Still grieving relationship after 2 years- advice much needed

Hi all :)

So, today I decided to ask all of you for help because it seems I can’t solve it and I hope some will help me to get clarity on this.
Warning that this could get long.

First, I’ll tell a little backup story:
Met this guy on Tinder in january 2018. The spark was soon there. We had so much to talk about(really in depth conversations) and decided to meet in person 10 days later. The date was amazing. We got comfortable with each other and talked all night. It was really a home vibe feeling.
Our first kiss was 4 dates later, attraction was mutual and it was nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. His face features and everything felt like they were made only for me(dream man) and his energy that he gave during kiss, hug or sex was really lovely. I always felt like he is charging me with “divine love”
So we soon began to date seriously.
We were going on trips together, adventures with his friends( i really connected with his friends which never happened before with my other exes), parties, he even took me to his motherland for 14 days to his family. We were eating out, talking all day all night, learning with each other about spirituality- even healing ourselves with crystals( i put my crystals on his body and cleared his energy- lol amazing :3) . He was helping me through my dark times and giving me advice....just so you get a touch on our relationship.
Anyway.
This relationship fell apart 6 months after because(like he said) there is no connection and he is not ready for relationship. We stayed friends for a little longer, went on a vacation together(alone) and then he suddenly ghosted me 1 week after we came from vacation.
I should get clear on something else- I was really struggling(still am a little bit i’m healing) with my anxious avoidant style in relationship, codependency. Really a whole lot of trauma which showed itself in no self worth, no confidence etc. He kinda brought that out from me to heal probably.
Relationship with him was good for me but bad for him probably. He as a person was very caring,affectionate, intimate, communicative...all good. But looking from my perspective I was probably draining him with my extreme mood instability, control, manipulation, insecurity- acting childish

So. Still to this day I’m struggling to let go of him. I tried journaling, astro letters. dating other guy but still sthinking about him and lastly; I really took a deep look within myself, healed a lot of aspects in my trauma body, was not looking for a rebound- I just really went on this journey to become a whole person who doesn’t depend on anybody for love
I still think of him every day, I dream of him, I write of him, I visualize(not on purpose) how I have a family with him.
I guess what I want to say is that I still love him deep in my heart and I can’t detache. Maybe this has to do something with me proving to mysef that I am worthy of his love because he left abruptly?

Can anybody tell me why I can’t let him go? It bothers me a lot because I constantly find myself entertaining with thought “will he come back”, “does he still think about me”, “is he actually the one”. And then again having thoughts like” I should forget about him”, “He doesn’t care anymore”, “move on”, “he is not the one”.

I thank anyone deeply from my heart who is willing to help me because I really want to end this once and for all.

Thank you, I love you all

Be safe!

[JosephineB]

Sorry for your troubles OP. I know it's probably annoying to hear, but time. Then another, easier said than done. Cut the time down when you allow yourself thoughts about him. Then keep lessening that as the days go by. As you mentioned the journaling, a good idea. Really let rip on your deep down thoughts and feelings, positive and negative. I'm sure he wasn't perfect. Who is. And cry, I'm sure you've done plenty of that! It's a good release.

It's possible to not be attached and still love. I hope you are able to move on. Best wishes.

[iamthat]

What you are going through is very hard to deal with, and you are obviously suffering.

You say: I should get clear on something else- I was really struggling(still am a little bit i’m healing) with my anxious avoidant style in relationship, codependency. Really a whole lot of trauma which showed itself in no self worth, no confidence etc. He kinda brought that out from me to heal probably.

This seems very true. Perhaps the reason for your relationship was to bring these things to the surface to be healed in you. The healing process can be difficult but you should come out the other end feeling stronger and more whole as a person.

So just be present with whatever arises in you and be willing to fully experience all the painful feelings. You could try reading The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin, which is all about diving into our feelings, no matter how painful.

And maybe one day you will meet someone else and all your thoughts and feelings about this guy will fade away.

Peace

[Starman]

Originally Posted by OriSunshine

Hi all :)

So, today I decided to ask all of you for help because it seems I can’t solve it and I hope some will help me to get clarity on this.

Thank you, I love you all

Be safe!

Understand that while there is work to do on your self, there is nothing to solve. You learn to work with what you got and use it for your own healthy growth. So here I will make a long rambling post, which I hope is helpful.

Seems he was sending you signals that this relationship was going to part ways, when he said he was not ready, maybe you were not ready to hear that. I think you may be holding on because of the great times you had and wanted to continue having with him. Unmet expectations can hurt us.

First of all there is no set grieving time for loss; some grieve for years while others grieve for months. It depends on how emotionally a person is invested in another person when they break up, and it sounds like you were, and still are, pretty invested in this person. Maybe you even thought one day you two might marry. He seemed like the perfect mate for you, at least from what you have posted.

But he said he was not ready, and that dashed any wishful thinking you may have had. Nonetheless, you are still holding on to “what if” or “why” in regards to that relationship. If he was not ready and the relationship continued it might have been a one-sided relationship, which might be hurtful as well. When a potential mate does not respond the way you would like for them to respond it causes problems. I don’t know if you know about the grieving process, or what stage you might be in.

Grieving is similar to withdrawal from and addiction, lots of people use other people like a drug to get their emotional fix. Not saying that is what you have done, But I think the 5-stages of grieving,that Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross put forward, as related to the dying process, can give you some insight. You are grieving the death of a relationship; similar to a person grieving the physical death of a loved one.

Letting go is a process; your emotions are going through a process, and turning your interests elsewhere, not necessarily to another person, but to a hobby, a passion, a go to situation when you are feeling down, may help to speed up that emotional process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is only your way. Look online about the “grieving process” and journal what stage you think you are in, and what is said about that stage.

That you feel 2-years is too long, or that is the way it sounds, says to me that you are ready to let go; else you would not be inquiring about it. Do a light exercise workout several times weekly, it will help focus your attention. Tai Chi, or some other centering technique may also help. Grieving comes with thoughts and feelings, and years from now those thoughts and feelings may still arise, but as long as they do not plaguing you, as it seems they are now, you are doing better.

This is a great opportunity for you to learn about yourself and discover how you are in experiencing a breakup. Relationships are all about discovery, and it sounds like you got a lot from this relationship that will be useful for you down the road. There is no instant cure for grieving, you just work it out within your self. Each person does it their own way. Your head may get involved with reasoning and logic, etc., but this is a matter of the heart. Give you self space and time to heal, and love your self; don’t beat your self up.

The saying is “it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all,” but you have not lost, you have succeeded, with his help, and now you can use that to go to another level. You have something now, because of that relationship, which you did not have before. Realize that. We can not learn how to have healthy relationships by avoiding relationships.

Peace and Good Journey

[A human Being]

I can very much relate to your story, OS, I formed a very strong, intense connection with an ex and I've found it extremely, painfully difficult to come to terms with the loss and to work through the deep feelings of grief and heartache that were triggered by the whole situation (I still haven't fully worked through those feelings, either, though thankfully I'm much better than I was).

Originally Posted by iamthat

So just be present with whatever arises in you and be willing to fully experience all the painful feelings.

This is the key for me. There does need to be a willingness to allow the arising of very painful, uncomfortable emotions, I think, and these feelings don't tend to resolve themselves overnight so patience is really important; a lot of the time, the central issue is actually the resistance to feeling certain emotions rather than the emotions themselves, so be aware of any contraction/tension/heaviness you might be feeling in your body, OS, and allow your body to breathe and relax. Keep in mind that your emotions are stored in your body, and so that's where your attention needs to be in order to release them (we humans tend to develop an unfortunate habit of getting lost in our mental narratives, but we can't really think our way to emotional resolution).

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by A human Being

This is the key for me. There does need to be a willingness to allow the arising of very painful, uncomfortable emotions, I think, and these feelings don't tend to resolve themselves overnight so patience is really important; a lot of the time, the central issue is actually the resistance to feeling certain emotions rather than the emotions themselves, so be aware of any contraction/tension/heaviness you might be feeling in your body, OS, and allow your body to breathe and relax. Keep in mind that your emotions are stored in your body, and so that's where your attention needs to be in order to release them (we humans tend to develop an unfortunate habit of getting lost in our mental narratives, but we can't really think our way to emotional resolution).

Yes, we resist painful feelings because we do not want to re-experience that pain or we are afraid of being overwhelmed by the painful feelings. This resistance prolongs the suffering.

When we fully embrace such painful feelings then there can be a catharsis, a release. And we also may also realise that the pain is simply an energy, an emotional sensation, waiting to be released.

Peace

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by iamthat

Yes, we resist painful feelings because we do not want to re-experience that pain or we are afraid of being overwhelmed by the painful feelings. This resistance prolongs the suffering.

When we fully embrace such painful feelings then there can be a catharsis, a release. And we also may also realise that the pain is simply an energy, an emotional sensation, waiting to be released.

Peace

Exactly, yeah - well said. The human tendency is to try to shut pain out and to seek comfort, which is entirely understandable, but it doesn't lead to emotional resolution. So there does need to be a willingness to embrace such painful feelings, as you say.

[Uriwhetu]

Aw Hun, letting go is hard...I have endured a fair amount of heartache in my life to. The hardest one was probably my first love...(Im wondering if this was also your first love?)...I was madly in love and he left me for a good friend of mine who he was seeing behind my back for sometime before he finally ended it. I moved on with my life as best I could, got married and moved to another country, but would often think of him and once even cyber stalked him when I was drunk! Never a good idea. I think I suppressed rather then dealt with my emotions (I was young and inexperienced then) and when I went to a healer to deal with my divorce he picked up on my first love and said that was where the healing and clearing focus needed to be...I was so surprised, but I said ok and even more surprised that on the drive home I purposely thought of my first love and instead of the usual feelings, I felt NOTHING. It was like I had literally been emotionally disconnected from this man - it was amazing!

So, just an idea, maybe you could go see a healer. Find one that is personally recommended by someone you know (word of mouth), that way you know they are good.

I wish you a speedy recovery from your heartache
*Hugs*

Hi. I believe this man does love you very much. I believe that as much as he loves you he was/ is not in a place right now to commit to that love. This is the pain that you now endure. But I believe he also feels that pain. Try to accept that although the love is shared the time is not quite right. If the time becomes right in the future by divine intervention , it will happen. Always know you are loved.

Originally Posted by Uriwhetu

Aw Hun, letting go is hard...I have endured a fair amount of heartache in my life to. The hardest one was probably my first love...(Im wondering if this was also your first love?)...I was madly in love and he left me for a good friend of mine who he was seeing behind my back for sometime before he finally ended it. I moved on with my life as best I could, got married and moved to another country, but would often think of him and once even cyber stalked him when I was drunk! Never a good idea. I think I suppressed rather then dealt with my emotions (I was young and inexperienced then) and when I went to a healer to deal with my divorce he picked up on my first love and said that was where the healing and clearing focus needed to be...I was so surprised, but I said ok and even more surprised that on the drive home I purposely thought of my first love and instead of the usual feelings, I felt NOTHING. It was like I had literally been emotionally disconnected from this man - it was amazing!

So, just an idea, maybe you could go see a healer. Find one that is personally recommended by someone you know (word of mouth), that way you know they are good.

I wish you a speedy recovery from your heartache
*Hugs*

Our first love is our true color palate.

And what we desire,attachments and falsehoods aside.