I do not understand

[Sarah007]

Thank you all for your interesting answers. When I read all this, I found a bit of everything that I am going through.
For example, like you Jim,I also had a rotten childhood, with no schoolfriends (they liked more bulling me), no brothers or sisters. Lets say I had a loveless youth, no hugs and so on. I felt already lonely, I spent a lot of time in my room. I saw that there was no love between my parents. The only thing I had, was I had much things to play with, later even een television, music installation (I do not know if that is the right English words) I could never be bored.
Later when I had a job, I worked hard, I wanted to express myself also through music and to paint. So I was always busy, going to art school, and I loved that.
One day I crashed also, after my divorce, and got in a depression, I got panic attacks when I left the house, I could not walk in the street anymore. I must say I still go to a doctor who I can talk to and take medicine when needed. I am happy those panic attacks are over, and I also had to go to a therapist for relaxationexercises. I know that crash was too much for my body, I can not do much work anymore. But the other side of the medal is, that in that periode, I awakened. I will never forget that, it was like coming at the top of a mountain and see the view, and a lot of pieces fell in place. I met my guide(s), who is my twin soul, my other guides, I learned to have a safe place inside to go to, just for me. I can say that was the best moment in my life. I laughed and cried, because things were suddenly clear for a big part.
I also saw things about past lifes, and it is not only the nice things you see, but sometimes it is needed to understand things, and knowing why have sudden reactions that you did not understand before.
And that is so strange, the more I know, the more I wonder about the world we live in. It breaks my heart when I see horrible things on the news or tv, that hurts so much.
And I learned to cry too, the doctor said too me, you may cry, it is about time the tears come, because I could not cry for a very long time.
I also asked my guide, why am I here? The first answer he gave me was through a song (he does that a lot) it was from Vangelis, shine for me. Since shortly I am working on this, because I said, I do not how to do this. But the essential answer was also, learn selflove. And that is so difficult, because then I say: how can I do this when I never received anything? And on the other hand, I am kind and friendly, even to those who are cold and not nice to me. Someday, someone was not friendly to me, and the woman next to me said, why did not you say something back to that '*******' (sorry). Well, if he wants to treat people like this, I am not going to do what he does. I do not want to be an ******* too. She did not know what to say on that.
It is just not my style to become an angry person, no matter what they did or said.
And it is very right what I read here, never get angry at a person who has nothing to do with it, because if someone else hurt you, be angry at the perpetrator, not on someone innocent.
I have already learned to forgive my parents, I guess they had there own problems, and I think also that I had to learn a lesson in this life.
But I also want to thank you all for your good advice, I see that I am not alone with that kind of problems. And I will also search to read about 'the emotional body'. (Thank you h.o.r.a.c.e.)
Well, I am very hard at work to find myself, that is also why I posted this, to find out what other (spiritual) people think.
Thank you all,
Sarah

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

here's a link to the song you'd spoke of:
Jon Anderson & Vangelis ~ Shine For Me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXFpreIIc9I

[Michelle11]

I get messages through song lyrics as well. I think it is pretty cool. The more you pay attention the more you will get them. And it is ok to cry. Crying is the body's way to release stress, tension and sorrow. I use to hold all my emotions in and now I let them flow. It is much healthier than holding them in. As for finding self love it isn't so much a matter of acquiring it but rather knowing that there is nothing wrong with you and that you deserve it, it is your birthright and love is who you are even if it was never expressed to you. I just came across a teaching on self acceptance. If we do not have self acceptance it means a part of us is actively in self rejection or feeling as though there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. This causes us to fall into a pattern of self judgment and comparing ourselves with a good/bad, right/wrong lens based on some ideal self. An ideal self that really can never be achieved because we are in the trap of comparing our self and progress to gauge if we have or have not yet improved. So gaining self acceptance is not simply the act of stopping our judgments to stop the self rejection. It is centered on the idea that we are not broken in any way in the first place. That our soul does not need fixing, it is already whole. That the act of engaging in self improvement pursuits itself actually keeps us rooted in judgment and comparison. Our soul is perfect, our human psyche is simply mistaken. To fix ourselves is not a matter of self improvement but simply a matter of finding clarity that we were never broken in the first place. We may have to clear out some beliefs we took on from our families or life experiences but none of what we see with our human minds or bodies does affect the purity of our soul. So rather than try to search for a self love that you have no frame of reference for and no way to know how to give it to yourself try and simple work on clearing any thoughts or beliefs that cause you to feel you are not already whole, pure and eternal just the way you are. Our human psyche gets in the way but is not who we are. We are not defined by our experiences or our bodies. We are a soul having a human experience.

[Sarah007]

Originally Posted by H:O:R:A:C:E

here's a link to the song you'd spoke of:
Jon Anderson & Vangelis ~ Shine For Me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXFpreIIc9I

Thank you h.o.r.a.c.e for posting this song, I also wanted to post it, but I forgot. I went to youtube to look to the one you posted, because it was a different video. And I could not help it, every time I hear this song, I cry.

A while ago, I was having a bad day,and tried to feel good, but it was difficult. I called my guide (who is my twin soul also) and asked for his help. Again he helped me with music. The music I heard was for the first time, this to tell you that for me that is a prove that they communicate also in this way. I had never heard this song before.
I am going to post the link here, and I must say, I was staring at my screen,my mouth fell open, that was just what I needed, I found it amazing, and so sweet! And felt a lot better afterwards, he made me feel loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmK91G_NfUA&list=LL3hPoUtFHymmnySyyALz_jQ& index=104

[Tobi]

I have a theory that it is very common to feel a deep sense of sadness/poignancy/even loneliness -on a Soul level. Sometimes there might be suffering in life to account for it, but sometimes for no logical reason as some people who have it are living fulfilling lives and have loved ones, friends etc.
I wonder if it is a form of 'homesickness'? For the Spirit state, from which we have come in order to have an Earth life experience?

[Sarah007]

Originally Posted by Tobi

I have a theory that it is very common to feel a deep sense of sadness/poignancy/even loneliness -on a Soul level. Sometimes there might be suffering in life to account for it, but sometimes for no logical reason as some people who have it are living fulfilling lives and have loved ones, friends etc.
I wonder if it is a form of 'homesickness'? For the Spirit state, from which we have come in order to have an Earth life experience?

Well Tobi, I have always seen it like this. We are here on earth, but for me it does not feel like 'home', it never have . I hear many people say, we have made a travel or trip and now we are going home. I see the world as a big school where we must stay till our 'lessons' we have to learn is done. And then we can go home, and sometimes, when it is hard for me, then I think of home, as a matter a fact you can name it homesickness.
I also dream a lot that I am at a university to learn, and I must say, I love such dreams, because, I have also a room there, just for me, where I can study and sleep, and I feel so safe there. Sometimes, I am aware that I dream again, and say, oh great, I am back here, I run up the stairs and go to my room. In the university I must say there a lot of students there and they are quite busy. And sometimes I have examination and then I am exited and nervous.
Strange, isn't it?

[Tobi]

The only time being here on Earth ever really felt like 'home' to me was when my Heart opened right out and suddenly all the edges and demarcations of things were blurred. There was no longer any 'here' or 'there'....it all was with me in my Heart which was warm and shining and happy to give out whatever I could wherever I was....even silently.
Then 'home' was everywhere and anywhere.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by H:O:R:A:C:E

internalizing bad feelings and accepting them as part of our makeup will lead us to lash out at undeserving targets and "innocent bystanders".

The unfortunate things is that some folks do not even know that they have "internalized" bad feelings or have made these hidden feelings part of their makeup so when they "lash out", they and others just accept that as a "fluke" of their behavior and never suspect that the lashing out is the consequence of secretly holding in bad feelings - such is what happened to Adolf Hitler! This process and pattern is often seen in war veterans as PTSD.

identifying the true origination of those bad feelings is better.

IMO, it's the best way to find and then work to release or express/vent those bottled up, unhealed, bad feelings.

there is better still i believe.
empowerment of self is what i'm driving at.
choose what emotionally charged thoughts you wish to direct.

This is easier said than done unless the PTSD victim is helped to uncover the painful, bad feelings which are mysteriously hiding within them.

to receive love, give love.
to receive love only, give love only.

Generally speaking, its not the "love" feelings that are the problem. Its usually the angry, humiliated, sad and PAINFUL feelings that need our help.

it is possible to transform ugly feelings within into harmless or beneficial energies.

In my experience, it is more a process of expressing, venting and releasing the damaged feelings rather than some magical process of "transforming" them. My bad feelings wanted to be recognized and allowed to express them self so, if that "transformed" them, well and good, but I never felt any kind of "transformation" - just a lot of relief and relaxation.

with the knowledge that people are always doing the best they can,
to the best degree they are capable of, with the tools they have available,
the notion of directing hurtful energies towards them is untenable.

IMO, not everyone, especially those who hurt me so long ago, did not always do the best they could nor to the best degree they were capable of with the tools available. They were just like me = fallible, ignorant, careless, jealous, mean, abusive, very foolish and sometimes they also did their best. Since they were not 100% good but a weird combination of good and bad, my feelings for how they mistreated me did indeed belong to and were sent to them starting with my parents. My damaged feelings demanded some kind of justice and had to be directed towards those who deserved my anger and complaints against them. If this had been a court of law, I assume the judge would have wanted my parents to hear my complaints and issues about their violations.

forgiveness is the tool for transforming negative energies.

I was taught that it is pointless and even stupid to "forgive" a violation unless the violator takes responsibility for their actions and ASKS for forgiveness. Negative energies are asking to be expressed and released, not covered up again with silly bandages of "forgiveness" and transformation - whatever that is? You can GET OVER a violation by letting your feelings about it express them self after which a feeling of relief might occur but forgiveness can only follow an honest confession and acceptance of responsibility for one's actions.

forgiveness is an internal processing.
once the energy is transmuted, then it can be directed outwardly; radiated.

You obviously have never worked with or dealt with repressed, bottled up, damaged feelings! There is no such thing as "transmuting" a feeling, damaged or otherwise. There is only expressing or releasing the backed up energy. I have no idea what this "transmuting" thing is about so please explain what it is.

if a person is new to transmuting energy -- give it to God.

LOL, I did that in therapy and god showed me how to find and then express the damaged, painful feelings that I'd kept buried within my self for so many years. There was no mystical thing like "transmutation" involved.

what we are is self determined; no amount of negative energy can wrest that responsibility from us. radiate that which you are. if you choose lovingness, give love.

You are completely wrong. Buried and unexpressed, damaged feelings can and do force folks to do and be all kinds of horrible and damaging things if not brought to the surface and safely released. This is often demonstrated in PTSD cases. It is nearly impossible for someone holding in repressed feelings and memories to be consistently "loving" but you would have to be working on your own issues to even understand that.

i think this approach goes a bit further than yours jimrich.

I don't think so, based on my experiences with bottled up, bad feelings. Your "approach" reads like fantasy and myth to me.

it doesn't feel possible to find a comfortable middleroad, compromise approach for me.

It is not and never was meant to be a comfortable, middle-road, compromise approach. Facing and releasing backed up, sour feelings and memories is very PAINFUL and DIFFICULT which is why those with PTSD usually need professional help to let the damaged feelings and memories go - if ever.

i sorta sense that all humans are essentially pure love.

Yes UNTIL they are damaged by bad parenting or some other damaging event like SHELL SHOCK.

to be authentic then, we'll wanna only ever express our true self.

Yep, assuming we ever find it again after being severely, emotionally damaged!

it is, of course, a choice.

Not for those with emotional damages!

we can choose to be non-100% loving, but that feels "lesser" to me.

When a person is deeply, emotionally damaged, it is nearly impossible to "choose" anything for them self. It feels like they are being forced to feel, think and do whatever the internal stress or confusion demands of them but you would have to be in their shoes to understand that.
this is why so many folks, including many therapists do not, cannot and WILL NOT understand those with deep emotional scars and trauma - like war vets so the PTSD victims are given cute little lectures about choosing love, being kind, smile, be happy, etc. while their inner, unresolved and IGNORED feelings are screaming for help and resolution. I know this because I had to help my damaged, screaming feelings find some relief by letting them come out, be felt and expressed in ways that you perhaps do not want to read about.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by Tobi

I have a theory that it is very common to feel a deep sense of sadness/poignancy/even loneliness -on a Soul level. Sometimes there might be suffering in life to account for it, but sometimes for no logical reason as some people who have it are living fulfilling lives and have loved ones, friends etc.
I wonder if it is a form of 'homesickness'? For the Spirit state, from which we have come in order to have an Earth life experience?

Tobi: I came to the same conclusion after a lot of psychological/grief work to repair a damaged ego. It became clear that the next step, which perhaps could have been the first step, was to seek my lost Spirit State or home and I often had deep crying events much like "home-sickness" once my ego was well enough repaired to move up to Spiritual pursuits.
An interesting experience was had by Jack Kornfield who went to live in Asia and mastered meditation systems and techniques over there which made him ever so peaceful and happy but, as soon as he returned to his family in the US, he found himself sinking down into his unresolved grief and bad feelings that meditation had only covered up so he had to go into therapy to heal all of his hidden and unresolved family issues.
Jack is a world renown meditation teacher and therapist who recognized, through direct experience, that unhealed feelings cannot simply be covered up and left unhealed without dire consequences.
I am convinced that the Spiritual journey is the best thing but it might included having to deal with certain emotional issues that so many "spiritual" folks believe they can step over, around, ignore or whatever without having to do anything about their feelings. Maybe that is possible but it sure was not and still is not for me. There were times, in therapy, when I got so spiritually high that I was convinced I was done and had "arrived" but then, the next day, I was just as down and miserable as ever. I am not quite as down as before but no longer see spiritual highs as "IT" - as much as I love them and I often wonder about these so-called sages, gurus and Enlightened folks. Are they really all that free and clear or are they also emotionally damaged folks just putting on an ACT? I don't live with them so how would I know?

[jimrich]

Hi: I was going to let this all go but somethings in your post caught my eye so here goes............

Originally Posted by Sarah007

Thank you all for your interesting answers. When I read all this, I found a bit of everything that I am going through.
For example, like you Jim,I also had a rotten childhood, with no schoolfriends (they liked more bulling me), no brothers or sisters. Lets say I had a loveless youth, no hugs and so on. I felt already lonely, I spent a lot of time in my room. I saw that there was no love between my parents.

I see a lot of pain there. Not sure if its repressed pain but bordering on trauma in my mind.

But the essential answer was also, learn selflove. And that is so difficult, because then I say: how can I do this when I never received anything?

LOL this is the part that stopped me!
Emmanuel tells nearly everyone about "self love" and offers a few methods to learn how to "love" your self. Psychology offers many techniques and methods to learn self love, one being the mirror technique in which you get before a mirror and compliment any and all of your features in the mirror and repeatedly confirm that you LOVE yourself - just as you are.
We are warned that a part of us will fight with and deny these efforts but we can find self love if we have the guts to stay with it until the negative voice (of one of our parents) stops telling us that we "don't deserve love, are to stupid, fat, bad, etc. to be loved" and whatever other loveless messages sick others shoved inside of us at an early age. The issue is to overcome and turn off the LYING voices and memories that are hiding within us and telling us NOT TO LOVE our self. "Oh, that's vain! You can't love your self! You don't deserve love! Who do you think you are? Your way to ugly, fat, stupid, wrong, bad, sinful, etc., etc., etc."
When I told my Christian brother about the song: "I love myself the way I am", he went berserk and loudly said, "You can't love your self! Only god can love you!!!!" I just laughed in his ignorant face!
Self love is about the only solution for being robbed of our natural and normal ability to love our self by frightened or JEALOUS others when we were little and had no defense. IMO, self love is the single most needed yet missing element of earth life and most if not all evil, crime and naughtiness comes from NOT loving our selves or others.

And on the other hand, I am kind and friendly, even to those who are cold and not nice to me. Someday, someone was not friendly to me, and the woman next to me said, why did not you say something back to that '*******' (sorry). Well, if he wants to treat people like this, I am not going to do what he does. I do not want to be an ******* too. She did not know what to say on that.

She probably thought you were either a coward or insane for not fighting back as culture generally teaches us to do.

It is just not my style to become an angry person, no matter what they did or said.
And it is very right what I read here, never get angry at a person who has nothing to do with it, because if someone else hurt you, be angry at the perpetrator, not on someone innocent.

I'm glad that can see the wisdom in that. Most folks believe we have to forgive and just move on but they will take their anger out on whoever or whatever is handy in the moment of their own RAGE.
Best wishes,
jim