Pushing for normal relationship that he doesnt want!

[MissCreativeSpirit]

Ok so I am in my mid forties and am divorced once.I had an upbringing in an alcoholic household. I thought I had dated my most complicated and stressful guy when I divorced they I would ever date.

But now I am frequently tiggered by this been guy into abandonment issues.His problems are immense alone and mine I can barely cope with at times too.

I sm wanting to back off because I will feel relief. This is about my desire to codependantly force him to just consistantly be in contact. It is just too much work. And we fight over so much now. It is torture.He simply is someone I appear to be psychologically taking hostage trying to get him to love me at all. If he is going to fight me all the way i would rather leg him go. He is not volunteering to make the relationship all it could be at all it could be it is too much work for what it is worth. I need a more involved in my life guy. Anyway I just felt safe sharing here.

[Mysticrose37]

Creative spirit.. Funny as that sounds exactly like the first guy I dated after my separation from my husband. He was perfect on paper. Perfect in every way. He just wasn't in my life enough. After nine months I said goodbye. I knew I would never forget him. As I know I had loved him more than I ever loved my alcoholic husband. Yet he simply wasn't emotionally available to me.

If in the cold light of day you'd rather let him go, then this is probably best. You don't sound too happy with the way it's going as it seems an uphill struggle.

Is this what you want for the long term?

Point is, this sort of interaction is so draining on the emotions let alone the spirit, always having to strategise how to keep the relationship going rather than knowing it basically works, just getting on with sharing and enjoying. Any relationship takes some work, some compromise, but unless the people help to fulfill each other's lives in at least some small way it's hardly worth it.

True, there are those confronters whose bag is continually contradicting and fighting but if it isn't yours then, yes, you won't get a lot of happiness out of a scorpion dance thing.

Good luck, arriving at your decision.

CreativeSpirit - It doesn't sound like this guy cares very much at all if he doesn't make a bit of an effort. Relationships have to be worked on, and that means from both parties. If he would really care, he would want to make more of an effort!

It's easy though to say "just leave". What people forget when they say "just leave" is that those of us who are empaths, really care about the other person, we love them deeply, we are not like people who change partners every few days (which seems to be so fashionable nowadays).

I therefore can't give any advice. All the more so since I have never been in a relationship - and I'm also in my forties. This has not been by choice, but it means that I don't know as much about relationships as other people of my age. I do know though that it's not the same for us empaths, us who really care and love deeply, to just leave. We are the exception nowadays though so not many people understand that for us, it's different and we don't just easily leave and find someone else.

Therefore, think about everything carefully before you make a decision. There is no guarantee that you will find someone else - the old saying "there is someone for everyone" no longer holds true. Sorry to be so blunt but that's the truth - nobody wants a genuine, honest, loving partner nowadays. People want someone for one night, for a bit of "fun", and that's it. Think how much you love this guy, consider how you will feel if it's over, but also consider you your future will be if you stay with him. Consider everything and then make a decision.

That way, by the time you make a decision, you will be strong enough to live with the consequences.

[MissCreativeSpirit]

We are not together. I plan to live elsewhere away from where he lives for my own healths sake. I think the empathy thing is part of why letting him completely go. If we have multiple probable realities I kept psychically looking at one where he and I are pretty happy together. I was wooed by the images and feelings. We got married in that reality.

[Bornonthecusp]

Originally Posted by CreativeSpirit

We are not together. I plan to live elsewhere away from where he lives for my own healths sake. I think the empathy thing is part of why letting him completely go. If we have multiple probable realities I kept psychically looking at one where he and I are pretty happy together. I was wooed by the images and feelings. We got married in that reality.

I think that's a really interesting point you make about looking at an alternate reality version of you two as opposed to this one. I have never thought about it that way before and trust me, there has been plenty of guys I was so sure about but it just never worked out. Wow, thank you, that's really helped me. And if my opinion is worth anything to you, I think what you're doing is very brave and will ultimately work out for your highest good. Take care

[MissCreativeSpirit]

All I know is I have told him how I feel.

[Jack of Spades]

If someone doesn't want as intense or as close relationship as you do, the more you try to pull them close, the more trapped and caged they will feel. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care, or that you're asking too much. Sometimes just people have different ideas about what they want. Some people just want to be closer than others, and at the end of the day, it's really a question of compatibility.

[Mr_Determined]

Originally Posted by Jack of Spades

If someone doesn't want as intense or as close relationship as you do, the more you try to pull them close, the more trapped and caged they will feel. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care, or that you're asking too much. Sometimes just people have different ideas about what they want. Some people just want to be closer than others, and at the end of the day, it's really a question of compatibility.

That's a good point Jack!

It's understood there are a lot of very available lonely hearts out there seeking some form of commitment. As a guy; I've spoken to quite a few other guys who have given their view on relationships these days, and believe me, most have pretty much shared a similar view from their own experiences.

Couples and singles alike will go to great lengths trying to fill the emptiness they feel inside with possessions, money, pleasures, relationships and any number of other things. As long as something in our life is new, we have temporary happiness. But as that happiness begins to fade, we are forced to search for contentment in something or someone else.
We can suppress our knowledge and try to fill the void with anything of our desire, but we will never be satisfied.

Clearly things and pleasures are not the answer to satisfaction. When we try to fill that void it is like forcing a square peg into a round hole. We may be able to make it fit, but we can never fill in the gaps. We can cover the gaps with temporal pleasures, but the emptiness keeps rising to the top. Each time that void resurfaces, we are forced to find another source of temporary happiness or be consumed with the emptiness we feel.

We carry relationships beyond partnership into dependency. This becomes an unhealthy, unrealistic expectation in friendships and marriages. Instead of being partners, we place unrealistic expectations on others to become our fulfillers. If I had a partner as the source of my fulfillment then he/she is no longer a partner, but an object of my selfish expectations.

People will let us down. Even the most good hearted person will fail us and often will fall short of our expectations. Our expectations always center around the so called "me" and if both parties are seeking self-centered expectations they will be in conflict. When people enter into a relationship with the expectation of being fulfilled, they are destined for disappointment. Emotions fade and any marriage or relationship will struggle to survive if it is founded upon the emotions that were enjoyed during the dating years.

@CS, despite the feelings you had towards this guy, would you have ever considered a platonic friendship with him instead and raised little questions as to what it could be that bothers him as with his views ?

[Mysticrose37]

Jack of spades.. Can I ask you something? Do you get normal playing cards flying at your feet? Like out of no where just to send you a message?