Making New Friends as an Adult

[wingsonthewind]

I have lived in the area for 16 years and have zero friends. At first I longed to find friends but it didn't happen. Solitude is nice and I enjoy it as I have lots of interests but it would be nice to have 1 or 2 close friends that have something in common with me. At 63 I don't see that happening.

[linen53]

I think the fact that we are mobile than we used to be, say, 50 years ago makes a lot of difference. We move to a new area at middle age or older and the residents there have already established their close-knit circle of friends that began in elementary or high school or lived next door, etc.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Baile

Very nice. Yes, we could share aboriginal stories. I left home at 17 and went hitchhiking up north, lived and worked (half a year in fact) in a Native American aboriginal community. It was a foundational experience for me, I honestly think I was re-living some past-life karma there.

I sometimes think that's what's missing for me in my situation... it doesn't feel like I'm around people that I have karmic connections with. I was in a spiritual community for many years, and I always felt like I was meeting karmic friends, everyday and all the time. But I suppose a teacher would tell me everyone is a karmic connection, still I wonder.

I have often wondered why the heck I am in this situation and why on Earth I am in this area where I am so alone?
What's the point of it?
Like moving to my current home after I left my ex 6 years ago. I was certain I wouldn't be living here very long, 2 years tops. That wasn't thinking, it was a very strong gut feeling I had that I'd move from this area in 2015.
Nothing happened in 2015.
Then I met someone new and thought I'd move in 2017. Something did happen: we broke up in 2017.
I've been living here for 6 years now. I don't feel I belong here, a coastal area, and why would the Universe have me stay in an area that doesn't make me happy with no social circle whatsoever?
I still don't know nor understand.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

why would the Universe have me stay in an area that doesn't make me happy with no social circle whatsoever? I still don't know nor understand.

I'm a big fan of soul/karma/reincarnation wisdom. I examine tough life questions from that POV.

In my situation, the first thing I acknowledge is that I am thankful. Regardless of what life brings, I can maintain my joyful gratitude for life. I am able to do this in part because I understand that whatever is happening is my karmic reality in this particular lifetime. I chose it. So I live it and love it the best I can.

Do I miss my close (karmic) friends from 20 years ago? Absolutely. Would I love to be back there? For a day or two, but other than that, no. I actually prefer being here, without the drama and life-dynamics of those other situations. In other words, I see that I am choosing this situation out of a genuine sense that it is good for me in some way.

This doesn't immediately change much. But I do believe it's how one goes about transforming things. Shifting the attitude from "have not" to "have", even if it's just simple appreciation, affects everything that comes next. If I am joyful, joyful things happen when I step into the world. That's because I'm creating all of it with my joy.

Another way of describing this process would be redirecting the conscious intent from an inner to an outer focus; from I have to wonder....?, to Life is full of wonder! Now, who wouldn't be attracted to someone giving off serious Life is full of wonder! vibes? Others -- including potential friends! -- will be flocking to that person like followers to a Guru.

[Baile]

All of which tells me that my solitude, apparently if not obviously, is more important to me than having friends. I am here because this is the place to be to NOT have close friends. If I wanted close friends -- people I could relate to more -- I would have to go somewhere else. Which I can do anytime. We are all free to pack up and move! But I don't do that, because I choose not to.

[linen53]

I like having friends but I don't want close friends. It takes to much investment and time. I'm done with that. Most times they screw me over in one form or another and then I am to start all over? Just done with that.

I think it's easier to develop close friendships when one is young. When we age it becomes more difficult.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by linen53

Most times they screw me over in one form or another.

Ha-ha! Yes there's that as well, heh. I allowed people to do that to me in the past. But part of that is I used to put expectations on things. I don't do that much anymore. No expectations = no disappointments. And I find it easier to laugh at stuff now, so that helps too.

[linen53]

Well, I wasn't putting expectations on friends. I invested in them and then they disappeared POOF. No more.

One "friend" needed knee replacements-both knees. I took her to every doctor's appointment 40 miles away from where we live, to surgery and to the recovery rehab place where she stayed a month on each knee because she lived alone and didn't have anyone to take care of her. We even went to get her and take her out to dinner on Thanksgiving.

After she was all healed up and all doctor's appointments were done. POOF! Gone.

Did I have expectations? No, I just thought we were friends and that's what friends do for each other. Guess I was wrong. That's just one example.

Now I have acquaintance friends and I like it that way.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by linen53

After she was all healed up and all doctor's appointments were done. POOF! Gone.

Did I have expectations? No, I just thought we were friends and that's what friends do for each other. Guess I was wrong.

Your expectation was that she would stay in touch after doing all that for her. You also had an expectation about what friends are, and how they act.

Expectations are very sneaky.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Clio_86

I feel like this is worse than dating.

That comment made me laugh out loud lol.

So I don't really have advice about what you should do. I will say though that the worst that can happen is you contact those people, and find out they didn't want to hear from you again. Which amazingly is also the best thing that could happen because now you know, and you can get on with other things!

And some spiritual stuff because this is a spiritual forum... The path I followed years ago spoke about how we work through karma in our early years with souls we knew in Spirit, before incarnating. These souls include parents, family members, childhood friends, etc. So connecting with friends is easy when we're young; it's something we already planned out, and simply stepped into the moment we were born.

That changes in the 30s and 40s. By then we have worked through a lot of that "arranged" karma. Our later years are the time when we create new karma, with new connections. So imagine it like this: you get a roadmap to life, and you travel it for three decades, and then you reach the edges of the map. But there is still lots out there to explore, only now you have to create that map for yourself as you go. That's why it feels different; why it can be confusing and difficult making friends later on in life.