Why do friends have to be so judgemental about how you live your life!?

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

Judgmental friends is not how I define friends...

I am only friends with her because she married one of my good friends that i've known for 20 years, I doubt me and her would have been friends otherwise, we're too different and this really proved that.

[inavalan]

If I have to continue seeing somebody who mistreated me, even once, I directly confront the person about their behavior, telling them i don't like it, and I urge them to behave politely and civilized. I don't justify myself, and I don't argue back and force. I state it and leave it.

If I don't have to see them, I won't.

In your case, I would also let know your male friend about the situation, and explain that you intend to try to make an effort just because of your long friendship, not asking him to take a position, not justifying anything to him, not going back and forth about it.

Clean and clear positions help. Is like with "good fences make good neighbors".

PS: Even if you were living on government money, it isn't up to that person to lecture you. You don't have to justify yourself even in that case.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by inavalan

If I have to continue seeing somebody who mistreated me, even once, I directly confront the person about their behavior, telling them i don't like it, and I urge them to behave politely and civilized. I don't justify myself, and I don't argue back and force. I state it and leave it.

If I don't have to see them, I won't.

In your case, I would also let know your male friend about the situation, and explain that you intend to try to make an effort just because of your long friendship, not asking him to take a position, not justifying anything to him, not going back and forth about it.

Clean and clear positions help. Is like with "good fences make good neighbors".

I'm sure he knows about it, it was on FB and i'm sure they see everything each other writes on there. And they're a super close couple too. But I don't HAVE to see her if I don't want to, they live 4 hours from me and the only reason I ever saw her at all was because I used to pass through their town on the way to a job in another state, so I would sometimes visit them then. But I don't have that job anymore.

PS: Even if you were living on government money, it isn't up to that person to lecture you. You don't have to justify yourself even in that case.

thank you! That is true!

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by AstraeaLunaAvani

I'm sure he knows about it, it was on FB and i'm sure they see everything each other writes on there. And they're a super close couple too. But I don't HAVE to see her if I don't want to, they live 4 hours from me and the only reason I ever saw her at all was because I used to pass through their town on the way to a job in another state, so I would sometimes visit them then. But I don't have that job anymore.



thank you! That is true!

Maybe he read the posts, but he might not have realized the impact those posts had on you, and the potential impact that might have on your friendship. It often happens that we don't know how others feel.

[Native spirit]

You don't have to explain to anyone how you live your life.but I agree with what SlayerofLight has said.


Namaste

[MissCreativeSpirit]

orking for more years than she's been alive, at one point I even worked 12 hours every day without a day off for 6 weeks at a time! I think I deserve a few months off to enjoy life for once.

UGH! Am I wrong for being upset about this?[/quote]feel free to read up on basic Republican idealogy.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by MissCreativeSpirit

feel free to read up on basic Republican idealogy.

I've never been a Republican and don't want to be, what am I missing in how this relates to what I said?

[Winter Song]

Originally Posted by AstraeaLunaAvani

I just had a friend post something on my FB page about how she busts her butt working hard and pays into government programs that support people who can't work, and she said I should get a job because I am probably living off these programs so I can go to concerts all the time when I am capable of working.

[...]

UGH! Am I wrong for being upset about this?

You're not wrong, but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a moment.

Why would she say something like this?! It's rude and uncalled for, and none of her business.

People are rarely unpleasant for no reason; when they are, there is some unaddressed inner struggle at work behind the scenes. It's often easy to identify what that struggle is by turning the accusations and insults around, or inside out.

My guess is that she's tired and frustrated at having to "bust her butt" and work hard. Even if she makes a comfortable salary, perhaps she feels that it just isn't enough in return for all her time and effort. That's an incredibly common feeling; I've been there myself, and maybe you have, too.

Perhaps she wishes she could just take a break from work for a while so she can relax and take it easy, and has decided she can't because she might not be able to get a decent job again, or that people will think of her as a lazy deadbeat for doing so. Perhaps it's as simple as not having the money set aside to take any time off, too many bills, and too much debt. Plus, the government keeps taking a big chunk out of every paycheck...

Virtually everybody I've encountered who froths at the mouth (or keyboard) about recipients of public assistance is having their own work and/or money struggle (whether they are open about it or not), and they're tired. They feel like they're on a treadmill, with no chance to just stop and rest, enjoy life, and know they are financially secure. Many of them fear that they'll never be able to stop, that they won't get to retire at all, or will be impoverished when they do. So that there are people who seemingly don't have to work at all, and the government pays for their leisure by taking money to do so from their paycheck, really grinds their gears. It can seem incredibly unfair, especially when balanced atop all the other unfairnesses in life.

Thus, as tired, stressed, unhappy people too often do, they snap on occasion, because all of those pent-up negative feelings have got to find release somehow, and blowing up at a "safe" target is one of those means of release. Is it inappropriate? Sure. Is it personal? NO. Is it unhealthy, both for them and their relationships? Absolutely. Do they feel better afterwards? Maybe in the immediate aftermath they do, but once they realize they've made a fool of themselves, no.

Even after clearing the air she may still be envious of the fact that you don't have to work, and got an inheritance, and get to go to concerts, so if I were in your position I'd be pleasant, but still keep a distance. It's okay to recognize that another is having an inner struggle, while also recognizing that it is beyond your ability to fix it, and not your place to bring the subject up.

So what do you do? If I may recommend something, it's to look at what thoughts and feelings came up in you during this incident, and how they might reflect your own inner struggles, doubts and insecurities, and then address them. Maybe there is some nagging, neglected thing in you that needs some attention, that this encounter has briefly brought into the light. Well, drag it out and have a look at it. Look at whatever bad ideas about yourself you've been lugging around, unacknowledged and unexpressed, and ask yourself, "Are these true at all? If not, why am I still lugging this around? If there is some truth there, what can I do to either remedy it, or feel better about the fact of its existence?"

[Rah nam]

Originally Posted by AstraeaLunaAvani

I just had a friend post something on my FB page about how she busts her butt working hard and pays into government programs that support people who can't work, and she said I should get a job because I am probably living off these programs so I can go to concerts all the time when I am capable of working.

1) She has no idea if i'm capable of working, I am actually in therapy right now because working causes me anxiety and depression.

2) I am not living off the government, I am living off my savings and an inheritance.

3) I have busted my butt working for more years than she's been alive, at one point I even worked 12 hours every day without a day off for 6 weeks at a time! I think I deserve a few months off to enjoy life for once.

UGH! Am I wrong for being upset about this?

I personally would thank this person for donating so generously to government programs and leave it with that.
Is it wrong to be upset? there is no right and there is no wrong in my view.
The question as I see it is, do you want to be upset or do you want to change it? And then move into the direction you what to move. That's all.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Winter Song

You're not wrong, but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a moment.

Why would she say something like this?! It's rude and uncalled for, and none of her business.

People are rarely unpleasant for no reason; when they are, there is some unaddressed inner struggle at work behind the scenes. It's often easy to identify what that struggle is by turning the accusations and insults around, or inside out.

My guess is that she's tired and frustrated at having to "bust her butt" and work hard. Even if she makes a comfortable salary, perhaps she feels that it just isn't enough in return for all her time and effort. That's an incredibly common feeling; I've been there myself, and maybe you have, too.

Perhaps she wishes she could just take a break from work for a while so she can relax and take it easy, and has decided she can't because she might not be able to get a decent job again, or that people will think of her as a lazy deadbeat for doing so. Perhaps it's as simple as not having the money set aside to take any time off, too many bills, and too much debt. Plus, the government keeps taking a big chunk out of every paycheck...

Virtually everybody I've encountered who froths at the mouth (or keyboard) about recipients of public assistance is having their own work and/or money struggle (whether they are open about it or not), and they're tired. They feel like they're on a treadmill, with no chance to just stop and rest, enjoy life, and know they are financially secure. Many of them fear that they'll never be able to stop, that they won't get to retire at all, or will be impoverished when they do. So that there are people who seemingly don't have to work at all, and the government pays for their leisure by taking money to do so from their paycheck, really grinds their gears. It can seem incredibly unfair, especially when balanced atop all the other unfairnesses in life.

Thus, as tired, stressed, unhappy people too often do, they snap on occasion, because all of those pent-up negative feelings have got to find release somehow, and blowing up at a "safe" target is one of those means of release. Is it inappropriate? Sure. Is it personal? NO. Is it unhealthy, both for them and their relationships? Absolutely. Do they feel better afterwards? Maybe in the immediate aftermath they do, but once they realize they've made a fool of themselves, no.

Even after clearing the air she may still be envious of the fact that you don't have to work, and got an inheritance, and get to go to concerts, so if I were in your position I'd be pleasant, but still keep a distance. It's okay to recognize that another is having an inner struggle, while also recognizing that it is beyond your ability to fix it, and not your place to bring the subject up.

So what do you do? If I may recommend something, it's to look at what thoughts and feelings came up in you during this incident, and how they might reflect your own inner struggles, doubts and insecurities, and then address them. Maybe there is some nagging, neglected thing in you that needs some attention, that this encounter has briefly brought into the light. Well, drag it out and have a look at it. Look at whatever bad ideas about yourself you've been lugging around, unacknowledged and unexpressed, and ask yourself, "Are these true at all? If not, why am I still lugging this around? If there is some truth there, what can I do to either remedy it, or feel better about the fact of its existence?"

I am sure all this is true, about her reasons for snapping. She is married though and I know her husband (my friend) makes good money, they have a nice house and nice cars, so it isn't like she is a single mother struggling to survive or anything, but you are probably right that some people's money struggles aren't visible to others, and even though she has way more than I do as far as possessions, clearly she still isn't happy.

I think the only reason her reaction bothered me is because it is a pet peeve of mine when people don't understand me. I don't want people having a false idea of me or how I live. I simply didn't want her to think I'm a freeloader.