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Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles
that's the funny thing, by the time we'd broken up the connection was long gone. it re-kindled as a result of him changing and us finding a way to actually communicate effectively and be kind to one another again after nearly 2 years of just being terrible to each other. it feels like we're both different people now so in a way it's brand new, but also with that familiarity and comfort of having been through so much together.
I wish I could remove my emotions from the situation, there would be zero problem. I don't see how I can though.
yes I've tried to tell myself that it means this is the thing that was meant to happen and you're probably right but I'm frustrated because why did the universe allow me to get so emotionally attached all over again just to have it ripped away again and put me through losing that future of being a real family with him and his son all over again? it feels cruel.
it just felt like there was nothing else I could do. I've worked hard lately to act in ways that are in line with the version of myself I'd most like to be instead of just giving in to my knee-jerk reactions of trying to get my own needs met. he said originally that if I said I didn't want him dating her that he would stop it then and there but who would I be to come out and say that? I don't want to be that person. the fact that I told him how it would make me feel and he made the decision he did in spite of saying he would stop seeing her to salvage our friendship seems to speak volumes.
I have major psychological issues around abandonment and rejection and all that. him and I both do, it's one of the biggest things we have in common. I've dealt with it all for the most part, I've been on my own path of recovery from mental illness for years and years already. I mean the fact that I dealt with the situation fairly gracefully speaks volumes to how much I've grown from what I once would have said and done in this situation lol.
I do plan to pull back a little bit, and I'm sure he expects it.
thank you for the kind and thoughtful response, it's appreciated.
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Many people split up then attempt to rekindle as there's an attachment there to that person, emotionally, psychologically and physically. You have a bond so it is as you say familiar, and you're also in your comfort zone with one another not having to start the process again with pastures new.
Telling yourself you can't remove emotions from the situation is always going to allow them to remain. The Universe didn't tell you to connect emotionally, either. This was a conscious choice you made. You became attached and as a result had expectations of a family unit.
Attachments and expectations can leave someone's world completely shattered, I have seen it time and time again and it isn't pleasant. I'm not saying shut down and close the door away from the world (and him) as that is the wrong thing to do and will not release emotions. It takes time and work - a lot of inner work. Learn acceptance and forgiveness, this will definitely help. Self love, too. This is huge.
You're right; it isn't for you to steer his ship and tell him what he can and cannot do, so you accepted that and made the right choice in saying that, so fair play to you. But, following up by saying you told him how it would make you feel obviously isn't genuine acceptance and is an attempt to make him feel guilty, whether you are consciously aware of that or not.
A situation or person cannot or does not make you feel anything, it is your choice to react that way. I don't mean to sound harsh here, I'm trying to remove this veil you have on as you're feeling sorry for yourself and you aren't this person, you're more than this and you know it.
My advice (for what it's worth) would be to tell him you need space and to focus on you, while he does his thing. Remaining in contact probably won't benefit you both right now and whatever happens in the future, happens.
So, no more pity party's, no more self-sabotaging talks and no ill feelings towards this chap. A core thing that needs working on is your attachment to others or situations, which is a fear of loss and abandonment. Heal yourself and watch how much you flourish. And yes, keep giving yourself a pat on the back for how much progress you have already made! Be delicate on yourself.
A better you is not far away, and a relationship that is in alignment with this new you is on its way, too.
Best wishes.
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