Connecting again with God/Jesus.... Help me please. Show me.

[Bubbles]

I am pretty sure this is no coincidence... but throughout my life, the moments/weeks~months of when I was praying every night before bed and usually talk with God/Jesus.... it's like when my financial life and goals were booming doing great, life seemed without problems, I was going through life like a swan through a lake, flowing happy. And the moments/weeks~months when I was becoming distant from God/Jesus.. it's like the opposite/vice versa of what I said above.. problems appearing, confusion, depressed-mood, bad financial times etc.......

I am making this thread in regards to my observation of a pattern involved in ~last 15-18 years... considering I am 29.

I am also very aware of the 'stigma' of how come when people are in need/down in their life, they ask God for help and mercy.... and when things are going great in people's life, health, financials and harmony in family etc... people somehow forget about God. It is almost like people imprint in their mind that God must be approached only to help us. Maybe we should pray to be thankful and pray to help us maintain what we already have... although we always want more and more...

And now with this in mind... it feels so hard to pray/speak with God/Jesus again... I try and do it some nights, but I just do not feel the same connection as it was 'back in the good days'... when I was praying/talking while my life was also doing really well and not clustered with problems. The reason why I can't feel the connection is that deep down n my heart I feel like I betrayed God/Jesus in a way that many times I asked him for his help...and I came one day to realize, while praying.. that every single thing I ever asked Jesus... he gave me. I came to tears when realized that... in a mix of emotions. I managed to fix so many problems/things in miraculous way, that now, looking back, makes me inflate my own ego of how come managed to always dodge the 'bullet'... but I do know it was help from the Big Guy.

I had ups and downs..and on past downs was always asking God, give me this chance.... which eventually lead to give me 'one' more chance... and He did. And I came back up a bit, and somehow I still stopped praying..talking with Him... and slow going down again. Remember, I am also speaking based on personal patterns. And now even after the last time.. am seriously ashamed of myself to return to Him. I do try... I do pray to Him, mostly asking for forgiveness for what I have done... but it is like if I can't believe myself, how can God then? And I do not believe myself as much because of the obvious feeling.... as an analogy.....it's like when you ask your best friend for a sum of money.. you act like you forget to pay it back. Then you ask a second time, and you tell him you will, you delay and don't pay. Then you implore for a 3rd time.. and you %@&^ it up then as well... now.. how would you feel about going for a 4th time to your friend? It's the self shame, the insecurity that you might also %@&^ it up again... it's the shame derived for putting your friend to this as well... But honestly, this is a poor analogy... to get back to the topic, this is not a problem of one emotion such as shame, but rather a mixture of them.... including feeling like a betrayal.. guilt..shame...

I remember one night, long ago... could have been 2 or 3 AM.. I was praying with my face close to the window outside.... was asking God/Jesus for help again and talking with him about this and that... I guess repenting as well... and as my tears were going down my cheeks.. I see outside, 2 white pigeons flying.. at that hour?? and white pigeons? immediately in my mind this felt deeply like a Sign... and a symbol of hope. And my life general~ went up with the immediate problem getting fixed as well.

Also one of the moments when I was at the heights in terms of financial gains, it was like Jesus was one of my best friends who I was sharing to my daily stories, talking very excitedly randomly throughout the day about this and that being thankful for etc etc... That also happened after when I was broke and used the last of my money to buy an icon of Jesus and Baby Jesus with Mother... while having no expectations when doing so... pure act.

Last year I even dream of Jesus, I spoke about it in this thread, but please don't get distracted to jump on that other thread if you can and have something to say, reply here. Thank you in advance. I need to regain the belief that I can form that relationship I once had, again...

[Marie]

What you are describing, is the reality of sin, the fleshly bodily sin. That he came to deliver us from. That's why Paul said, the bad I don't want, I do, but the good I want, I don't do. See how jesus forgave the disciples for falling asleep. See how he have forgiven everyone over and over. The difference is, in turning away from God and not. It's in the intent. I think many might be struggling like this. And the fact he's always there helping shows he doesn't abandon you, despite off, he knows your intentions. So when he knows your intentions you can rest assured that he is just waiting patiently for you to connect.

[Bubbles]

Originally Posted by Marie

What you are describing, is the reality of sin, the fleshly bodily sin. That he came to deliver us from. That's why Paul said, the bad I don't want, I do, but the good I want, I don't do. See how jesus forgave the disciples for falling asleep. See how he have forgiven everyone over and over. The difference is, in turning away from God and not. It's in the intent. I think many might be struggling like this. And the fact he's always there helping shows he doesn't abandon you, despite off, he knows your intentions. So when he knows your intentions you can rest assured that he is just waiting patiently for you to connect.

Thank you for replying. Based on what you said, I ended up on this site, http://biblehub.com/romans/7-19.htm where it is being displayed variations of verses from many types of Bibles... pretty much a matter of semantycs, the message being the same and there is an explanaton as well~ Thank you. Made me realize some things... that for me to break this loop I need to purify my mind/thoughts/body... this process wll take some time but I think I know what I should...

Originally Posted by sky123

Your relationship seems to be based on worldly ups and downs, try and form a relationship on love.

This made me think... of stop asking for too much and just communicate, connect. Seems like this was the essence/key of what was happening when I was closer. It's not just life seemed better because it also was, but there was already more or less of such a relationship of love. I will not give up. Never will.

Originally Posted by sky123

Isn't the use of the word ' Sin ' judgement ?

I don't think it is really that important to get lost in this question... Use of the word sin can merely be to point something out. One can tell me I have sinned while not judging me at all deep down. It's the emotional charge/intention that you associate to words that matters....

If Marie would've said to me "you are a sinner and you need to repent if you want to be saved", then I would call that judgement more than advice... and that's the kind of phrase and aggressive attitude I see stereotypes in most North American Christians... aka "You Need Jesus" while yelling... Although I am not from there, the glimpse of judging even other religious people, does spark every now and then... when you go to Church and old people (ladies) are chitchatting non stop that you can barely hear the priest.. makes me angry somewhat.

But if age and life experience (as much or little as I have) thought me on thing, is that to never judge someone even when it seemes so logic to judge. No matter who you judge, you will never have the full spectrum of his/her reasons to act n a certain way or behave like that. You do not know the years of e.g. emotional pain and stress that may have accumulated in one's person life, which lead to acting in certain ways. Sure, you can see that that person could do this or that instead, but he/she cannot see it.

You can't judge someone because there are so many criteria involved. To go to an extreme, even if a very depressed person would suicide and leave a long note explaining his/her reasons, you will still not understand the full spectrum.

There are things in life that happens to you, and you in order to cope and move on, you tend to forget/suppress some, but there are always marks and subtle changes... they all do contribute to who you are. I am sure in my life/yours there are people who would wonder why you/I don't do x or y or haven't done z and such... but if they would only understand the full spectrum and perspective... if they would know exactly the many contradicting choices, happenings, truths and lies etc., happened to you... they would understand.. but they couldn't fully even if you would tell them, you can't grasp the entire 'story' in words to them. The irony, is that they(other people) could understand not to judge, if they look in the mirror... within themselves. I do not know to need exactly your reasons for sinning because me wanting to know your reasons for sinning, means that I am trying to judge you and come to a conclusion (or be curious at the very least). But when I know how come other people can easy judge me when they do not even know 10% of the entire 'story' of me... how can I judge others when don't even know 10% of the entire 'story' of them? I hope you see my point.

[SaturninePluto]

Bubbles, I agree very much with Marie here, in that there is forgiveness. I feel for your communication with Jesus and God, all you may need to focus on perhaps is simply the act of communicating and see how that goes. And there is nothing wrong I feel with taking it slow either, you may need not pray every night, but perhaps work your way up a little at a time.

Perhaps go easy on yourself a bit as well if you can, I mean with the constant apologizing to Jesus, and God. You only should really need to ask for forgiveness once.

Believe Bubbles, that you are forgiven.

And, concentrate indeed on slowly building that relationship back up if you wish.

There is no rush. Relax, and take it easy.

All my best.

[theophilus]

You can't judge your closeness to God by how you feel. God sometimes allows those close to him to go through difficult times to test and develop their faith. Look at what happened to Job; he served God faithfully yet he lost his health, his wealth, and this children. No doubt he felt the same way you do; he prayed and it seemed as if God was ignoring him. Rather than asking God for things, why don't you try thanking him for the good things you already have.

We speak to God through prayer; he speaks to us through his Word, the Bible. Have you ever tried just reading the Bible and asking him to help you understand it? That might be a good thing to do when you find that you can't pray. Listening to what God says to us is more important than speaking to him.

I will pray that God will help you to understand his word and know what he wants you to do.

[Bubbles]

Originally Posted by SaturninePluto

Bubbles, I agree very much with Marie here, in that there is forgiveness. I feel for your communication with Jesus and God, all you may need to focus on perhaps is simply the act of communicating and see how that goes. And there is nothing wrong I feel with taking it slow either, you may need not pray every night, but perhaps work your way up a little at a time.

Perhaps go easy on yourself a bit as well if you can, I mean with the constant apologizing to Jesus, and God. You only should really need to ask for forgiveness once.

Believe Bubbles, that you are forgiven.

And, concentrate indeed on slowly building that relationship back up if you wish.

There is no rush. Relax, and take it easy.

All my best.

Thank you warmly for helping me restore faith in myself first of all and strengthen me with the possibility that yes I can work to get connected again :) I am following your advice, know this.

Originally Posted by theophilus

You can't judge your closeness to God by how you feel. God sometimes allows those close to him to go through difficult times to test and develop their faith. Look at what happened to Job; he served God faithfully yet he lost his health, his wealth, and this children. No doubt he felt the same way you do; he prayed and it seemed as if God was ignoring him. Rather than asking God for things, why don't you try thanking him for the good things you already have.

We speak to God through prayer; he speaks to us through his Word, the Bible. Have you ever tried just reading the Bible and asking him to help you understand it? That might be a good thing to do when you find that you can't pray. Listening to what God says to us is more important than speaking to him.

I will pray that God will help you to understand his word and know what he wants you to do.

Honestly, I kind of forgot about this perspective... Just want to point out a difference n your analogy from what you explained with Steve Jobs and me. You claim as my understanding goes, that Steve Jobs was religious and faithfully and close to God... and look what happened to him, how he died. The differences is that God might have put him though a difficult time despite his faith..... while I simply distanced myself, 'forgetting' to pray because of too tired at night...and connect with God/Jesus... stopping to share my joys and thoughts and problems... with Jesus... yes, all thoughts, good, neutral, bad. In other words, I did it with my own hands. Maybe you are right, there is not difference, maybe this is also a difficult time and test for God/Jesus to see what I am going to do. Although he already knows.. well, where's the fun in that God? :)

Your advice is not a tap on my shoulder but rather a wake up to reality, that indeed I should be more thankful to what I already have, more grateful... last night after reading your message, went later on to pray before bed..and I thought about it.. you are right... things in my life could be so much worse considering what's going on in all this world.. and I should be more grateful for whatever I am already gifted with.... health, family etc

Regarding your last paragraph, it is nice how you covered the 'ask to help for understanding' because the main problem is that if one would read the Bible like any book just passing through, he won't understand the message.. unless being guided, reading explanations... yes maybe asking God to help you understand, but realistically not sure how that will work out.

Might be true that listening to what God says might be more important than speaking to him. That is why I am trying to connect again the way I know. I put more value into communicating Jesus deep down from your heart, being pure and honest and focused/concentrated. I do some prayers, but they are merely for me a formality... So many people saying prayers like poetry with little heart in their meanings..but who am I to judge.. Last but not least, what may work for you might not work for me and vice versa.

Thank you.

PS Steve Jobs didn't lost his wealth, "At the time of his death in 2011, Steve Jobs' net worth was estimated at $10.2 billion."

well.. guess,, he did lost it, since he died. hopefully he was rich in the 'other currency'

[Marie]

This is the love of God, the higher, that is going out of what our minds can understand. He will never judge you. (neither do I, you are so brave for mentioning this as well as me and others have struggled)

[sky]

Originally Posted by Marie

This is the love of God, the higher, that is going out of what our minds can understand. He will never judge you. (neither do I, you are so brave for mentioning this as well as me and others have struggled)

' What you are describing, is the reality of sin..... Then ' He will never judge you. (neither do I '


Isn't the use of the word ' Sin ' judgement ?

[sky]

Originally Posted by Bubbles

I am pretty sure this is no coincidence... but throughout my life, the moments/weeks~months of when I was praying every night before bed and usually talk with God/Jesus.... it's like when my financial life and goals were booming doing great, life seemed without problems, I was going through life like a swan through a lake, flowing happy. And the moments/weeks~months when I was becoming distant from God/Jesus.. it's like the opposite/vice versa of what I said above.. problems appearing, confusion, depressed-mood, bad financial times etc.......

I am making this thread in regards to my observation of a pattern involved in ~last 15-18 years... considering I am 29.

I am also very aware of the 'stigma' of how come when people are in need/down in their life, they ask God for help and mercy.... and when things are going great in people's life, health, financials and harmony in family etc... people somehow forget about God. It is almost like people imprint in their mind that God must be approached only to help us. Maybe we should pray to be thankful and pray to help us maintain what we already have... although we always want more and more...

And now with this in mind... it feels so hard to pray/speak with God/Jesus again... I try and do it some nights, but I just do not feel the same connection as it was 'back in the good days'... when I was praying/talking while my life was also doing really well and not clustered with problems. The reason why I can't feel the connection is that deep down n my heart I feel like I betrayed God/Jesus in a way that many times I asked him for his help...and I came one day to realize, while praying.. that every single thing I ever asked Jesus... he gave me. I came to tears when realized that... in a mix of emotions. I managed to fix so many problems/things in miraculous way, that now, looking back, makes me inflate my own ego of how come managed to always dodge the 'bullet'... but I do know it was help from the Big Guy.

I had ups and downs..and on past downs was always asking God, give me this chance.... which eventually lead to give me 'one' more chance... and He did. And I came back up a bit, and somehow I still stopped praying..talking with Him... and slow going down again. Remember, I am also speaking based on personal patterns. And now even after the last time.. am seriously ashamed of myself to return to Him. I do try... I do pray to Him, mostly asking for forgiveness for what I have done... but it is like if I can't believe myself, how can God then? And I do not believe myself as much because of the obvious feeling.... as an analogy.....it's like when you ask your best friend for a sum of money.. you act like you forget to pay it back. Then you ask a second time, and you tell him you will, you delay and don't pay. Then you implore for a 3rd time.. and you %@&^ it up then as well... now.. how would you feel about going for a 4th time to your friend? It's the self shame, the insecurity that you might also %@&^ it up again... it's the shame derived for putting your friend to this as well... But honestly, this is a poor analogy... to get back to the topic, this is not a problem of one emotion such as shame, but rather a mixture of them.... including feeling like a betrayal.. guilt..shame...

I remember one night, long ago... could have been 2 or 3 AM.. I was praying with my face close to the window outside.... was asking God/Jesus for help again and talking with him about this and that... I guess repenting as well... and as my tears were going down my cheeks.. I see outside, 2 white pigeons flying.. at that hour?? and white pigeons? immediately in my mind this felt deeply like a Sign... and a symbol of hope. And my life general~ went up with the immediate problem getting fixed as well.

Also one of the moments when I was at the heights in terms of financial gains, it was like Jesus was one of my best friends who I was sharing to my daily stories, talking very excitedly randomly throughout the day about this and that being thankful for etc etc... That also happened after when I was broke and used the last of my money to buy an icon of Jesus and Baby Jesus with Mother... while having no expectations when doing so... pure act.

Last year I even dream of Jesus, I spoke about it in this thread, but please don't get distracted to jump on that other thread if you can and have something to say, reply here. Thank you in advance. I need to regain the belief that I can form that relationship I once had, again...

Your relationship seems to be based on worldly ups and downs, try and form a relationship on love.

[Marie]

No as Jesus said he doesn't judge. He forgave, as he still does.