Hello all!
Now that I feel that I have concentrated on healing my mind and my heart long enough and that it's time to work on my body, I feel that my spiritual development has a lot to do with regulating my calorie intake and my body weight.
As a child,
I never had weight issues. I grew up on a cattle and dairy farm in a tiny, idyllic village. There were a lot of fruits and vegetables (some of them self-grown), our own meat and meat products, and of course milk, milk, milk. Even today, drinking milk or eating a yoghurt comforts me. In the time I tried to live vegan, not taking meat or eggs didn't bother me at all, but the "no milk" rule was a torture. I used to make myself semolina pudding for breakfast with soya "milk" to have something creamy in the morning!
Then during my early teenhood I started eating more than a normal teen. It was in the time I was being abused by a 65-year-old man. I stayed at his house during the weekends (my parents trusted him) and I remember that there was always chocolate and vanilla pudding in the fridge. I started to overeat with those. Sometimes I ate three or four portions in 15 minutes. It was my way of coping with the pressure.
Then with 16 I met my first boyfriend, I ran away from home and freed myself from the visits to the old man. Life began to get better. In the end I moved back home, where I got my own room and more respect from my parents. Today we have almost a normal relationship.
I had a normal body weight, maybe inclining a little to overweight, but I wasn't "fat"... not yet. I wore size 38.
In summer 2003, the summer I got 18, I went to London. There I worked at McDonald's and, never been a great cook, I used to eat there, too, or order pizza for the night. I returned from London being overweight (I used size 40-42).
At leaving our equivalent to high school, I already used a 44,but I didn't feel bad. I enjoyed eating sweet treats whenever I could, and I filled up with chocolate and sweets. Maybe it was my way to cope with stress and loneliness. I was an outsider, the typical introverted poetrist who stays to herself.
At university, things got worse... I started using a 46 when I told myself: It can't go on like this. But it wasn't until I went to a lecture about "Theory of Yoga by Patanjali" that I changed my lifestyle. Completely, from one day to the other.
I was getting convinced that the
vegan lifestyle (no animal products at all - no meat, no eggs, no milk, not even honey) was just what I needed to live well. Without any vitamin supplements or anything, I started living solely on fruits and vegetables, and a bit of wholegrain products. I lost weight very fast, soon I was down to 77kg or size 42 again. I felt wonderful. Life was great.
But then one day, I almost collapsed unconscious in my bathroom, and had a nervous attack after that. I had had lack of vital vitamins (B12, mostly) and proteins. I went back to eating first vegetarian, then normal, until eating junk food again.
AND HERE I AM NOW, WITH MY 106kg OR SIZE 48...
A month ago I tried a diet of protein shakes, but I left it because they gave me a feeling of drinking vomit, they taste horribly and even if I hate my weight, I don't feel like punishing myself with these shakes.
I decided to simply try to eat "NORMAL" without overeating and without being overly preoccupied over my body weight. After all, the girls who have always been slim never gave much thought to it either, right?
IT'S AN ISSUE OF CHANGING MY MIND, BECOMING MORE SERENE INSIDE SO TO NOT NEED SO MUCH FOOD ANYMORE. AND CHANGE MY HABITS TO THE ONES OF A PERSON WITH LOVE FOR HERSELF. SO LITTLE BY LITTLE MY BODY WILL ALSO FREE ITSELF FROM ACCUMULATED BAD THOUGHTS AND FAT.
It's hard to let go of my addiction to sweets and chocolate, but I know I have to overcome this addiction. I am meant to be a free spirit in a light body.
IT IS NOT A DIET, BUT A PROCESS OF LEARNING HOW TO LOVE MYSELF. FOOD AND LOSING WEIGHT IS JUST A MINUSCULE ASPECT OF MY SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION.
I know this sounds crazy but that's how I think. I know that when I'm in a state of peace of mind, I need less food.
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THIS WILL BE MY FOOD DIARY, WHERE I WILL POST MY PROGRESS.
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Love & Light,
Kiran
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