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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 22-11-2018, 11:38 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Living in the wrong place & no friends

Living where you feel you don't belong...
It just dawned on me that that seems to be the story of my adult life. I thought it was just the years I've been living in this province where I began to feel I don't belong in 2007. I remember the exact moment that realization hit me.
Bright sunny day, on my way home from work, driving over a 6 km long bridge across the Oosterschelde, enjoying the view as I looked at the town on the other side.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it hit me: "What am I doing here? I don't belong here at all!"
It was quite a shocker as I'd been enjoying the ride and the moment. A moment I'd least expect to get something like that. It was so strong that when I got home I started looking for houses in another province that suddenly appealed to me. That was really weird as I was in a relationship with a man who wasn't going to move, with my 2 teenage kids (not his btw) that I'd have to uproot and they wouldn't have joined me. Yet, I was looking at rentals in that province, feeling quite confused.

Ever since, I began to really become aware of how much I do not resonate with the people in this province. They're very different from the people where I'm from, my province.
I haven't a single friend here, even though I've lived here for 15 years now. I know a lot of people, yes. Yet I have no friends. None.
When I tell people about this they look at me as if I'm nuts. They think it's me, I should just make an effort, open up.
But... I've done that. Time and again. It just does not work. Somehow me and these people do not click. It always remains superficial.

At some point I ended up talking to people and hit it off right away. Turns out they were from my province! And they were having the exact same problem as me.
Relief! It wasn't me!
I noticed that each and every time I end up talking to someone and it just clicks, they're from my province. And when addressing the issue they too confirm having the same problem.
Some moved away from here, back to our home province, because they felt unhappy here.
I too want to move, but not sure where to. Plus, my circumstances are somewhat different as I cannot work, I have a benefit due to a neck injury.

Just now it hit me that I've been in an exact same situation during my marriage. Moved away to the next province where my husband had a house.
I never felt at home their either. People weren't as warm, always holding back, sometimes a tad sneaky. Just like where I'm living now??
And -like the province I'm currently living- a quite Christian (reformed) province. My province is Catholic. Clearly that makes a difference?
I talked about it with a friend who wasn't from there either and she looked at me as if I was nuts, and didn't agree. Until she moved with her family to another area where people were genuinely warm and inviting. Then she told me, "You were right all along!"
Thank you! I'm not crazy!! Apparently just more perceptive than average.

I lived in that place with my family for 11 years. When I divorced I had to decide where to go, and I felt I didn't even want to be buried in that place. I figured if I didn't want to be there when dead, what the heck was I doing there when alive?!
I left. Only to end up here a year later. Again because of a relationship, moving in with him.
I left that relationship 6 years ago and now I'm still here. Fifteen effing years... And eleven since I got that epiphany on that bridge that I don't belong here.

So my entire adult life I've been living where I don't feel I belong, don't fit it, don't resonate with people. And barely a friend, currently no friend at all. The ones I had moved away then the friendship fades too.

Sometimes that really makes me think... why the heck is this happening to me? Why am I constantly living in a place/area where I do not fit in? What am I supposed to learn from this?
I've tried to just accept it, let it be, based on the belief that if I am here I likely have to be here for whatever reason.
But it just doesn't work. I'm withering, I'm not really happy, I miss having friends. Sometimes I don't speak to anyone for days... Except for the girl behind the cash-register in the supermarket. That's my social life...
NOT my choice, I don't like this. I've tried, tried to organize things with other people, singles. Nothing.
I find it confusing. What's the point? And if I'm not supposed to be here, then why don't I get some offer or opportunity to get the hell out of here?
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  #2  
Old 22-11-2018, 01:07 PM
Raziel Raziel is offline
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Many others actually say nothing of merit.

Yes they interact with each other but most of it is complaining or repeating media talking points.

If your actively seeking people you might attract the wrong ones as opposed to the ones naturally drawn to you.

~

I've said it a trillion times that volunteering at places that need help is a great way of putting out some positive & who knows what opportunities that might open up.

Animal shelters or libraries being a good place to start.

Your not alone my dear, the Internet connects the furthest of people together when your in a pinch. Watch some cats fall over on YouTube - that always raises a chuckle.

Best of all your purpose: is that your a mama. A thankless job but arguably the most important role you can ever have.

~

It sounds as though you know very well what it is that you need to do - but your asking if any of your workings out are correct before you submit the answer.

Unless I'm completely mistaken - you just want back to your home province correct?
__________________
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"I am your creation.
Now, as before - you criticise your own work."


- Legacy Of Kain
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  #3  
Old 23-11-2018, 10:11 AM
Altair Altair is offline
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Aww sorry to hear that FairyCrystal..
I’m from the Netherlands too..! It’s harder to make friends in adulthood, whereas in childhood/teenage years it’s like eating pie..! But you see each other like every day so it takes no effort. What I found out really helps is looking for groups and joining groups with like minded interests.. similar hobbies but also finding people that are or try to live spiritual. You’ll really strengthen one another. Without significant similarities it’s easy to make acquaintances but not friendships..

It sounds like you are from the Catholic south and you now live within the bible belt?? Yeah I can imagine that could be a culture shock!
Perhaps living in a southern province but also close to a city (more chance to make friends!) would help. A match of culture and personal needs. It sounds like a move would be best for you.
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  #4  
Old 23-11-2018, 11:02 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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I guess it takes another cloggie to understand, haha. (I didn't know you're Dutch :) )
And yes, Catholic south to bible belt, indeed a culture shock. Same as earlier on in my adult life when I got married, just a different bible belt area.
A move would indeed be good, thing is I don't know where to. And my benefit situation is a bit tricky due to physical problems but I do not officially got disability benefit. If I DID, then it'd be a piece of cake.
Right now moving would be a risk. What if a new council will force me to work or do volunteer work? And they likely will. I can't cos of my neck & head injury. Took me quite some time to convince council over here that I really can't and that I wasn't making it up.
In a way that's what's keeping me stuck, cos as it is I am safe, protected from being forced to do something I cannot physically do. But I'm safe in an area that doesn't make me happy. If I'd had a job it'd be much easier, or a disability benefit, and I think I would've moved already.
I was trying to build my own practice so I could make my own living after all with something I can do, and gain my freedom again. But currently still bothered a lot by my injury so I have to slow things down.
And I don't know where the heck I want to move to.

I also really don't get why I have ended up in situations like this my entire adult life. Not making that statement cos I feel sorry for myself, I don't, no reason to. I just genuinely do not understand.
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  #5  
Old 23-11-2018, 11:05 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raziel
Many others actually say nothing of merit.

Yes they interact with each other but most of it is complaining or repeating media talking points.

If your actively seeking people you might attract the wrong ones as opposed to the ones naturally drawn to you.

~

I've said it a trillion times that volunteering at places that need help is a great way of putting out some positive & who knows what opportunities that might open up.

Animal shelters or libraries being a good place to start.

Your not alone my dear, the Internet connects the furthest of people together when your in a pinch. Watch some cats fall over on YouTube - that always raises a chuckle.

Best of all your purpose: is that your a mama. A thankless job but arguably the most important role you can ever have.

~

It sounds as though you know very well what it is that you need to do - but your asking if any of your workings out are correct before you submit the answer.

Unless I'm completely mistaken - you just want back to your home province correct?
You are completely mistaken I do not want to move back to my home province. If that was the case I would've done that already.
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  #6  
Old 23-11-2018, 03:48 PM
Lorelyen
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Too intelligent for friends?

Could be your intelligence level. There's quite a lot out there about people with higher levels of intelligence having fewer friends. In fact, perhaps moot but people motivated to self-development / spiritual development are probably more intelligent than the hoi-poloi suggesting this may be a problem for some. I have almost no "real" friends where I spend most of my time. (In my case it's less about intelligence than I'm basically a loner but I notice it around). By "real" I mean people in whom I could confide, people who are self-motivated and I enjoy my time with. No quarrels, no disputes that can't be solved by rewording something. There are non-hostiles with whom I can spend an occasional evening out or some such and I suppose they're loosely friends. The closest I get to "friends" are those allied to my work.

Anyway, enough of me. Here's just the first of the web articles but like I say there are a few out there.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/natalie-v...-less-friends/
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  #7  
Old 23-11-2018, 06:44 PM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Could be your intelligence level. There's quite a lot out there about people with higher levels of intelligence having fewer friends. In fact, perhaps moot but people motivated to self-development / spiritual development are probably more intelligent than the hoi-poloi suggesting this may be a problem for some. I have almost no "real" friends where I spend most of my time. (In my case it's less about intelligence than I'm basically a loner but I notice it around). By "real" I mean people in whom I could confide, people who are self-motivated and I enjoy my time with. No quarrels, no disputes that can't be solved by rewording something. There are non-hostiles with whom I can spend an occasional evening out or some such and I suppose they're loosely friends. The closest I get to "friends" are those allied to my work.

Anyway, enough of me. Here's just the first of the web articles but like I say there are a few out there.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/natalie-v...-less-friends/
Wow! That article totally rings true! I indeed cannot be bothered with superficial people, fake friends, drama, and I don't give a chit about the latest trend and fads, totally meaningless to me.

I like in depth conversation, but also having fun, goofing around, but not with people who otherwise have nothing to offer.
I like well-rounded people, who are diverse like me.

You know this intelligence is also a HUGE problem when it comes to finding a partner? I need both EQ & IQ. Most have 1 and lack the other, and I cannot live or be with someone who doesn't have equally developed EQ or IQ.
Which boils down to a very small group that is in between the lower/medium level (they lack the IQ I need), and the higher levels (University levels, business people) because they lack depth in EQ.
That group in between is really quite small.
(I'm not talking about diplomas, just intelligence levels, including emotional intelligence.)

Thank you, Lorelyen. Very interesting!
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  #8  
Old 24-11-2018, 03:23 AM
Clio_86 Clio_86 is online now
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Toronto
Posts: 661
 
I also live somewhere where I feel I do not belong. I live in a city which is nice and I enjoy it for the most part. However, I know this isn't my "place" and I also have very few friends. I moved to the area I live in four years ago to do a masters degree and now I am doing a phd in a neighboring city. So I am stuck here for another few years until I finish. Luckily I have nothing tying me down and will move far away once I finish school. Hopefully to Europe or back out to the West Coast of Canada. With my cats along for the ride.

I ended a six year relationship a year and a half ago and needed some time to myself. However, I have pretty much accepted that I am not going to find anyone while living in this part of my country. I started volunteering once per week at a non-profit organization that helps people experiencing poverty and that gives me some much needed socialization. I also get socialization when teaching or doing school activities. Otherwise I am always alone (with my cats).

I will be going to Europe for four months this summer or late summer/fall to do research. I am looking forward to it and hopefully will meet some new people along the way. I'm also going to try to spend a week on my way back to Canada in Tanzania as that is where my best friend lives. I miss her so much and wish we lived on the same continent. Lol.
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  #9  
Old 24-11-2018, 06:45 PM
Raziel Raziel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
You are completely mistaken I do not want to move back to my home province. If that was the case I would've done that already.

You stated that you essentially only click with people from your home province & are also saying that the places you reside never feel like home...

Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
At some point I ended up talking to people and hit it off right away. Turns out they were from my province! And they were having the exact same problem as me.
Relief! It wasn't me!
I noticed that each and every time I end up talking to someone and it just clicks, they're from my province. And when addressing the issue they too confirm having the same problem.
Some moved away from here, back to our home province, because they felt unhappy here.
I too want to move, but not sure where to. Plus, my circumstances are somewhat different as I cannot work, I have a benefit due to a neck injury.

If your not going to go back there (thus solving those problems) then logic escapes me as to why those pieces of information were relevant?

A thanks for responding would have been nice - since after all you aren't actually talking to people daily according to your post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FairyCrystal
I'm withering, I'm not really happy, I miss having friends. Sometimes I don't speak to anyone for days... Except for the girl behind the cash-register in the supermarket. That's my social life...

Your welcome.
__________________
.


"I am your creation.
Now, as before - you criticise your own work."


- Legacy Of Kain
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  #10  
Old 24-11-2018, 10:49 PM
Native spirit Native spirit is online now
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I think living in the wrong place affects more people than you realise.
I live in the uk. Wales yes we have got scenery beautiful landscapes.etc but from being a small child I used to ask why I was here, not in the country I should be in.
I have always said I should be with my own people where I belong, my parents used to look at each other but say nothing.
so I asked my grandmother and she told me I have NDN Blood in me and I could feel the pull to go back home.


Namaste
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