about this).

Anyway, I hope someone pops in and gives you more information and not just kind words like I did.
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  #6  
Old 31-07-2016, 03:05 AM
hineahuone hineahuone is offline
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Posts: 580
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by username4this
So I wanted to ask does anybody else feels the unfairness of it all and how to deal with that?
Also as many wrote before me seams unfair that I have to suffer that much and be alone yet he has wife and fulfilled life, knowing him if he would to suffer like me just for a day he would do anything to end it and he would think of himself first.

I know he miss me I just know that, I assure you its not wishful thinking of delusion but I also know he doesn't miss me or suffer AS much as I do.
I know that the pain of chaser is way way bigger than the pain of the runners.

Also, I know this sounds so awful and I know this isn't "competition about who suffers more in a TF relationship" but still chasers have dealt with such a bad role, unwillingly.

You may say that I dont have to suffer I can be happy but Im telling you I feel like I cant be happy without him.

You know what else is not fair? The fact that the only real, rational, earthly reason we are not together is his wife. Why I have to suffer and yet she got him for so many many years in marriage. It is just not fair, its not, it feels like some kind of huge cosmic mistake some kind of a glitch or something. Yeah, you gonna say god or cosmos does not make mistakes but what if they do?

And not just that his wife is our only obstacles it is that all she represents. He felt obligated to keep family together while kids were young, but also shes the sole owner of his apartment if he would to divorce he would have to rent and renting in his age where we live is not something people like to do. If there isnt for that, if he had more on his own, only if he would be more brave to do right thing...

You may say I got all wrong since its a spiritual thing but lets face it it is also a financial thing at least in this part of the world where we live, where people have less and also have less of social security in general. He would be basically different person if he lived in a first world country, since he works in a nice respectable industry but not real money since that's the way we live in this part of the world....

Ok that was my rant about his life circumstances.
I know you will say this is spiritual thing and he would act the same if we were some other nationality but I really feel like even so it wouldn't last for so long, we would get together and things would work out way more quicker than its happening now...

He has such a burden of keeping up appearances of happily married man, working hard to maintain that image, knowing that if he would like to be alone and call it quits he would left basically homeless (without his own home I mean)... Also he is afraid of social stigma of divorce even though there is no real social stigma of it anymore in real life, but I know he feels that way since he is old fashioned in that way.

I mean, I dont need his divorce, and now I dont need nothing much besides text message or one just one message anywhere just to write me he is ok and ask me how am I doing, just that.
Im just trying to explain why I feel it not fair and it wasn't fair in the past...

I also wanted to ask you guys how to cope with the feeling of being in the hurry all the time, sometimes I just cant take how many years we lost. Sometimes I just cant deal with the fact that Im here waiting for him, loving him and he is out there with her and he wont ask me how am I doing after all those years, even when I reached out for him and begged him just to write me one word back.
I mean, yeah I was hopping for us to talk on the phone and eventually see each other but when I realized he wont even answer to my message I start begging for a word, just to type a word just one word...
Jesus this sounds so pathetic and wrong and I sound like a such a loser...
And Im not a loser, I love my self a lot I know I deserve the best I know I deserve good things in life but I also know that I without him nothing feels good, nothing.
It's like looking a taste bud and not being able to taste food, thats how it feels...

Also, wanted to ask about TF being mirrors to each other. What does that mean? In the mirror you see things different than in real life, left is right and right is left and so on so what does that mean in terms of TF?
Does it mean that when I reach out he runs away, when Im feeling angry with him he feels angry at me too or what?
Can somebody please explain the whole mirroring thing to me.

Dont get me wrong, I rant a lot, but I love him so much. Couple weeks ago I felt influx of love I felt like my heart and stomach is gonna explode, it was such a huge wave of love towards him, it was the kind of love you feel towards your lover but also towards your child and parents, and family and friends and pets, it was just pure love and I let it flow thru me without asking myself "who do you love? a guy whose with another woman at this very moment?".

Im not a mom nor I will ever be, I dont even have pets and not many friends or anything, so the love Im talking about is just a strange mixture of all kinds of pure, warm love you can feel towards people... that kind of love....

Dear Usernameforthis.

I also have been in relationships with married men or emotionally unavailable men and it is painful to say the least. I only learned about the twinflame thing this year when I got involved with someone who was single at the time but not interested in relationships. I left him after getting scared by the intensity of our connection and not wanting to get hurt again. In the five weeks we were apart he reconnected with an old girlfriend and is back with her. He still wants to see me and we kept getting back together and then pulling apart.

That is the runner chaser dynamic of the TF relationship. I recently found a reader online who explains the 7 stages of the TF relationship and explains the differences between the TF and soulmate connections very clearly. I am having a session with her this week. I have now let my twin go so I can do some healing and growth work on myself. He will no doubt try to keep me engaged in the chaser stage but I have exited myself from it. I have included a link to the reader I mentioned.

https://www.facebook.com/twinflamevioletray/
Her name is Twane Ahorangi and she is a violetray twinflame in union with her twin

All the best
Hineahuone
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  #7  
Old 31-07-2016, 09:09 PM
username4this username4this is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 58
 
hineahuone
Thank you so much.
Good luck to you on finding out more about your TF dynamic and reuniting with your TF soon. :)
Ill look up link you posted :)

Same goes to you lancing, than you again :).
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  #8  
Old 31-07-2016, 09:53 PM
wolfgaze wolfgaze is offline
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I enjoyed reading your story... Thanks....
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  #9  
Old 31-07-2016, 10:17 PM
username4this username4this is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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wolfgaze
Thank you for reading it :)
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