A phobia of emotional/verbal conflict

[SerpentSun]

I'm not big on 12-step programs nor most counselling, really any mainstream psychiatric programs. I don't even go to eye doctors or general physicians. I'd be better off speaking to a rewilding therapist or spiritual healer of sorts, one with a background in dealing with abuse. But thank you all for your kind words! :)

Clearly I do understand my situation more than I consciously realize. It seems that all I need is someone/something to reflect and refract my thoughts, allowing me to analyze them without being blinded and paralyzed. A journal, or yes, someone to talk to. But not just some suit in a meeting room or office.

With a journal, I can't help but feel that I'm talking to myself. I do that enough already. With other people, there comes new perspectives, but also diagnosis of mental disorders and prescriptions for poisonous pills. No thanks.

Me, my mate, and my mother-in-law were doing some spring cleaning yesterday, and they found like a little prayer journal for kids age 6-10. Products marketed toward small children always did appeal to me. Unlike with other journals, I feel like I'm talking to something greater than myself. And it allows me to pray in a more coherent and physical way.

The journal has 3 sections. First is My Daily Prayers, pages with a simple prayer form to fill out, so hopefully I don't forget anything. Why I love God, what I'm thankful for, what I'm sorry for, what are my requests for the day....And then a few lines to record the answers to my prayers.

The next section in the journal is Counting My Blessings, extra pages to elaborate on what I'm thankful for. I like the emphasis on giving thanks rather than making requests. There's a sun and moon on each page of that section, so I thanked God for those.

The last section, My Personal Diary, is pretty self-explanatory. The instructions? "This is space to record who you are. There are no rules here." That's awesome, because I don't know who I am. I've always just followed the rules.

Each section of the journal has a Bible verse at the top, all with my "lucky(?) numbers" 1, 4, 6, and/or 9. Each page also has a blank back for drawing and whatnot.

Sure my mom (and yes she's an alcoholic) screwed up my head, but that doesn't mean I can't UNscrew it. Or maybe it just needs screwed better, because my screws are too loose. I'll be okay though.

The more I learn about myself, the more my spirit grows, the more I understand why I am the way I am. Everything happens for a reason, although that knowledge doesn't always seem to help. But I apparently I have one of the rarest and least-liked personality type for women, so of course I'll be persecuted.

I just shouldn't take it personally. :)