working on yourself just to be alone

[Yourkiss73]

Originally Posted by intj123

lol I knew that's what you were thinking, my TF also thinks I'm judgmental and arrogant.

I guess I'm not good enough to call myself spiritual then.

Oh my word it has nothing to do with not being "good" enough. I hate that word good. We are all at our own levels of growth and awareness. Do you think you are judgmental and arrogant? If so does it bother you? If so then change it. If not then embrace it. I should have stayed quiet in the first place.

[intj123]

Originally Posted by Yourkiss73

Oh my word it has nothing to do with not being "good" enough. I hate that word good. We are all at our own levels of growth and awareness. Do you think you are judgmental and arrogant? If so does it bother you? If so then change it. If not then embrace it. I should have stayed quiet in the first place.

I think you're getting too worked up.
I'm hardly offended don't worry, I think you're funny, cute, and sensitive. Sugar spice and everything nice.

That whole thing about me not being good enough was said sarcastically, I tend to laugh off other's judgments of me because I know that I know myself best.

I also word my 'judgments' very carefully, I may have said "seems like", to reserve the right to being wrong. I may have still been too blunt in my opinion though, I suppose I should just say nothing.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by jro5139

I don't understand why I have had to go through all this pain, depression, working on myself and patterns, if ultimately I am just meant to be alone forever... why did I have to fall in love with the wrong person and have my heart ripped out if there is no other relationship awaiting me. I could have been alone all this time without having to go through all that and been perfectly happy about it.. I was ok with being alone until I feel in love, and now I have to get used to it all over again, why couldn't I have just never met him at all? I am pretty sure I will be alone from here on out so what was the point?

Hi there and welcome to the forums.

Now, I'd like you to just sit back, relax, take a few deep breaths and don't try to overthink or overanalyze what I am about to say to you.

It's all a matter of purpose and intent. If you are only 'working on yourself' to attract a partner or a mate, you aren't really working on yourself (you do this for you). This usually comes after that happens, anyway.

Any partner, for what they are worth, will accept you for who you are, warts and all, but are you happy with being the way you are? What is it that you'd like to change about yourself to make you more relaxed and comfortable within your own skin?

Making the personal adjustment from a state of solitude and inner isolation to the full acceptance of being both loved and 'in love' with another person when one has been a total introvert up to that point is a very difficult transition and I am still going through it - it will just take time to get accustomed to it, but like I said, if they are truly 'the one', they will stick by you as you go through this and they will understand.

They may have even been very lonely at a time in their own past as well, so they know what it feels like.

As for getting hurt and getting your heart ripped out? I go into every relationship now thinking that could be a possibility, an eventuality, but it's more than likely it will be a very beautiful, fulfilling and spiritually rewarding relationship as well, full of endless love, trust and insight. If my heart gets ripped out, I'm less affected by it, even though yeah, it does hurt for a few months and I do things to fix my heart up and put it back in its place for next time all the while remembering "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". It's also better not to be in a relationship than to be in one where both hearts are not fully into it or committed to it.

Until I meet my soul-mate, I will be alone and I probably will be alone in physicality for the rest of my life, but I have come to accept that. Having him here beside me and inside me is just one of those 'yeah, it would be very nice and wonderful if it ever happened' kind of things, but I see it and take it as it is, just flesh pining after spirit. Even though it would be nice, no doubting that, the fact it cannot be doesn't stop me loving him any less as a consequence.

Why couldn't you have never met him at all? God/The Universe/Karma/Whatever does this from time to time to show us we still have a heart...we still have feelings because we have been denying them...pretending we don't have them...acting like a robot...going on autopilot and just going through the motions. We isolate ourselves and force ourselves into situations where we are mostly alone and enjoying our own company way too much so that we won't have to deal with this deep down...we are fighting it...resisting universal law.

So many people out there are looking for love and never find it, so when one isn't looking is the time when love comes along...if people would only stop trying so hard to love, they will know what love is. Love enjoys a challenge, especially stubborn, self-absorbed 'emos' who are going; "love is for other people, let them all have it - I am over it"...yeah, at those times, it will come along and bite you on the bum just to make a fool out of you.

My advice is to just flow with it and take it day to day...don't look too far ahead with this and don't start 'planning your future' with this person. We all like 'happy ever afters' without contending ourselves with 'being happy now' first. Make the latter your priority and just accept your feelings and what each new day brings. All the best to you and peace.

[Yourkiss73]

[quote=intj123]I think you're getting too worked up.
I'm hardly offended don't worry, I think you're funny, cute, and sensitive. Sugar spice and everything nice.

That whole thing about me not being good enough was said sarcastically, I tend to laugh off other's judgments of me because I know that I know myself best.

I also word my 'judgments' very carefully, I may have said "seems like", to reserve the right to being wrong. I may have still been too blunt in my opinion though, I suppose I should just say nothing.[/QUIT

It is good that you know yourself best.

[Koriand'r]

To the OP:

Oh my gosh! Your post could have been written by me!

Several years ago I had the realization that maybe I was always going to be alone. So I started looking at what I would need to change and do in my life so I would be happy alone. A little more than a year later I met a man online that I connected with so well. We had a lot in common, more so than anyone I knew at the time. I fell in love with this man. I truly believed he was my twin soul. But he ended up tearing apart my heart by going back to his ex. Because he had promised her he wouldn't speak to me again (something I was unaware of at the time) he texted me that he was going back to her. On New Year's Day. The physical fallout from that painful experience involved issues I continue to struggle with more than 3 years later, even though in my heart and mind, I have let him go and no longer have romantic feelings for him.

How I was able to put him in the past has to do with meeting another man. The powerful connection I feel with him far surpasses what I felt for the first man. In fact, there really is no comparison. But the ironic thing? I'm not sure he's my twin. I definitely know we are bonded in some way and that we are soulmates. But I can't say if he is or is not my twin soul. What is worse is that the whole thing is repeating itself. He's involved with another woman and she is not anything like the woman he has described as being interested in. Plus there is more to all of this than what I could describe here. It hurts that he won't even communicate with me. This is so incredibly painful and I wish I had never met him. For now, the only things I know to do are to work on myself and believe the universe will work it all out.

So jro5139, I can relate to what you feel. I have gone through this twice now and here I am again, alone, feeling worse than I did before I met either man and feeling in a much weaker place. I do not understand why, when I was prepared to live a solitary life, the universe brought these men into my life to devastate me so I am weaker than I've ever been in my life. It is so hard. So I feel your hurt! ((hugs!))

Originally Posted by The_Better_Half

I have tried that before, and it didn't turn out so good. The last few people that I have met had almost all of the qualities that I listed, BUT they also had some qualities that weren't on my list...and as you can probably guess, these weren't exactly qualities that I was looking for.

For example:
I asked for a soulamte that was more talkative than me...I get a soulmate that never stops talking (which is not what I meant), and was also married (I was looking for a single, available person, that I could actually date). Go figure

It seems (at least for me anyways), that the universe has some smart-aleck up there granting wishes. I can hear them now "you didn't say anything about that.....hehehehhe"

This is always the problem when bordering on sorcery. Specifying is vital. It's something Stanley Moon had to learn when dealing with George Spigot in the film Bedazzled.

I was always against casting "love spells" - people are a love spell in themselves - but as needs must I cast one for someone. It worked perfectly well except it proved so difficult to break away from the target who wasn't quite what the client wanted after all! No amount of cutting the bonds, purifying, helped...

So, you're right. If someone has the energies to (effectively) do an encircling.... take care.

[jro5139]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

Hi there and welcome to the forums.

Now, I'd like you to just sit back, relax, take a few deep breaths and don't try to overthink or overanalyze what I am about to say to you.

It's all a matter of purpose and intent. If you are only 'working on yourself' to attract a partner or a mate, you aren't really working on yourself (you do this for you). This usually comes after that happens, anyway.

Any partner, for what they are worth, will accept you for who you are, warts and all, but are you happy with being the way you are? What is it that you'd like to change about yourself to make you more relaxed and comfortable within your own skin?

Making the personal adjustment from a state of solitude and inner isolation to the full acceptance of being both loved and 'in love' with another person when one has been a total introvert up to that point is a very difficult transition and I am still going through it - it will just take time to get accustomed to it, but like I said, if they are truly 'the one', they will stick by you as you go through this and they will understand.

They may have even been very lonely at a time in their own past as well, so they know what it feels like.

As for getting hurt and getting your heart ripped out? I go into every relationship now thinking that could be a possibility, an eventuality, but it's more than likely it will be a very beautiful, fulfilling and spiritually rewarding relationship as well, full of endless love, trust and insight. If my heart gets ripped out, I'm less affected by it, even though yeah, it does hurt for a few months and I do things to fix my heart up and put it back in its place for next time all the while remembering "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". It's also better not to be in a relationship than to be in one where both hearts are not fully into it or committed to it.

Until I meet my soul-mate, I will be alone and I probably will be alone in physicality for the rest of my life, but I have come to accept that. Having him here beside me and inside me is just one of those 'yeah, it would be very nice and wonderful if it ever happened' kind of things, but I see it and take it as it is, just flesh pining after spirit. Even though it would be nice, no doubting that, the fact it cannot be doesn't stop me loving him any less as a consequence.

Why couldn't you have never met him at all? God/The Universe/Karma/Whatever does this from time to time to show us we still have a heart...we still have feelings because we have been denying them...pretending we don't have them...acting like a robot...going on autopilot and just going through the motions. We isolate ourselves and force ourselves into situations where we are mostly alone and enjoying our own company way too much so that we won't have to deal with this deep down...we are fighting it...resisting universal law.

So many people out there are looking for love and never find it, so when one isn't looking is the time when love comes along...if people would only stop trying so hard to love, they will know what love is. Love enjoys a challenge, especially stubborn, self-absorbed 'emos' who are going; "love is for other people, let them all have it - I am over it"...yeah, at those times, it will come along and bite you on the bum just to make a fool out of you.

My advice is to just flow with it and take it day to day...don't look too far ahead with this and don't start 'planning your future' with this person. We all like 'happy ever afters' without contending ourselves with 'being happy now' first. Make the latter your priority and just accept your feelings and what each new day brings. All the best to you and peace.

Hi and thank you for responding. You are absolutely right, I am not working on myself to be with someone else. I am working on myself to be the best version of me. I think I just got discouraged because so much of this shadow work seems to be directed at having relationships, and I have so few of them. But ultimately it is for me.

The second to last paragraph you wrote is exactly what happened to me. After the last relationship I was in before him, which was terrible, I was SO content being alone it never even crossed my mind that I would have feelings again ever. I certainly wasn't looking or wanting to have them for anyone, and the situation in which I met him, I was there to better myself (school) and not looking to meet people or fall in love, so when it happened it blindsided me. It did certainly make a fool out of me. Maybe I just needed to have feelings again, idk.
I am completely comfortable in my own skin. And after reflexing on it, I realized that I am not the problem, he is. He is the one that is disconnected to his feelings (because of his childhood, which he will not deal with). I think this was his chance to deal with his past and have trust and love in his life, and he choose to run away instead. He will have to live with that. I wonder why I want someone like him in my life anyway, who lies all the time and has no empathy for others, he doesn't even care that he hurt me, yet he claimed to want to be my friend so much. If someone is your friend you should care if you hurt them. So I think you are right about better now than later, for sure! He has too many emotional issues due to child abuse, but now he is an adult and it is up to him to take control of his life, instead he avoids it. No body can save him but him. That is another lesson I learned because I think I have always wanted to save people, I wanted to save him, but I can't save anyone either but me. I have to learn to let people go.
I am not planning any future with him anymore, I think I need to learn to not have expectations, no matter what other people say to me. I had so many expectations because of promises he made me and things he said. Now he will not even discuss those things with me and gets angry at me if I bring them up. He is a terrible friend because of his issues, I can only imagine how bad of a husband he is. Of course while all this was going on, I had no idea how bad his issues really were, he hides them very well. But I have to realize that he has reasons for what he has done. So in fact, you are all right, I have learned many things from him and I feel he could have grown with me, but instead he chose to throw it all away, he lost more than I did. I think also that if I had gotten into a relationship, I would not have grown spiritually as much as I have in the last 6 months. I feel like I outgrew him, or where I would have been with him and I am much farther along because of it.

[jro5139]

Originally Posted by Koriand'r

To the OP:

Oh my gosh! Your post could have been written by me!

Several years ago I had the realization that maybe I was always going to be alone. So I started looking at what I would need to change and do in my life so I would be happy alone. A little more than a year later I met a man online that I connected with so well. We had a lot in common, more so than anyone I knew at the time. I fell in love with this man. I truly believed he was my twin soul. But he ended up tearing apart my heart by going back to his ex. Because he had promised her he wouldn't speak to me again (something I was unaware of at the time) he texted me that he was going back to her. On New Year's Day. The physical fallout from that painful experience involved issues I continue to struggle with more than 3 years later, even though in my heart and mind, I have let him go and no longer have romantic feelings for him.

How I was able to put him in the past has to do with meeting another man. The powerful connection I feel with him far surpasses what I felt for the first man. In fact, there really is no comparison. But the ironic thing? I'm not sure he's my twin. I definitely know we are bonded in some way and that we are soulmates. But I can't say if he is or is not my twin soul. What is worse is that the whole thing is repeating itself. He's involved with another woman and she is not anything like the woman he has described as being interested in. Plus there is more to all of this than what I could describe here. It hurts that he won't even communicate with me. This is so incredibly painful and I wish I had never met him. For now, the only things I know to do are to work on myself and believe the universe will work it all out.

So jro5139, I can relate to what you feel. I have gone through this twice now and here I am again, alone, feeling worse than I did before I met either man and feeling in a much weaker place. I do not understand why, when I was prepared to live a solitary life, the universe brought these men into my life to devastate me so I am weaker than I've ever been in my life. It is so hard. So I feel your hurt! ((hugs!))

Wow, our situations sound so similar! It's so funny that you said "she is nothing like the women he describes as being interested in"... mine is the same... I think I disregarded his marriage because he always complained about her being a b****, and didn't seem happy with her... he even likes dark hair and redheads and she is blond lol. Although her and I do have some stuff in common and my friends have told me we look alike, which creeps me out lol. But he also claims she says and does mean stuff to him, for example, tells him he is fat and one time he fell and couldn't get up and she refused to help him...the funny things is I don't think his marriage is the reason we are not together, I think that reason is his emotional problems and refusal to accept love, I think if he was a healthy emotional person, he would have left her because they have no emotional connection.
It's really hard, sometimes I feel like telling her everything but I am trying not to act in revenge. I don't hate her anymore. I try to send her love too while meditating, the creepy thing is since I have been doing this, I have been seeing and hearing her name everywhere. I really want to know what that means. But at this point I feel more like being her friend than hating her, she must have her own emotional problems anyway to stay in a marriage like that.